Claire Keane

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@fiolater
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
A Wish After Midnight
Elli hadn’t shown anything when she blew out the candles. She had smiled, the way she always did when everyone watched her expectantly, held her breath, and extinguished the flames in a single exhale. Applause followed, laughter, warm voices filling the room while the scent of cake and sugar still hung heavy in the air.
No one asked what she had wished for. No one needed to.
Only Lulu knew.
Lulu, who had been by her side for years. In hospital beds, in sleepless nights, in moments when Elli had believed she wasn’t strong enough anymore. Lulu, who had listened to everything Elli couldn’t say out loud to anyone else. Who never grew tired. Who was never afraid.
When midnight came, the house grew quiet.
Not the ordinary quiet after a celebration, but something deeper. As if the world itself had paused to breathe. Elli sat on her bed, Lulu in her arms, head slightly bowed, eyes closed. She hadn’t truly expected anything to happen. Wishes were wishes—small comforts, gentle lies you told yourself to keep going.
And yet…
The air changed.
Elli felt it first. A tingling sensation across her skin, like a string inside her being softly plucked. She opened her eyes.
Lulu was warm.
Not the dull, fabric stillness of a doll anymore, but something else. Something alive. Elli let go, stumbling back a step, watching as Lulu breathed. Her chest rose and fell, her fingers twitched, as if even she had to understand that she now existed.
“Lulu…?” Elli’s voice was barely a whisper.
Lulu looked at her. Confused. Frightened. Alive.
“Elli…?”
That should have been the moment the world shattered. It didn’t.
Instead, panic came—clear and sharp.
The next morning, they sat together at the kitchen table. Philly still carried sleep in her eyes, Slade drank his coffee in silence. Lulu sat between them, neatly dressed, smiling in a way that felt practiced.
“So,” Elli blurted out before anyone could speak, “this is Lulu.”
Philly raised an eyebrow. “I can see that.”
“She’s… uh… an exchange student.” Elli took a deep breath. “From Mt. Komorebi. She’ll be staying with us for a while.”
Silence.
Philly looked from Elli to Lulu, then to Slade. “An exchange student,” she repeated slowly. “And you only think to mention this today?”
“It was all very spontaneous,” Elli muttered.
Philly sighed, rubbing her temples. “Elli, we don’t really have space. Not truly. Unless…” She stopped herself. The unspoken thought lingered in the air. Amber’s apartment. Upstairs.
Slade said nothing. He said nothing all morning.
Later, when Philly had gone out and Elli retreated to her room, Slade gestured for Lulu to follow him outside. She did, sitting beside him on the steps near the pavilion. He waited until they were alone.
“You know you’re not an exchange student,” he said calmly.
Lulu swallowed. “Yes.”
“And you know what you are.”
She nodded slowly.
Slade studied her—not like a man would, but like something older, deeper. “Elli doesn’t know. And she must never know.”
“Why?” Lulu asked quietly.
His voice hardened. “Because knowledge is power. And power draws attention.” He leaned forward slightly. “If she learns that magic is real—real magic—she will be in danger. Mortal danger.”
Cold crept through Lulu’s chest. “You’re…”
“A fairy,” he confirmed softly. “Or something that once was.”
She stared at him. “So you know…”
“That you were once a doll? Yes.” A faint smile crossed his face. “It happens. Rarely. But it happens.”
He folded his hands. “You may stay. As long as you wish. As long as you keep our secret.”
“And if I don’t?” she asked, barely audible.
His gaze turned severe. “Then not only Elli dies—but everything she loves with her.”
Lulu nodded immediately. “I won’t say anything. Ever.”
Slade exhaled slowly. “Good.”
When they went back inside, Lulu was no longer just a doll who had come to life.
She was part of a fragile, dangerous balance.
And Elli—without knowing it—might carry more magic within her than anyone had ever imagined.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Happy Birthday Elli
Elli turned sixteen today.
