Mom before we try to salvage a relationship ,
I need to share what has happened to me since you last saw me.
Starting from when we last talked , March 2015 when Dad and yourself believed I stole Dad’s stuff. Even though I told you two where to locate it. When you two found it, all was said was you guys found it. No apologies, just informing me that it was found and that I was no longer suspected.
That event shattered us…..
Felt my parents only saw me as an gay meth addict. Was tired of trying to keep a relationship with a family that never wanted to know what his son‘s life was about because they only saw it as a ‘choice’. When opening up about my feeling ,my experiences, my life and would make you all uncomfortable. My life was no longer something I could share with you all.
I cried and mourn the death of the family in order to move on. “I guess I am no longer a becton.”
The guys in NM time tried to help me through the pain and lost of family. The relationship took a turn for the worse and I left. Having nowhere to go I manage to get a room setup in a drug den Denver(August ’16). I struggled with depression , suicide and addiction for months. Was so feeling worthless and broken numbing out with meth.
One day, tweaked out decided to slice my wrist with a razor and knife. Knowing no one would miss a useless tweaker like me. As I bled out into a towel (so not to leave a big mess) I found my value.
Manage to get myself to ER and they took me to detox/ suicide watch. The only way to be release was to call my biological family. I did everything I could not to call you but the state of Colorado demanded it, so I did. I went back to using with a few drug centered relationships shortly after.
I had another mental breakdown after a fail attempt of getting a friend to be sober with me and ended up using after a three weeks of being “dry”. Broken, I cried for what seemed for all eternity. Curled up into a ball with my big stuffed bear ugly crying and rocking. A voice shouted in my head seeming to come from the darkness:
I found my spirituality...
My spirituality helped me become sober by giving me the strength to leave the drug den.
April 24 2017 I became homeless.
With the help of a friend I was able to get enrolled in to the VA homeless program. I was there for two months. During that time I was the happiest I have ever been. I learned so much about who I am and managed to gain a lot of healing from my time in the shelter.
I found myself in the shelter.
My prayers are answered and I get a job and had a great place to live ( green valley ranch).
I was head of security for a gay bear bar that has now shut down. Working there managed to do some great work for my community. I disband one organizations for drugs and crippled another organization for promoting rape culture . I had a dream of unify Denver’s queer community. I was close too, till a poly-relationship derailed me from my plans.
On the promise of love and family I dropped my perfect life for the poly relationship. Learned that “wanting a family” was a weak point for the ringleader of that poly relationship to exploit. I left that circus soon later.
I learned how to stand up for myself in a relationship.
My values were galvanized during that experience.
During that circus I called a relationship, I found him. The man of my dreams. When the circus relationship fell apart Bryce was there to help me. He saved me from ended my life. I felt like I had no one on the this earth till he came into my life.
Byrce and I are happy and continue to grow more in love everyday. He is supportive, loving, empathetic, compassionate, fun, and genuine and look forward to spending my life with him.
But those are highlights there is so much more but don’t want to make you more uncomfortable.
This was a struggle to write. Every time I want to reach out or respond I remember all the times you weren’t there for me in my adult life. Not for my rape, PTSD , trips to the hospital , Mental wards, relationships, break ups, and successes . And the times you were , you have hurt me in ways only a parent could.
My adult life has never been easy but it is mine. I don’t need someone to judge me or give me “life advice”. I learned I can’t open up or share with my bio family. I don’t want or need anything from you or dad.
I love you all and grateful for the good memories I have and for raising me. But what do you want from me ? Tyrone Lovette Becton is no longer who am ,wanting him back is like wanting a ghost.
My name is Samuel T Fenix and if you want know about me then all you have to do is ask. But if we are going to keep dancing around feelings and pretend everything is okay then I will just disappear.
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
ellievsbear
andulkaphoto
theartofmadeline
areudirty
origamiaround
pixelskylines
snowghoul
