Flossypanda

[flossy-exe]

Lonely

Can't really figure it out so I'll put it down to feeling lonely. You could be surrounded by amazing people, there doesn't have to be many, just enough to keep you floating, then it hits...everything you try to do doesn't make sense, it doesn't spark joy.

You feel like you're trying your absolute best and it's still not good enough. I can't shake it, maybe some sleep might help.

[flossy-exe]

It doesn't come in like standing at the beach, bare feet in the sand, water splashing at your legs; it hits you like a truck.

...I'm a little stuck, can't say what brought it on this time. Maybe the endless working, personal life or maybe just maybe it's the fact I'm losing my shit at everything that trips me up. Work 48hrs to get paid for 40 (because salary and get paid time in lieu anything over 40) no fucking worries...work 9+ days in a row because you just have no one else, that's okay. Having work preach about the "work life balance" we are all meant to have but apparently doesn't apply to you, fucking perfect.

Could leave? Yeah maybe, if there were jobs going. Change towns? I'm a little stuck at the moment. Stuck is the simplest way to bundle all the chaos into one messy ball of yarn for now.

Haven't had a decent work break since Feb, I do get one in October...so shits going. Let's just take it slow, make it to atleast October, lol.

[flossy-exe]

I can't~

I'm trying so hard, told everyone I was getting better. I don't believe it anymore. I'd rather not be here. Call it selfish, that's fine...

I got a townhouse~ finally a "home owner" I don't really want that either anymore. I don't know what I want really. Kinda sucks tbh, I'm just kinda sitting in limbo at this stage. Works work, at home I'm feeling a little lost.

I'd love to play video games but I have no drive to actually play any. The few I'm cycling few at just time wasters so the day ends quicker. Maybe I'm being over dramatic lol. Maybe I just need to get out more, see new things, rather than a cramped room for a few more weeks.

[flossy-exe]

I want to move.

Whether it's a new house, new town or even new state. I don't feel as much of a home body as the rest of my family. I love them dearly but I need to do what's suited to me. I don't think it's my job now more than location. The hardest part would be not being the only affected one. When it's just you, you can get up & just leave. Others you might be dragging away have jobs, lives, friends & family...when it's not just you, the other half has to be wanting to go too.

Or maybe I just need a haircut. I need to switch something up & do it differently.

[flossy-exe]

Maybe it's the lack of sleep or being over-worked...

I didn't realise how bad my scars actually were. My skin is already white as but the healed scars just stand out. It's been well over a few months since I added new ones, but there's something about the scars that make me feel disgusted in myself.

The last few years have been such a turn around for me. With surgery back in April 2022 so far I've lost 55kgs (120lbs) roughly, so now looking over my skin I just see self harm scars, bad stretch marks and saggy skin. I don't fully love myself but I've been in worse condition. I let myself go and unfortunately in doing so caused a lot of damage both physically & mentally.

[anime--irl]

[flossy-exe]

Can I quit?

Life mostly but I'll settle for my job right now. I get a jobs a job but it's getting to get point that I'd rather neck myself then come in. It's also not easy finding new work & what if I get into it and the mood lingers. Why would I want new people dealing with me?!

My moods getting pretty bad again, I'm just angry most of the time, with a little sprinkle of void. The self harm came back recently too, still feels like it use to... amazing. Can't do it as much anymore but it's just enough to take the edge off~

[flossy-exe]

Having energy to exist is hard.

It's not getting any easier. Works just becoming a mental void. Today was just a fuckup, all of it. I'm going to fuck up my wrist, lost a coping mechanism, picked up another...my wrist hurts, it's so bruised from constantly whacking it whenever I mad or upset.

I don't want to keep this up, I'm tired & I'm not functioning well anymore. Maybe I can just close my eyes & fade into nothing.

[flossy-exe]

I'm just angry...

All the fucking time, you don't have to enjoy your job..who does? But I'm not coping very well. Been off my meds since last April - more because I haven't found a Dr that I want to go through the hassle with.

The gym helps~ as they say it should but it doesn't stop the feeling of wanting to kill myself. I'm breaking down all over again, it's not even triggered from past stuff just me being absolutely angry with every little thing.

I want to quit, but in this economy it's not as black and white. Finding jobs, housing...just everything sucks. Fuck this life.

[flossy-exe]

It still bugs me...

Means he won right?! It constantly runs through my mind. He doesn't care anymore, so why do I? Why do I feel like the fucked over one? Could I have done something? Should I have just hit him back?...

