Flaminghao

Irrationally sad public diary I hope no one finds 🧡

[flamingha0]

I usually don’t live in the future or past. I am always in the present. Therefore, I don’t have any goals and I only look back at embarrassing things that have happened to me.

There is one goal I have in mind right now and that is to get close with God. He’s always been the backbone, but sometimes I don’t feel that because I am so distracted with worldly things. I want him in the center. I know that will help me out of the frequent waves of sadness and loneliness I experience.

I just want to document on here because I post my feeling on here a lot when I feel bad. Hopefully, I’ll write it out more in depth in my journal tomorrow morning.

The power of the Holy Trinity is so crazy that some people don’t even believe it to be true because that’s how ridiculous it sounds. I want to experience its love and make it my life style ❤️

I’ll probably still post my feelings on here, but I hope the frequency decreases with this journey and one day I can look back at laugh at how crazy God’s power is.

[tall]

[dragongirlsnout]

The spirit is weak the flesh is weak and me also I feel not so willing

[flamingha0]

Why must I have a fearful avoidant attachment style?

I’m so afraid to hurt others, or that I’ll end up hurt

So I just stand from a distance and yearn

Could this be a missed opportunity ?

[iiloveoldermenn]

i can’t win

[flamingha0]

A boy told me he was interested in me. At first, I didn’t like him. Not sure if it was physical attraction or because he was a stranger, but I didn’t like him. The more I began to text him my feelings started to sway. Not sure if it’s from getting to know him a little bit more or the way he would compliment me that made me fond of him. He would use words like “cool”, “lovely”, “pretty”, “unique”, and “genuine” to describe me. I didn’t get any lustful feeling while talking to him which is a vibe I have yet to not feel from a man.

I made sure to guard my heart though because he claims “I haven’t been to church in so long” and “I have to get more serious with my faith now that I am older”.

I applaud him for recognizing that it’s time, but is it because of me? Or would he do it because he truly wants a relationship with God? I’ve been warned by of “unequally yolked relationships”. So I deactivated my account on Instagram for a little bit for one of many reasons. I am afraid to catch feelings for the wrong person esp as a person who just wants to date one person and marry.

I’m so glad that I have a Father that is honest with me though. God revealed to me that I’m not all that either. I lie in my bed 24/7 with no drive to do anything. I claim to want a man deeply rooted in Christ that will help me grow, but I can’t even help myself. I claim I want a man who prays and reads his bible every day, but I go days with opening the word and forget to talk to God throughout the day. I ignore the Holy Spirit. My thoughts easily turn to love stful thoughts. I am a whole contradiction.

Without Jesus, I couldn’t even resemble righteousness. I should give the boy grace and time. We’re not that different. His music choice is vulgar, but up until last year my music choices were vulgar as well.

His eyes and lips are also very pretty. He text very gently.

I pray that while I am away he either learns to unlike me — I’m not very deserving of love or learn dependency on God.

[orkyydorky]

this too shall pass

[orkyydorky]

HURRY UP

[flamingha0]

I haven’t felt like harming since January. The feeling have subsided a little bit, but I still feel like trash.

[flamingha0]

April was a pretty good month. I felt close to God. I didn’t have any insecure thoughts or feel unloved or unworthy of love. I didn’t feel shame nor guilt. I accepted myself easily when I did make a mistake. I didn’t have a crush on anyone. I felt like God freed me from my current crush that I would constantly fixate my thoughts on. I didn’t have any lustful thoughts. Easter was great. I didn’t let the past affect me.

We are in May now and all the sudden I feel like hurting myself. I need to feel something other than a waste of space. I feel like I am not pursuing my purpose or walking in it. I feel far from God. It’s crazy because He is not the one who moved. The switch was just so sudden it’s throwing me off. I’m experiencing feelings of worthlessness and “why would anyone even want to be my friend anyways”. “This person doesn’t deserve to talk to me” — looking out for them. The fire within me has diminished. The feeling for that crush which are not real (complex) are coming back by the force of my thoughts. I am feeling bad about where I am in my career — no longer in the ICU. I can’t even see myself reaching my future aspirations. I feel like I am experiencing prayerlessness. I stay in my bed. Don’t want to read the Bible.

That is exactly where the enemy wants you Mary. You will not stay in such a place. God had already given you the victory.

Pray when you don’t want to pray.

[flamingha0]

Honestly, I feel bad for people who have to interact with me. It took me a long time to realize this, but truly…this is why I think I’m better alone because I think I am a burden to others.

[flamingha0]

I always say I’m better alone, but the truth is I only say that bc I don’t think anyone likes me. If they do I’m not even sure why they would. I feel like it’s better off for them not to know me. My self esteem is at rock bottom. How did I come to have such issue? I’m watching a video “Embarrassment is the thief of opportunity” on Saved not Soft by Emy Moore and it made me realize so much.

- I feel unworthy of love

- I’m afraid of a lot, so I keep hidden

- Even w the small things God trust me with, I don’t utilize them to full ability bc of embarrassment which leads to him giving to opportunity to others

- although I truly believe in the word of God, I really don’t deep inside trust his word. There is unbelief of his promises

[flamingha0]

So bummed, I lost my appetite. Couldn’t even eat my lunch

[flamingha0]

I keep trying not be sad/upset, it I can’t help it. I feel so bad about it. God has blessed me with a new job w/ the same pay as the other job I had. In the end, as much as I try to look forward bc I know this is all for me good. I feel like a failure. Flashbacks keeps playing in my head of what happened on the other floor. Why couldn’t I do better? I left facilities to advance myself, but I ended up going backwards. There is a deep emotional pain in my chest. I feel like a burden. Mind you, God has already spoken to me about why this has happened (He has a really good point and is actually setting me up for success), but I just feel like a failure. I miss my old ICU and as I think this the story of Sodom and Gomorrah pops into my head. I can’t go back. I need to suck it up.

Then I get sad about not having a group of Godly friends to talk freely to. I already have great friends, but I want friends who 100% believe in the word of God and can offer advice. I feel like I am missing out. On top of that, Valentine’s Day just passed and I’m convinced I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. It’s just cycles of wanting to hurt myself.

[flamingha0]

I can deal with loneliness, but feeling lonely while you’re in a group of people is the worst type of loneliness.

Something I never want to feel again although it happens often

That’s why I avoid many out-goings because I’d rather be by myself than feel lost with a crowd, but at the same time I always wonder if I missed out on an opportunity.

[flamingha0]

Come to find out I’m actually useless.

- I can’t commit to anything

- don’t know how to do anything

- a shy mf

- lazy

- no desire to do anything

- all I do is sleep and eat

[flamingha0]

I feel so sad right now at work as well as anxious. I just want to ball up in my bed under my covers and cry my eyes out. Mind you I’m not sure why I am even sad right now. I think I’m over thinking my work situation. Some of these patients just annoy me which is so not me. Even if they do annoy me, I just brush it off. Maybe it’s because I’ve had this patient for a month straight and I’m working with men idk, but it all sounds ridiculous. I just want to cry.

Here I am again telling Tumblr my feelings first instead of telling God. I’m sorry

[flamingha0]

I feel like I just don’t deserve love. Romantically nor relationally. Sometimes I observe my life and justify why I always feel alone or excluded/secluded it’s because I genuinely feel like I don’t deserve love. The only LOVE I can’t avoid is that of God’s because like it or not he will continue to pour love into me when I feel lowest of lows.