forgotten wonderwall

"aku menulis untuk mendengarkan"

[forgottenotes]

Baby Blues Syndrome. Haruskah?

Saya baru saja dimasukkan kembali ke dalam sebuah grup wa yang isinya teman-teman menulis saya dulu (dulu saya keluar karena tidak bisa mengikuti alur percakapan yang random). Salah seorang teman baru saja melahirkan, lantas ia bercerita kalau dirinya sedang mengalami Baby Blues Syndrome. Hal serupa juga didengungkan oleh beberapa teman lainnya yang anaknya kini sudah masuk TK dan ada juga yang baru berumur satu tahun. 

Apa itu Baby Blues Syndrome (BBS)? Apakah ia terjadi pada semua ibu yang baru melahirkan? 

BBS adalah kumpulan gejala berupa rasa letih, khawatir, sedih yang umumnya terjadi pada perempuan yang baru saja melahirkan. Gangguan ini terjadi karena perubahan hormon--zat kimia ajaib ini memang paling bisa disalahkan atas ketidakstabilan emosi perempuan-- yang mengakibatkan ibu baru menjadi lebih sensitif; mudah menangis dan mudah marah-marah. Tapi hal ini wajar terjadi pada 80% ibu baru dan berlangsung dalam masa dua minggu setelah melahirkan. 

Yang saya ingin tekankan di sini, mengalami BBS bukan lah sebuah achievement atau suatu kebanggaan sebagai ibu. Dalam wag itu, saya menimpali bahwa saya tidak mengalami yang namanya BBS. Terus salah satu teman saya nyeletuk, “ Ih, kenapa bisa? Jagomu itu. Justrur bagus kalau BBS, artinya kau concern dengan peranmu sebagai ibu”. 

MAKSUDMU, BECCE? 

Pernyataan judgemental itu entah kenapa rasanya jadi trigger buat saya. Saya jadi ingin menulis hal ini. Jadi maksudnya saya tidak concern dengan peran saya sebagai ibu? Tidak mengalami atau mengklaim dirinya BBS bukan berarti saya tidak merasa sedih, khawatir, cemas, letih, atau apapun itu tentang segala hal yang ada sangkut pautnya dengan anak saya. Oh, jangan salah, sejak saya tahu saya hamil sampai sekarang dan mungkin sampai nanti, saya masih khawatir akan masa depan anak saya, masih meraba-raba dalam gelap untuk belajar jadi ibu yang lebih baik, masih sedih jika harus menyerahkan anak sendiri ke orang lain untuk diasuh, dsb. Kemudian apakah tidak mengalami BBS lantas mengurangi nilai saya sebagai seorang ibu? 

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? 

Kenapa saya bilang saya tidak mengalami BBS? Because i cherish my child and i know if i show any negative emotion my child will know. Satu-satunya ketika saya menangis dan depresi pasca melahirkan adalah ketika anak saya harus menginap satu malam di rumah sakit untuk menjalani fototerapi. Iya, air susu saya sedikit. Tidak perlu saya beritahu betapa merasa berdosa, bersalah, dan betapa saya merasa gagal menjadi seorang ibu saat itu. I cried myself to sleep in my husband arm that night. 

Tapi kemudian setelah itu saya sadar bahwa bersedih terus menerus itu tidak pernah baik. Khawatir selalu ada hanya saja khawatir pada hal yang belum terjdi adalah perkara sia-sia. Saya berdamai diri saya saat itu yang tidak bisa atau tidak tahu menghasilkan air susu buat anak saya. Mungkin saya mengalami BBS, mungkin juga tidak. Tapi apakah itu adalah sebuah masalah? Apakah tidak mendeklarasikan diri mengalami BBS menjadikan saya ibu yang buruk? 