When I think about it, it feels unreal how much time has passed since that first diagnosis, since the moment our world shifted quietly but forever. The years in between were never a straight path. They were a cycle of hope and setbacks, of waiting rooms that smelled of disinfectant and conversations with doctors whose voices eventually blurred together. We went from one practice to another, from clinic to clinic, always carrying the same unspoken question in our hearts: What if this isn’t enough?
Elli carried all of it more calmly than I ever could have. The first treatment, the second, the third — each one stretched endlessly. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Time lost its meaning, measured only in blood results, appointments, and cautious smiles after examinations. There were good phases, almost normal days, and then moments when even getting out of bed felt like too much.
The day of the final treatment arrived quietly. No celebration, no relief that felt complete. Just a room, a doctor, and words that lingered: finished for now. Not cured — but one step further.
And today… today we are together.
Sixteen years old. Cancer-free.
Not free from everything the illness left behind, but free from what frightened us the most. Elli has changed. Her body bears traces of these years — not as flaws, but as proof. She is softer now, shaped differently than many others her age, and sometimes I see the way she studies herself with doubt. But when she laughs, when she eats cake with careless joy and her eyes light up, I know: this is life. Real life.
The table is set, friends are here, voices fill the house. Slade stands in the kitchen, pretending to be busy while watching her again and again, as if he needs to reassure himself that she is truly here. I can see it in all of us — how precious this day is.
We are not just celebrating a birthday.
We are celebrating that we get to celebrate it together.
And that alone feels like a miracle.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
The Flickering Light
It didn’t begin with a single dramatic moment, but with small shifts in everyday life that were easy to overlook. Elli stopped going to the playground as often, sat down earlier while other children were still running, and complained about pains she couldn’t really explain. Sometimes she simply sat there with her legs drawn up, staring into nothing, as if her body was asking more of her than she could give.
At first, Philly told herself it was growth, fatigue, just one of those phases children go through. Slade, however, grew quieter in a different way. Not withdrawn, but alert. He watched Elli with an intensity that frightened him, and every time she laughed, he searched for what lay beneath it.
One evening, the shop long closed and the kitchen bathed in warm light, Slade stopped in the doorway while Elli was drawing at the table. He said nothing for a long time, until Philly finally looked up. “What is it?” He hesitated, as he always did when words were dangerous. “Don’t you feel it?” She frowned. “Feel what?” “I don’t know how to explain it,” he said slowly. “Her light… it isn’t clear anymore.” “Slade,” she said softly, almost warningly. “Please don’t start with that.” He fell silent, but his gaze stayed fixed on Elli, as if he were seeing something slipping beyond his reach.
Over the following weeks, it became worse. Elli missed more days at school, came home exhausted, lost her appetite. Slade began waking at night without knowing why, with that old, familiar tightness in his chest — the instinct that had once warned him when something was falling out of balance. He knew changes in light were rarely harmless, and he hated himself for how useless all his knowledge was now.
The doctor’s appointment came sooner than either of them expected. Elli sat between them, her feet swinging, chatting happily about school while Philly held her hand and Slade struggled to breathe evenly. The examinations dragged on, questions were asked, blood was drawn, glances exchanged that lingered too long.
When the doctor finally returned, the room felt too small for what she said. Her voice was calm, professional, explaining findings, speaking of further tests — and then the word fell that shattered everything.
Cancer.
Elli looked from one to the other. “Am I sick now?” Philly couldn’t speak. Her throat closed around every sound. Slade felt something inside him give way. Not loudly. Not dramatically. More like a quiet breaking he had postponed for far too long. “We’ll take care of you,” he said at last, forcing steadiness into his voice. “I promise.” “Does that mean I don’t have to go to school anymore?” Elli asked. Philly swallowed. “You will. Just… maybe a little less.”
