Dear Diary

What do I do now?

[findmevagabond]

10/11/2021. 19:00.

I... don’t want to spend long here, typing this up. I start work in a few hours and i haven’t gotten much sleep today. Unfortunately i’ve been sick and the only reason I’m going in to work is because I can’t call in for a fifth day in a row so soon after being hired. 

I got my new bed in today so I spent the entire afternoon getting rid of my old mattress and bed frame and waiting for my bed to inflate. Went to the store to get bedding, and I just ordered a bed frame so that should be here on the nineteenth. 

That’s.. just an update. That’s not why I decided to write up another entry. Really, though, I should be writing every day. It’s good for the brain. 

I found out the truth about you, Vagabond. But.. were you really going to talk to me again? Or was that just a ploy because I tried reaching out, desperately, for the billionth time in the past couple years. 

No, it was simply the timing and the proof I had that you were still there, that you felt like you were backed in a corner and had to respond to me. 

I don’t know how I feel. How should I feel? Abandoned? Betrayed? Alone?

I don’t feel much. I might not even feel anything about it. 

I love you, Vagabond. Six years of friendship, eight years since I met you. Two years since it ended. I’m happy you’re still alive. I’m happy I met you. But I think I need to let go. Clearly you don’t feel the same.

I will no longer be addressing my entries to you. You are not my motivator anymore. 

I predicted I would die before twenty-one. Well, I’m twenty-one now. And although I’m still alive, a part of my prediction came true.

On Sunday, September 29, 2019 I lost myself. And I had to adapt, and become someone else.

I’m not who you knew. How could I be, after all this time? I’m sure you’re different, too. I would love to catch up, talk about world events and how it’s affected us and our respective countries. 

But that won’t happen, and maybe it’s for the best. 

[findmevagabond]

9/8/2021. 16:38.

I honestly don’t have much to say aside from a quick catch up. 

Finished my last day at the chocolate shop I worked at and haven’t really been doing much. I applied for a night clerk position at the grocery store down the street from my mom’s house and today I got hired so long as my background check goes through smoothly. I’m nervous but also totally excited. I wanted to postpone getting a job until I moved back in with my mom, so I didn’t have the stress of starting a new job and moving around everything I own. I’m going to need boxes or more bags if I want to move out in one trip, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I still have the whole month to do so.

Other than that, not much else to say.

I’ve never been the talkative type, so it baffles me how I made friends with her...

 Do you remember when you messaged me for the first time, vagabond?

Honestly, I can’t. I’d have to look through the account again to remember much of anything at all. And that hurts. 

[findmevagabond]

8/17/2021. 19:56.

.....So I put my two weeks in today. 

I thought I would regret it the second I told my manager but I didn’t. I was happy. I’m excited to move on. But I’m scared. My last day officially will be August 30th.

I’m moving back in with my mom in October. I’m... both excited and not excited at the same time, for reasons I’m sure you can guess. I’m excited because I’ll have my own space again, be able to watch tv, use the kitchen, see my cats, and be able to use the gym that’s in that complex. I’m not excited because I’ll be paying rent for a chaotic home life, and it basically feels like I’m buying the decline of my mental health. Since moving away from that place, I have been much happier as a person just as a whole. But I just don’t have it in me to keep working like this, especially in a job whose values don’t align with my own and especially in a job where I can’t look the way I want to. No dyed hair, no piercings, a uniform that - in my opinion - is far too strict. Shoes can’t be multiple colors, it needs to be all white or all black? Come on. 

I don’t live to work, and honestly I shouldn’t need to overwork to live. And if I do, then I’m going to make sure I can express who I am while doing it. We’re all different, and I think companies should recognize and accept that, especially with the new generations. 

After all, we are in the age of aquarius. 

I can’t remember; were you ever into zodiac signs Vagabond?

[findmevagabond]

8/11/2021. 17:20.

Things seem to be spiraling out of control.

