#entry8

[forgotten-huntress]

Entry 8.

First thing I heard when I woke up yesterday morning was "A Kushala Daora is coming!"

I was excited. An Elder Dragon? This sounded like a thrilling time. The beast had come in the mountain, for unknown reasons. Could it be the same that shedded its skin on the summit?...

What stroke me when I arrived at the base of the mountain was how quiet it was. Not a Popo, not an Anteka, nothing. Not even a Bullfango. As if everyone knew that a Kushala Daora was there, and that meant hiding, or leaving the area.

When I finally saw the Dragon, amazed by its majesty as I was, I couldn't help but feel a little bit disappointed. It was nowhere as big as the abandoned skin I studied. But still, it was powerful. A tough wind barrier surrounded its body, only letting me hit its head - which I did. Until I injured its head, and it fled away, leaving me and my Felyne comrade alone. The cat was flabbergasted. I was... frustrated. I thought it would never come back, without letting me finish my job.

But I was proven wrong the next day.

I can tell it was the same one, because of the wound on its head. It was angry, but it had lost its wind powers, making of my victory an easy one.

Is it just me, or did it try to say something before it died?...

[findmevagabond]

10/11/2021. 19:00.

I... don’t want to spend long here, typing this up. I start work in a few hours and i haven’t gotten much sleep today. Unfortunately i’ve been sick and the only reason I’m going in to work is because I can’t call in for a fifth day in a row so soon after being hired. 

I got my new bed in today so I spent the entire afternoon getting rid of my old mattress and bed frame and waiting for my bed to inflate. Went to the store to get bedding, and I just ordered a bed frame so that should be here on the nineteenth. 

That’s.. just an update. That’s not why I decided to write up another entry. Really, though, I should be writing every day. It’s good for the brain. 

I found out the truth about you, Vagabond. But.. were you really going to talk to me again? Or was that just a ploy because I tried reaching out, desperately, for the billionth time in the past couple years. 

No, it was simply the timing and the proof I had that you were still there, that you felt like you were backed in a corner and had to respond to me. 

I don’t know how I feel. How should I feel? Abandoned? Betrayed? Alone?

I don’t feel much. I might not even feel anything about it. 

I love you, Vagabond. Six years of friendship, eight years since I met you. Two years since it ended. I’m happy you’re still alive. I’m happy I met you. But I think I need to let go. Clearly you don’t feel the same.

I will no longer be addressing my entries to you. You are not my motivator anymore. 

I predicted I would die before twenty-one. Well, I’m twenty-one now. And although I’m still alive, a part of my prediction came true.

On Sunday, September 29, 2019 I lost myself. And I had to adapt, and become someone else.

I’m not who you knew. How could I be, after all this time? I’m sure you’re different, too. I would love to catch up, talk about world events and how it’s affected us and our respective countries. 

But that won’t happen, and maybe it’s for the best. 

[spes-elpis]

5/1/2021

My boyfriend came back two days ago from the out of state job interview. He was there for two in a half weeks working construction for like 12 hours a day. We had high hopes for this job. It was with his brother-in-law’s construction company. we had it all planned with them about how we would live with them, he would work with him in the company, i would work with his sister being an in home nanny and house care. well everything was going well and nice and my bf would call me everyday and talk about how much he loved it out there and how he looks forward to me moving out with him as we start our life out there. well on the VERY LAST DAY, the night before he was to leave on a plane back to me. his broinlaw said he would do a pay cut that was $4 less than originally discussed, you know, since we’d be living there with them. and on top of that he said we’d have to pay rent as well. when previously discussed that my child care would go unpaid in return for us not paying rent. i was so happy and looking forward to moving out there and watching my bf happy, doing something he loves and is good at in a state that made him happy. well with that new change it was like a slap in the face to my bf. he had helped his broinlaw with working on his house too. working like a dog. i swear i wanted-and still want to call his broinlaw and spit him straight facts and slap him a few times. well whatever now cause now they’re going to have to spend over $2,000 a month just for child care, she’s gonna have to go from full time to part time, and he’ll be down one less smart and capable man on the job. after my recent experience dealing with deceiving family members, i had tried to warn my bf not to trust them even though they’re “family”. i hate seeing my bf hurt like this. we thought everything was going to change. we felt such a shift in our life, like a new chapter beginning. we told our friends and family that it was highly highly likely we were going to move. well now we’re standing with our dicks out. my bf is back home and he’s so....disappointed/sad/hurt/angry. i really thought our life was about to begin. but now i feel it was a bad decision to have felt any hope. every time i feel hopeful or happy, i know i shouldn't, but i still let myself and boom here we are. disappointed once again. we’re back to square one! is sad as i am, im more hurt and sad and feel useless watching my bf get hurt so bad and him falling back into a depression. i just don’t know what to do anymore.

