āA bundle of contradictionsā was the end of my previous letter and is the beginning of this one. Can you please tell me exactly what āa bundle of contradictionsā is? What does ācontradictionā mean? Like so many words, it can be interpreted in two ways: a contradiction imposed from without and one imposed from within.
The former means not accepting other peopleās opinions, always knowing best, having the last word; in short, all those unpleasant traits for which Iām known. The latter, for which Iām not known, is my own secret.
As Iāve told you many times, Iām split in two. One side contains my exuberant cheerfulness, my flippancy, my joy in life and, above all, my ability to appreciate the lighter side of things. By that I mean not finding anything wrong with flirtations, a kiss, an embrace, an off-colour joke. This side of me is usually lying in wait to ambush the other one, which is much purer, deeper and finer. No one knows Anneās better side, and thatās why most people canāt stand me.
Oh, I can be an amusing clown for an afternoon, but after that everyoneās had enough of me to last a month. Actually, Iām what a romantic movie is to a profound thinker ā a mere diversion, a comic interlude, something that is soon forgotten: not bad, but not particularly good either.
I hate having to tell you this, but why shouldnāt I admit it when I know itās true? My lighter, more superficial side will always steal a march on the deeper side and therefore always win. You canāt imagine how often Iāve tried to push away this Anne, which is only half of what is known as Anne-to beat her down, hide her. But it doesnāt work, and I know why.
Iām afraid that people who know me as I usually am will discover I have another side, a better and finer side. Iām afraid theyāll mock me, think Iām ridiculous and sentimental and not take me seriously. Iām used to not being taken seriously, but only the ālight-heartedā Anne is used to it and can put up with it; the ādeeperā Anne is too weak. If I force the good Anne into the spotlight for even fifteen minutes, she shuts up like a clam the moment sheās called upon to speak, and lets Anne number one do the talking. Before I realize it, sheās disappeared.
So the nice Anne is never seen in company. Sheās never made a single appearance, though she almost always takes the stage when Iām alone. I know exactly how Iād like to be, how I amā¦ on the inside. But unfortunately Iām only like that with myself. And perhaps thatās why-no, Iām sure thatās the reason why I think of myself as happy on the inside and other people think Iām happy on the outside. Iām guided by the pure Anne within, but on the outside Iām nothing but a frolicsome little goat tugging at its tether.
As Iāve told you, what I say is not what I feel, which is why I have a reputation for being boy-crazy as well as a flirt, a smart aleck and a reader of romances. The happy-go-lucky Anne laughs, gives a flippant reply, shrugs her shoulders and pretends she doesnāt give a darn. The quiet Anne reacts in just the opposite way. If Iām being completely honest, Iāll have to admit that it does matter to me, that Iām trying very hard to change myself, but that I Iām always up against a more powerful enemy.
A voice within me is sobbing, āYou see, thatās whatās become of you. Youāre surrounded by negative opinions, dismayed looks and mocking faces, people, who dislike you, and all because you donāt listen to the advice of your own better half.ā
Believe me, Iād like to listen, but it doesnāt work, because if Iām quiet and serious, everyone thinks Iām putting on a new act and I have to save myself with a joke, and then Iām not even talking about my own family, who assume I must be sick, stuff me with aspirins and sedatives, feel my neck and forehead to see if I have a temperature, ask about my bowel movements and berate me for being in a bad mood, until I just canāt keep it up anymore, because when everybody starts hovering over me, I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside g out, the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what Iād like to be and what I could be ifā¦ if only there were no other people in the world.
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
andulkaphoto
discoholicmusic
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
areudirty
romaincrisis
