To write about us has been in my plan all along. But I have been stalling because I know that in some part of my subconscious that I do not want to. I do not want this. I do not want to be honest with myself on what has happened to us lately. But life, it teaches you to be brave and face things, right? Most especially when it is in your own.
I became tired. Three years into college and I became tired. Of what, specifically? You might ask. Of being that friend. The friend who first message you just asking how have you been since we no longer see each other often due to busy schedules and because we do not attend the same school anymore. The friend who reacts to your tweets whenever you are ranting about something, then privately message you if you are feeling okay. The friend who asks you when are you free for us to hang out, chill, eat or watch movies. The friend who tells you first about the things that happened to me, about secrets that I knew, and I have, or just about anything that I want to share with you. The friend who tags you on Facebook posts that are so relatable. The friend who sends you wacky selfies and long messages to cheer you up. Basically, the friend who acts like the glue in our friendship to keep it from falling apart.
You know the saying that if you get tired, then get some rest?
Maybe, rest is not the right term, but what I did were these:
I stopped myself from being that friend. I stopped messaging you first. I stopped reacting to your tweets. I stopped watching your IG stories. I stopped tagging you on Facebook. I stopped asking you to hang out with me. I stopped everything.
When I did, I realized a lot of things. There are friends of mine that are actually the kind of friend that I am with you, and I pay more attention to them now. I realized that these people are that actual friends of mine that I have been putting aside to build more closeness because, before, I thought that having you as the best one was enough. But I was wrong. Hence, I did a complete 360. I put in more effort in our friendship now than I have before, and I am happy about it. And I stopped doing those things with you.
But it does not mean that I stopped thinking about you at all. It does not mean that you and your family are no longer in my prayers. And it does not mean that whenever you needed me, I stopped responding to you. Because I never did. Those times when you were having trouble with your friend in college and when you were having self-confidence issues once again, I was there for you. You know another thing I realized when I decided to stop being that friend? That you only come to me when you need me.
It is a sad realization. But it is what it is. And I have accepted that sometime ago.
I did not rest. Maybe I did. But I do know that what I did was self-preservation, because I was hurting. Still, I am. Of what has happened between us.
Yesterday, when I asked you when are you free because I wanted to give you souvenirs from my trip, you told me that you are not in the area because you are reviewing for your board exam. I understood that so I asked for your sibling instead. Then you also said that you felt that I am being distant with you. You asked me if I was angry with you. I told you I was not. And that I did not know why you are feeling that way, even though I know the reason. These are the reasons. I want to tell you all about these reasons. But I do not want to confront you with it. I do not want to say these things to you because I know that you are sensitive. You might cry, because you are a crier. You are also busy with your review and I do not want to bother you about these things that may be one-sided, and what might just me being overly dramatic, after all I have had issues about being dramatic over friendships.
You are my best friend. At least, that is what I still want to think. But I cannot be completely honest with you anymore, and I do not know what to make of it.