Only once they were outside, in the parking lot beneath a sky far too blue for this day, did Slade let the mask fall. He leaned against the car, his hands trembling, and whispered more to himself than to Philly, “I felt it.” “Felt what?” she asked, tears shining in her eyes. “That her light was changing,” his voice broke. “And I couldn’t do anything.”
Philly closed her eyes. For a moment there was no anger, no questions — only fear. For their child. For the life they had built. For everything that had already been taken from them.
Elli tugged at her jacket. “Can we go home?” Philly knelt down and smiled, even as her heart screamed. “Yes, sweetheart. We’re going home.”
And as they drove away, Slade knew with devastating clarity: the Light had been watching again. And this time, it hadn’t merely warned them.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
When Silence Breaks
Morning arrived slowly — not like a beginning, but like a careful reaching for something that might still be there. The house was quiet, and only the soft sound of breathing from the bedroom reminded me that the night had not been a dream. Slade was here. Truly here. And that was exactly why I had asked him to wait.
“Please,” I had said, my hand still on the doorknob. “Stay here. I need to talk to Elli first.”
He had nodded. No questions. No resistance. Just that look — carrying so much that it nearly took my breath away. When I said our daughter’s name, he repeated it softly, barely audible, as if he had to make sure he was allowed to say it.
“Elli.”
I left him there and went into the kitchen.
The table was set quickly. Three plates. Three glasses. My hands moved automatically while my mind searched for something solid to hold onto. When Elli came in, still sleepy, she stopped short. Her gaze moved over the table, then to me.
“Why is everything different today?”
I crouched down in front of her, tried to breathe steadily. “Because there’s someone I need to introduce you to.”
She tilted her head. “Who?”
I hesitated a moment too long. “Your father.”
She blinked. Once. Twice. Then her mouth tightened slightly. “I don’t have one.”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “You do. And he’s here.”
She didn’t say anything else. She walked slowly to the table and sat down. When Slade stepped out of the bedroom, she froze. Looked at him without blinking, as if she were trying to see straight through him. He stopped a few steps away, uncertain, almost shy.
“So you’re him,” she said.
“Yes,” he replied, his voice rough. “If you want me to be.”
She crossed her arms. “Where were you?”
No politeness. No easing in.
“Not here.”
“Why?”
“Because I thought I was protecting you.”
“That didn’t work,” she said flatly.
I felt something tighten inside my chest.
“Did you think about me?” she asked next. “Every day.” “On my birthday too?” “Every one.” “Then why didn’t you ever call?”
He was silent for a long time. Then, quietly, “Because I was afraid my voice would only make everything worse.”
She studied him. “It wouldn’t have.”
She sat down. He only did the same when I nodded.
She asked many questions. Too many. The kind no adult would ask without shielding themselves first. Whether he knew how old she was. Whether he knew she sometimes got scared at night. Whether he knew she had his eyes.
He answered everything. Carefully. Honestly. Without excuses.
Eventually she asked, “Are you staying now?”
He looked at me. I felt my heart twist. I didn’t know what I wanted — only that I didn’t want to decide alone anymore.
“I hope so,” he said at last. “If you let me.”
Later, when Elli was playing outside, I stayed at the table, staring at my hands, at the empty space across from me.
There were things I would have to tell him. Maybe. Someday. Thoughts that stirred quietly and just as quietly retreated again. Not yet. Not today.
For today, it was enough that he was here.
And that, for the first time in years, the silence wasn’t empty.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Twelve Years Later
The rain had soaked him to the bone.
Slade stood beneath the porch, wearing nothing but a torn shirt and an old, dirt-stained linen pair of trousers that must once have been light-colored. His feet were cold, the ground beneath them unforgiving, but none of that compared to the weight pressing against his chest. He didn’t know if she still lived here. If this house was still her home. If she was even alive.
Twelve years is a long time to believe in a door.
He raised his hand. It trembled — not from the cold. He knocked.
