Forget it, I can't explain it @forget-it-i-cant-explain-it - Tumblr Blog

I am hurting so much. Why am I still here ? I just want it to end. You treat her like a queen, with gentle reverence, tenderness and celebration, a kind of love I did not deserve and never received from you. Maybe it is because it was never love as you said. I was just a wound, a trauma bond that you needed to face to move on towards the most healing and fulfilling love you deserve. I was a stepping stone in a muddy creek that brought you to a beautiful waterfall. I am tormented in my days and in my dreams by how happy I am for you and how sad I am for me, my heart fills and breaks at the same time. I realise It is not a one way street. I know I didn’t love you the way you deserved, not because I didn’t want to, but because I wasn’t capable of it. I had never seen healthy love modelled before and I was only just unearthing those truths when you decided you were done with me. For all my failings you didn’t love me the way I deserved either. The difference was I forgave you for your mistakes and I was in it for the long hall. I wanted to learn and to grow together, you made me think you did too. You threw me out like trash without a chance of redemption and built a new life wit her full of tenderness and loyalty you never gave me. I want to rip my heart out most days for still caring. What is this life I have created and why can I not break free of it. I spend my spare moments once again fantasising of ways to end it all. I want this pain and this life to be over. I want to be free.

#jamiehowcouldyou iamdesperateandhurting

miguelmarquezoutside

understands

I don’t know how to do this.

These feelings come back with such force it knocks the breath from my lungs.

One whole year ago that I wrote you on your birthday.

One whole year.

There must be something wrong with me. I am surrounded by voices telling me I should not feel the way I still do. I am ashamed of how pathetic I am.

You seem so happy without me in your life, as if I was a deadweight that held you back from your potential.

She seems so good for you. So good for this world. She lights it up where I have darkened it.

I cant find it in my heart to believe that I will ever feel as alive again.

I am trapped in this body and in this mind, and I don’t want to be anymore.

I find myself fantasising about that night, wishing things had gone differently that I could have been released from this constant pain.

I wish I did not have such a weak stomach, I wish I had been able to keep the pills down. It’s ironic that my sensitive stomach which has plagued me for so long saved me that night.

I wish you had responded to me before then.

I wish I hadn’t made so many fuck ups at every turn.

I wish I had never told the police who you were, then they would have let you in the hospital that night.

The only person I wanted to see.

The shame, the sadness, the anger, the fear the self loathing are too much to bear.

I just want to be free, I don’t want this life anymore. It’s not for me.

mocha-latte

You don’t know pain until you have to force your heart to stop loving somebody.

blossomfully

“But did you not notice how I laughed at your jokes?” She said. “I do not think I would have laughed so much if they had come from anybody else. I was trying to tell you that I loved you.”

Sue Zhao // Nothing but Strawberries

#suezhao #blossumfully #writer #love #lovequotes

Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.

Ernest Hemingway

#ernest hemingway #hemingway #writers #famousquotes #inspirational quotes