I'm so indecisive, it's killing everyone
I think it's pretty clear at this point that I practically invented indecisiveness.
Recently, my mother told me that when I was younger, I wanted to sign up for everything: piano, drums, ballet, taekwondo. I knew I was an activity kinda girl, but I didn't know how much my parents stopped me from basically doing everything. And the reason why this conversation even came up in the first place was beacuse I am considering moving to International Relations.
While taking my calculus summer course, I had told myself (and a bunch of people around me, especially during final season) that if I were to fail calculus, I'd move to IR. It started out as a joke. a few of my friends took the summer course because they failed calculus in the previous terms. Now, I've been dumb in maths for as long as I could remember. I had accepted the fact that it just wasn't my strong suit. And it was okay for me, because I knew english and humanities was where I belonged. My first dream university was Oxford. I wanted to study English Literature, even though some (or shall I say many) may argue that it's one of the most useless majors to peruse. At the time, I didn't care. All I cared about was that I loved reading books, and soon later, I also founded my love for writing said books.
But by eighth grade, I also founded my interest in sciences. With my logic at the time, I thought pursuing my studies in biology would not only fulfil my curiosities, but also ensure that I'd have a stable and respectable career. By tenth grade, I had taken all the external exams needed to go to uni— and so I did just that. I skipped two whole years of high school and went to university by the age of sixteen, majoring in biological sciences.
It's been a year since then. In a few days time, I'd officially start my first day of my second year. But with that, I've come to another realisation. I'm not doing well in sciences. My university's notoriously known to be hard in terms of academics, that's one of the reasons for its highly respectable reputation. And I've noticed a pattern of my struggles in my grades, specifically in chemistry or any other calculation and test-based courses. My promise was partly a joke, and partly a cry for help. I wasn't worried about getting a bad grade, I was worried about failing calculus, because that would mean I'd not graduate with honour's when the time comes. Even though the time to graduate is far from now, I'd still want to keep up my chances. Now the loophole of this requirement is that my core courses will not automatically transfer if I were to change majors.
Another reason for my promise was that sometimes, I could see myself studying IR. That those thoughts came more often the more time passes by. One of the main reasons was MUN.
I started doing MUN a few years back, when I was still a freshman in high school. I had no interests in politics or global affairs, but I thought I'd give it a try for the sake of it. I was Jeremy Corbyn for the UKPC, a special conferences in which the majority of the regular MUN procedures did not apply. To say that I struggled was an understatement. It was almost torturous to sit there for the entire day for three days straight doing nothing except raising my placards when everyone did and read out my pre-written speech for all my topics. But for some reason, I still reapplied the year after, requesting to specifically rejoin the UKPC. It was still almost tortuous, but It was less so. I understood things a little more, contributed and helped out other delegates in terms of research and information and even co-sponsored a resolution (which was a huge "yay" from Mr. Mark, my social studies and world history teacher whom brought us to MUN). But when I started planning for uni, I never thought I'd ever do it again, partly because I thought MUNs didn't exist for university students, but also because I thought it would be behind me— I wasn't studying anything related to it, after all. It was only at the open house where I founded the MUN booth and talked to their vice president. I learned that there was once a biology major who joined an MUN hosted by the university. Despite that, I did not join their MUN club as a member, thinking that I didn't have time, plus I was still settling in. Towards the end of my first term, I decided to join a conference they hosted— a Hunger Games-based conferences in which everyone delegated a district (plus the Capitol). I remembered that I was an hour late to a two-hour conference and gave once speech in a moderated caucus. Despite this, the chair (whom I later learned was Max who is now a very great friend of mine) praised my "energy" and speech. It was also later followed by practically everyone else (in which I also learned were members of the club itself). We exchanged instagrams and Anfield drove me home. During the ride, we talked about uni life where he gave me advice on people, but also in academics. It was the moment I realised that my social life might be slowly growing. There was no need for much convincing to make me sign up to be a member of the club the following term. Despite my concern for the lack of prior knowledge, I became part of the academic team of MUICMUN. Ever since then, I've joined countless external and internal conferences, winning an award as well. In the midst of things, I've come to realise how much I genuinely enjoy it, both delegating and chairing. My biology friends had taken notice and jokingly suggested I change majors.
I've never thought much of it until now. My debating skills, my genuine interest in global politics (despite trying to not indulge myself too much into it), all of it. Until I told Max and a few others (half) seriously about moving. Let's just say I got a lot of "I hope you fail calculus"s.
I've brought it up to Mr. Ben (bless him). Although he tries to suppress his personal "selfish" opinions, I can tell he was kind of relived? His first thought was "thank god, that sounds more like her". And I'm not going to argue with that. He taught me English in middle school, after all. He brought up the fact that it was okay for me to have an interest in science, but it doesn't mean that I'd have to fully commit to it, especially because it isn't my strong suit (and I'd have to commit more to it compared to my peers, maybe). But IR is something more fitting to me, especially as a major/career. Plus, the lack of extreme commitment means that I'd have the energy and time to really explore myself with side quests that I've been doing (like being the ambassador of the university or even MUNs).
And now here I am, still clueless as ever. My current plan is to take a few IR courses with a few friends to see if I genuinely enjoy it (the timeline to change majors isn't until a few months). I can't live a double life, not when I already have one with music...I would be a triple life.
PS: Mr Ben also added that (even though it is selfish of him to say it but) it would be easier for him to turn me into a musician if I were to study IR, as it would open me to more flexibility in time and commitment to both academics and music....that may have been the last push for me to move, but I'm definitely not rushing.