Inside, the sound tore Philly from her sleep. It wasn’t loud, more hesitant — and that was what made her heart race. She sat up, listened. Again. Real. Impossible to ignore. Barefoot, she crossed the hallway, the old wooden floor cool beneath her feet, opened the door — and froze.
He was standing there.
Gaunt. Worn down. Changed. And yet so achingly familiar that the air left her lungs. His hair was longer, unkempt, his eyes uncertain, as if he expected to be sent away at any second.
“You…” she started — and couldn’t finish.
He said her name quietly. Almost like a question. “Philly.”
She stepped back. Not out of fear — out of instinct. He entered slowly, as if afraid the ground might vanish beneath him. The door closed behind him. The rain stayed outside.
For a long moment, they just looked at each other.
“I didn’t know if you were still here,” he finally said, his voice rough. “Or if you… if I was too late.”
“Too late?” Her voice cut sharp. “You were twelve years too late.”
He swallowed. “I thought about you every day.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “I waited for you every day.”
That hit him. He took a step toward her, then stopped.
“I couldn’t stay.”
“You couldn’t stay?” Her voice trembled now. “I had a child, Slade. Alone. A child you always wanted. I sat on the floor at night wondering how I was supposed to survive — and you couldn’t stay?”
He dragged a hand over his face. “I thought if I left, you’d be safe.”
“Safe?” She shook her head. “I was pregnant, abandoned, and alone in a construction site. What part of that was safe?”
He opened his mouth, closed it again.
“I didn’t know how to explain what happened,” he said at last. “And at some point… the silence became too big.”
“Then you should have talked,” she said, stepping closer. “Not disappeared.”
The silence between them was unbearable.
“I hated you,” she whispered. “Sometimes I still do.”
“I know,” he said softly. “And I deserve that.”
She struck him before she could stop herself. The sound echoed through the hall. He didn’t move.
“That,” she said, breath shaking, “is for every time I convinced myself you were dead.”
His eyes burned with tears. So did hers.
He reached for her, hesitated — then pulled her close. Not roughly. Not possessively. Like he was afraid she might vanish.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For everything.”
She should have pushed him away. She truly should have. Instead, she stayed. When he kissed her, it wasn’t gentle — it was desperate, filled with years they had lost.
“I never wanted to lose you,” he murmured against her forehead. “Then you should have stayed,” she answered — and didn’t let go.
They went to the bedroom without words. Not just from desire, but from the need to feel that they were real. That they still existed. That not everything had been a lie.
That night, they weren’t who they had become. They were who they once were. And for that moment, it was enough.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
The Place Where Hope Slowly Dies
The dungeon did not take everything from him at once.
At first, there had been anger — burning, upright, a final defiance against stone, cold, and the judgment that had been passed upon him. Slade had clenched his fists, had shouted, had demanded answers, had spoken her name again and again — Philly, always Philly — as if saying it aloud could keep her from slipping away. But the dungeon did not answer. It did what such places always do: it waited.
Days lost their shape, dissolved into a single gray current in which hunger, cold, and exhaustion were no longer events, but a permanent state. His body deteriorated faster than he could comprehend. Muscles that had once been taut like a drawn bow grew soft, then painful, then irrelevant. Every movement cost strength he no longer possessed. Sometimes he simply remained where he lay, because even the thought of standing was too heavy.
All of that was bearable.
What truly destroyed him came at night.
In the darkness — when there were no footsteps of guards, no sounds except his own breathing — the thoughts began. They did not arrive loudly. They arrived with precision.
Maybe she is dead.
At first, the thought was a whisper he pushed away in panic, as though burned. Philly was strong. Philly was clever. Philly had always survived. But the dungeon had time, and time made even the worst thoughts persistent. They returned.
Maybe she died giving birth. Maybe the Light found her. Maybe your child lives in Innesgreen — without you, without her.