I’m ready to quit my job. I was going to last week, but the boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Now I regret not doing it sooner. Tomorrow I have to drive out an hour away to get trained on how to interview and hire potential employees. I never wanted this supervisor role in the first place.

I’m going to quit in October. October 7th is going to be the day I put my two weeks in. Hopefully I’ll stick to it. This company displays blatant sexism under the guise of “tradition.” I’m over it. They’re so wasteful too, but that applies to every company I’m sure. It’s the only job I’ve ever had, so quitting is hard. I have extreme social anxiety don’t know how to say no. I needed the money to keep my living situation, but now I don’t really care. 

If I have to go homeless, I guess that’s my future. If I have to move back into my mom’s house and witness abuse after abuse every night without having any control over anything, then that’s my future. I don’t want to go back there. Ever. But I have to do what I have to do to keep a roof over my head. I’m sure my mom feels the same way. She gets most of her money from him. He’s the financial stability. 

My boyfriend is going through his own shit. Luckily called his therapist, but I have the feeling it will help a little and then just go spiraling downhill again. It’s not his first therapy trip. But I think this time he really wants help, so I’ll support him.

It’s just... hard. I’m going through my own things and he calls me up and tells me all his problems and I can’t tell him mine without him steering the conversation back onto himself. And yet, he’s the one who calls me selfish and narcissistic and says I’m only thinking of myself when it comes to quitting my job, or making any sort of decision in my life.

But that’s the point, right? You need to think of yourself. You need to put yourself first or else you’ll end up like him. 

I can’t handle being me. I know I have it easy, but is that true? I’ve spent my whole life telling myself that I have nothing to feel sorry over. I’ve been privileged my whole life. What to I have to even complain about? 

I wish someone would tell me I’m allowed to feel this way. Because I was lowkey neglected as a child. But.. was I really? Or was it all in my head? 

But I can’t think about it too much or else I’m selfish. And he wonders why I don’t tell him things sometimes. 

He thinks we’re falling apart and maybe we are. But I never saw it that way. I just thought we were going through a rough patch due to the fact that we both have serious deep rooted issues from our childhood. But maybe that’s wrong. 

I wish I didn’t think so low of myself, but when I start to think I mean something that’s when I become narcissistic and I overdue it. There’s no in between with me. It’s one extreme or the other. 

What advice would you give me, vagabond? I need help. I need therapy. But will I have to lie to my therapist like I had to back in high school? And then get discarded because nothing was wrong with me, and I was a waste of my counselors’ time? Nothing happened when I tried to come clean about my mother’s abuser. They couldn’t do anything because she wouldn’t cooperate. What do I do with that? 

If I stay quiet as a bystander, I’m just as bad as the abuser. But I’ve tried. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I never try hard enough it seems.

[findmevagabond]

7/27/2021. 11:41.

I am bored and nothing new has happened.

Except, the boyfriend did call me and ask me to come hang out with him while he smoked, which was sweet. He’s usually not the one who reaches out to me, but he’s probably just as bored being cooped up as I am. 

He’s an avid smoker, so the only time he leaves his room is to go to the bathroom and to smoke outside. I smoke a little too, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, but the only time I do it for “fun” is when I’m with him. 

Oh, yeah. I should mention it is legal where I live for persons over the age of twenty-one to posses marijuana. 

Anyway, now that I’ve cleared my name..

That was a couple nights ago, on the twenty-fifth after my last entry. 

Other than that, nothing new. I played League with him and my friend last night and hopefully I can convince my friend to play again when she gets off work. I don’t like playing alone because I’m a wimp and the toxicity makes me nervous when I don’t have anyone on my side. 

The rest of the day is going to consist of scary stories (I love Be. Busta, LetsRead!, Mr. Nightmare, Lazy Masquerade, etc.) and probably League of Legends. 

It was you, Vagabond, that really started my League obsession. I wonder if you ever even played it after that?

