Flaminghao

Irrationally sad public diary I hope no one finds 🧡

[flamingha0]

I usually don’t live in the future or past. I am always in the present. Therefore, I don’t have any goals and I only look back at embarrassing things that have happened to me.

There is one goal I have in mind right now and that is to get close with God. He’s always been the backbone, but sometimes I don’t feel that because I am so distracted with worldly things. I want him in the center. I know that will help me out of the frequent waves of sadness and loneliness I experience.

I just want to document on here because I post my feeling on here a lot when I feel bad. Hopefully, I’ll write it out more in depth in my journal tomorrow morning.

The power of the Holy Trinity is so crazy that some people don’t even believe it to be true because that’s how ridiculous it sounds. I want to experience its love and make it my life style ❤️

I’ll probably still post my feelings on here, but I hope the frequency decreases with this journey and one day I can look back at laugh at how crazy God’s power is.

[flamingha0]

Sometimes I wish I was the first pick. I see other people make friends so easily. Able to attract others so easily…why can’t I make any friends? ANYWHERE? Church, job, ….? I want to be laughing with a friend. Talk about life freely with a friend. When I leave I feel like I was never nothing.

[flamingha0]

I still love love love him

[flamingha0]

It’s okay to let a “good” thing end </3

[flamingha0]

I first I was numb to the situation, but slowly I’m feeling it more and more. Can’t even say “my baby” anymore.

This too shall pass they say

[flamingha0]

Just feels like a part of me has been ripped away. We didn’t even make it to July 1st…our anniversary. If it’s not meant to be, that’a okay. Just a long time to spend with someone then act like you’re okay away from them. It’s going to take me a minute to move on. I keep wanting to share my emotions with him. I did tell him I loved him on last time because I was feeling it so heavily. He just said “me too” kind of reminded me of why this had to happened. I don’t think I’m stable enough. He did say “it can always reverse”, but if he broke up with me first this second time (well…I did the first time) it must have been weighing heavy on him. It upset me most that he didn’t say anything until I brought the situation “of losing momentum in the relationship” up. Makes me sad that he didn’t feel comfortable sharing after all this time. We probably still would be together if I didn’t say anything. He would have just been there against his will. I don’t blame him for not wanting to hurt me, but either way, it hurts. To then think of him with someone else in the future and the fact that I’m no longer his. This sucks.

Ship has officially SANK

[flamingha0]

I zone out so much thinking about him these days. I thought he was going to be my one and done. My forever. Maybe in another universe or down the line. I’m just acting in obedience right now.

[flamingha0]

For the first time, today, I had to call him my “ex” in conversation. I might spiral. Ah, that hurt…The hesitation too :/

[tall]

[dragongirlsnout]

The spirit is weak the flesh is weak and me also I feel not so willing

[flamingha0]

Why must I have a fearful avoidant attachment style?

I’m so afraid to hurt others, or that I’ll end up hurt

So I just stand from a distance and yearn

Could this be a missed opportunity ?

[iiloveoldermenn]

i can’t win

[flamingha0]

A boy told me he was interested in me. At first, I didn’t like him. Not sure if it was physical attraction or because he was a stranger, but I didn’t like him. The more I began to text him my feelings started to sway. Not sure if it’s from getting to know him a little bit more or the way he would compliment me that made me fond of him. He would use words like “cool”, “lovely”, “pretty”, “unique”, and “genuine” to describe me. I didn’t get any lustful feeling while talking to him which is a vibe I have yet to not feel from a man.

I made sure to guard my heart though because he claims “I haven’t been to church in so long” and “I have to get more serious with my faith now that I am older”.

I applaud him for recognizing that it’s time, but is it because of me? Or would he do it because he truly wants a relationship with God? I’ve been warned by of “unequally yolked relationships”. So I deactivated my account on Instagram for a little bit for one of many reasons. I am afraid to catch feelings for the wrong person esp as a person who just wants to date one person and marry.

I’m so glad that I have a Father that is honest with me though. God revealed to me that I’m not all that either. I lie in my bed 24/7 with no drive to do anything. I claim to want a man deeply rooted in Christ that will help me grow, but I can’t even help myself. I claim I want a man who prays and reads his bible every day, but I go days with opening the word and forget to talk to God throughout the day. I ignore the Holy Spirit. My thoughts easily turn to love stful thoughts. I am a whole contradiction.

Without Jesus, I couldn’t even resemble righteousness. I should give the boy grace and time. We’re not that different. His music choice is vulgar, but up until last year my music choices were vulgar as well.

His eyes and lips are also very pretty. He text very gently.

I pray that while I am away he either learns to unlike me — I’m not very deserving of love or learn dependency on God.

[orkyydorky]

this too shall pass

[orkyydorky]

HURRY UP

[flamingha0]

I haven’t felt like harming since January. The feeling have subsided a little bit, but I still feel like trash.

[flamingha0]

April was a pretty good month. I felt close to God. I didn’t have any insecure thoughts or feel unloved or unworthy of love. I didn’t feel shame nor guilt. I accepted myself easily when I did make a mistake. I didn’t have a crush on anyone. I felt like God freed me from my current crush that I would constantly fixate my thoughts on. I didn’t have any lustful thoughts. Easter was great. I didn’t let the past affect me.

We are in May now and all the sudden I feel like hurting myself. I need to feel something other than a waste of space. I feel like I am not pursuing my purpose or walking in it. I feel far from God. It’s crazy because He is not the one who moved. The switch was just so sudden it’s throwing me off. I’m experiencing feelings of worthlessness and “why would anyone even want to be my friend anyways”. “This person doesn’t deserve to talk to me” — looking out for them. The fire within me has diminished. The feeling for that crush which are not real (complex) are coming back by the force of my thoughts. I am feeling bad about where I am in my career — no longer in the ICU. I can’t even see myself reaching my future aspirations. I feel like I am experiencing prayerlessness. I stay in my bed. Don’t want to read the Bible.

That is exactly where the enemy wants you Mary. You will not stay in such a place. God had already given you the victory.

Pray when you don’t want to pray.

[flamingha0]

Honestly, I feel bad for people who have to interact with me. It took me a long time to realize this, but truly…this is why I think I’m better alone because I think I am a burden to others.