Sometimes Slade curled in on himself, not from physical pain but from something far deeper, as if his chest were being torn open slowly. His child. His blood. A life he had wanted so fiercely that it now felt like punishment. If the child was a fairy — had the Light taken it from him? Given it to another family, raised under cold rules, without love, without the mother it should have had? And if the child was human… had Philly been punished for that?
“Please,” he whispered one night, no longer knowing to whom. “Please, not her.”
Hope did not die suddenly. It starved. Every day without a message, without a sign, without an answer stripped another layer away. Slade began to hate himself — for that night, for the instinct, for the desire that had outweighed caution, for leaving without telling her the truth. Perhaps she would have understood. Perhaps she would have hated him. But at least she would have known that he loved her.
Or was even that a lie? Did you love — or did you only take?
Sometimes he imagined her cursing his name, finishing the house alone, holding the child alone. And sometimes, in the worst nights, he imagined that she had learned to live without him — that his place no longer existed.
That was when something inside him finally broke.
Not loudly. Not dramatically. It was the quiet acceptance that love does not always suffice. That sacrifice is not always seen. That one can lose everything, even when acting for what feels like the right reasons.
When the Light finally summoned him after all those years, Slade was no longer a rebel. No longer a fighter. Just an old man with hollow eyes, scarcely daring to hope — because hope had nearly killed him once before.
“You no longer pose a danger,” the Light said calmly. “Your life is nearly spent.”
Slade laughed softly. “It has been for a long time.”
When they released him, there was no relief. Only fear. Because freedom meant answers were possible — and answers were the one thing he feared more than the darkness of the dungeon.
The road back to Ravenwood did not begin with hope.
It began with the question of whether he was strong enough to face the truth — whatever it might be.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Sixty
Sixty.
I avoided the word all day, as if not saying it might make it less real. But it lingered in the air — between the lights in the garden, the sound of voices, and the smell of freshly baked cake.
The family cake stood on the table again. The same recipe as always. The one I had been baking for years now. Sometimes I wondered whether I made it out of tradition — or out of fear of letting go of something that anchored me. Today, it felt like exactly that: an anchor.
Elli was missing. That was new.
She was at summer camp, somewhere between tents, campfires, and new friendships. She had messaged me that morning, too many exclamation marks and a blurry photo of her — laughing, sunburned, alive. I was happy for her. Truly. And still, there was that quiet ache, because for the first time, she wasn’t here.
Jean arrived first. She hugged me longer than usual, a little tighter. “Sixty suits you,” she said with a crooked grin. “Liar,” I replied dryly. She laughed, but in her eyes was the same disbelief I felt — at how quickly you arrive at a place you never saw coming.
Jay brought wine. A lot of wine. Isabelle wordlessly added more food to the table, as if she knew we would stay longer tonight. Georg was quieter than he used to be, but he smiled more. All of us had learned how precious smiles become after you’ve lost enough.
The evening grew warm. Louder. Looser. Glasses clinked, voices overlapped, old stories resurfaced, were embellished, then let go again. At some point someone said, “Do you remember…?” And we all did.
I watched my friends and felt a flicker of shock — not at the wrinkles, not at the gray hair, but at the realization that we had once been young and thought we had time.
“When did this happen?” I murmured, mostly to myself. Jean heard it anyway. “Between one breath and the next,” she said softly.
There was dancing. Real dancing. Not careful. Not dignified. Just free, as if there was nothing left to prove. If someone had seen us, they wouldn’t have guessed our age — or how much we had carried.
Late into the night, I sat apart for a moment, a glass in my hand, the music behind me. I thought of Elli — how she would soon be bigger than I could hold onto, how the years no longer stretched but collapsed into each other.
Sixty.
It didn’t feel like an ending. More like a quiet pause.
I had loved. I had lost. I had kept going.
And tonight — tonight I was here. With my people. With my story.
That had to be enough.
For now.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Summer Camp - Gibbi Gibbi
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Six Years
Elli turned six today. The garden was filled with laughter, cake, and summer air, and for a brief moment everything felt right. I wondered, just once, if he could somehow feel how much she has grown — and then I let the thought drift away.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
An Evening That Went Too Far
Ekade Aether was never someone who stood out.
