iyah

Her museum of thoughts and memories.

[fleurdemaia]

Memoir 006

Mom went home today.

Finally.

I have been living alone since 2021. When the pandemic happened the year prior, my mom lost her job for a couple of months. We had no choice but to ask for financial support from friends and relatives and to find any job that would keep us from starving. It was tough, really.

In 2021, my mom decided to change careers, going from a massage therapist to a caregiver. The shift was so sudden; I can still remember how awful I felt when she told me that she would be leaving the house and not coming home for a while since she would be staying at her patient's house.

I remember crying while doing laundry, washing dishes, and doing all the chores. It was a time when I realized that I would be doing all these things by myself now.

And now, I have been doing it for three years.

I'm not sure if it's supposed to be this serious, or if I'm just too emotional or overwhelmed. But living alone for three years took a toll on my mental health. It was so bad that I would just cry because I felt like I had no choice but to keep going.

During those three years, she would come home for a week-long day off each month, but it didn't always happen. There was a time when she didn't come home for six months straight. I remember talking to her on a video call, saying that I wanted her to come home because it was all too much for me.

This is all too much.

Today, she resigned from her job. She was supposed to resign in September this year, after I graduated from college. But I don't think I can still handle it.

When I was doing my OJT, I remember being so tired from work that I would leave the house a mess. Piled-up laundry, dirty dishes in the sink, and hell, I couldn't even take care of my cat anymore.

This June, I will start my internship again at the same office, and I will be there for six months. If Mom hadn't come home, I would probably continue living the same messy life. I thought to myself, "I can't keep living like this."

So, I told her.

That everything was too much for me.

And I don't want to live by myself again.

[fleurdemaia]

Memoir 005

Since I'm done completing my 600 hours of internship duty, I can finally share this with you (if anyone's actually reading this lol).

Long story short, it wasn't easy. I began my internship around February, and honestly, I struggled to adjust. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells.

Fortunately, I made friends with other interns, though it took some time for me to feel really comfortable with them. Still, they made my internship period a little less lonely. (If you’re one of my intern friends reading this, thank you 🤍)

I won't sugarcoat it; being the only intern in our division put a lot of pressure on me. I felt overwhelmed to the point where I wasn't sure if I was still doing things right.

By April, I was starting to feel it. I felt lazy going to work and lacked motivation. I remember sighing a lot because the month seemed to drag on. But there wasn't much I could do about it.

As soon as May started, I started feeling lively again because it was my last month. I began counting down the days since I was excited to finish. Throughout the month, I started to appreciate my work more. It was still tiring, of course, but I felt a lot better than I had in the past few months. It was as if I had reached a point where I accepted everything and just lived through it.

But really, I'm truly grateful to have found this agency. I remember feeling so anxious back in February, worrying about where I would do my internship. That period really humbled me, and I ended up messaging any government agency that came to mind.

To my assigned division, thank you for giving me experiences that I will carry with me always. Spending my internship with you made me realize my strengths and weaknesses, as there were people constantly giving me feedback.

To my intern friends, I love you guys. Really. Thank you for reaching out to me so I wouldn't feel lonely. I'm so glad I met all of you.

♡

Note: I don't know why I'm writing this like a farewell letter when I'll be back as an intern again in June 😭. The next time I write an internship update will be six months from now, so... good luck to me, I guess?

[fleurdemaia]

Beyond the Headlines: Thoughts about the PUV Modernization Program

The Philippine government is going to be the death of this country.

Saying that this country has been fucked up ever since the new president got elected is an understatement but wow, we are really moving backwards.

Today is December 29, 2023, just two days before they're supposed to phase out the jeepneys. Thousands of drivers and millions of commuters are about to be greatly affected.

The new and improved jeepneys cost 1.4 million to 3 million pesos. That's a huge amount of money, especially for drivers who are already struggling. This move is going to push a ton of hardworking people out of their jobs, making the tough situation in our country even worse.

I strongly disagree with the idea of getting rid of the traditional jeepneys. It just doesn't sit well with me.

It seems like the decision-makers who are involved aren't taking into account the everyday challenges that people like us face. The plan to phase out jeepneys is putting an extra burden on drivers and the countless commuters who rely on these vehicles daily.

I can't shake off the feeling that instead of making things better, this decision might just create more issues for everyone involved. The government needs to reconsider and come up with a plan that doesn't make life so much harder for regular people. We deserve solutions that address our needs and concerns without causing unnecessary hardships.

