I AM STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS

[fixednerves]

I am feeling very sad just now. I don’t like myself very much and I’m really struggling. And I’m scared to be struggling because I’m supposed to be progressing. I genuinely hate myself some days, I just feel like a big burden. I just want to pack a bag tonight and run off to a place with no people in the highlands and just be there and nobody has to deal with me. I’ve been isolating myself over the last few months and I just don’t ever want to see anybody. I’ve been feeling more and more anxious recently and I always feel like there’s a big weight on me. I’m struggling to talk to people. I’m not sleeping, then I’m sleeping too much, I’m eating too much, I just hate everything. I’ve been keeping this all in too because I just don’t want to give people yet another negative thing. Just really wish I wasn’t here just now or I could stop time til I felt together and everyone including myself would probably be better off for it.

[fixednerves]

wish a wis deed

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I hope I figure everything out and it all works out.

I have so much like...turmoil raging inside of me recently and it feels so so horrible. I’m not at ease with life and I’m feeling ways that scare me like, I spent 4 hours last night when I was in bed trying to sleep just playing on loop the image of me jumping in front of a train. Like. That’s where I’m at. My brain is obsessed with it, I can barely stop thinking of it to even watch something on tv in full. I’m in a bad way.

[fixednerves]

I want to be happy, I want to be stable, I want to feel fulfilled, I want to have clarity, I want to feel strong, I want her.

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I think I’ve actually lost part of my sanity, I feel like a different person right now and it’s actually scaring me a bit.

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My period has finally kicked in after a week of waiting and having random cramps for half an hour thinking that was it coming but then having it go away again. I’m so sore and so sad and I feel sick and I just hate it soooo much, I just wish I never ever had to have one again. I wanna be spooned and have hot water bottles stuck to my entire abdomen/back. Ughhhh.

[fixednerves]

I am seriously fucking unhinged today, this time of year has been so bad for me, my head is just on a repeat loop video of me ending things like I don’t want to be alive today because I can’t cope with all of these fucking feelings that are coming in and consuming me it is too much too too much and I hate myself and I hate everything and I feel like all my insides are twisted and tangled to the point of breaking today

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Oh wow I woke up in such a fuckin dark dark place today, I don’t even wanna be here man my chest feels like it has barbed wire wrapped right around it

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I thought I was okay but now I’m having a panic attack. Why did everything have to get ruined why did everything go to shit this year everything I loved n everything thT made me happy, I was the happiest of ever been in my whole entire life and now I’m empty

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It’s gonna be the first Hogmanay in 4 years I’m not gonna get to kiss her at midnight and I feel really weird about it.

[fixednerves]

Looking back over my year and as shit as the last 6 months have been, the first 6 months were actually pretty great like I did a few cool things up until May and then went travelling which was perfect. It gave me that horrible feeling in my tummy looking through videos and photos because I forgot how perfect it was and how much I loved every single place we went and how much of an amazing time I had. I wish I could do it all over again. I hate that all the shit times started literally a few wee hours since we got home from our trip. I hate it. I keep thinking of 2018 as a terrible year and like it wasn’t overall but from July onwards it got so bad hat it just totally eclipsed everything else.

I’m hoping 2019 will be a good year but I’m really scared because after looking through what I did in 2018 - yeah I was so heartbroken I nearly just stopped breathing and people died and I lost my job but other than that it was fun - I’m scared because I don’t have anything planned. Usually there’d be loads of things already that we were going to do but now that I’m alone it’s like...all the little things you do with someone that you don’t necessarily do with pals I’m not gonna do. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself/2019 because I know I’m still trying to heal from a lot. But it’s making me so sad thinking of how empty it might be, especially compared to the last 4 years. Whether it was walks in the park or days out at the beach or Loch Lomond or nights out or gigs or dinners or wee music festivals or wee trips to Arran or the woods or London or whatever like...there was always lots to do and now I have no plans and I can see me hardly doing anything this year and getting to the time next year and thinking back to my “memories” and hardly having any in comparison. I feel like I’m just gonna work and stay in most of the time. I know I could make plans with friends obviously but like, it’s just not as special/exciting when it’s not with the one that you love? Life isn’t as exciting as it usually is and there’s so much sadness that comes over me when I think of that. Every day used to be exciting even if it was just getting home from work and we were gonna order Chinese and watch a movie like, I was excited for that. Now I’m not really excited for much because life is just a lot more empty. I dunno.

[fixednerves]

I am like, so due a festive breakdown but I dunno when it’s gonna come so I’m just like permanently on edge hoping that it’s not today. Praying I can get through work tonight and thankful I’m only in for a few hours. Praying it’s not tomorrow. Praying it never comes. I can’t go back there again, i can’t, I can’t believe I ever was there, I can’t do it again, I don’t think I’ll be able to pull myself out this time. I just wanna not exist really. I wanna be held. I want everything bad to go away cause I can feel the darkness creeping back in and I’m nowhere ready for it.

[fixednerves]

I have no idea how I’m even gonna survive this Christmas.

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This is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

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I honestly wonder where in life I’d be if I just liked myself a bit more. If I had confidence. If I didn’t feel so worthless and unworthy all the time. If I didn’t always feel so small around people. I always feel so small. I wonder who I’d be. It’s followed me my whole life like a big grey cloud above my head n I just wish I felt good enough sometimes and actually believed it. I just feel like nothing next to everyone else. Imagine being confident, what on earth must that feel like.

[fixednerves]

I’m scared my life is running away from me.

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In a bad place this evening, I hate my body so so much like I feel like the worst thing in the world n I keep doing things that are bad for me and I just look and feel horrible. I’m trying so hard not to but I definitely hate myself a bit, I wish I could just change everything about me.