Rule

20, James (pseudonym), things I'm too embarassed to say out loud

[floaterdaily]

It is very frustrating to not be ‘enough’ for somebody. When they make you happy with so little and a lot of what makes your life great and beautiful is them, it sucks not to be enough to take anything that upsets them away. Nobody’s going to be great at solving everything and nobody’s gonna be a solution for everyone. But still one will desire to be that person for the one they love. And it hurts to know you are not or cannot

23 Feb ‘19

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

“You will soften and harden for me.”

— Connie Bensley, from The Selected Poems of Connie Bensley; “Cookery,”

[floaterdaily]

18 Feb 19’

I will I will. I will snatch the horizon and string it into a necklace for you. For that thin quivering line - imagine the sunset-, that is nature’s perfection, belongs as equally on your long exposed neck. So good for drawing a finger down into sweetness and heat. Your life pulses delicately in your throat and I must be gentle somewhat, which makes me wild with wanting to push you against something hard or something hard against you

/it is the morning after a night at your place. Every tumblr quote is about you. I think of my other who is away/

[onetwofeb]

Ursula K. Le Guin’s writing routine

[floaterdaily]

Stalwart

You soothe me through my layers. You weren’t even trying to and that’s why I trust you. It worked. I am calm now,  infinitely lucky and I have work to do on myself

[floaterdaily]

11.2.19

It is the hardest when you feel like crying or there’s something on your mind that’s very difficult to understand even to yourself, and you don’t want to worry your partners because they are resting or busy. And you don’t even know where it came from because you had a good day. I’m starting to cry as I am typing this. What a lot of pent up worry. And it’s hard because I’m like who do I talk to now? I don’t want to talk emotional baggage to someone and let them listen to me trying to figure what’s wrong or why I’m feeling like this. And then I feel even more guilty and worse because the people I really want to call are my partners, but I text my friend instead and ask to call him. Too much sadness within a triad is too much. But then that doesn’t mean I should stop expressing myself to them?? So much dissonance inside. Too much!

[windflowerfairy]

by Emily Dickinson

[soulswind-deactivated20200103]

Again

[floaterdaily]

You’ve just fallen asleep

I’m left still trying to clarify my thoughts my feelings. Many years ago I vested in ‘promises’ the highest powers of my will and my faith, and everything else, even my person. Which is a stupid thing to tie to a promise.

8Feb2019

//

[floaterdaily]

I do too much in retrospect, and not enough in real time

[floaterdaily]

7th Feb 2019

It’s been about two years since I typed this, and I’m still reminding myself of it! Things are coming up to the present definitely. I feel it like a rush of impatience, actions that want to live.

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

You cannot prevent me.

Gertrude Stein, from Poems Between Women; “The Mothers,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

And how angry it makes me that you shouldn’t be here, and I do ache for you so all the time–damn it–it gets no better with time or distance–and I foresee that it won’t–oh damn, damn, damn–You would be pleased if you knew how much I minded–

Vita Sackville-West, from a letter to Virginia Woolf c. January 1926 (via violentwavesofemotion)

[larmoyante]

Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again.

Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita (via larmoyante)

[theliteraryjournals]

I vulgarize my feelings by speaking of them too readily to others.

Susan Sontag, As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh (via theliteraryjournals)

this this this. please remember this and dont feel bad about keeping things to yourself

-shaw

[projectmayhem16x13]

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

My pattern of violent thirsty impulsive intimacy with people—followed by phasing out. All that unsatisfied need for contact which builds up + builds—+ then bursts out upon a new person who comes into my life and seems to “see” me at all in a new or generous way. I seduce myself with my hope, my farseeing of what’s rich in that person—+ gloss over the limits that are equally discernible. And then, quickly, I can see only limits.

Susan Sontag, from a diary entry featured in As Consciousness Is Harnessed To Flesh: Journals & Notebooks, 1964 - 1980 (via violentwavesofemotion)

[floaterdaily]

22 Apr 2018

Love is wonderful, but I am not ready for it yet. Perhaps in a few more months when I am more conscious of my habits and also balancing form and essence identity that I can develop in a more nuanced and sensitive way. The time I have after graduation will also be great for that. Perhaps it is a blessing that Hazel is too busy to meet me now.

While in the meantime I want somebody to kiss and cuddle, they are more than a physical satisfaction. One is dealing with a whole person and life that should be treated with respect, kindness and a sense of humour which I am learning to practice.

[floaterdaily]

26/3/2018

It’s done, telling how exactly you feel can be so daunting. And I feel bad that it hurt mer. But I had to tell her. What now?? Waiting for a reply but I’m sure she is still dealing with the thoughts and emotions that came with. We need to talk.. which I’m clearly avoiding.

On a more personal reflection, I can’t just spring this on my partner(s) and not give them chances to work with the situation.. yet gradual unhappiness is repelling..

So much lies on my faith too..

[floaterdaily]

16/03/2018

It is embarrassing to not be like your family. But they disgust me and it is ironic because I consciously do not want to become my parents. But my upbringing that is deep seated in me says that I am all that I am brought up to be and anything else is fake.

A day after my 22nd birthday, I see a box of cakes in the fridge aware that it is for me. But at 11.25 pm and a rehearsal at 9pm tomorrow (Ezekiel’s), I am going to bed. Teeth brushed, face clean. And as I sit in my almost quite room save for the traffic from outside my window, I fear that one of them will burst into my room and announce/demand that we are celebrating now. My heart is beating against my ribcage. I don’t know what I’m scared for. They’re just words, loud commands of the people I’ve known all my life.