What to do when you used to be evil?
"Hi everyone," i say to an utterly empty theater. somehow i still hear someone booing
um yeah idk i made this tumblr after i was reminded my tumblr posts are still like, somewhat reachable, at least a couple of the ones thatgot a decent amount of notes. And that some of them are still circulating kind of it seems just from like. googling my deactivated url then clicking through the notes. im like totally aware no one is gonna see this but i know the chance that someone will see this is less than 0 so i use that to justify making it seem as though im talking to an audience. But also if i didnt want anyone to read this i wouldnt be posting it on a very accessible tumblr blog would i.
i deactivated my tumblr in like, may of 2023 after being on & off the site since i was about 8 or 9 years old. A large chunk of my life was basically just tumblr. Ive met some friends i still hold dear via tumblr, although most of us have never met in person i still value their online friendship and theyre basically the only reason i still have a fucking discord account lol. Anyway. i was an extremely lonely person who lived on tumblr. i also happened to be someone who was insecure, suffering & yet still had some like massive ego despite my lacking social skills or lacking life or w/e which in turn caused me to be extremely mean spirited online... And behave in a cringe manner.
when i say "behave in a cringe manner" i dont mean i like, really liked anime or shipped myself with a fictional character (I do now btw because its actually, how do you say, based) to me thats not necessarily cringe... althohg i believed differently at the time. When i say i behaved in a cringe manner i mean i was the kind of person to mock those kinds of people & act all superior as if i wasnt like, kinning really bizarre fictional characters for multiple years. (No hate to the kinnies, i was one, but you are not exactly in the position to mock someone else for their media related obsessions or whatever LOL)
I was a straight up cyberbully even when i was like, 20. I went through a fairly long period of my life where i seemed to feel no remorse, care about nobody except for myself, post outrageous shit just to post it. It makes me sick to think about, how i could be soo like cruel & stupid & weird to people who really didnt deserve it, no one deserves to be told such cruel things. I brought more hate into the world from the ages of like. 12-21 i wanna say. I know some people believe cyberbullying isnt real, youshould just "log off" and while i may agree with the latter i certainly dont with the former. "Just log off" isn't such easy advice, anyway. especially to teenagers -- especially now, my god, its a growing number of kids that think social media is their life. I thought that way in my adolescence & i regret it. Some say regret is pointless, i disagree. i dont think any emotion is pointless, maybe nostalgia but i think even nostalgia has its benefits -- just not for me in particular lol. I think you have to sit with your regrets sometimes and listen to your regrets so that you don't repeat that mistake in the future. Just try not to carry regrets that don't belong to you ykwim. like if you got abused by a partner and you regret going into that relationship.. you didn't know what you were getting into. thats regret thats meant to be carried by the abuser, you know?
It may seem from my long winded rambling that im like, on something, so i should add now -- im nearly 2 and a half years clean. :) i think last time i was on tumblr i had recently moved back home from my sober home, the treatment i got there was a success pretty much! ive been sober since feb. 2023. I got my GED 2 weeks ago. I'm in the process of signing up for community college although ill probably wait til the spring 2026 semester and work a job in the meantime, im not sure. All this to say i am in recovery and i think ive gotten better, but what comes with that is guilt & shame for who i was. Sometimes i wonder if that will define me forever, especially since you can definitely find some cringe or terrible shit ive said on tumblr to this day & will probably be able to for..like.. ever. the internet is forever. I knew that, but that didn't cross my mind at the time, because i was not a good person. yes some of the outrageous stuff i said was trolling (or "ragebaiting" as the kids call it now) does that make it better? I really don't think so
hold on coughing up a loogie (i still smoke :() gonna write another post shortly
