I hesitated on writing a post for the new year for a little while but Tumblr is one of my earliest memories of internet expression and this very same emotion–this hesitation to post/share is closely linked to what I’m going to try to touch on.
Two years ago I packed what belongings I held dear and moved alone to the east coast on a whim. I’m impulsive, I react like a flame when something fuels me. I have learned it is my virtue and demise depending on the situation. When it comes to deciding to uproot and go from what I knew to what I scarcely did, I can confidently say in retrospect it was one of the most courageous things I’ve executed. Little did I know I would be faced with questions I had only skimmed in depraved pacing through the “self-help” aisle at a local bookstore during my teenage years. Things like how to address fear and consciousness. My brain saved these concepts into a ‘figure out later’ folder and I followed my nose to prickly rose bush on instinct.
I remember waking up confused in my first apartment, having dreamt I was back home. Then there were mornings where I knew exactly where I was and who I was determined to be. Not necessarily wanting to change myself or take on a new name, but really try my hand at aiming to be more positive and choosing to be kind. I welcomed an early sense of consciousness to my life I hadn’t felt before. However, independence did not come friendless, insufficiency was close behind. Consciousness had drudged up an emotion I had wanted to put away for good. The problem (and a good one at that) with realizations is that you can not unsee what is so evidently present. I had not dealt with a lot of issues from my past but as life would have it, I decided to suppress dealing with them for a little longer.
During this phase of suppression, I decided to let people’s opinions rub off on me. I felt so tender from it all. Looking back, it was normal for me to have reacted this way in my new environment with the knowledge I had accumulated. It was like Jr.High took on a new dimension and was hitting me in serious adult ways. I hid away real parts of myself I was afraid people wouldn’t like out of fear of not fitting in. I stowed away books I was afraid people would judge me for, hid collections of postcards I was afraid weren’t tasteful. My little soul was tired and disassociated. I have since been making amends.
What all of this amounted to was an inability to be genuine.
This isn’t to say I was going around lying about details of myself, but expression became difficult because I wasn’t saying words or harnessing emotions in a way that was truly authentic. I was rushing out of bed for no good reason, there was no traction behind my actions that really made me feel driven.
I know that some of you may be reading this and wondering how I could be feeling this way having finished an EP, a video series, and a tour. I was weeding through all of this along the way. I think the fact these projects were taking place was so crucial because despite how distorted I was feeling inside I was trusting myself enough to make something, anything. To color, run, sing, write and embark on making something tangible to understand myself.
And so this leads me to my point of pivot in 2016, where my consciousness met my fear and decided to make a bond.
Losing my voice on my first tour was something I had nightmares about. I would wake up in June wanting to erase whatever my subconscious was trying to live out for itself in sleep. The formula turned out to be just right however and it ended up happening. This lead to one of the biggest lessons I hold so dear. I remember feeling so weak, insufficient and afraid. My inner demons were silenced along with my voice and I was left with no one but myself to pull me out. I needed to be kind to myself in the most obvious ways; spiritual and physical. It made me take a second to reflect on why I felt unhappy, what things felt truly unresolved. It felt like I had to take the time to unravel my ideas slowly. Through the amazing tool of meditation and therapy, I am slowly learning that I am simply a product of what I have observed, understood and continue to learn. My fear of failure, rejection and insufficiency come from very real events in my life that happened but some small nuggets of information are waiting to be collected on the other side to aid in the evolution of my character.
Which is why this new year I feel more determined than ever to encourage authenticity within myself and see the authenticity in others. Liking what I like because I like it, and appreciating what someone else likes because they like it. Energy is better spent constructively critiquing and trying to make time to finish your scattered sentences because what you have to say is so important.
So I’m offering up my virtual hand to yours in a soft pixel embrace encouraging you to do the same. It’s real if you want it to be. Just like our little friend, fear.
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