[findmevagabond]

7/25/2021. 11:33.

Well, looks like it’s been a while. That happens with me. I get on a decent roll and then all of a sudden i just stop writing. This time it was mostly based on the fact that I haven’t been to Starbucks in a while, and that’s where I did every entry before this one. Right now I’m laying in bed, in quarantine because I was exposed to COVID... which... I’ll explain in a minute. 

Right now, let’s catch up. 

Nothing really eventful happened from the seventh to the fourteenth. On July 15, the boyfriend and I drove to the east bay to visit his family for a few days, and to attend a wedding ceremony. His aunt had just gotten married, and she was so beautiful. Tall, Filipino, short red hair. She was wearing this beautiful long sleeved sparkling white dress with a deep V-neck. It was like watching a movie when she walked in.

Her husband wasn’t much to look at, no offense. Old, white, wearing a black suit. Well, they’re both “old,” but you know how women usually age well. 

It was the third time I’ve seen this side of his family, and it was actually really fun. His mother (step-mom) made me a bracelet, because during quarantine she started her own very small business. It was turquoise with an evil eye pendant in the middle. I lost it immediately when we got home. 

She also made me a fidget ring, which has come in really handy for me lately. She made it because I commented on how long her nails were and asked if they were real. She said yes, and I followed up with stating how I could never grow mine out because when I’m nervous I peel them. 

Now that I have the ring I haven’t been doing it as often, and I’ve started using a nail growth serum. I’m hoping they’ll get long enough to where I’ll feel like my hands are pretty. 

Most of the time there, I spent throwing darts at their dart board and reading my book (The Thursday Murder Club), which I have yet to finish because I also tend to neglect reading. I also believe I might have some overdue library books that I need to return once I know I’m not sick. 

The last night we were there, the boyfriend and his brother decided to smoke a fourteen pound brisket outside, which took about sixteen hours. They started right after we got home from the ceremony around nine o’clock on July 17. I tried to stay up with them, but made it until Jack-in-the-Box got there at two in the morning. I ate my food and then went inside to watch Howl’s Moving Castle while they stayed outside. Got about fifteen minutes in before I was out. 

The next morning (afternoon, really), we ate the brisket with rice and it was actually really good. After that, the boyfriend and I went to the mall where we found a photo booth (I LOVE photo booths) and we took some pictures :)

All in all, I had a really good time. 

We left that day, on the eighteenth and got home around seven. We went from his family’s house to my mom’s house, because her and her boyfriend had left to go visit Washington for the week and invited us to house sit. We were there from the 18-23. Except for Tuesday, the twentieth, where we went to his house to spend the night because the next day we were going to go to a water park for his sister’s birthday. Unfortunately she got her period and we had to cancel, so the boyfriend and i went to the pool instead. We got back to our house that wednesday afternoon, where we hung out and then hung out with another friend of ours... 

All three of us were smoking and drinking and sharing shot glasses. After the friend left, the boyfriend and I proceeded to binge watch Rick and Morty. The next day we played Crash Bandicoot, and then Friday we packed up and went home. 

I did work the entire week, aside from Wednesday (the sister’s birthday) and Thursday. Worked on Friday while the boyfriend went surfing with his other friend. 

Then, yesterday, the boyfriend called me at work. He told me that the friend we hung out with Wednesday night tested positive. Him and I were both sent home from our respective jobs. We don’t live together so we couldn’t quarantine together. His mom has him locked up in his room with a case of water and is bringing him food when he needs it. He shares his room with his brother, but she forbade his brother from going in there. I’m assuming he’s sleeping in the living room when he’s home, which isn’t very often anyway. 

As for me, I’m self quarantining in my room until I know I’m not risking anyone. Unfortunately I don’t have much food, but I’ll try to make my popcorn, fruit by the foot, and chewy bars last me a few more days.  Today I woke up lightheaded, which I’m praying is unrelated to the virus and is instead due to the fact that I haven’t been drinking an adequate amount of water. Also, it’s summer and it was pretty warm last night until midnight when it started to cool down. 