Its getting better...some days, I'm happy or atleast I think I am. Everything I've done in the past few years was for me and me alone. I'm proud of myself, but I do miss some things..the blade running across my arms and legs. Feeling the relief run out red. Most don't understand unless you've tried it. Now I just punch things, brushing knuckles and whatnot.

I don't want to feel like he won, none of it clearly affected him as much as it did me. I mean fuck, I couldn't move properly for a week, had his knuckle imprinted into my stomach, but it was my word against his...what proof did I have?! I didn't bruise for a few days and could just feel where he had hit me. I'm not weak, just soft as it's been put. Over emotional I guess, affected easily by dumb people and their dumb actions.

I'll slip for a while again then I'll be fine, but how do I move on when it clearly runs through my mind whenever it wants?

[flossy-exe]

You've got a job, car, amazing boyfriend, family you'd do anything for no matter how much they bug you, so what's wrong?

You're back at the gym, lost 45kgs since April this year. You should be over the moon, proud of yourself girlie...but somedays it just still doesn't feel right, does it?

Those scars on your arms and legs..over a year or so old now, but are a constant reminder of how low you got, how you felt back when you finally broke down. You miss it don't you? The feeling of the blade slicing through your skin watching the red flow out as what felt like the whole world didn't matter in that moment.

You still get up everyday and take care of yourself, alot have it worse. So why do you feel so empty still?

[flossy-exe]

Apparently I'm the asshole for stopping my meds, I had no choice. I just moved towns, which was a cluster fuck anyways..couldn't see my doctor because I had no time to travel over, just for my doctor to leave anyways. I have a new doctor here but I don't have the energy to go through all the process again. So now I'm back to just existing for now, slowly getting bad again.

I hate this job, it's such a fuck around. Could I quit? Sure...but how hard is it to pick up new work when you're secure in the hell you're stuck in now. Moving again would be nice, but to where? My mental isn't just going to stay, it has to come with me. I don't think I'll be happy anywhere new.

Ifykyk, but my god I'm missing it. Sure it wasn't healthy but it helped. The scars are slowly fading but when I catch glimpses of them it makes me crave it again.

#bad #mentalhealth #depression #thoughts

[thoughtkick]

“I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I’m not in the right place.”

— Franz Kafka

[flossy-exe]

I feel like I'm slipping again.

I got a promotion, I still have stuff to move because I had to relocate towns. I'm having to work 65hrs this week, everything hurts. The new place is a shit storm, I've been here three weeks and feel like I've accomplished nothing.

My mentals slowly going to shit lol and I don't think I can stop it this time. I spent the first week with a stomach bug, so was home sleeping alot. Second week rolls by and I've spent more time sitting around with zero focus. Will admit I've done so much this week, but I'm also just stuck.

I've been having the same dream and it's killing me mentally. I just want to shut down for a while, refresh and start again. I can't self harm at the moment because I'm living back with my parents until I'm sorted.

I just need it all to stop~

[flossy-exe]

I don't think people can have pity on me when I'm the one that does this to myself. The last few days have been rough..but generally it only gets bad when I forget my meds and guess what sunshine..that's exactly what I've done. Getting back on the meds fucking makes me sick, I go through nausea so bad because my bodies switching between being on them and coming off them. Plus side? Atleast I know I'm still alive but at the same time torturing myself to keep that in check.

[flossy-exe]

It's getting exhausting, the constant nightmares...wanting to self harm. I'm a mess and I hope you know I'm trying so damn hard now. I'll always appreciate you for sticking around while I let the darkness sink in. I feel like such a failure as a friend, I'm struggling to keep in contact, convos are getting hard, all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep the day away but the nightmares stop the sleeping. Maybe everything will get better, or maybe I'll finally end it all.

[flossy-exe]

Works getting tough. I'm always angry these days. Sleep, game and work...that's my cycle. Yeah I talk to a few friends but I feel like such a burden, why would anyone want to put up with me? I got overwhelmed at work, sliced at my arm...at work. Some days I wish I had less toxic ways of dealing with the stress and anger but at the end of the day it's become the thing that works. I like when my arm turns bright red, feels like the liquid escaping my body bleeds out the stress. If I skip my meds the nightmares are strong, sometimes a part of me likes the nightmares. Maybe one day I'll learn who I use to be and get better but for now, I'll ride this out unless it kills me.