How Strange And Lovely It Is To Be Anything At All

Another one of those writing blogs Poetry and pieces of midnight thoughts k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

This week I punched a wall until I bled,

It was made of stones, and bricks, and memories of you.

And it felt, for a moment, like I could feel you beside me again.

Like maybe if I hit it hard enough, your hand would be holding mine again.

My mouth tasted like a bottle of rum I shouldn’t have picked up.

Like a bitter reminder that if we’d held on a little longer we may have made it.

And my ears rang from the sound of the last words you said to me,

And I missed you.

And I missed what we were,

And more importantly everything we never got the chance to be.

This week I punched a brick wall until I bled,

And somehow it still hurt less than leaving you.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

Your eyes dance across the room and meet mine. They always do. It’s as if we’re stuck repeating the same patterns over and over, You knew the words to my favourite songs And I found things I knew you’d love We ran in circles where no one spoke real words Lightly tapping the surface like rain against a window But you were a cool blue December And I was a burning orange, an ember in a fire that died long before you could coax it to life We mixed our signals like broken traffic lights And I tore myself apart wondering how and where I could quite fit in. And for the longest while You were just another possibility in an endless sea

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

"stolen glances, mere moments apart.

we spent years playing a game no one could win. you’d reach out one moment, and i the next, but we always were just minutes too late. how were we supposed to know that outside our little world lay a cold and unforgiving truth how were we supposed to know that time would escape us like smoke billowing from the snowy chimneys of the houses we swore we’d one day own how were we to realize that everything changes so fast. that one minute we’d blink and be miles and miles apart. amidst the waves of worries that accompany growing old how were we to know

and how was i to know

how was i to know if my little heart was truly broken when i was never sure it was whole to begin with."

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

Okay so the world didn't fall apart, but something did. Amidst the swirling mess that is our lives. Something went wrong, got lost in translation, as things always do. We promised forever. I guess the time just flew by. Because forever is up. We went our ways. I guess in our own childish way we didn't realize that it was all just a myth made up by dreamers with hope in their heart and too much pain in their eyes. That the idea of a forever together was doomed from the start. You used to tell me you loved my voice, now you won't even pick up my calls. So yeah, the world didn't fall apart. We did.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

I made a mistake, I found a home in someone I never really knew, Built walls around his beautiful face, And a bed in his beautiful soul, Then choked to death on the broken hope of a world I would never know. I found a home in a boy, A million miles away I found a home in a boy Someone I should've known would never stay.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

You were made of stardust, and fire flies and the warm fuzzy feeling of truly being loved. And I was a glass shard, torn at the seams, broken hearted kind of mess. And for a minute, when you held my hand, I felt like I could maybe be more than just another excuse to run away. But I wasn't meant to be kept close or safe, and you were the warmest place I could wish to be. And so what were we supposed to do? I know I ran but so did you.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

You told me you were getting married, on a rainy afternoon in March. That you knew that you had found the one and that you loved her more than you ever thought you could love anyone. You hadn't set a date but you could feel it in your bones, you somehow knew it would happen, as if everything you had ever wanted was resting in the balance. Sitting there beside you I felt a mile away, wishing I was on the other side of everything that had happened, wishing that it had worked out for me instead. It's selfish, I know, I just thought that if I could hold on a little longer, when everything was said and done that we would maybe just fall into place. That somehow you'd know that when I waited all those years for an answer, I more than half expected it to be you. I was wrong. I wish that we'd both been the answer we spent our lives searching for. And selfishly, I wish I had found mine sooner.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

You were always a question, perched on the dip of my Cupid's bow, begging to go unanswered You were a series of maybes and what ifs strung together on clothing line, hung up like a garland on a tree, swept up in the nonsense of being a child You were the unanswered phone calls and the late night drives that kept me up at night, and the shards of glass trapped in the corners of my broken picture frames. You were a million things but you were never really mine.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