Today is going to be in the eighties but I’ll be inside all day with the windows shut and the curtains drawn so let’s hope it doesn’t affect me. 

I feel bad, though. I work in a small chocolate shop, and there’s only four people (including me) that work there. Now that I’m gone they’re down to three, and only two of them know how to open and close. The third one even has another job. We just hired a new guy yesterday, but now when are they going to find the time to train him? It’s basically every man for themselves right now. 

They expect I’ll be back by the end of the week but if I feel any worse tomorrow I’m going to have to inform them.

Were you alive when COVID started, vagabond?

[findmevagabond]

7/7/2021. 20:15

Got off work a couple hours ago and checked into a hotel. The boyfriend and I had this planned for a while. We originally wanted to go on the fourth of July but it just didn’t work out that way. My shift for the next day had switched from a mid to an open and we just wouldn’t be able to wake up early enough to get our shit together.

That was also the morning I had to do the floor set which I did backwards. I’m pretty sure I already wrote that in but I can’t remember. Basically I had to do the floor set for my manager so she could visit her mom who had just had a stroke. I did it, but I did a section backwards and was incredibly annoyed with myself. But it got fixed, so water under the bridge.

Anyway I’m just waiting for my boyfriend to get off of work so I can pick him up and we can get everything we need for the night, which is just an hdmi cord and some mary jane if you know what I mean. I don’t know if I’ll get in trouble for writing the real word here or not. 

The HDMI cord is so I can hook my laptop up to the tv and we can watch Luca, the movie about those merkids or whatever. I barely know what it’s about, I only saw half the trailer, but my friend told me I had to watch it and my boyfriend loves disney movies so I thought it would be the perfect night for it. 

My friend said I was totally gonna cry so I’m probably going to dislike this movie. I don’t like it when things make me cry. Yes, I know that if it makes me cry it means it must’ve been a good movie but I don’t care.

I’m watching south park right now in the hotel room. Every hotel I ever go to I always end up watching South Park on cable. I don’t have a tv where i live, because I just rent a room from this older couple and don’t have room for a tv and I definitely don’t have the money to pay for cable. 

I chose this particular hotel because it had a jetted tub and I’m so ready to enjoy it. I have to wait for my boyfriend so that he can also experience the beautiful relaxation of a jacuzzi bath tub. I brought bath salts :)

If I’m being completely honest, I’ve never actually been in a jacuzzi. I imagine it’s similar to a hot tub. My best friend from elementary school had a jetted bath tub but the jets didn’t work so that doesn’t count. 

Anyway I’ll update on whether or not I actually liked the movie Luca, and I’ll definitely mention whether or not my boyfriend cries during it. He cried during Onward and Coco. I love him <3 

Anyway, I got off track. Some things that concerned me about the hotel was that, for one, it looked like someone had used the tub. There was little puddles of water in the bottom that hadn’t completely dried, but I’m hoping it could just hae been from the cleaners earlier. 

There were also some books in the drawer next to the bed. The Bible and a book on Buddhism. Not to mention that there’s a door that connects this room to the next room, but I know that that’s common in hotels. 

Oh. And when I walked in, the microwave and fridge were both wide open. Neither were plugged in. I don’t know if that’s custom of the cleaners?

My theory is the owners let another worker live in this room for a little bit until I requested the last jacuzzi room and whoever was here had to be moved for the night. I hope that’s true, because anything else I can think of just seems too... sinister.

But I guess I’ve always been a little bit paranoid, huh vagabond?

[findmevagabond]

7/4/2021. 17:20

Happy fourth of July. Today I wanted to go to a fair or some sort of amusement park, but I don’t have the money and there’s nothing around me that’s actually open to the public. Even though we now have a “cure” for the virus, and people are allowed to walk around without masks, some things still aren’t going on. For instance, the pride parade was cancelled again this year. 