[frankiescolorpics]

Karla Gachet - 

“The Aguayo extended family lives in the Hacienda La Mariana in the coastal province of Los Rios, Ecuador. This is a long term story which documents time going by through the eyes of a close knit family of cowboys and cowgirls. The beauty of the land and the people is the connecting thread through out this essay.”

https://www.karlagachet.com/#/053204149098/

[forelsketblog]

300

I finally did it. Days of deep thinking whether I should contact you one last time.. last night I decided for sure that I’ll let go of everything and not message you at all. But today, something pushed me to do it.

It was neither to ask you back, nor to demand an explanation. It was simply to put my heart at ease by saying that I respect your decision and wish you well. And I will remember only the good days of our life together.

It would’ve been our 300th day had we not broken up 13 days ago. However hung up I may be, I refuse to succumb to loneliness and overthinking. It would take lots of strength, yes, but it’s needed to be done for my own sake and growth.

I am sincere with my well-wishes. I hope you laugh a lot and eat well every day. And maybe, just maybe, we’d meet again somewhere someday. That time I hope, we’d both be in a much better position.

Thank you for making me happy. This is me letting you go finally, but I’ll keep our memories for as long as I can.

그럼 20000. Goodbye, my love.

June 5, 2020

[dry-soliloquies]

Day 14 of Enhanced Community Quarantine

I am mentally and emotionally challenged.

[cheesenstp]

Kontra-gahum (Entry #8)

Ang daming beses sa buhay natin makakakuha tayo ng Philippine Society, Culture & Politics na asignatura o variants nito sa mga forum o podcast. Ang dali dali rin makahanap ng babasahin tungkol dito lalo na nandyan ang sci-hub para sa ating mga intelektwal na elit. Kinabibilangan naman din natin ito kaya araw-araw nag-aambag tayo sa ikinauunlad ng lipunan, kultura at politika ng bansa. Ngunit dito dapat natin tinatanong kung kaninong realidad lang ba ang ating pinag-uusapan at pinauunlad. 

Bilang mag-aaral ng agham panlipunan, lantad na lantad na sa akin ang intellectual masturbation na patok na patok, at hindi na ako lalayo pa, sa kolehiyo ko. Ang daming teorya at punto-de-bista kung paano natin maaaring suriin ang kultura, lipunan at pulitika (mayroong pa ngang kurso para sa mga iyan) ngunit hindi ko mawari bakit kulong na kulong ang mayamungmong na mga pag-aaral na ‘to sa loob ng unibersidad. Hindi ba dapat siyentipiko ang aming paglapit dito? Hindi ba ibig sabihin noon ito’y “empirical” at may konkretong katibayan mula sa pinag-aaralan? Sana hindi ito ang maging “norm” sa aming kolehiyo dahil higit sa lahat dapat kami ang pinakalubog sa araw-araw na karanasan ng mamamayan. Sabi nga ni Ma’am Presto sa kanyang diskusyon, nabubuo ang norms sa pakikipagsalamuha. Kung kami-kami lang din ang nakikipag-usap at ang batayan ng mga lumulutang na ideolohiya ay napakaburgis, paano kaya paglilingkuran ng aming mga pag-aaral ang kongkretong kalagayan ng mamamayang Pilipino? Dahil hindi ba iyon ang tunguhin? Ang paglingkuran ang samabayan bilang mga “konsensya ng bayan”?