It’s 3 in the morning and I hear you whisper in my ear from a mile away “Today we conquer the day,” “I’m broken”, I say, “we both are, And I know for sure we won’t get very far” But you never let that stop you before. With a crooked smile and fists clenched as if holding yourself together, you repeat the same sentence a different way, "Today is the day we will conquer the day." And for once, I don’t just believe you, I know that we will.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

I'd peer over the edge of the bridges we'd climb, straddle the fine line between living and dying, so in a sense I was a flight risk. Because it was solid ground, or it was falling and flying.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

We stand less than seconds apart “It’s a sin” you whisper I know But I prayed to god a thousand times And never found an answer that fit quite as well as you do And with your eyes, so gold, that shine like stars in the pitch black sky How was I to know that God didn’t give me a sign.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

We were in the eye of the storm Flashing by the whirlwind of colours and sounds Grasping at straws for an answer we'd never receive, about how everything would be worth it, and you'd fall for me, and I you, and everything would be perfect. The eye of the storm is calm, but as all storms, it eventually dies. And everything must eventually fade. I'm sorry we never kept in touch. It never was long enough.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

Hallucinations as vivid as my hands in front of me From the brink of a deathlike sleep creeps the demons I swore everyone could see I was wrong I am the only one They crawl their way to my throat choking from lips the joy I once felt Leaving only the taste of a sleepless demise The dreams of a life better, farther, more Disappear before my very eyes Replaced with a nightmare all to real A continued existence of apathy

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

You were told that every opportunity was yours for the taking. I guess you thought people fell in that category as well. Because you take. You expect the world. You never stop. Like a black hole, always needing more. Always taking more. And when all is gone you move on to your next dream. Your next goal. Your next target. But god forbid one of the ones you left behind claws their way back. God forbid they find themselves coming back. God forbid they find themselves again. You come right back and take again. Your ambition not only your biggest strength is also your greatest weakness. Leaving a trail of broken spirits, broken people behind. One day you will reach the top, I'm sure of it. But remember, when you wonder why the top is so lonely, it's because you made sure you'd be the only one there.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

Life tends to fall apart quite wholly and quite unexpectedly. One minute standing tall in the midst of a universe of possibilities, but blink and you may find yourself missing life or worse, masked in the shade of an inescapable reality. And you may feel that one person is your whole world but at a point you must realize that you are not just a chapter of someone else’s story. You can, and you must figure out that as much as silence can have power, words can have infinitely more. It is the only way you will move forward. And even when you wonder why everyone speaks of a broken heart but you never hear words about a broken spirit, you must continue to wonder. You must continue to marvel. Now you may wonder why people speak of hope being ever present when for you it has become a strenuous mental exercise that you have to keep yourself believing. Because without this hope what is someone like you to do. And you may wonder how words strung into limp sentences could have the power to shatter your world, or how those same words could be strung together and create whole new beginnings. Walt Whitman once wrote about all going onward and outward and nothing collapsing and while this may be true, perhaps he was wrong that death is a luckier fate. Maybe, just perhaps, there is a greater life out there yet to be discovered. Because maybe the feeling of the sun on your back could be enough to bring new meaning to the word life. But if not maybe you could find a better one through the pages of a book, breathe fresher air at the peak of a mountain or come alive through a piece of art or a song. Because as much as darkness may feel all encompassing it is only fair to remember there is light in the world too.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

With lips cracked like the broken streets that stretched along the outskirts of town, for what always felt like miles, you grabbed my hand and we made our way. Leaves falling around us as we walked down the long gravel road, And sat on swings talking about what the future held for us. We stared at the open sky till our eyes burned and our cheeks froze, And talked about a better life years and miles away. Clouds of warm breath puffed out like dragon's smoke And our words would disintegrate into open air. To be young and to love, or maybe to be in love. We never knew. We never cared.

k.a.

[fluidityoflife]

The flags of a place I do not know rustle in my ears, the faint tinkling of a piano in the distance. Waves lightly lap at the dock below. I look over the edge, the calm quietness it portrays. "I could jump" I think, "and fly like a bird to a million miles from here". How free the bird is, and how I wish to jump.

k.a.