FoodGlitchr

The FoodGlitchr team brings you despatches from the frontline of Birmingham's FoodGlitching culture

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our boi Aaron infringing Rovio's intellectual property & giving how many fucks? thats right none

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AARON CRAZE IS MY DREAM MAN

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SAME

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2 ingredients for billy no mates: 1 Lardons

LARDONS. Look like bacon. Taste like it too. If you sneaked them into a tasty stew you were preparing for a veggie theyd say “why did you put bacon in this”. Shove some in an envelope and post it to a sciencelab and shock! 3 - 5 weeks later the eggheads would write back saying it shares 100% the genetic DNA code as bacon. So why do some people keep calling them lardons? Simples. Its all part of the Mitchellin Gangsters trying to force there stuffy ideas about so called “dining” on the messy, REAL world of cooking and eating. Those same Michellin Gangsters who hand out there stars in exchange for a sloppy Ramsay blowie in the alley out back of Claridges wouldn’t know REAL food cooked in a REAL van if they choked on it. so if you catch a nosh joint with lardons on the menu you know what they are really saying is “we are the 1% of food & dont give a damn about you”. Foodglithcr does not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us RUDENESS MINUS ****

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4 Ingredients that give your food a rude 2K13 'tude... and 2 that are as 90's as Rugrats

Incoming message hot off the Foodglitchr test kitchens press: Does your food have a rude ‘tude? Is it edgy like our boi Aaron Craze - or is it as dull as a Delia? Were here with our definiteve list to make sure your nosh stays as raw as the street. 4 ingredients that keep your grub real + 2 that are best left to grandma RUDE FOOD INGREDIENTS 1 ANCHOVIES Like a certain more better well known product* you’ll either love them or you will hate them. Naturally salty crustaceans the bodies of these mini fish contain so much naturally occurring ocean salts that no cookin is needed - pop open the can, pop em in your gob and bosh. tasty snack + no trip to hospital. but its when you add them to what youre cooking that you see there dinnerglitching potential. Theyre like the sugarcubes of the sea, except salt not sugar and you cook with them. Here at foodglitchr HQ we call em Manchovies to honour them as a proper Rude Boy Food. But overfishing is in right now so the ehtical consumer should ask “could anchovies be a sustainable alternative to cod? Are Manchovies the 2K13 reboot of tilapia? Sure theres one big problemo: they are a bit too pricey for John Q Tescoshopper to drop into hisr trolley right now . But think about labour costs. In the time it takes for a fisherman to hook and line a 10lb seabass our anchovy fisherbro only reels in one fish that weighs about 2 grams, so maybe paying a bit more at the checkout is worth it? What ever the answer we know that anchovies will give your grub a heck of a rude ‘tude RUDENESS *** If unavailable try: haddock *vegemite

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4 ingredients straight outta Compton.. and 2 straight outta Kwik-Save (4) Ostrich

Its well known to savvvy shoppers ( and who isn't these days in this economy?) that when you buy meat by weight your throwing money down the drain paying for the useless fat that comes with it. it is one of the oldest scams in the butchers' book of scams. Enter: Ostrich meat, the solution to this old age problem. One of the leanest (unfatty) meats available, Ostrich is perfect for the adventurous yet economical foodglitchr looking toexperiment without pouring money down the toilet onfat Sure pennypinching is.fine especially in this economy but at this blogsite we are all about REAL food with REAL flavours. So how does it taste? Let me make myself clear: if you thought turkey was exciting you NEED to try Ostrich. This stuff is like Turkey on Temazopam. It is that good. In fact click out of your web browser for a sec, do yourself a favour and go fix yourself an ostrich Burg on a floury white bap with a smidgen of mayo and prepare to be blown away by the taste sensation. When youve logged back in you can leave your thanks below. RUDENESS **** If unavailable, try Tofu

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4 ingredients as hot as Nigella + 2 as tepid as Tom-Parker Bowles: 3 Garlic

AKA alium, evolved from the humble onion, used to be seen as a French vegetable but is now used in several cuisines all across of the surface of the globe - in chicken kievs (Russia) to the episode Nigel Slater did about it on his telly show (England) and even further beyond. It might seem well weird to put garlic on this list of Rude food ingredients because you could even walk into a wetherspoons and order breaded garlic mushrooms nowadays. on thursdays you can get a curry even. But trust us on this one: gently fry some garlic (remove skin first) in a frying pan and wait for the 'romas to waft up your nose. I'm saying 'roma here not just cause it saves valuable time but also cause smells like these are so evocative and mysterious, like gypsies. Now if those 'romas don't convince you that its a rude n raw ingredient, remember that this vefgie is so hip it evolved its own paper bag lmao...? RUDENESS: *** If unavailable try: garlic salt / capers / tinned button mushrooms

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4Ingredients with Rude 'tude + 2 best left for grandma: Huitlacoche

AKA "corn smut" which we reckon is pretty fitting cause nothing gets us hornier than a boner fide foodglitch courtesy of Ma Nature. Its hard to describe Huitlacoche withoout sounding like Steven Hawking so its best to think of it as the mushroom version of the facehuggers from Aliens except they only attack corn and instead of an alien bursting out of the corns chest delicious mushroom stuff bursts out instead. Corn smut was cultivated by the ancient, magical aztecs in there corn ( or "maize") crops. Now, those aztecs were way off the mark with their 2K12 doomsday prediction but this Tumblr predicts Huitlacoche is gonna be the big thing of 2K13 because of our beurocrats in government (thanks a lot David Cameron) corn smut is seen as a crop blight in this "country" so its tricky to get hold of at the mo. Your best bet is to try & find a dented tin of Green Giant sweetcorn & see if mother Nature has worked her aztec magic on it RUDENESS: ***** - awarded a Crazey, the Aaron Craze memorial trophy for foods with a rude raw 'tude If unavailable try: tinned button mushrooms