Romantic relationships. It’s something that does run my mind pretty often, but I don’t like to admit it. I wouldn’t call myself a hopeless romantic because I do, well, I want to believe that I will end up with someone later. The right one. It’s not like I crave being in a relationship, I’m not searching for it. I just feel like I’ll never be in one because I’m not capable. At least right now. Relationships are a lot of work, and it really isn’t something I want at this point in my life. It’s just the thought of how much excitement I would have if I was seriously romantically involved with someone. Not the flings, not the people I talk to conveniently. But someone I’m actually invested in. But I know it’s not ideal for me right now. I’m thinking of the sweet stuff that comes with relationships. The butterflies, the pillow talking, the late nights, the adventures I get to share, the moments spent in bed with someone. I’m far from being capable of managing a relationship. I know I’m not ready. I’m mentally unstable. There’s a lot of fixing I have to do with myself before I can add a significant other in my life. I need to find a better, effective way to cope with my anxiety and depression. I need to get my life together first. They say your significant other can complete you and help you grow and be better. I don’t believe anyone can complete you. I think that’s something you have to do on your own. In a relationship, I always thought you should still maintain your independence. But I do believe a significant other can help you grow. But right now, the growing I need is something I have to achieve alone. I’m trying to learn to believe and love myself as much as I convince myself that I do. I don’t want to ever have a significant other fix me. I need to fix myself, by myself. But another thing I think of is how I don’t know how anyone can ever want to be or stay with someone as mentally unstable as I am. People have shown interest in me, but I don’t see it as anything but them only liking the idea of me because I’ve never let them in to the point where they can think they like me. I haven’t let anyone in that far yet because I knew they weren’t worth knowing the deeper parts of who I am. There’s a huge difference with truly liking someone and just having a crush/liking the idea of me. That’s why I never seemed to entertain the people that have showed interest, but also because I never showed interest in them either. I do have high expectations in what I want in a significant other. I mean, it’s not bad to know what I want and need in them. I need someone who will understand that independence is essential to our relationship. I feel like at my state right now, I would probably be needy. But when I’m ready, I would hope that I’m so strong minded and that I still maintain being independent while still in a relationship and also be okay with him doing his own thing. I need my significant other to love all parts of me, not just some. Not the parts that he desires, but everything that I am. The mistakes, the failures, the flaws. He needs to love the stories of my heart to the stories of my scars. I need my significant other to be there when he needs to be. I never want to be the clingy girlfriend who needs him by my side every time. I hate seeing relationships like that. But with my depression and anxiety, I need him to accept and love that part of me and understand that I will have my days. It’s a choice to love me through all that, I’ll never ask or force him to love me when he doesn’t want to because he thinks I’m difficult. I don’t need that. But then again, I never want to establish an official relationship until he knows most of me - especially this part of me - and until I know most of him. This comes off as extremely high expectations, but knowing someone isn’t enough anymore. I’ve learned that in the past. I didn’t know much about my previous significant other, and when I look back at it, we never established the foundation we needed to build our relationship on. It was rooted in attraction and liking the idea of this person. Same goes for how that person felt. I never want to make that mistake again, only knowing so little and getting into a relationship with them. I can’t get with someone who hasn’t even dug deep into my soul, just as much as I haven’t dug deep into his. I’m not saying he needs to love me when we finally put a title, I’m saying he can’t only discover the surface and want to invest in me. He only likes the idea of me if he hasn’t dug deeper. At the same time, I don’t want to reveal everything about myself before we establish an official title in our relationship because we should still be learning about each other while in the relationship. But just enough for him to know that I am flawed. Because if he wants to discover more about me even with all my flaws, then I’ll know that he might be capable of loving me despite the things I’ve told him. Being in a relationship is always a risk to take. You’re not supposed to put your happiness in someone’s hands but somehow it ends up being that way. It happens after being too comfortable with them, and when it ends, it’s bad. I do have many fears in being in a relationship because I don’t want to be left broken when I’ve worked so hard to finally be whole by myself. I never want to have to experience that again. Before I get into a relationship, I would hope that I have toughened my skin to withstand the pain that I may have while and out of the relationship. I want to be so strong that I can walk away from someone who isn’t helping me grow. I want to be so strong that I can leave with no hesitation when our relationship no longer works or benefits me. I want to be so strong that I can leave and not contemplate if I still want to make our relationship work if he cheats on me or chooses another woman. I want to be so strong that I will never have to feel like I lost a part of me if we don’t work out because in the beginning I would know that he could never be a part of me. He can only complement me.