Hai wanita, kita punya cara masing-masing untuk menghadapi perubahan besar dalam hidup kita. Menjadi seorang ibu adalah keputusan terbesar seorang perempuan dalam hidupnya. Saya mengerti kalau tidak semua perempuan di luar sana ingin punya anak. Menjadi ibu berarti mengorbankan sebagian diri kamu demi tumbuh-kembang anakmu. Tidak ada lagi badan yang ideal, waktu, tenaga, dan uang untuk dinikmati sendiri ataupun bersama pasangan menjadi berkurang, dan lain-lain, dan lain-lain. Lelah fisik dan mental menjadi hal yang lumrah, kadang anak bisa membuatmu hampir gila.

Tidak ada ibu yang buruk, selama ia membesarkan anaknya dengan penuh kasih sayang (s&k berlaku) . Tidak peduli apakah ia mengalami BBS atau tidak. 

Yang banyak itu adalah orang-orang yang toxic, menghakimi dan menjatuhkan sesamanya di balik hal yang ia anggap candaan. Orang-orang seperti ini, ketika yang seharusnya dilakukan adalah saling mendukung dan menguatkan, justru bisa merendahkan seseorang sedalam-dalamnya. 

Semoga kamu jadi teman yang toxic saja ya, jangan jadi ibu yang toxic juga. Kasian anakmu kalau harus hidup dalam penghakimanmu sepanjang tumbuh kembangnya. Teman yang toxic bisa ditinggalkan. Ibu yang toxic? Meh... 

[forgottenotes]

Voor Azra

Aku merayakan kelahiranmu  ketika tangis pertamamu pecah saat kau diangkat dari rahimku.

Menangislah!  Menangislah yang kencang!  Sekencang-kencangnya! Karena begitupun cinta yang kau terima!. Sekeras-kerasnya!  Karena hidup tidak akan lembek padamu! Sekuat-kuatnya!  Agar kelak ketika jatuh kau selalu bisa bangkit!

Tapi setelahnya selalu  ingat untuk berhenti Sebagaimana selalu ingat untuk pulang kembali Suatu hari kau melangkah pergi Kau tahu aku akan selalu menanti

Tapi untuk sekarang Biarkan aku menimangmu sekali lagi

[forgottenotes]

Perkara Lupa

Bagaimana cara menghapus sebuah ciuman?

Bagaimana cara menghapus sebuah ciuman yang lembut di pagi hari dengan hangatnya mentari?

Bagaimana cara menghapus sebuah ciuman yang dilakukan sembunyi-sembunyi, di sebuah tikungan yang terjadi secara tiba-tiba?

Bagaimana cara menghapus sebuah ciuman yang basah oleh air mata, yang bisa mengubah kesedihan menjadi gelak tawa?

Bagaimana cara menghapus sebuah ciuman yang panjang ketika kita saling meleburkan inti atom masing-masing?

Bagaimana caranya menghapus sebuah ciuman yang tidak direncanakan, terjadi begitu saja, dan meninggalkan kesan yang tidak akan pernah bisa dilupakan?

Bagaimana cara menghapus ciuman ketika aku menutup mata dan merasakanmu, ketika kulit yang kukecup bukan bibirmu?

Bahkan setelah ratusan yang lainnya telah kulewati, aku akan selalu mengingat sebuah potongan cerita ketika bibir kita pertama kali bertemu. Dalam kepalaku, ia seperti film lama yang kerap berulang, lagi dan lagi. Aku mencoba menciptakan momen yang seperti itu, tapi tidak pernah seperti ketika bersamamu.

Mungkin suatu saat kita akan kembali mengingat bagaimana rasanya mencintai seperti itu.

[forgottenotes]

Jakarta, 4 September 2016

Itu adalah potongan tinta pertama di surat yang kau berikan setahun yang lalu. Entah bagaimana ceritanya sampai saya menemukan lembaran surat cintamu itu terselip di antara lembaran buku yang saya hendak baca beberapa hari yang lalu. Maafkan saya, sesungguhnya saya tidak mau membuka cerita lama, tapi sungguh, saya membaca kembali kalimat demi kalimat dalam surat itu–satu-satunya surat yang pernah kau tuliskan untuk saya, dan saya– membecinya.

