"You can get up, get ready and go to work everyday. You must be fine"
I can, but that doesn't mean I am. I can't tell you the last time I cooked/ate a decent meal. I can't remember the last time I properly showered. I can't remember the last time I actually looked after myself. My house looks like a bomb has gone off. My routine is completely out of whack. I show up because I have to. I show up because people will ask questions and I'll actually have to admit that I'm here again, in the place I said I'd never let myself get to. I'm so lost, again, I'm turning into someone I don't recognize, again. I'm so angry with myself that it's got to this stage, again. And even though I've got out of this before, and I know I will again, I can't see a way out. I cried for 6 hours straight yesterday. That's the most I have ever cried without grieving somebody. I just can't see the end. And if you ask me what's wrong, I can't tell you. What's wrong is me, why? I dont know. I'm just.. not myself, not right, just not ok. I'm lonely. If I'm in a room full of people, I feel alone. I know I keep isolating myself, but at least if I'm alone there's a reason I feel alone. It's stupid but stupid is where my brain is right now. It might upset some people, I know, I can't control it and all I can do is apologise but if I had any control over my emotions, my mental well-being, I wouldn't be where I am now. I know I'm saying and doing things I wouldn't normally do. I'm pushing people away who I shouldn't yet I still can't stop. This isn't a cry for help, this isn't asking for pity, I don't expect anyone to read it or anything. This is just me saying things out loud that I don't have anyone specific to say these things to. And some of you may insist you're here for me, and some of you will be genuine in that, but I won't actively burden you with my problems when you will all be going through things too.
I'm not okay, but we know I will be one day.
