4N

the pandora of ralph foreign

[foreign]

I guess between the ever so elusive quest for romance for queer folks and it being ever so absent in my household growing up, I yearn for love like it's a a drug or like it's a treasure or like a cozy blanket on a chilly night.

Love is not the same as attention and it's not the same as flirtation. It's something else. Perhaps it is a deep fondness and maybe it does put someone up on a pedestal, but I learned to forgive him, as lovers would.

We didn't talk about it and I never brought it up and I'm not even sure he knows that I was mad about something but as casually as a "dinner tonight?" text rolled into my phone, I chose the excitement of seeing him again over holding a grudge and forbidding myself the one thing that makes me happy these days - him.

I've been told time and time again that love and despair go hand in hand and while I don't know where his loyalties lie, I am sure mine are with him. It's as if betraying him actually means betraying myself and the feelings I have for this person. I can't risk not having a good conscience.

Love has always made me anxious, because losing something as precious as love must feel devastating and so I keep thinking about that. I keep thinking that he'll leave one day but the truth is in the fear, I want him to stay, so badly. I think the lesson is though, what is meant for you is yours, and what isn't will only lead you to what is. I have to trust that I am being lead to the right place, with or without him. After all, we can only be friends, right? That's what you said.

[foreign]

I'm wondering if I made the right decision to be mad. Although madness is hardly a decision. It's more like a slippery slide, and the sorrow that coats the slide is wet with tears, until it becomes a slip-and-slide. A crash out.

One day, I'll see you again, and it won't hurt anymore. In fact, I'll be happy that you look happier. I'll be glad that you're okay. I'll look at you and it won't hurt anymore. In fact, I won't even remember why I even liked you. I'll stare at you, looking to find it, but it will remain ever so elusive, like a loch ness monster, or a mountain yeti. It's happened to handsomer men than you but I think the difference was that, I reached out to you, and you tried to hold on too.

Is it my fault to stop trusting you? Can we blame that it was gravity that pulled us apart?

Thank you for sharing your photos, so that I could see what the man I loved saw once upon a time for 57 moments in your life even though I just wanted to see the person on the other side of the picture.

It's been 8 months and one of the saddest years of my life.

[foreign]

One could argue that I broke my own heart. That I tempted fate to prove me wrong and I chased after a man who had no intentions of being with me. That maybe if I had hoped hard enough, if I loved hard enough, if I had given more of myself, that maybe he would come around. That maybe life would take some sort of pity on me and align us together. I've done this before and I don't know, maybe I had hoped this time would be different, but it never is.

"I don't have time for a relationship" is such a different type of cruel. One that I couldn't really blame him for. And that conversation starts to make its ripples through the evening. How he didn't get naked that night. How we just sat in a comfortable silence. I think one of his last words to me were "I'll see you around." Four words that I'll end up dissecting in odd ways.

It's been a sad half a year and it was never my intention to be sad for this long. I thought that after Frankie, I would never let myself be this broken after being with someone, but somehow this hurts different. It's deeper and longer and sadder, because even though I know I deserve better than this, a part of me is still in love with him - we just can't be together, for so many different reasons, and it's so hard to accept that reality can be a stronger force than love itself. It's that, or he didn't really love me. Both are hard to accept.

Proverbs 19:3 says people ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the LORD.

I'm thinking about the time when my boss was standing across from me and talking about how frustrated and sad and mad she was about something, and then sits down behind her monitor and just says "that's just life."

I just want it to stop hurting.

[foreign]

I've had a lot of strange dreams recently.

2 men trying to show a tube of something up my butt but none actually following through with it.

My ice skating classmate Neha telling me over a dating app that I need to let him go.

Me wandering a party that my pastor is at and being too shy to approach him

I just need to make note of all these for, I don't know, signs or something.

[foreign]

Feelings are funny. Feelings are a modern paradox. Constantly, we are taught to not feel, yet feeling is human. Feeling is being alive. Yet constantly we are taught to water them down, to not feel them, that they aren't real. If they aren't real, then why do they happen? If we don't listen to them, then what are they there for?