“Benci” adalah kata yang kuat. Saya berusaha sekuat mungkin tidak pernah menggunakan kata itu. Tapi saya tidak tahu lagi bagaimana membahasakan perasaan saya terhadap suratmu itu. Saya membencinya. Tiap kata, tiap kalimat. Tiap goresan pena di atasnya.

Jadi apa? Saya hendak menyingkirkannya. Kemudian saya mengingat surat-surat yang pernah saya kirimkan padamu dan demi Tuhan, saya sungguh sangat ingin membakar surat-surat itu semua sebagaimana saya ingin membakar suratmu.

Saya benci surat-surat yang pernah saya tuliskan untukmu. Bagaimana saya menumpahkan semuanya dan begitu terbuka dan begitu rapuh padamu menceritakan segala-galanya pada satu-satunya yang paling saya percaya di muka bumi, lebih dari apapun.

Singkat cerita, saya harap kamu mengerti kenapa sekarang saya membenci suratmu, surat-suratku, sebagaimana saya merasa membenci diri saya saat ini.

Saya membenci diri saya yang masih bersamamu hingga saat ini.

Sangat mudah meminta seseorang melupakan semuanya terkait hal yang tidak menimpa dirimu. Ini sudah terlalu lama dan dipertemukan kembali dengan itu semua, membuat saya ingat kalau ada luka yang tidak akan pernah benar-benar sembuh. Ini seperti gigi yang busuk, kau tahu? Ada di sana berlobang di sana sini dan satu-satunya yang bisa dilakukan selain menambalnya dan menjaganya agar tidak berlubang makin besar, yang berarti ia butuh perawatan ekstra.

Padahal hidup bukan hanya sekedar mengurusi gigi yang buruk. Akan lebih mudah jika ia dicabut saja sehingga tidak melulu menyebabkan nyeri kronis berkepanjangan.

Ah, sudahlah. Kamu tahu apa? Bukan kamu yang merasakan sakitnya dikhianati oleh satu-satunya yang paling kau percaya di dunia ini.

Jadi saya juga merasa kamu tidak akan pernah mengerti bagaimana dampaknya pada diri saya, pada bagaimana saya memandang dunia, terutama bagaimana saya terhadapmu.

Bagaimana setiap apa atau siapa dari masa itu yang muncul ibarat garam di atas luka yang basah, perih, ia kembali berdarah. Saya melupakan semuanya, di banyak waktu. Percayalah saya tidak mau mengingat-ingat segala yang menyakitkan.

Untuk beberapa waktu, saya benar-benar lupa. Tapi setiap sekedip saja saya bertemu dengan hal terkait yang dulu, sakitnya tetap sama. Saya akan kembali menjadi sinis dan memasang tembok tinggi dan.. ini hal yang tidak akan benar-benar pergi.

Lihat apa yang telah kamu perbuat? Lihat bagaimana kamu mengubah saya menjadi pribadi yang saya benci.

Kamu pernah bertanya, “tidak bisakah kita bersama saja dan bahagia terus-terus? Tidak bisakah kamu percaya kita bisa seperti itu?”

Jika kamu menjadi diriku, bisakah kamu hidup dengan normal dan baik-baik saja dengan orang yang sama yang telah membawa kehancuran padamu?

Saya yakin kamu tidak bisa. Jadi bagaimana mungkin kamu meminta saya melakukan hal yang sama untukmu?

Nyatanya telah saya lakukan dengan keinginan untuk percaya bahwa orang yang sama itu ingin benar ingin berubah dan bahwa ia bisa menjadi lelaki yang lebih baik,untuk dirinya sendiri.

