[floral-darkness]

Make it all stop for a bit? Just a bit.

[floral-darkness]

Week two of living alone is almost over... I’ve managed to feed myself (almost) every day; sleep; keep on top of chores; sit my exam, go to work and am starting work on my essays today.

I am surrounded by wonderful people who love and support me. I have a meaningful life in Bristol and that’s enough to keep the suicidal ideation at bay most of the time; I am very thankful.

I am taking a more active role as a guider and working towards my leadership qualification at breakneck speed. I love my job and the children I care for, and am so excited to be staying with them through to at least the end of 2020. I’m able to focus more on university and will be applying for my masters soon... as long as a graduate with a 2:1 (that’s the very realistic goal!).

Life changed massively over the past few weeks but I think I’m adjusting okay. Living alone is kinda lonely, but it’s better than the stress that being unhappy in a relationship brings.

Most importantly; I’ve got this 🌻

[floral-darkness]

Somewhere deeply buried in the female psyche may be the idea that to freely allow herself to be “conquered” by a man eventuates in her conquering him. And this may be somewhat akin to feeling a male’s organ inside her as actually enabling her to “take charge of” it: Even in submission, to feel her dominance or affirm her erotic will, rather than simply being subjugated to another’s. For, ultimately, choosing to forfeit control may not be to lose it . . . but to powerfully assert it.

[floral-darkness]

Closing thoughts.

I wonder how it felt, to sit and listen to me get passionate over women’s rights and toxic masculinity... knowing that you had literally sexually assaulted someone and abused a position of power. I wonder how it felt, to lie directly to my face about what you did... knowing that if you told me I would not only leave you but report you to the police myself. I wonder how you reflect on it, whether you regret it, whether you’ve ever thought about apologising... whether you would do it again.

I wonder how you conceptualise it now, do you think of it as sexual assault? Or just a girl who took things too far and got you into trouble? I wonder how you justify it to yourself to sleep at night? I wonder if you even realise the potential impacts of what you did.

Because I was right... that niggling feeling that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with you started then. And I thought it was because you lied to me... because you’d betrayed my trust; but actually it runs so much deeper than that. You betrayed the fundamentals of my being, my beliefs, my identity. You perpetuated the issues in our society that I have dedicated my time into changing. You made a young woman feel vulnerable, scared and violated.

These are my closing thoughts because there will be no more of you; for I feel you are no longer worth them.

[floral-darkness]

[floral-darkness]

Today was a super shitty day, after two massive assessments at uni I got completely overwhelmed and went for a nap at 2pm... it’s now 7pm so I’ve been asleep for 5 hours in the middle of the day (I literally never do this anymore).

I feel like a failure because I missed my last lecture. I downplay my mental health so much these days and can just be #bossbitch most of the time, doing everything I need to for my future and on the whole feeling alright. But today was a shattering crash back to reality that sometimes these things happen, sometimes I can’t meet the expectations I make for myself, and sometimes I need to stop.

Slowly trying to give myself the same forgiveness I give to others. Slowly accepting that I’m human too.

[floral-darkness]

I am stronger than my mental health. Just watch. I’m going to be amazing.

[semidepressed]

I don’t care what happens to me anymore, I’m exhausted

[imaconflictedcontradiction]

I don’t deserve to be alive.

[unrightful]

[yaa-rra-deactivated20220624]

Sometimes you just gotta stay silent cause no words can explain the shit that’s going on in your mind and heart.

[floral-darkness]

[fryhoe]

wish you were here // neck deep

[grievingyoung]

“He died. God, it’s still weird to write those words, he died.”

—

[psychicheart]

Loss is an emotional disaster that leaves you in ruins. A rageful earthquake of the soul, of your past and present. A brutal and sharp agony that invades the territories of your being and makes you the hostage of suffering. But that feeling of agony is holy because its very essence is love. Loss is only bearable in loveless lands.

[floral-darkness]

My entire newsfeed is your face, your words, your presence... Everyone remembering your life and all that they shared with you. Oh, you were so very loved. I feel like I should be doing that too... but I can’t. I’m not there. When I think of you I think of how much it hurt when I was told you had gone. I think of our last conversation, just a few hours before you died. I think of all the things I wish I’d have said, the time I wish I’d have spent. I think of the last time I saw you, and the last time we hugged. I think of all the terrible life things we spoke about over alcohol and cigarettes. I think of all the times you called me or I called you in the early hours of the morning. I think of all the times you broke down on me, or I on you. I think of all the pain.

You fight no more demons, and now one of mine is the absense of you. I wish you were here.

[floral-darkness]

Today marks a year since I last spoke to you, a year since you left this world. I still don’t understand why you’re not here anymore, I still can’t believe I’ll never see you again. I miss you.