I'm being called to detach, but it comes at the cost of feeling things. Maybe this great big feeling is actually one giant emotional gash. Once you feel it, then you can start healing.

I constantly wonder why there is this certain progression in my life - why I have to stumble, crawl, and claw my way into having something I want. There are 2 ways to look at it - this will be worth the struggle or this wasn't meant for you. Even then, it doesn't become clearer - except that I wish it was meant for me.

[foreign]

I can't have you, can't I? I'm devastated down to my chest. It's like god struck my heart and melted it to the ground. It's so heavy.

[foreign]

I absolutely hate uncertainty. I feel like everywhere I go I have to look for signs from god. I wish he could talk to me more clearer.

Someone told me once that love is pain. I totally understand that now.

I wish to stop hurting so much. This ache is aching. Like drilled into my heart, it gets duller and duller.

I just want to talk to you in bed all the time.

[foreign]

6.11.25

My therapist suggested that I start journaling and this is the only way I know how.

The thought of rejection is terrifying. The thought itself brings me to tears. What if you can try your best and it's not even what people want or need. My card reader said that I am coming from a place of lack - that I'm not enough. She said I'm enough and even more than enough.

I'm talking about Neill. Everywhere I look, I feel like I'm only looking for him. I don't want to be heartbroken again. It's like life itself is mocking me at times. I wish the pain would go away. This is such an ugly feeling.

[foreign]

I like Neill, and for about 2 months, I would even say he was my favorite person. I have my reservations about him, even though, whatever this is has been the closest thing to love I've experienced.

I don't know what's going on with him and all this distance is actually really difficult for me. If you really liked someone, would you let all this time pass us by? Am I just a placeholder or option for something better?

I'm in a rut. I feel like I can't move on because I still have some hope in whatever this is and I don't want to ruin it by dating someone else, but on the other hand, don't I deserve something better?

[stuckinapril]

2025 glow up

Drink water

Fraternize with no one. Live in complete isolation so as not to risk being disappointed ever

take walks

[kosmogrl]

[papayajuan2019]

i could add a few more stages to grief if they let me

[foreign]

ew i cant believe i wrote in this shit lmao

[foreign]

I've gotten to the age where I have given up on the idea of a dream man - a prince charming, if you will. It's such a twisted fantasy that is sold to us by movies and stories. I can't believe I bought into this sick sick idea when I was younger, eating up all the rom-coms and dramas. "Fall in love, it's fun!" Love may be fun, but I think it is seldom perfect.

I think of the ending of Little Women, when the heroine writes her story and the editor tells her that her character has to fall in love in the end. Why? Because love sells! Everyone wants to be in love. What is love anyways? This mythical, elusive thing that two people think they have, that two people think they share? Something that everyone wants?? Something that people think they have but might not even have??? This thing that people will DIE for? Even DIE over?? It just seems like everywhere you go, someone wants to fall in love, or is doing all the things to become lovable.

It seems exhausting to care for someone else right now. It seems exhausting for someone to care for me too. I'm in love with the silence and being unbothered. I'm in love with freedom. Why would I give all that up... for love?

[foreign]

I went on a date and we were talking about how creatively unfulfilling it is to be happy. When you write about your struggles, it's really a cry for help.

Anyways good luck on your book.

[foreign]

I am grateful, yet anxieties are great.

Survival is the mission of this life. If I'm still alive, am I still winning? Am I still in the race to become America's next top model?

You're supposed to have the most faith when things are tough. That's when you're supposed to lean on God the most. I think it's so you don't kill yourself - so they give you the GREATEST thing ever be your crutch. The creator, the universe, existence and etcetera. I'm still in the game. Anything is possible.

Has anyone ever been scared of their own ideas? So you shrink them and without realizing it yourself, you've shrunken yourself too.

Tomorrow I will be brave and I will have action. Tomorrow I will lead and tomorrow I will work hard. And the day after, and the day after, until it is finally time to rest. I yearn for rest, more than anything. I wish these waters would flow calmy and flourish the grass with flowers.

Why do they sell love to us? They should have told us to dream of work.

[1eona]

Go in the dark emojis for when someone should go in the dark

[moths-are-pretty-cool]

POV: You cast a spell.