#58 “Congratulations! I’m going to have sex with you.”
Dear Applicant,
On behalf of This Girl, I am please to inform you that you have been selected for admission into My Vagina and Surrounding Areas. Congratulations, you have made it to the end of a highly selective process that is much less selective if it’s been a while.
In coalition with my pussy, the nape of my neck, charming personality, and big naturals, I commend you on the excellent qualifications that lead you to your acceptance; thinking I’m funny, sharing your burrito with me that one time because you were already done with it, being at Catherine’s party when I didn’t have to work the next day, living close to me. During the admissions process you were rigorously assessed by a board of my friends over brunch. We found you to possess “good arms” and to “sort of look like Clive Owen.” Congratulations, I’m going to have sex with you.
Although this letter accepts you into This Girl for at least the night, and possibly semesters upon semesters, the journey is not over. Once arriving at my loft bed you will meet some of the greatest academic challenges of your life.
A few helpful tips as you embark on this journey of a lifetime:
1. This Girl wants you to succeed. Vaginas are complicated, nuanced spaces where hopefully we can make complicated nuanced observations. Bring booze.
2. At This Girl we believe in a core curriculum of oral sex, intense making out, funny bits in between, and then fucking me like the dirty girl I am.
3. Oral sex cannot be emphasized enough. A common mistake amongst This Girl freshmen using one’s tongue during oral sex like it’s a smaller wetter penis. The point is that your tongue isn’t your penis, so don’t try to fuck me hard with it. It’s just as This Girl’s school motto states “Lick it Slow. Keep it up Top.”
4. The more turned on This Girl gets, the more sensitive she will be down there. Slow is good. Deep is good. One finger at a time please. Once I cum, I’m going to need you to pull out slowly and let me lay there for a second. School policy.
5. Don’t just whip your dick out of This Girl whenever you want to. What is this, a state school?
6. Studies show that students who ask thoughtful questions on how to make This Girl cum have a 200% success rate at cumming frequently themselves!
7. It’s both the partner’s responsibility to tell each other when we answer correctly, when we’re close but not A +, when we didn’t even show up for class.
8. Thanks for looking like Clive Owen.
You now join a diverse student body that includes a dude whose dick I threw up on once but he never noticed, a bisexual with Lion King sheets, too many comedians, one first love and one great love.
So pack plenty of water, clean underwear, and a hunger for knowledge. We’re going to have sex!
Sincerely, This Girl A Mother Fucking Institution