I strongly believe that there has to be a better way, and it's crucial for those in charge to listen to the voices of the people who will be most affected by this decision.

In conclusion, no to jeepney phaseout!

[fleurdemaia]

Memoir 004

Today is a special day for me, and I'm writing this to preserve the memory and have something to look back on, to remember the thoughts and feelings I have today.

It's the day when the results of the civil service exam were released. I took the exam last August 20, 2023, and I've been eagerly awaiting this day.

Honestly, if you were to ask, the preparation for the exam wasn't easy, and I felt a lot of pressure because I felt the need to excel in every subject that might appear in the exam.

My weakest point was mathematics, so I spent extra time reviewing it, making lists of formulas that might be helpful. I watched many online videos, listened, and tried practice quizzes and exams that were available.

On August 20, 2023, the day of the exam, I was quite nervous because I didn't know what to expect, and I was afraid that all my study and review sessions would be in vain. I didn't get any sleep the night before, as I was too anxious about how it would go.

After completing the exam, I wondered if I was satisfied with my answers. To be honest, I wasn't very confident. The exam itself wasn't that hard, but many parts were quite tricky, and I had doubts throughout.

In the months that followed, I was already mentally preparing myself for the possibility of failing. Not because I'm a pessimist (well, maybe a little), but because I truly lacked confidence. And today, the results were released. I'm proud to say that I passed the exam! I'm overjoyed, and I can't believe my eyes when I saw my name on the website.

(I don't know how to write conclusions anymore, just know that I'm really happy and thrilled.)

[fleurdemaia]

Memoir 003

I used to be an honor student during my earlier years in school, and one of my goals was to rank 1st in our class since I had always been in 2nd place.

When I was in 9th grade, I was placed in the last section, and during that time, I remember feeling down because I thought to myself, 'Am I not intelligent enough to be in a higher section again?' Worries washed over me at that time. But surprisingly, being in the last section motivated me even more to become the top-ranked student. So, I worked and studied hard.

After the school year was over, it was finally time to reveal the top 10 students in our class, and to my surprise, I had finally achieved the 1st rank! It felt good, and I was extremely proud. I felt shy and proud when my classmates cheered for me.

Looking back, I am proud of myself for doing great. Thank you for not giving up.

[fleurdemaia]

Barely Penned

I don't know what's up, but tonight, as I was writing this, I had a realization. Well, maybe 'realization' isn't quite the right word, as I've pondered this before. However, tonight, it just happened to cross my mind again.

Our time here on Earth is short. Yes, everyone is aware of this. Now what?

If you were to ask me how I feel about it, I'd say it's a mix of sadness and comfort, if that makes sense.

The world we inhabit is far from perfect. We, as individuals, are also far from perfect. Everything can slip away in the blink of an eye, often without us even realizing it. Given this imperfection, isn't it somewhat reassuring that our time on Earth is limited? After all, we don't have to endure the challenges of an imperfect world forever, where nothing is certain.

So, you might wonder why I'm writing this. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. I was simply working on my school assignment when this thought popped into my head, and I felt compelled to jot it down here. So, I did.

In the end, perhaps the beauty of our impermanent existence lies in the way it encourages us to savor every moment, to cherish the fleeting joys, and to find meaning in the midst of uncertainty. It's a reminder that our time is a precious gift, and how we choose to spend it can shape our own little corner of this imperfect world. So, let's continue to ponder life's mysteries, and strive to leave a positive mark, however fleeting it may be.

[fleurdemaia]

Journal 002

Prompt: If you were able to go back in time and talk to your younger self, what would you say? 

I would definitely say the most obvious thing if I could talk to my younger self.

Do not rush to grow up!

When I was a child, I always thought that adults were cool and responsible. It fascinated me how everyone appeared to be mature, as if they were always self-aware and disciplined.

I can still recall how excited I used to be about high school or even college when I was in elementary school – I was eager, maybe even rushing, to grow older.

I used to daydream a lot about growing up, but now that I've actually reached that stage, I suddenly find myself longing to go back to being a kid.

Life back then was much easier than it is today. There was no stress, and I could play whenever I wanted. However, I can't do that now because I have a lot of responsibilities to carry.

If we think about it, humans grow up so fast, and time flies so quickly, often without us even noticing. As we mature, the burdens of stress and responsibilities also grow.

While it's normal for these changes to occur, upon reflection, I now wish I hadn't rushed to grow up. Instead, I should have cherished my time as a carefree kid, with no worries about the future.