I hope there’s at least fireworks where I live. I enjoy them. 

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to a party at a friend of a friend’s house. We got there around ten, because that’s about the time my boyfriend gets off of work. Everyone was already there, and had been since six. We only stayed for an hour and I’m generally not a party person to begin with, but I didn’t have the worst time of my life. The boyfriend did a keg stand, and I had left me camera in the car so unfortunately I couldn’t record it. I wish I had, though. His friend recorded it on his phone, but I recently bought a digital camera so that we could have all our memories in one place. Almost like a video diary, with some pictures thrown in there. I’ve been enjoying that, too. 

It’s the weekend, and on top of that a “holiday” weekend, so the library was closed for the past couple of days and won’t reopen until Tuesday. But I have to go into work early tomorrow and do the floor set all by myself, so I went to Barnes and Noble and got a new book to distract myself from the doom that is Monday morning. “The Thursday Murder Club” by Richard Osman. Haven’t started it yet, but it looks cute. The concept almost reminds me of another book that I really can’t remember the name of right now. But it was a Christmas book and in it there are these three elderly ladies that like to break out of their assisted living homes and wreak havoc. Anyway, that was a really great book. 

I got distracted. I wanted to talk about Barnes and Noble. I went there, bought two books and a puzzle and it amounted to fifty-two dollars!! Now I remember why I never went to book stores unless it was the used one down the street. They sell books for anywhere from twenty-five cents to ten dollars a pop. They’re the best and I hope they never have to close up shop. 

Another distraction, I wasn’t done with Barnes and Noble. While I was there, I saw the journal section. I love journals. I love them so much. All shapes and sizes, journals are the best. But I never use them, which is the whole reason why I started typing out my diary entries in the first place! Still, I wish I was consistent with them (or anything for that matter). Especially the leather bound ones! That vintage, homemade look is to die for. But they’re expensive, and the three things I got had already amounted to fifty bucks so I really couldn’t justify buying one. But I stared at them for a good fifteen minutes back-and-forthing on whether or not I wanted one bad enough. 

I didn’t. 

But maybe I’ll get one another time. You know, when I actually have the motivation to write things on paper. Which takes a lot of energy, you know. 

Well I can’t think of much else to say, so... 

Until next time, vagabond. 

[findmevagabond]

6/30/2021. 19:55.

Although I’ve done this before, I’m going to do this again. I have a twitter to which I do the same thing on, but to a different degree. I hope to find somewhere to link it, so that whoever reads this can see every side of me. 

I have a notebook. My boyfriend had gotten it for me on our first Christmas together and I have yet to fill it all the way. It was my diary, but I grow tired of handwriting things very quickly. I used to try to write down my days in a word folder on my computer, but I found computers to be pretty unreliable. 

Besides, I want people to read this. I want someone to know all of me, all of my thoughts, all of my emotions. Or, at least to read through this and acknowledge that I’m a person that lived. 

I don’t feel like putting my whole life story in one post. I don’t need to talk about sad things. I only have an hour left to sit in this Starbucks before it closes, and I need to write a check out for the couple I rent a room from. 

How many words does tumblr let you write? I had a blog here, a long time ago, on reviews of fanfictions. Obviously, Destiel. But that was a few years back, when I was much younger and read much more.

I don’t read much anymore, although I just finished “The Witch’s Heart” by Genevieve Gornichec and I have to say it was an amazing story. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. I cried. 

I’m not good with endings. Or goodbyes, for that matter.

Honestly, I decided to start this virtual diary thing up again because I was on quotev, after a long time of not signing in, and I saw messages from an old friend who, last I heard, had attempted suicide. It’s been almost two years since.

 I’m hoping that, if my best friend is alive and somehow reads this, she will reach out to me.

So find me, vagabond. Please.