My Personal Story - Phoenix - Pt. 2
The next expression or sign that I now look back on and realize that ‘aha’ thing, is when I was about 20 and was drawing while in a meditative state to music. I drew a picture of a naked woman looking up at the cosmos over head dancing, with her arms extended over her head and she had these enormous wings of fire. She was hovering above the entire planet Earth below as a globe.Â
It felt like my soul. I knew after I drew it, it was, even though, my father tore it down for being ‘naked’ when he saw it. -eye roll- He told me angels aren’t naked.
I realized then, I wasn’t an angel, whether or not the naked thing was true. He was right about one thing, my soul felt too raw and wild to be.
Now’s where my story gets interesting. It’s hard for me to write because my life takes two very different perspectives of development. 1. The deaths and rebirths that start to happen in my life (in a figurative, but very real devastating to rebirth states) 2. Literal signs of being drawn to Phoenix types of things such as fire.
I’ll do the more practical things first:
I start role playing as a dragon who follows all the symbolisms of Fire: passion, anger, transformation, sex, love, drive, power, etc, all things that I realize I can feel within my own self, just in not as grandiose a state. (I’m not a power hungry dragon. NOT to say all Dragons are, my character was) But the passion, the anger, the immense sense of perseverance to keep fighting and moving on and on and on no matter what stops me and how many times I have to start all over, again - YES. That my love consumes like fire in the purist of sense. That’s there’s something very raw about this fire within me.
I realize I’m very attracted to fire and things that are that color - gold, burnt orange, yellow, gold, browns, red. I love Autumn which I realize is the colors of fire.
I’m an Air Element and am drawn to dreams, the mystical, and the flying sense of freedom. Freedom is huge for me even in what I do for a job. I can’t be tied down or controlled, I need to be free like the wind and the stars overhead. I need to soar.
The Deaths and Rebirths. This is complicated, but very important to my Phoenix realization. I have completely restarted my entire life all over, again, now about six times literally in this life alone - some willingly- some painfully through horrible ‘deaths’ in my life. I left my parents to start a life brand new on the other side of the country with a man I married to be ‘free’ of their ‘weight’. A couple years later, he fell in love with another woman, and my entire life that I thought I had was destroyed and died. I started new. New home, again, new job, new beginning, new life I was going to have.
Met another man, and married him. Ended up extremely abusive physically and verbally. I had to escape this life, (literally) and start my entire life completely all over, again, and find out who I even was, again, due to him literally ‘tearing my soul down into ashes.’ I even said that. I told him (and this was before my phoenix realization) ‘You didn’t break my heart. You disintegrated my soul into ashes.’
Now, I was a single mother starting a new life, a new job, a new place to live, new hopes and ideas of who I was. But I rose.
I rose after dealing with more horrific abuse in the court systems that followed. I rose after my son was abused and I was ordered to return him to his father’s. I rose after my son later attempted suicide and I then I went to court and finally won my son the right to live where he wanted - now he lives solely with me.
I rose after my next romance ‘died,’ when I thought for sure this one was finally my real soul twin, and after we had plans to even move in together to start a life as one. When people keep walking away, and my life keeps getting destroyed over and over and over again, I DIE ... and yet, I STILL RISE. I continuously literally create myself new lives, even in this life.
(see pt 3. To be Continued.. )