I realize that the simplicity of those days was a true blessing, a gift that I didn't fully appreciate at the time.

So, as I navigate this grown-up world, I'll strive to carry a piece of that childhood wonder with me, savoring the beauty of life's simple pleasures amidst the complexities of adulthood.

[fleurdemaia]

Memoir 002

In 2015, I had a memorable encounter with a stranger that left a lasting impression on me.

It was a typical school day when one of my friends told us to visit an old woman in the neighborhood. I was initially confused because I thought it was sudden, but when she told us that the old woman can't walk and lived alone in her house, I knew I had to go and visit.

After school, we decided to go for it and bought food so she could eat. Our friend told us that since she's unable to walk, she can't buy food herself, and only relies on the people passing her house, or maybe her neighbors.

We entered her house and saw her sitting in a chair, sewing a piece of cloth. She appeared to be around 60 years old at that time, if I remember correctly. The friend who accompanied us introduced us to her, and she greeted us with the warmest smile. We introduced ourselves one by one, and then we gave her the food we had bought for her to have during the afternoon and for dinner.

It was our first meeting, and yet, it warmed my heart to be able to help someone. Despite her challenging situation, I deeply admired her resilience as she shared her life story with us.

Something in my heart was touched, and in that moment, I knew this wouldn't be the last time I would visit her.

—

The next day, my friends and I went to her house again. We bought her food and stayed there for at least 30 minutes, talking about our day in school or anything that came to mind. Visiting her had become a routine, although it didn't always happen every day, especially if we were too busy with school or simply tired.

But one thing's for sure—Lola had become a significant part of my sophomore year in high school. I cherished all the memories and laughter we shared, along with my friends who joined me.

♡

Lola, wherever you are right now, I hope you're well and happy. The next time we see each other, I'll make sure to bring all the foods you've ever wanted to eat.

[fleurdemaia]

Memoir 001

I recall being terrified of mascots as a little kid. One of the recollections I can recall is that someone had a birthday celebration, but I can't remember who it was for. The host told us that the mascot would be arriving soon as we were contentedly enjoying our meal. My mom knew I was afraid of them because she was around me at the time. The mascot eventually entered the hall after a brief delay to the applause and cheers of everyone there.

Yet, for me, it was different.

I hid under the table and started sobbing when the mascot went by our table. I seem to remember that I was creating a scene, and looking back on it now was embarrassing. My mom even encouraged me to try getting over my fear and approach the mascot, but I resisted so hard.

Obviously, I don't fear them anymore at the moment.

I read an article as to why kids are scared of mascots as I was writing this. It claims that because they are unable to distinguish between fiction and reality, children may become afraid of people who are costumed or wearing masks.

And these situations are normal.

I would have been thankful if I had known this when I was younger. While the other children were having a great time, some of them were even hugging the mascot, I recall being the only one among them who was scared. I mistakenly believed that I was being odd or a party pooper.

It turns out that being afraid of mascots as a child was entirely normal.

[fleurdemaia]

Journal 001

Prompt: What would your dream life look like?

As I naturally strive for perfection, my ideal life was too idealistic. I would want to be a persistent individual with a good mentality. I say this because whenever I get the chance, I constantly consider the worst-case scenarios. Being a resilient person allows me to persevere through any challenges I face.  

Every day, I wanted to be productive. I despise being lazy, but I also enjoy doing nothing. This is one of my least favorite characteristics. I kept putting things off, which is why I never finished anything and always ended up delaying. My ideal self desired to be able to overcome apathy.

Yet, to be honest, no matter how much you want to be active, there will always be times when you want to do nothing, and I think that's just fine. 

In terms of my aspirations for the future, I hoped to have an excellent, secure career after I finished college. I think I had an overly ambitious outlook on life, and I truly wanted to succeed in everything. I've always pictured myself as a working professional who can take care of my family's needs without having to worry. 

"Ikaw ang pag-asa ng bayan", as my mother would often remind me, is true. I stand as the beacon of hope. Although we have never been truly poor, we have always had financial difficulties and have been paying off loans left and right. I wanted us to be financially secure and able to live comfortably at last. That, I believe, is what inspires me most at the moment. I wanted to be able to save money, take my Mom out to a nice restaurant, or go on vacation.

As I write this, I am currently a junior in college. After finishing my studies, I felt like I had made progress toward living the life of my dreams.

I hoped, as always, that I would never tire of pursuing it.