Isa na naman itong puna ko sa aking kolehiyo dahil kaya naman ako pumasok dito sa una dahil akala ko dito ko mahahanap ang solusyon sa kahirapan ng Pilipinas. Nakasanayan ko na lahat ng ginagawa ko sa paaralan ay patungo sa “social justice” dahil ito ang pundasyon ng pag-aaral ko mula sa St. Scho. Natuwa nga ako na sinabi ni Ma’am Presto na “deviant” ang Scho mula sa hetero-patriyarkal at pyudal na katangian ng mga exclusive Catholic schools. Kaya umasa ako na mas lalong mapapalalim ng kurso ko ang motibasyon kong ito. Ngunit, hindi mo talaga ito maasahan sa mga burgis na institusyon gaya ng unibersidad - kahit saang kurso ka man. Lalo na kung ang sistema ng edukasyon na ikinapapailalim nito ay kolonyal, komersyalisado at pasista. Nalilimatahan na agad nito ang radikal na pakikitungo na baguhin ang lipunan dahil nakadisenyo ito na panatilihin ang status quo na siyang dahilan bakit ganito ang kultura, lipunan at pulitika natin ngayon. Kaya dapat talaga nating hinahamon ang ating sarili na kumuha ng mga pag-aaral na taliwas sa namamayaning sistemang ito. Para saan pa na naging mag-aaral ka ng agham panlipunan, na alam na alam ang lahat ng pasikot-sikot ng lipunan, kung hindi mo gagamitin ito upang paunlarin ang mamamayang Pilipino? 

Isang tamad na argumento ang “eh, kasi ganyan na talaga.” Walang lipunan (at kultura, pulitika, ekonomiya na umiiral dito) ang nanatiling permanente sa ating kasaysayan. Kaya mo bang sabihin sa mga magsasaka na pinagsasamantalahan ng mga panginoong maylupa, at sa mga manggagawa ng mga malalaking burgesya komprador na hindi na magbabago ang pang-aapi sa kanilang uri? Gaya ng kung paano kayang lumikha ng naghaharing uri ng kultura na papakinabangan niya, gaya ng kultura ng dahas na nanonormalisa ang pagpatay sa ilalim ng rehimen ni Duterte, kaya rin ng malawak na hanay ng mamamayan na bumuo ng kontra-kultura na yumuyurak sa matagal na gahum ng iilan lamang. Magagawa iyon syempre sa palagiang paglubog sa batayang sektor dahil nagmumula naman sa kanila at para sa kanila ang pagbabagong kultura nito - bilang indibidwal at bilang isang lipunan. Kailangang wasakin ang kultura ng indibiwalismo na siyang lumalayo sa atin sa realidad ng masa at nagkukumbinsi sa atin na lahat ng problema na mayroon tayo ay kaya nating lutasin mag-isa at sabayan pa ng mga nakasasamang bisyo.

Ang akin lang naman, napakahirap mabuhay sa kasalukuyang lipunan ng Pilipinas. Hind na natin maitatanggi na marami sa ating problema, kasama ang mga personal na problema, nakaugat sa pagpapahirap ng sistemang ito. Hindi ba gusto natin LAHAT - at hindi lang ng pamilya at mga kaibigan natin - matulog nang mahimbing sa gabi nang hindi prinoproblema kung paano mo ikakayod ang bukas? Siguro naman oo. Kahit sa isang pagkakaisa na ito sana nakakapagpakilos ang mga mag-aaral ng agham panlipunan o lahat ng nakakuha ng subject o forum na tungkol dito. Lagi’t lagi kong iko-quote si Marx dito dahil ito dapat ang binubuhat ng aming kolehiyo:

“The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways. The point, however, is to change it.”

[gayawrites]

All-Black Converse

TPC, Page 92, #3

Back in middle school, I used to own a pair of all-black converse shoes. When I said all-black, I meant it, they have black soles, black shoelaces, etc. As what some people would call them, they are the emo shoes that most of us own at some points in our lives. I would describe the black color of a new pair of all-black converse as the deepest of black there is. When you look at a pair of these shoes and just pay closer attention to them, the black color would just make you think of an emotional void. You would probably just focus on nothingness, being lonely, or sad. A person wearing a pair of these would make them appear like they are walking without their feet, like they are floating above the ground. Over time, the black color of the shoes would fade, especially mine when I wore them every day to go to school and kept washing them. They turned from the deepest black color you can think of, to a dark moss color. Until today, I can’t decide which color I’d prefer my shoes to be. Despite their boring design, they are so simple that it’s inevitable for anyone to not get these shoes at some point in their lives.