noir

why do we chase the tired fireflies?

[fireflynoir]

This sadness will never end. All this life ever gave me was just loss and pain after loss and pain. I don’t think anyone will read this or care about it. All I know for sure is that the only way I can put a full stop to this is by putting a stop to my life. They say your heart does stop beating once in a while but it rectifies itself and starts beating again. The moment my heart stops and does not rectify itself, the moment I close my eyes for good, that’s when I will finally find my peace. I battled all of this by myself on my own until now. I know it is a downhill battle. I failed. I failed to protect myself, I failed to save myself. The only person who could gave up on me too. It’s okay. I will no longer be here writing my own out. I will let it bottle up. I will let it pop that vein in my brain or my heart and gift me my death. I hope it does. Thank you to everyone. If you knew me or if you did not, I thank you nonetheless.

I always thought I could be a firefly. Turns out I was just a moth attracted to death all along.

[fireflynoir]

Will I ever be allowed to be happy? Ever?

[fireflynoir]

The cure that can mend my wounds won’t reach out to me,

The death that that I crave won’t let me reach it.

[fireflynoir]

Another day of enduring a constant battle with a heart that keeps cracking more and more even after being completely shattered.

[fireflynoir]

Flawed yet pure.

[fireflynoir]

Yesterday night I had a weird feeling in my chest, my heart to be more precise. It almost felt like a heart attack or something. It was right before bed time. And I sat down for a minute thinking it might be the last time I fall asleep. I sat down and thought and all I could think of is everything I lost. All that I ever wanted just collapse in front of me while I was hopeless. It felt good, somehow the feeling of it being my last sleep felt home. There was no fear, just an acute feeling of pain in my chest and a lifetime of depression.

Unfortunately, I woke up today morning again.

[fireflynoir]

Oh the dead me would be so happy!

[fireflynoir]

Die like I do.

[fireflynoir]

I’m a grave that still speaks.

[fireflynoir]

I’ll die an empty death.

[fireflynoir]

That fucked up angry feeling that you get when you WAKE UP while you hoped to die in your sleep.

[fireflynoir]

Drunk, drowned and destroyed in failure.

[fireflynoir]

I lost my mind. Slowly and all at once, like an avalanche.

[fireflynoir]

I endure pain that’s hardly worth any recognition, so sharp yet so quiet. A ghost with no dignity.

[fireflynoir]

In a little while I’ll turn to ashes. What would you do? Will you write about me in your journal? Will you call me on my phone over and over hoping I’ll pick up one last time? Will you paint my portrait in memory of what we shared? Will you call me names for choosing the easy way out? Or will you just carry on with your life as if I never existed the way you did when I was still alive?

I am just a clip of in memoriam still walking around.

[literaryvein]

L. V., archived thoughts

[fireflynoir]

Bury your wings, burn your dreams. Die.