my brain is joker mush lol

nothing on here is okay to rb (except for certain drawings and things I rb) 🦈🦈 18+ only pls 🦈🦈 Fitz 🦈🦈 they/them 🦈🦈 22 🦈🦈 autism and selective mutism (among other things) 🦈🦈 a vent/journal blog idk lol

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Pinned post

Hi I'm Fitz!! I'm a 22 year old greyace enby butch lesbian and I use he/they pronouns (they/them preferred though) This is my vent/journal/mental health blog. My text posts are NOT okay to rb, but some of the vent art I make is okay to rb (just depends on how personal it is)

Other stuff (pls read)

🦈 I have autism, ptsd, (suspected) bpd and ocd and psychosis. The only one I've ever been able to get an official diagnosis for is autism and ptsd. I can't seem to get one for the other stuff, but my therapist suspects I have psychosis and then the rest I genuinely cannot get a diagnosis for lol

🦈 I also talk about my physical health too sometimes. I have noncystic fibrosis bronchiectasis, ibs and endometriosis. I also have some inflammation and thyroid issues that I'm still waiting to hear from the doctor about

🦈 While I do vent on this blog, I occasionally post/rb positive and encouraging things

🦈 PLS dni if you are proship or anything related. As a csa victim it makes me very uncomfortable to see people defend things like pedophilia, abuse, rape, etc. (Also dni if you're any type of bigot)

🦈 once again, NONE OF MY POSTS ARE OKAY TO RB UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE

🦈 my main is @/fitzfunnymoments

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I wish I weren't too much of a pussy to se//lf ha//rm the right way. I usually just scratch my arms until they bleed. I recently tried cu//tting myself with scissors but chickened out since I'm too scared to actually draw blo//od

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I wish I never got used to feeling even slightly okay and happy. I wish I never got used to feeling safe and accepted and loved. I never deserved any of it. I was so stupid. I should've known better than to get used to it. I deserve to be hurt and used over and over again. that's all I'm good for. that's what I really deserve

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I think I just need to die. everything that ever made me happy has been suddenly ripped away from me. the only thing I had left in life is probably something I'm going to have to give up. I have no reason to keep living. I have nothing left to wake up in the morning or do anything for. I have no reason to stop self harming. my life is pointless now

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

This is not meant in a sexual way so don't even try to interpret it thay way but like. Some sick part of me Wants to be abused again

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Wow I sure do love being made to feel weird and stupid over feeling like I don't deserve safety or happiness and instead feeling like I deserve to face the same hurt I did before 👍

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Even if there does come a day when therapy finally works for me and I'm better it's going to be too late for me. I'll be too old to do any of the things I've always wanted to. Everyone I know will probably be tired of me by then. I'll have wasted most of my life. I'll still be completely alone. I live in a house where my grandparents want to keep me as dependent on them as possible and they don't let me do things on my own, so even if I do get to move out one day I'll have no idea what to do. It'll be too late for me

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

dear god pls someone remind me of what a horrible stupid piece of shit I am. remind me that I can;t be loved bt anyone and that i desrbe to be hurt. pls pls pls remind me of how unloavleb I am. tell me I deserved all the abuse I went through and that nobody would miss me if I were gone pls tell me how everyone in my life hates me. I'm begging pls let me know that everyone would be happier without me so maybe one day it'll be easier to kill mysefl

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

sending myself anon hate as a bizarre form of self harm

[borderline-culture-is]

(suspected) bpd culture is god i wish i could just send out a cry for help to my friends so that theyd ask me whats wrong and if im ok but i dont talk my problems ever and chances are my problems just disappear anyways. this message itself is kind of a cry for help if my friends even recognize who i am. i should start using a signoff more often (im not going to)

(this was sent on anon. and it's no issue for us to post them anonymously, no need to worry about that)

[borderline-culture-is]

bpd makes you constantly wonder if you should break up with your lover or cut off your dearest friends because you feel too wrecked and too ruined to allow yourself to love and be loved. and there’s always a voice in the back of your mind telling you you’ll never be good enough and everyone is better off without you and your bullshit, the splitting episodes, the emotional instability, the depression or the constant feeling of complete emptiness, the paranoia and dissociation. after all you’re too difficult to deal with

-🪻💫

.

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Maybe I am just as fucked up as my dad. Maybethis is what he wanted all along

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I've come to accept the fact that I can't be loved. It's been made clear my whole life that I can never be loved. I can only be hurt. I deserve to be hurt. I need to be reminded every day that I can't be loved by anyone and that I don't deserve it

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Sending myself anon hate as some bizarre form of self harm. Part of me wishes someone else would send me hate so it would hurt more. I need to be reminded of how awful I really am

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I need to be reminded that I can't be loved

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

I need to be reminded that I'm unlovable. I need to be reminded that I'm actually a terrible person. I deserve to be abused and hurt and abandoned over and over again. I don't deserve safety or love or comfort. I deserve constant pain and suffering

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

everyone I know hates me. they won't say it but I know for a fact they do

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

Everyone else gets to be happy and loved and has reasons to live

Meanwhile I'm stuck living in a house where I'm barely accepted and had to give up on all my dreams, I wasn't even worth it to the one person who made me feel like I Was worth it, I'm so fucked up from severe trauma and mental illness I can't function like a normal human being but I can't get any kind of help with any of it, I have a therapist who has no desire to help me, I have no friends and most people hate me as soon as they meet me, I can't talk to anyone longer than a few minutes without coming dangerously close to attempting suicide because of how bad the fear of them leaving me is, I'm a huge burden. I could keep going. My life actually sucks and I have no reason to live