Tentang sakit hati saya, saya memikirkan cara terbaik bagaimana agar kau bisa menebus dosa-dosamu itu. Tapi nyatanya saya berhenti percaya bahwa bahkan kau bisa memperbaiki apa yang sudah kau rusak. Maafkan saya mengatakan ini padamu, tapi inilah kenyataannya; apapun kebaikan yang telah atau akan kau lakukan untuk saya, tidak ada satupun yang bisa mengobati luka di masa lalu.

Sebanarnya saya ingin satu hal, tapi selalu kau tolak. Saya ingin ketika emosi saya tidak stabil seperti ini, ketika ingatan-ingatan yang buruk kembali datang, saya ingin kau ada di sana dan berbicara dengan saya. Menerimanya, termasuk jika saya harus memuntahkan sakit hati saya kepadamu, ketimbang menghindar dari itu. Saya ingin kamu merasakan sakit hati saya, semata-mata agar kamu mengerti akibatnya buat saya. Tapi apa? Yang kau katakan selalu adalah untuk melupakan semuanya termasuk tidak membicarakannya.

Kau tahu sayang, itu cara yang buruk untuk sembuh. Saya akan merasa kau lari dari tanggung jawabmu dan kau menolak bahwa diriku yang buruk ini adalah akibat dari salahmu. Akibatnya adalah saya akan kembali memendam semuanya dan ketika saya punya kesempatan, ia akan menjadi sinis dan dingin yang menjengkelkan.

Saya tidak pernah mau ingat dengan sengaja. Tapi, kira-kira, siapa yang bisa lupa? Coba kau tanyakan ayahmu bagaimana sakit hatinya, kau sendiri yang bilang ia tidak pernah minum sebelumnya. Kira-kira apa katanya kalau tahu kamu berbuat hal yang telah mematahkan hati ayahmu dulu?

Kamu tidak bisa memperbaikinya, tapi setidaknya kamu bisa ikut merasakan sakit hati saya. Untuk apa? Apakah agar kamu merasa bersalah? Bukan. Supaya kau bisa bersimpati sedikit sehingga membuatmu kembali berpikir jika hendak mengulang hal yang sama. Setidaknya saya tahu kamu ada.

Jadi jika semua perbuatan baikmu atau bahkan jika kau merasa perlu bertahan bersama saya dan bersabar menahan diri menghadapi emosi saya yang naik turun hanya agar dirimu bisa menebus dosa; lupakan saja. Buat apa kita bersama kalau begitu? Kau bilang itu cinta? Bukan. Itu adalah tindakan egoismu lainnya agar merasa dirimu sudah baik, padahal yang kau lakukan adalah menambah kerusakan.

Saya berterimakasih atas semua usahamu untuk menunjukkan bahwa kau telah berubah, benar bukan dirimu yang dulu dan tidak akan kembali seperti itu.

Selamat ulangtahun. Saya tidak punya apa-apa yang bisa diberikan selain kejujuran yang baru saja saya utarakan.

Boleh saya meminta sesuatu?

Tolong pikir kembali apa alasan dirimu masih bertahan dengan saya. Kalau hanya sebagai upaya untuk memperbaiki yang kau rusak, maka itu akan sia-sia.

Apa benar kamu mencintai saya? Karena seringnya saya merasa tidak demikian. Maksudku, jika benar demikian maka kau tidak akan berbuat seperti yang dulu.

Jadi sebenarnya, alasan kenapa saya selalu sinis adalah karena satu hal dalam diri saya merasa kalau kau tidak punya perasaan sama sekali. Tentu saja, dimana hatimu ketika kau terang-terangan dan begitu bahagia menipu saya bertahun-tahun? Dimana perasaanmu ketika bersumpah atas nama anakmu-yang-belum-lahir dan kau ingkari dengan nyata? Dimana perasaanmu ketika .. ah sudahlah. Jadi saya merasa sinis saya tidak akan berpengaruh apa-apa terhadapmu.

Selamat ulangtahun. Saya akan menerima semuanya dan akan selalu berusaha untuk mengabaikan keraguan di masa datang ataupun keinginan untuk kembali sinis.

