forest, empty

[forestempty]

I miss you lingering in the room, hovering at the front door, finding any reason to stay a little longer. I used to make you dinner, make you laugh, make you tell me the truth,and a year since we last spoke I still hope to see you in the street. I know it's in my best interests not to love you but it happens without a thought.  you dwell in my heart, quietly, in the background. your name rolls in my mouth when I'm alone. is it love, is it a shadow, is it a scar taking an age to fade? I'm not sure there's a difference at all.

[forestempty]

isaac, sleeping (2022), pencil on paper

[forestempty]

Those thoughts come in But if I step back What is it I'm seeing?

Those thoughts come in If I step I step I stumble I fall

I'm digging a hole To fall into later

When am I walking? When am I running? If I'm tripping I'm sorry

[forestempty]

I've lost count of how many times you've apologised. You cradle my head and tell me you're sorry again and it doesn't mean a thing. I look at you and feel completely empty.

We stand in the cold and inch away from one another. If I am to change then perhaps I am also to grow away from you. It confuses me that I can feel so alone when I am loved so much.

A new season begins. A crow eats the seeds I left for her on the windowsill. She turns to speak to me but I don’t understand. I ask her name and she only stares.

[forestempty]

misc studies from life drawing

[forestempty]

hand poem

you say something but I don’t hear you. I am looking at your hands, imagining them running over my own, feeling the cool glance of rings on your fingers against my warming skin. when I dream of you, I only dream of your hands; the brush of your fingertips, the heat of your palm. one day, your fingers will undo me. one day, I will melt under your warmth. I watch you fall asleep and imagine your arms around me.

[forestempty]

Altar Poem

I sit at the altar and ask the wind to bring what I crave. Like fingers in my hair, it answers. The orange oil tingling on my skin leaves a red mark that doesn't wash away. Incense fogs the room and makes me blind. I wait in silence for a sign that you are listening.

In my chest, I whisper and ask for a new life. For a life that treats me gently. I wish to change my name, I wish to forget. My prayers are always unfulfilled. If there is a god, She doesn't love me.

When I am remade, I will be a tree growing to touch the sky. No fear, no sleep. Just the sun brushing my surface, the wind shaking me loose. I wish to have no thoughts at all. To live a long life, untroubled.

[forestempty]

[forestempty]

I'm miserable here I'm miserable

I just want I want to I just want to leave

I'm making myself miserable you sit in her lap like you didn't say you didn't love her

I love you and I want you and I want I want I want it to be over

[forestempty]

photos from a powercut

[forestempty]

How I love you!

2020.

[forestempty]

collection of angular photographs.

[forestempty]

Drawings of Reyhan.

2018.

[forestempty]

long exposure river (through a prism)

[forestempty]

everything makes me fall in love end everything knocks me over. I'm sure this isn't normal but there's nothing to be done. is it instinct, or something gone awry? looking back I'm not sure if I wanted you at all, or if I just wanted to feel less alone; if my yearning was for you to touch my hands, to sleep on my couch, to tell me you loved me, or if it was simply to be distracted.

[forestempty]

long exposure photos of alistair and his bike light

[forestempty]

body feelings

I want to waste away. there are good days and there are bad days. today I smelled a flower and it felt like eating and like I was being punished and like I was asleep on my feet. if I stand too quickly I think I'll fall. if I stand too quickly I think I'll fall.

I'm not me, not really.