Trapped
I'm not only posting this on Tumblr. I almost never visit here but it's a chance to get some stuff off my chest. I am posting this because whatever happens I don't want to turn to alcohol again tomorrow because of this. I feel like I'm trapped in the past with no way to escape. Things have changed for me the last few weeks as I've given up on drinking and have been trying to start fresh. I was diagnosed with PTSD last year and I've been making great improvements, however it feels as though one bad relationship is always following me around. It's to the point where things are so embellished that I must have been a rapist, misogynistic person who bullied and trapped someone every moment of the day. I've been accused of domestic abuse and it's the only relationship I've had that has turned out this way. I'm certainly not that person and I feel like even now I am being punished for making a bad judgement call. I had shown the person some "harsh love" while in the relationship to try and wake them up to the reality around them but it had the wrong effect. I threatened to kick them out of my house if they didn't get their act together, it was an empty threat that you've heard a million times before if you've ever lived with parents/family when you were growing up
In that relationship I felt trapped and suffocated, I'm not the type of person to share my emotions or act on them. Every day I returned home to the same thing, trapped in the monotony of non-activity. The relationship ending was one of the best things that happened to me as I fear I would have killed myself within 6 months.
I've spent the last year staring down the bottom of an empty bottle killing myself over this. I have managed to damage my liver in the process trying to get over it but it's not the answer. I haven't spoken to the person about the way the relationship made me feel as I hate to play the victim card or draw attention to stuff like this. I don't think I can take the blame for this any more, not the full blame.
I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do changes this and the person involved appears to let this stay on the surface even if it's not directly aimed toward me. As much as I'm trapped with this bitter memory, this person is equally trapped in bringing it up at any chance. I feel sickened every time I think back to the relationship and it's making sobriety seem harder and harder. I'm in a healthy relationship now with someone I dated before but this still haunts me every time I see it. I need to put this behind me and I think it's time I face this head on but I'm scared to. I've maintained silence up until now. Taken completely out of context and with the wrong meaning, this is how I feel right now: http://youtu.be/Ejwftvv4iU4?t=5m40s