Itu jika kita masih punya masa depan.

[forgottenotes]

Isi Kepala yang Ribut

Isi kepala yang ribut.sekarang sudah pukul 3 pagi? Dan walaupun kelopak mata teramat sangat berat, tapi otak ini tak juga bisa diistirahatkan. Terlalu banyak yang berkecamuk dalam situ. Terlalu banyak suara-suara yang mengganggu. Sakit kepala psikologis yang kronis. Rasanya mengoyak-ngoyak saraf pusat. VAS 11, jika ada. Aku rindu teman kecilku yang baik hati yang selalu bisa menenangkan--setidaknya membuat tidur. Ah, haruskah kusuntikkan morfin agar sakitnya tak terasa? Atau agar dibawa high sekalian, supaya otak ini bisa membayangkan yang indah-indah saja, tapi selalu gagal. haruskah diberikan haloperidol 3 miligram lima kali sehari supaya ini otak berhenti sekitar sedetik saja, supaya bisa kutemukan sedikit ke-damai-an yang menenangkan hati ? Sebenarnya bisa saja aku berkendara dengan jendela terbuka dengan kecepatan 40km per jam di jalan bebas hambatan, dan dengan rima dan irama yang selalu ada, selalu sama. Tapi tidak bisa, ini sudah begitu larut. Apa yang bisa aku lakukan? 

Oi suara-suara, berhentiko.

Suara-suara kecil ini tak henti berbunyi, dan isinya, tak satupun yang menenangkan. Semua hanya tuntutan, rengekan, kenapa begini? Kenapa begitu? Kenapa parah sekali? Bagaimana kalau begini? Bagaimana kalau begitu? Tak ada yang beres. Tak ada yang memberi solusi. Masalah masalah masalah. Dan semuanya hanya berkata-kata. Hey, jika kata-kata adalah yang aku butuhkan, kalian tidak perlu ada sama sekali. Kata-kata tak menjadikan semuanya nyata. Begitu kan ? uh, masa depan tak terlihat menyenangkan.

Suara kipas angin terdengar sebagai monster. Kipas angin yang kuharap bisa mengusir rasa gerah yang kukira juga psikologis. Semua pakai baju tebal dan bersarung, dengan hidung mampet dan semuanya saling merapatkan diri agar merasa hangat. Tapi mengapa yang kurasa hanya gerah yang teramat sangat? Hari ini sepi, seandainya ada hujan yang turun, mungkin tidak separah begini.

Seandainya ada hujan yang turun, mungkin bisa memadamkan suara-suara yang memuakkan. Suara-suara yang tak henti-hentinya berteriak histeris. Suara-suara kekhawatiran, suara-suara panik, ketakutan, malu, serbasalah. Tanggungjawab moral yang menuntut haknya, isak reruntuhan yang berserakan, bekas luka yang tak pernah kering,. Ya ya ya.

Kemarin itu hari cerah, tak ada hujan, tapi dengan membawa dirinya dalam ingatan dan kesan yang membekas erat di hati, semuanya jadi tak masalah. Semuanya jadi ringan. Suara-suara tak ada yang terdengar. Tak ada hujan, hanya matahari menemani, dan dirinya. Tapi aku merasa ceria? Ini tidak normal. Tidak. Terlalu banyak anomaly yang memaksa keluar dari zona amanku.

Begitulah. Kemarin itu ada dirinya. Ketika tak ada lagi dia, kegilaan itu datang lagi. Tidak cukupkah dengan segala macam harta karun dalam ingatan yang berkesan di hati? Harusnya cukup. Tidak boleh tidak. Tidak boleh lebih. Ini tidak sehat. Tidak ada yang sehat. Karena sudah keluar dari zona aman, aduh, tanpa dia kini tidak terasa aman lagi.Rasa insekyur ini salah. Tidak boleh ada. Tapi bagaimana caranya untuk lupa? 