He was simply… there. A part of Ravenwood, like the old houses and the crows on the rooftops. One of those people who didn’t carry their grief loudly, but as something that had long since settled into everyday life.
I hadn’t really known him until the new gym opened.
Not a loud place filled with neon lights — Ekade’s gym was warm and bright, almost gentle. Wood, large windows, sunlight spilling across the floor. A place that didn’t smell like effort, but like trying to keep going.
By then, my days had fallen into routine.
Dropping Elli off at kindergarten in the morning. Stopping by the gym afterward, just long enough to quiet my head. Only then heading to the shop.
Sometimes Ekade and I only crossed paths there for a few minutes.
A nod. A sentence.
“You look tired.”
“I am tired.”
He understood that without explanation.
He was raising the son of his late husband. I was raising Elli.
Loss recognizes loss.
Maybe that was all it ever was.
That evening, he stood at my door.
Not planned. Not dramatic.
Just like that.
Elli was already asleep, the house quiet, and I was at a point where even silence felt heavy.
I had cooked. He brought wine.
“Just one bottle,” he said calmly.
I raised an eyebrow.
“We both know it never stays at one.”
He laughed softly, and for a moment everything felt almost… normal.
We sat at the kitchen table, talking about nothing until nothing slowly turned into something more honest.
About children. About nights that grow too long. About simply functioning.
The first bottle was empty before either of us noticed.
Ekade seemed about to say something sensible.
But I was already standing.
“Wait.”
I went to the cupboard.
Brought more wine.
“Philly…”
“Just one more glass.”
One glass became two.
Two became a second bottle.
Then a third.
And at some point there was that warm, blurry laughter you only get when you’ve already gone too far.
Ekade’s gaze lingered on me a moment too long.
And mine on him.
“You shouldn’t look at me like that,” I murmured.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly anymore.”
“Maybe you don’t have to tonight.”
That was the moment.
No storm.
More like a slow tilt.
As if the night had been waiting for both of us to stop being strong for just a moment.
His hand brushed mine.
I didn’t pull away.
We ended up in the old armchair in the living area first.
Too close.
Too warm.
Kisses tasting of wine and something unnamed.
I heard myself laugh, soft and breathless.
“Ekade…”
“I know.”
And then everything blurred.
Images.
Skin.
The feeling of not being alone.
The bedroom at some point.
But I don’t remember how we got there.
Only fragments.
And the sense that, for a few hours, the world stopped being so heavy.
I woke the next morning as if someone had turned summer up too loud.
Light through the curtains.
A pounding head.
The bitter taste of too much wine and too many decisions.
Ekade was gone.
No message.
No explanation.
Only his cup missing.
And the silence in the house had returned.
Just… different.
I sat there for a long time.
Not drowning in guilt.
Not wrapped in romance.
Just with the dull awareness that something had happened.
A slip.
A human moment.
An evening that went too far.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Elli is in kindergarten now.
The thought feels bigger than it should. As if yesterday I was still holding her tiny hands, still feeling her cling to me at night because the world was too large. And now she walks to the door in the morning with her little backpack, turns around once more, and waves as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.
Maybe it is.
Maybe I’m the only one who still startles sometimes when time moves forward.
Since Elli is gone during the day, I’ve been back at the shop more.
It feels good to have a rhythm again. To greet customers, to arrange shelves, to have conversations that aren’t only made of “Mama” and “Why?” Isabelle is there, as always—reliable, calm, almost part of the foundation itself. She has worked here for years, even back when Amber was still alive, when everything was different.
Sometimes, I get sentimental.
When I walk through the shop and remember how we built it. The three of us. With too much coffee, too many ideas, and the feeling that we were creating a piece of future for ourselves. Amber with her dark humor, her warmth beneath all the shadows. Slade with his quiet presence, his light that softened everything.
