Soul Of Fire

Phoenix-Kin Blog My Personal Story and What It Means To Be Phoenix-Kin All welcome except for hate. It will just be deleted and blocked. Inbox open for questions

[flamesoffire]

When you realized another thing that fits in along with being a large predatorial bird species: My favorite spots and places to be the most, are upstairs, wherever I am living, sitting by a window that over looks the trees and yard below. Not AT these things... over looking them from up high. I like looking down at them. It’s my peaceful place where I feel ‘home,’ which is fitting, because these large bird types nest up high in the cliffs of mountains or up high in trees, and do gaze down at the world.

[flamesoffire]

Signs and Confirmation

When I got home from doing some things, I decided to check the plants quick out back... and ended up doing some gardening a little and filled up the fish pond. I found some little black dots on the back of the dwarf citrus’ leaves I have, so I got a wet paper towel and wiped them off, and then kind of just sat there a bit thinking and taking in the garden and the sky. 

I closed my eyes for a bit and asked for a sign if I'm right on my journey with the phoenix things just to be sure sure. After a minute, I got up, and started cleaning up my stuff, when a huge hawk glided down right over my head and I'm like o.o ... my signnnnn.... and then to my surprise, ANOTHER huge soaring hawk swooped down and joined the first flying right over my garden and me .... and then .... ANOTHER. 3 HAWKS were flying right over my head, staying, just swooping over me and my garden for a few whole minutes and then finally, they just glided off with the wind over the houses and away.

I think I got my sign. ;)

[flamesoffire]

My Personal Story - Phoenix - Pt. 3

Now, that you have a feel for what my soul is like, back to some more practical shifter types of things. 

These past two years, while starting this new life after the ‘death’ of my last love, I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and drawing in of Dragon Energies to help guide me in my new transformation and my new life, since they are wonderful for transformation magic and healing, along with protection.

I now have two Dragons that I consider helpful protectors and friends in the astral plane. I also am a good friend with a Fae and have been really establishing real friendships with people who truly understand my pagan/mystical side and encourage my exploration of that. I’ve become really into really finding who and what this ‘me’ really is inside after all these years, instead of just looking into relationships and things outward from me that are supposed to ‘make a good life’. These have been the two years of actually exploring me, and my friends have been awesome with that.

Through this exploration with my closest friend, I started to wonder if I was perhaps a dragon or a Fae. I have close connections to both of them and Nature. But, again, these felt very close and similar but not quite right. Something was off still ... and then out of no where it hit me.

Phoenix.

And it all made sense. All of it. From the very beginning with the wings, the claws ... though realizing they are not claws like with paws, they are talons! They grip things and help me perch on chairs and counters (which is something I have always done, too, and didn’t realize the connection to that.) I thought tucking my feet up under me when I sat was a Fae-ish thing to do, but it’s also what birds do.

Dragons and Phoenixes are said to get along well as friends. When I did a meditation to try to astral shift into my true form (when I didn’t know what it was) I fell asleep, and woke up hours later throwing off my covers and running to the bathroom, because I was burning up so badly I was going to puke.

The feeling of glory and freedom and how good it feels when I stretch out my arms and feel the wind, connect with the sky, and feel those phantom sensations of wings and talons. The fire inside of me that burns and burns like a vivid literal energy of flame.

My passion, my transformations, my rebirthing every time I die.

I’m a Phoenix. I know it with all my heart.

[flamesoffire]

My Personal Story - Phoenix - Pt. 2

The next expression or sign that I now look back on and realize that ‘aha’ thing, is when I was about 20 and was drawing while in a meditative state to music. I drew a picture of a naked woman looking up at the cosmos over head dancing, with her arms extended over her head and she had these enormous wings of fire. She was hovering above the entire planet Earth below as a globe. 

It felt like my soul. I knew after I drew it, it was, even though, my father tore it down for being ‘naked’ when he saw it. -eye roll- He told me angels aren’t naked.

I realized then, I wasn’t an angel, whether or not the naked thing was true. He was right about one thing, my soul felt too raw and wild to be.

I wish I still had it.

Now’s where my story gets interesting. It’s hard for me to write because my life takes two very different perspectives of development. 1. The deaths and rebirths that start to happen in my life (in a figurative, but very real devastating to rebirth states) 2. Literal signs of being drawn to Phoenix types of things such as fire.