Aku mendengar diriku sendiri dalam kegelapan, “tidak bisakah di hadapan satu orang saja, kau tunjukkan kalau kau juga rapuh? berhenti untuk keras hati dan menjalani ini saja tanpa takut mati? ”

Sekarang kutahu jawabnya, kalau bertanya bisa tidaknya, tentu saja bisa, apalagi dengan keinginan meledak-ledak tiap dekat, menjadi rapuh adalah satu-satunya yang masuk akal. Tapi ini adalah masa-masa sulit, dan kerapuhan, hampir menemani setiap saat. apa satu orang itu ada setiap saat? tidak. Merasa punya tempat bergantung, hey, kubenci itu. itu jawabanku. Mengapa aku bergantung pada dia yang sudah menikamku dari belakang? 

Tanya ulang diriku, “bisakah kau memaafkan dan melupakan semuanya?”

Dengan tegas, kujawab tidak boleh.

Aku akan memaafkan tentu, tapi melupakan adalah perkara lain. Yang aku tahu, aku tidak mati dan aku akan menjadi lebih kuat, lebih keras. Jadi kuat itu tidak boleh bercelah. Jadi kuat itu tidak boleh setengah-setengah. Bagaikan sebuah bendungan perasaan yang besar, kalau ada kebocoran setitik saja, bisa menyebabkan kebocoran di tempat-tempat lain. Kalau kubiarkan rapuh sekali saja, maka ia akan rapuh setiap saat. tidak boleh begitu. 

Tidak boleh. 

TIDAK BOLEH. 

Aku pernah membiarkan diriku bergantung padanyadan apa? Dia memotong tali itu dan membuatku jatuh ke jurang terdalam. Aku ingin percaya bahwa dia kembali menolongku, bahwa dia akan tetap di sana dan menopangku dan tidak lagi melepaskanku atau dengn sengaja mendorongku dari belakang, aku ingin begitu, mencintai tanpa syarat, lagi. 

Aku ingin begitu karena itu hal yang baik. Untuk memaafkan dan kembali mencintai. Tapi aku hanya punya satu nyawa lagi, kali ini, biarkan aku menjaganya dalam lemari besi. 

Maka, ketika keinginan untuk rapuh itu datang lagi, ketika suara-suara yang menganggu itu datang lagi, ketika morfin dibutuhkan dalam jumlah massive, ketika dada disesakkan dengan segala ketidakpastian, berharap akan hal yang bisajadi atau bisatidak, kemana akan berpaling ?

Tumpahkan semuanya di atas kertas. Tumpahkan, lalu buang jauh-jauh. Buang. Buang. Buang. Memang tak lebih baik, tapi ketika esok tiba dan kubaca lagi, aku tahu kalau aku masih tetap baik-baik saja.

[forgottenotes]

