So... I got my new iPad less than I month ago, but it feels like ages. It has kind of been an emotional rollercoaster. I was so excited to have it for drawing, and well, after four days of using it, my drawing hand became very painful.
I’m no stranger to hand pain. I’m left-handed, but my right hand has been destroyed for years. It started in senior year of college when I went hard on school projects, vectoring with the (right-handed) mouse nonstop. Pain and clicking in thumb joint and wrist. I went years with that pain, and all my hobbies (sewing, knitting, gardening) and basic chores (typing, chopping food, cleaning, etc) hurt my hand. I wear braces, etc. I even eventually finally went to a hand doc and he told me I “had a loose joint” and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to punch him. Instead I went home crying.
I felt I could put up with the hand pain as long as it didn’t affect my art. I’ve never had a problem with intense pain from drawing ever in my life. I could draw for hours. Then, 4 days of using the iPad and I felt destroyed. This physical and mental road block sent me to buy literally anything I could on Amazon to help my hand. Now I’m tending to BOTH hands, and well, it’s kind of pathetic. This pain in my left hand demoralized me a bit. I want to work so hard on my comic and I feel like I fell flat on my face before really getting started.
Anyway, I’ve adjusted my workflow to improve the ergonomics (still need a standing desk situation, b/c drawing in my bed is... killing my back), been trying to be good about doing hand stretches, and am seeing a different (sister-approved) hand doc later this month. I’m trying to be proactive because I feel my right hand is a lost cause but I can recover my dominant hand and keep it from being completely destroyed. It’s just sad when something like this keeps you from something you love. I can’t even stop myself from drawing, though. For better or worse.
I have about 4 comic pages done and others in the works, a third or more of the first chapter thumbnailed. (And well, I have about 40% of the story full scripted and the entire thing planned out). I have to say, the pages are taking me way longer than anticipated. Some have taken 8 hours. Simpler ones are 6. That doesn’t include the thumbnailing stage which are fairly concrete sketches I’m bringing in, (I find I draw better on paper, plus I want to minimize my time on the iPad) which probably take an hour+ each on their own. AKA pages are taking a very long time. Whether or not they live up to my expectations or not is a different story, but.
The other night I went into a panic attack in the middle of the night. Hello, insomnia. I was already well aware that on even a fast pace, this comic will take 10 years to draw. Realizing that with a full-time job, I can’t reasonably commit to 3 pages/week...my brain always needs to figure out logistics. I’m very cart-before-the-horse, and well, it’s tiresome. 44 chapters total, let’s say average 35 pages each.That’s over 1500 pages. Yes, I’m insane, but that’s the plan. Right now, I think I can push myself to 10 pages/month. That will be 3 chapters (with breaks between for thumbnailing) a year, puts me in a good position for how I structured the story (every 3 chapters is an arc/mini-arc.) BUT. That’s legit 14 years of constantly nonstop work. FUck me. I want to go faster. There’s so much story to tell, I want to go faster.
Eventually, if things take off even remotely at all (aka with fan funding), I’d like to hire a color flatter (know one?) That way I could produce pages faster without completely destroying my health and sanity. Am I insane? I think I probably am.
Overall I feel very anxious. I don’t know if what I’m producing even lives up to my standard but I don’t want to be caught up in perfection (I’m a perfectionist but I very quickly learn to give things up when you need a finished product sooner than later. I can live with “good enough”). I’m hoping art-wise I will improve. That’s how it works, right? I don’t know what I’m doing with backgrounds and colors LOL.
I’m very anxious. I don’t know if anyone will care. What if they don’t? That will probably kill me. What if they do? I’m afraid. I’m afraid of someone trying to call me problematic for my storytelling. IDK why, but that’s a big fear of mine. Some of the topics and themes of the story aren’t very pretty, so. I’m very anxious.
Also, hahah, despite feeling like I have a pathway in life now, I’m still depressed. Imagine that. Still very empty inside. But my characters make me feel a little less lonely. Honestly, this story was built out of depression, so I guess we’ve come full circle. My deepest hope is that someone will grow attached to the characters that way I have. In retrospect, the MC shares a lot of my own experiences, hahah. He’s way more impulsive than me though. I hope people can relate to him, and the other characters, because it’s literally an extension of me, hahah.
I feel alone in this, but I’m working hard. I’m a Capricorn. We live for goals. I have a goal now. Something that makes my life feel meaningful. I hope along the line, someone will care, but all and all, I’m doing this for myself. It’s something I wanted to do since I was 10 years old. I’ve always been fruitlessly making failed comics in the background. This time is for real. Somehow this was the timeline I was supposed to be on to write this story. That’s as positive as I can be about my shitty life experiences, lol. Finally, now that I’m 30, I know the story I want to tell.