And now…
Now, it’s only me.
Amber is gone.
Slade has disappeared.
But I don’t think about it every day anymore.
It isn’t forgotten. It’s more… placed somewhere. Like an old photograph in a drawer. It still hurts if you stare at it for too long, but you can close it again.
Elli is growing. She is thriving. She is laughing.
The shop is running.
The house is finished—almost. The roof still needs work, and the outside paint as well, but that can wait. There is no pressure anymore. No survival mode.
For the first time in a long while, I feel good.
Not euphoric.
Not invincible.
But calm.
As if I’ve finally understood that life doesn’t always return loudly.
Sometimes it comes back quietly.
With a kindergarten backpack.
With the smell of coffee in the shop.
With the feeling that I am still here.
And that it is enough.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Three Years
Elli turns three today.
Three years.
Sometimes it feels like time only blinked. And sometimes it feels like it ran me over and kept going, without caring whether I was ready.
Three birthdays.
Three years in which I haven’t heard a single thing from Slade.
No card. No call. No sign.
In the beginning, I waited. Not openly, not loudly—more quietly, like someone who doesn’t want to admit to themselves that they’re still hoping. Every morning, I paused for a moment when the mailbox rattled. Sometimes I stared at my phone for too long.
But eventually… you stop.
Not because it doesn’t hurt anymore.
But because you grow tired of hoping.
Elli doesn’t know any of this. For her, the world is whole exactly as it is. She laughs, she runs, she calls for me as if nothing is missing. Maybe that is her greatest gift to me: that she forces me to live in the present.
And she has family.
More than I ever imagined.
Jean and Jay were here today, with their two little boys who immediately stormed through the house as if it were their own. Isabelle and Georg came too—their daughter holding their hands, a little shy, but with that gentle smile that looks so much like both of them.
Our little network.
What’s left of the light.
The garden was full of voices, children’s laughter, and the chaos of too many sweets. There was a cake—far too colorful and far too big, exactly the way Elli wanted it. Gifts were stacked on the table, ribbons were torn open, chocolate ended up where it shouldn’t.
Elli was shining.
She wore a little paper crown and acted as if she were the queen of the world—and maybe she was, for this one day.
I watched her blow out the candles, watched her eyes glow, watched her throw herself into the arms of the people who stayed.
And suddenly I thought: Maybe this is enough.
Not perfect.
Not the way I once imagined it.
But real.
Three years without Slade.
And still… three years full of life.
Today, I didn’t wait.
Today, I celebrated.
For Elli.
For what remains.
Read all diary entries - First diary entrie
Time
Sometimes, when I watch Elli playing in the garden, I startle—not because something happens, but because I suddenly realize how quickly time is passing. She is so small, and yet sometimes she already feels like her own little universe, as if she understands things I am only beginning to grasp. For a long time, I never believed I would ever feel something like contentment again. And yet it is there—not loud, not perfect, but quiet and real.
Elli has healed my wounds. The scars remain, I am still alone, raising my daughter by myself, but I no longer break under the weight of it. I put Slade’s bow away, along with everything else that reminded me of him. Not out of hatred—more out of necessity. Some things hurt less when they aren’t visible every day. There isn’t much left.
Someday, when Elli is old enough, I will tell her about her father. I will give her the bow as a sign, as a piece of the past that belongs to her, even if he is no longer here. In the place where the target once stood, there is now an old punching bag. A different kind of training. A different kind of fight.
I have found my way back to myself. I exercise whenever I can, I meet with Jean and the others, and sometimes I even laugh again without feeling guilty afterward. The shop often stays closed—not because I don’t love it, but because Elli needs me, because my time has become something different.
She is a sweet child. But she demands so much of me. Sometimes too much. And still… maybe that is exactly what is good. Because she doesn’t allow me to stand still. She forces me to keep going. Step by step. Day by day.