[theoreocat]

[theoreocat]

Sometimes it’s possible to have too much determination.

[sonneillonv-deactivated20220218]

I was waiting for the payoff and I was NOT disappointed

[memewhore]

[tswizzleandtwizzles]

I also LOVE the fact that he creates pictures with this pictures

[hauntaur]

This is money cat. He only appears every 1,383,986,917,198,001 posts. If you repost this in 30 seconds he will bring u good wealth and fortune.

[unpretty]

some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort

[unpretty]

[siphersaysstuff]

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!

Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.

[awa64]

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”

[amphitryo-deactivated20190813]

- “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”

- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”

- “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”

[iwritestuffsometimes]

YALL he shakes his head no and makes a disappointed face after that…. as if THIS IS BAD??? I love him I love him I love him

(Also those lyrics are beautiful and I want the rest of that song like fast quick and in a hurry)

[nolookfirmino-deactivated201904]

a story from my dad the lawyer

when my dad was in his mid 20s and just starting out as a lawyer he had a client who was accused of being a pimp…the client asked him what he should wear to court and my dad says “just normal business clothes”

the man showed up in a lavender suit, alligator shoes, and an old school fedora with a feather in it

the jury convicted him in ten minutes

[baalmuian-moved]

i’m crying

[findingyourflashlight]

Why I'd Be Kicked Out of The Scooby Gang

Shaggy: Zoinks

Scooby: Ruh-roh

Daphne: Jeepers

Velma: Jinkies

Me: Well fuck

[babyanimalgifs]

I didn’t know cheetahs meow I’ve always thought they roar my whole life has been a lie

[anarchapella]

Ok but the other one is purring so hard

[valgalart]

If I ever don’t reblog this assume I’m dead

[excessively-english-jd]

Fun fact: technically, because of its inability to roar and its ability to purr, the cheetah is not a ‘big cat’ (or Great Cat) - they are still classified as Lesser Cats.

Also you haven’t heard anything until you hear them cheep.

[sensitivesuggestion]

celebrate your personal victories because no one else understands what it took to accomplish them

[6balls]

today @ lunch i was sitting w/ a bunch of my kindergarteners and they started to discuss what each other’s “deepest fears” were. one said “being killed” and the other said “loving people.” i was like y'all…….you didn’t have to be that honest

[babyanimalgifs]

[skeleton-lad]

Oh wow, I’m so impressed.

[teenkawa-blog]

[maren-morris]

Maren Morris attends the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas on April 2, 2017.

[thatkindoffangirl]

Where are we going???

[thatkindoffangirl]

I told him he can’t come

[catgirl-sonic]

👏 TAKE 👏 HIM 👏

[boredpanda]

[whateverstop]

I’m sobbing omfg

[occultlylittlespace]

Kitties are solar-powered. It’s true.

[maren-morris]