Flowers for Coco

昔々ある姫様わ。。。

[parakavka]

[meizhun]

[flowersforcoco]

If I’m going to be totally real here I’m still totally grieving over the loss of my best friend and dog Hana. I think no one in my life besides my therapist has really recognized that or has even offered to help me through that/resolve it which is honestly sad. I was thinking a bit about something that the psychiatrist I saw said. I had told her that I feel like it should be fine by now because she was just a dog and to literally everyone else when their dog passes away it’s not a big deal? And she was like no it is a big deal to you because you guys grew up together and you were really close to her and comforted by her. I treated her like my sister and loved her so deeply. She was my little sister. I don’t know if I regret not being able to say goodbye to her. I love her so much. She was so much more than just a pet or a dog to me. She had a personality, she was really sassy and also just the cutest thing in the entire world. I just want to post all the pictures I have of her because that makes me happy. Seeing her adorable face and thinking of all the memories (although makes me sad) makes me so happy. She was the most beautiful and joyous creature that I have ever encountered. She loved me. I miss her with my whole heart. 

[flowersforcoco]

I just hate myself a lot right now.

[inutainura]

ながけん＊inu(ken)

[suidoukannoharetu]

大きな柴犬を見つけた

[sully-s]

Kintsugi philosophy - to embrace and highlight the history, struggle, repair in gold for that is where the true beauty lies.

[thedaintydiarist-blog]

holy shit

[twinwillows]

[liamcobb]

[flowersforcoco]

Honestly I forget if it was yesterday or the day before, but I was so fed UP with the whole feeling spiritually neglected nonsense that I almost texted Cody and was like pls let me go to church with you I want to convert. Like it’s so dumb that I feel like my self worth as a Catholic/person in our catholic community is reliant on whether or not a missionary hangs out with me. Like first of all, it’s honestly dumb that I even have to feel this way. Like I’m so unhappy with my community and I feel so unsupported and unloved that I want to leave. This almost has nothing to do with how I feel about Catholicism as a whole but just about the attitude of the people that I’m surrounded by and the culture created by them. Isn’t that dumb? Isn’t that just like SO DUMB? Like it’s your job as a missionary to support all students, not just the students who are going to be your disciples and turn into missionaries. And like supporting all students is a lot so yea I don’t expect someone to talk to me like every single day, but like a genuine one on one check in or something at least more than once a semester would be nice? Like don’t text me just to ask me to invite someone to some $300 conference??? I’m sorry but if you really think that that’s caring and loving it’s really not. And if you’re going to hang out with me just to plug discipleship crap or the fricken conference, think again. Like that’s so frustrating when it just feels like you’re being used by the people who are supposed to support you. 

And another thing is that I hate how people in our community treat/talk about other Christians. Like it’s disgusting that you look down on someone for how they love and glorify God. Sure, maybe some things in their interpretation are incorrect but we can definitely learn something from the way that other Christians and even non-Christians approach faith and their life. I’m sorry but the fact that you’re Catholic doesn’t make you better than anyone else. It’s okay to be proud of your religion, but it’s another thing to mock others for living out their faith and loving God.

I’m just like so frustrated and I really just want to message Cody and be like “should I convert” or “can I please go to church with you” but honestly it’s just too much right now. UGH I’m so annoyed by this.

[flowersforcoco]

I was feeling really crappy earlier today and I’ll admit that I’m still not feeling the best right now but I just remembered about loving myself. Lately there have been people in my life that have really been making me feel disgusting and awful for putting myself first and trying to improve myself. And I realized something. I don’t deserve to feel bad for loving myself. I don’t deserve to feel bad for calling out people’s behavior that hurts me, especially when I do it in a kind and responsible way. I don’t deserve to feel incompetent, invalidated, hated, and disgusting because one person isn’t mature enough to understand me as a person and my issues. Not everyone is going to have an open heart and mind and be able to understand me and love/encourage me, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that that I should have an open heart and mind and that I shouldn’t seek to understand, love, and encourage myself. I deserve so much. So I’m going to pick myself up. I’m going to be a badass. And I’m going to love and nurture myself because I’m growing and I might make mistakes and get stepped on, but that’s okay. I can’t afford to stop trying. I’ve come too far.

[flowersforcoco]

ew I’m depressed and just don’t feel like doing anything and being productive and it’s sad and gross and I hate it and I hate meeeee UGH. I think I might just sleep...

[flowersforcoco]

When you accidentally ostracize yourself by quitting something that was causing you serious stress and anxiety only to encounter more stress and anxiety for being ostracized and feeling like everyone hates you and doesn’t want to deal with/talk to you. 

Oh well at least my anxiety cough is gone (except now it just came back literally as I was typing this because I started thinking about these things and they’re making me anxious.) WHY DO INTANGIBLE THINGS HAVE TO MANIFEST THEMSELVES IN PHYSICAL CHRONIC SYMPTOMS THAT’S SO DUMB!

[flowersforcoco]

I’m so depressed right now and it’s really gross. 

[zapsi]

Bark bark

[flowersforcoco]

I don’t know if I’ve ever just felt this genuinely depressed. I want so badly to be better. I’m trying every strategy that I can. I’m trying to feed myself so much positive energy and love. I’m trying so hard to invest myself in loving and fulfilling friendships and like I just am so depressed. I can barely function properly. I just have no energy for anything and like I want it so bad. It frustrates me so much. Like I understand that no fix is quick but it just feels like constant downpour and I can’t handle the most basic things. I just don’t get it. Like it makes me wonder if it’s something physiological versus something that’s just purely psychological. I think that’s what scares me the most. Is that dumb? The thought of needing medication scares me more than just being depressed.

[sunshine-and-happy-things]