It has been about a week since my realization that I need to focus on my own personal freedom so that I can help myself and my family. Need to focus on free not failure. I feel like failure is taking over but I am taking baby steps forward. Last night was a catastrophic fail in parenting as my boys were so exhausted due to lack of schedule and I just became frustrated that they wouldn’t go to sleep and yelled at them. Breaks my heart to watch them struggle and for me to get to the point that I am just yelling at them. I know, all parents yell at times but this was a fail because their schedule is so messed up that it is affecting all aspects of their lives and I was screaming at a 3 and 6 year old, which never helps. These little boys have my heart and they are not getting the best Mom that I can be and that I know for a fact. These two have been through so much in their young lives. Mom and Dad divorced and both are re-married now, they deserve nothing but 100% love and effort from me.
I remember when I was younger and unfortunately this still holds true today, my name should have been QUEEN of procrastination. I have always been able to meet a deadline, so why rush. Well that philosophy on procrastinating has only led to me not focusing on what I need/want because I don’t even take the time to answer the most simple question about myself. What will allow me to be free? I guess answering that question is going to be a slow process for me because I continuously think about it and don’t have an answer, hence procrastinating on actually doing the work to get an answer. I am going to focus on things that I know are not what I want in my life. I am going to write, whether here or somewhere else, to try to get my thoughts out and hold myself accountable.
I am going to focus on my health and schedule. To be even more specific my eating habits and my family schedule. I know that I must focus on my emotional health also and hopefully writing will help with that but I am thinking that the negative thoughts in my head are the biggest issue. I always thought it was silly and weak minded to focus on a few changes at a time but that is the route that I am going. I am never been successful with lifestyle changes and I have never really tried doing things slowly. Always been the all or nothing girl.
When I say that I am overweight, that is the nice way to say morbidly obese but really its more like the stay puft marshmallow woman trying to find a waist for jeans. So in an attempt to focus on little changes and to get our schedules back on track, no going out to eat and back to eating meals at home. It’s only Wednesday but hey, I have been successful so far this week. This one is a big one to me in so many aspects because I know that going out to eat is some type of emotional food trigger for me. I enjoy cooking so I don’t know why or how I usually get off track and end up eating out 5 or more times a week.
Anyways, this 40 something is rambling again. I started this re-focus with the goal of trying to see what I needed to make myself be free but really, I know that I will focus on my entire family. My husband took to social media yesterday to express is love for me and instead of putting a smile on my face, it made me uncomfortable. I wonder if that is a side affect from my divorce with my kids father......that is a topic for another day. Onward go...