thegoodthebadthebeautiful @flickeredsilence - Tumblr Blog

Sat at church three nights before Easter imagining my dad sitting next to me holding my hand. I miss him.

#grief #loss of a parent #alzheimers #eldercare #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia

Life has been so good and happy but I just panicked for a minute because I realized I forgot sooooo much of the last few years with my dad. I’m scrambling to recall even the worst memories that my brain is probably trying to sweep under the carpet to keep me happy and in the moment. Weirdly enough, I am nostalgic for the bone crushing grief. Like missing an ultra tight hug.

#grief #loss of a parent #alzheimers #eldercare #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia

soul-from-another-era

Visited my dad in the cemetery the other day for the first time alone. It was dusk and a bit chilly. I talked to him and the grandparents I never got to meet. It was really nice. I miss him.

#grief #loss of a parent #alzheimers #eldercare #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia

One of the biggest emotional adjustments I’ve had to make to move on and away from caregiving is my emotional bracing. In 2020, I realized as bad as my dad’s condition already was, it was going to get much, much worse. It was going to take literally everything out of all of us. So I started to brace myself. I did it more and more as things got worse, and it helped me be less affected by the progression of the disease. It consisted of me numbing myself and freezing the emotional parts of me that I couldn’t build walls to protect. It was like I was putting myself into an emotional hibernation. I don’t even know if that makes sense. Anyways, now I don’t need it anymore. In fact, I’m in a relationship that pushes me to defrost these parts of myself that I froze like five years ago. It feels uncomfortable but I know I have to do it, and that I’ll be better for it. My partner is especially good at holding space for me when I do the defrosting which makes the whole process so much easier. I am so grateful for him.

It’s so strange that I don’t have to worry about things getting worse anymore. That things are actually getting better! It almost scares me because I’ve made a comfort zone out of a really negative place but I’m working on getting out of that too!

#grief #loss of a parent #eldercare #alzheimers #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia

my family giving me a hard time throughout the worst time in my life made me isolate myself even more than I already was. Is it too much to ask to have people love you through grief?

#grief #loss of a parent #alzheimers #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief

Things have been so good, but there’s been a feeling bubbling under the surface recently. I’d experience it in passing, and try to trace it if I had the time, but it would slip away before I could figure out its source. Finally, laying here in bed at 1am, I think I’m starting to figure it out. I think it’s the effect that the grief had on my self esteem. I’ve been in a new relationship and something feels like it keeps trying to drag me down. It’s the nagging feeling that my grief has made me strange and undesirable. I can’t understand what makes him so sure he wants to be with me. Can’t you see that I’m damaged?

#grief #loss of a parent #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief

Been really missing him recently. Life is starting to pick up again and I wish he could be here to experience it with me. I’m beginning to realize that I’m going to experience so much without him going forward.

#grief #eldercare #loss of a parent #alzheimers #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia

I think I found a love that makes the grief feel less earth shattering

#grief #loss of a parent #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #love

My grief is the plate tectonics that float on the magma of my subconscious. Constantly shifting in response to what’s boiling under the surface.

#grief #eldercare #loss of a parent #alzheimers #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia

I often reflect on the days that passed right after the death of my dad. I remember sitting on my bed so struck by how monotonous death is. For most people it was just another Thursday, but that Thursday in particular happened to be my father’s last day on Earth.

How wild.

#grief #eldercare #loss of a parent #alzheimers #loss of a loved one #loss #dealing with grief #dementia #tw death

I used to use dating apps for validation and connection. Some days it was one of my only relief from the isolation. I was these apps worst genre of customer, accumulating hundreds of matches. I used to talk to some of them, but I eventually stopped. After a while, the whole song and dance stopped being fun and started filling me with such an intense feeling of dread. I deleted them all for about six months until last night when I redownloaded bumble, and today, hinge. Ive come to the conclusion that I don’t want to meet my person on an app. Any sort of app.

Franz Kafka, 1912

Me to myself

angel-kitten-babygirl-u-choose

Already and Only

This was said to me by a widow friend. When I lost my brother a little over 4 years ago on the anniversary of losing him she said this to me. It was profound for me. It’s already been 4 years and it’s only been 4 years. It still feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. It still hurts like hell. There are days it hurts more. There are days it hurts even more. The less has yet to happen. I think that’s the lie we tell ourselves… it will eventually hurt less.

It will always hurt more, the vessel that holds the hurt just gets bigger and more capable.

flickeredsilence

Tomorrow we’re having his six month memorial at my church. The grief has completely petrified my insides. I don’t know how I am going to do it.

flickeredsilence

Somehow, I did it.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

thegoodthebadthebeautiful