imposter syndrome in autism is so..... im rotating it in my mind
part of the reason people go years without knowing theyre autistic because they dont “act” autistic in front of other people is because theyve been so conditioned to repress their symptoms that they become unobservable, sometimes even to themselves. this is masking. its not a light switch that can be turned on and off again. its the gradual repression and punishment for acting anything but neurotypical and the construction of a new, more socially acceptable identity.
as time goes on and your most ‘offensive’ symptoms are ‘under control’ the only things that remain are the ones that only hurt you and the exhaustion. you cant even unwind fully in private because of the fear of being ‘wrong’. the reason so many autistic people struggle with identity is because we’ve literally been forced to abandon who we are at a core level and make one to appease the world. forced to act completely against our nature in order to... act more ‘natural’.
the worst part of this is that theres no winning. you either show your symptoms/get diagnosed and face belittlement, infantilization, restrictions of freedom, or you mask, you hide away, and receive no support because no one believes you. no one understands how, when externally you SEEM so ‘competant’, you could be suffering so constantly. you either set yourself ablaze for the world to observe or spend the rest of your life tending burns no one else can see.
