I want to open a wine store and call it Forever31

[foreverthirty1]

Kate Middleton: so actually I have cancer

The entire world:

[foreverthirty1]

Boeing hitman: I mean yeah I can make it appear to be a suicide, and I can guarantee no trace left behind

Boeing executives: ok so you can make it look believable

Hitman: oh god no I didn’t say that

[foreverthirty1]

The USA committed serious war crimes in response to 9/11, and a lot of people I know spoke out about it at the time. That was the right thing to do. It’s still right. I just don’t remember a single person ignoring, dismissing or (my god) defending the heinous acts committed on 9/11 while they did so. The only difference I see is Jewish victims.

It’s been truly devastating to witness so many people come out of the closet.

[foreverthirty1]

It’s long past time for Spotify to have a feature where you can tell it you have young kids and want the algorithms to filter out what is obviously theirs. As lovely as she is, I do not actually do not want Idina Menzel to sing 90% of my curated music. In fact her beautiful voice is already on repeat inside my head 24/7 and I’ve turned to Spotify to cleanse my brain of it. “Does she listen to Idina Menzel nonstop and can’t get enough or does she listen to Elsa on repeat and can’t take much more” it should ask itself. “Does she love Justin Timberlake that much or is he just Branch from the Trolls soundtracks?”

[foreverthirty1]

One need only spend a few hours thoughtfully observing a baby on the cusp of language to realize that what a typical human being wants, more than anything in the world, is just to be understood.

[foreverthirty1]

Me: yeah it just got mish-mashed

Coworker: mix-matched?

Me: …. mish-mashed

Coworker: mish-mashed?

Me: mish-mashed

Coworker: …. mix-matched

Me: mix-matched????

Coworker: mix-matched

Me: mish-mashed

Coworker: what the

Me: omg

[foreverthirty1]

My 3.5 year old: mommy how do you make a rainbow

Me: yeah baby so when light…. um like so when light, when it hits water, so like light is white to begin with, but no it’s actually not because actually so it is lots of different colors all together, and then so ok so it hits the water and it goes all different directions so all those different colors…

My 3.5 year old: is it fairies

Me: yes it’s fairies

[foreverthirty1]

The thing they don’t warn you about having two daughters, as a Millennial, is how many times a day you involuntarily sing the hook from the “Sister, Sister” theme song outloud

[foreverthirty1]

Former Petsmart executive, walking into an all staff meeting on the first day at their new job at Gerber: alright everyone listen up and listen good

[foreverthirty1]

Preschool is like: Monday is water day! Don’t forget to send them in a bathing suit with sunscreen already on and an extra change of clothes! Tuesday is bike day! Bring a whole ass bike and helmet! Wednesday is family photo wall day. You have plenty of printed out family photos laying around right LOL, so just bring them. Can you imagine how unloved your kid will feel if they’re not on the wall?! Thursday is backwards day! Don’t forget to enter the facility walking backwards and sign your name backwards! Friday, as always, is Bring Your Own Exotic Animal Day! Let’s have a great week together! We charge you more than college tuition for this! 😍😍🥰🥰😘😘

[foreverthirty1]

Assassin [shooting me over and over]: oh my GOD why won’t you DIE

[foreverthirty1]

If you don’t realize that trans people are just the scapegoats du jour, you haven’t studied history well enough. And that’s a real shame. Because you and your family might be next. And who will fight for you?

Trans rights are human rights.

To betray our trans friends and family in favor of the easy would be a betrayal of our own humanity.

Fight like hell and fight forever.



[foreverthirty1]

These calorie counting apps need to have a function where you can just select ”I’m a parent of small children” and at the beginning of every day it will just pad in like 200-300 calories for all the cumulative bites of your kids’ food you take throughout the day.

This is not one of my jokes, this is a very serious suggestion. 

[foreverthirty1]

My toddler [accidentally knocked her puzzle off the table everywhere, crying]

Me: baby that’s ok

Me: [crawling all over the floor]

Me: sweetie we are going to just pick these pieces up

Me: and build from the start

Me: lots of people mess up, all the time

Me: we will start all over

Me: and it will be GREAT

Me: we can ALWAYS start over!!

Me: we just have to try!!

Me: it’s ok to start from the beginning

Me: and we—

My toddler: hey mom?

Me: yeah baby

My toddler: ummmm…. I get it

[foreverthirty1]

Funny how the #1 indication of a mass shooter seems to be that EVERYONE WHO KNOWS THEM THOUGHT THEY MIGHT DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS gosh if only there were like a way to do something about that like some sort of check on their background or I dunno

[foreverthirty1]

If you could make more people feel included and connected without excluding or disconnecting a single other person…. why wouldn’t you do that?

Just use people’s pronouns.

Who hurt you?

[foreverthirty1]

“Here’s a list of colors YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LIKE, some very cranky and now dead people who none of us ever met sat down and agreed on them a few decades ago YOU MUST ABIDE BY THIS” oh ok yes how very [gender] “norm” indeed, the rest of us are surely the real weirdos here.