I’ll do the more practical things first:

I start role playing as a dragon who follows all the symbolisms of Fire: passion, anger, transformation, sex, love, drive, power, etc, all things that I realize I can feel within my own self, just in not as grandiose a state. (I’m not a power hungry dragon. NOT to say all Dragons are, my character was) But the passion, the anger, the immense sense of perseverance to keep fighting and moving on and on and on no matter what stops me and how many times I have to start all over, again - YES. That my love consumes like fire in the purist of sense. That’s there’s something very raw about this fire within me.

I realize I’m very attracted to fire and things that are that color - gold, burnt orange, yellow, gold, browns, red. I love Autumn which I realize is the colors of fire.

I’m an Air Element and am drawn to dreams, the mystical, and the flying sense of freedom. Freedom is huge for me even in what I do for a job. I can’t be tied down or controlled, I need to be free like the wind and the stars overhead. I need to soar.

The Deaths and Rebirths. This is complicated, but very important to my Phoenix realization. I have completely restarted my entire life all over, again, now about six times literally in this life alone - some willingly- some painfully through horrible ‘deaths’ in my life. I left my parents to start a life brand new on the other side of the country with a man I married to be ‘free’ of their ‘weight’. A couple years later, he fell in love with another woman, and my entire life that I thought I had was destroyed and died. I started new. New home, again, new job, new beginning, new life I was going to have.

Met another man, and married him. Ended up extremely abusive physically and verbally. I had to escape this life, (literally) and start my entire life completely all over, again, and find out who I even was, again, due to him literally ‘tearing my soul down into ashes.’ I even said that. I told him (and this was before my phoenix realization) ‘You didn’t break my heart. You disintegrated my soul into ashes.’

But I rose, again.

Now, I was a single mother starting a new life, a new job, a new place to live, new hopes and ideas of who I was. But I rose.

I rose after dealing with more horrific abuse in the court systems that followed. I rose after my son was abused and I was ordered to return him to his father’s. I rose after my son later attempted suicide and I then I went to court and finally won my son the right to live where he wanted - now he lives solely with me.

I am a fighter. I rise.

I rose after my next romance ‘died,’ when I thought for sure this one was finally my real soul twin, and after we had plans to even move in together to start a life as one. When people keep walking away, and my life keeps getting destroyed over and over and over again, I DIE ... and yet, I STILL RISE. I continuously literally create myself new lives, even in this life.

(see pt 3. To be Continued.. )

[flamesoffire]

My Personal Story - Phoenix - Pt. 1

Since I was a child, I’ve had this feeling that there was something different about me from other people, that there was always this deep power and drive of something inside me, and it wasn’t just a drive to pursue things. It wasn’t like that. It was like this bursting fire in my soul that wanted to burst out to the cosmos and to scream and rip into things or hold them with this overpowering pure sensation. To be honest, I was truly afraid of this feeling, and was terrified of what would I would see if I ever let it out, because with this ‘drive’ of power, I felt what I thought were claws at that time breaking through my fingers and this energy was so burning and wild, I buried it deep down in hopes that it wouldn’t immerge and no one would see.

But as a kid and a teen sometimes things would slip. 

While driving I would sometimes slip into a trance (not safe I know) where I would feel my human chest open up, and just this massive euphoria of burning energy would just extend out beyond my body. It felt like I had wings and for a while as teen a contemplated if I were really an angel that had been cast down from heaven for something I did. I was raised Catholic, so this was the first place my thoughts went.

I wanted to help people and even tried to with this extension of my energy and I found that it did work, but it also completely would drain me. People would take advantage of my energy and would start to use me. So, I stopped doing that as often, and became far more selective.

I realized that this worked for both good and bad things towards others, and after a scare where I might have actually made someone sick, I decided that it was not right to interfere in other people’s lives and that everyone has their own path to take. I don’t make those decisions.

Anyway... back on topic.

In my early 20′s I got very interested in lycanthropy as I was definitely feeling a pull toward this idea of there being another side to my soul or being. At the time, I was only really aware of the most common, which were werewolves, and all of that lore and tradition. I dove into it, and even thought for a bit that maybe that’s what I was, a wolf spirit in a human body. It matched the claws and tearing sensations I would get and this spirit in me definitely felt like a predator. My mind would shift into an almost scary darted focus of hunting sensation that coupled with the feeling of these long extended claws made me wonder - wolf?

But something about that also didn’t feel right. It was ‘off’. I love wolves, but it just wasn’t really me.

(to be continued for posting length - see part 2)

[kononeko]

By phoenix

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[gingerspice21]