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencoba mengerti bagaimana caranya kau tidur di malam hari, ketika kau dengan telah sadar menjilati ludahmu dalam sumpah serapah yang kau ucapkan sendiri. Apakah rasamu telat mati bersama kata-kata yang menguap di udara? Pantaskah kau disebut lelaki ketika tak kau tepati janji? Aku ingin tahu bagaimana kau bisa terlihat begitu tenang ketika yang kau lakukan sepanjang hari adalah mengada-adakan tentang sesuatu yang tidak pernah ada, mengarang detail demi detail yang penuh tipu daya, hidup dalam realita palsu yang kau ciptakan sendiri. Hai, sebusuk apa dirimu hingga kau merasa perlu bermandikan wewangian imaji belaka? Aku ingin tahu bagaimana kau bisa tetap hidup dan mengharapkan untuk selalu dicintai dan dipercaya ketika hal yang selalu kau lakukan adalah berkhianat dan penuh kemarahan. Aku ingin tahu bagaimana kau bisa menuntut untuk dihormati ketika yang satu-satunya paling baik kau lakukan adalah merendahkan harga dirimu sendiri, sebagai lelaki dan manusia. Lebih baik kau mati saja. ***** Aku ingin seperti itu, tetap melakukan yang aku sukai tanpa peduli orang lain, kamu, siapapun yang peduli padaku. Aku akan menipu, berbohong, mengecewakan, menghilang, menyakiti, mengkhianati tanpa perlu peduli kerusakan yang ditimbulkannya. Aku ingin selalu bahagia dan seenaknya memainkan perasaan pria, tak peduli jika cintanya tulus dan tak layak diperlakukan seperti sampah. Aku ingin seperti itu, menikmati kesenangan dunia tanpa pernah merasa terbebani dengan rasa bersalah yang menggerogoti dalam dada, yang menyayat-nyayat tulang dan daging dalam setiap seyum palsu, harapan palsu, janji palsu, air mata palsu, ketulusan palsu, dan cinta palsu. Aku ingin seperti itu, selalu punya cerita tentang sesuatu yang tidak pernah ada karena kehidupan nyata begitu menyedihkan dan membosankan. Aku tak mau drama tapi aku menciptakan drama ku sendiri dimana aku menjadi tokoh utamanya dan yang lain hanya figuran. Aku ingin terlihat selalu hebat dan luar biasa karena pengakuan itu menyenangkan, tanpa perlu merasa buruk karena menciptakan hormat, kekaguman, pengakuan, pertemanan, dan ketulusan akan diriku yang palsu. Aku ingin terlihat selalu suci di matamu, jadi aku menciptakan diriku yang setia, loyal, tidak ingkar janji, teraniaya, seseorang yang percaya diri dan terbaik dari kaumnya, padahal yang aku lakukan adalah menggsdaikan harga diri dan kehormatanku pada setiap lelaki yang menikmati sela pahaku. Aku ingin seperti dirimu, maka aku lakukan. Kemudian aku ingin mati saja.

[forgottenotes]

Papa

Besok Papa akan pergi. Saya merasa sedih. Saya belum bisa berbuat banyak. Saya mengecewakan dan ini akan menjadi penyesalan terbesar saya tentu. 

Pertama, mari kita bahas rasa bersalah. Di satu sisi saya ingin menyangkal bahwa papa sakit karena saya. Sungguh, itu penyesalan terbesar dan beban berat yang harus saya tanggung. Saya ingin merasa tidak punya andil apa-apa di sana, bahwa papa sakit karena tidak pernah minum obat dan tidak mengendalikan makanannya. Tapi juga adalah kenyataan, bahwa hubungan kami sedang renggang ketika papa diserang penyakitnya. 

I was so mad and pissed at him, i cursed him for the things he put me through, i was so mad because he didn’t approve my relationship with my bf just because his guts told him he’s not good for me, which was true all along. We didn’t spoke for weeks after that and ... the next thing i know he was rushed to the hospital. 

When we finally talked, he’s not his old self. He’s changed. The father i used to know is no longer exist.

I looked at him and i tried but i can’t find my dad anywhere. No more strong arms that lifted me up to bed when i fell asleep in front of tele, no more laughs full of pride everytime he spoke of something. No more strong legs that used to walk me to the nearest store to buy me ice cream. 

I talked to him about my concern in full of tears and all he cares about was just that fucking remote. 

He cares nothing now than to sleep and to watch tv. He only talks to me everytime he needs to poo or to pee. I tried to make a conversation but he sees me in a fright, afraid i might hurt him.

i did yell at him for being so lazy. i am not proud of it. i have stopped being mad and crazy for him, but i still force him to have his exercise. and he avoided me because of it. All day he slept in his bed, pretending to be fall asleep so that no one will ask him to exercise. 

He listens to no one, cried with no reason, withdraw when asked to exercise. i saw him and i see a look of a lost puppy in his eyes. 

it’s a sad eyes, and my dad still nowhere to be found.

I regrets that i was having bad thoughts about him moment before he fell ill. i know everyone is blaming me. they did told me over and over and over again. i was the source of every misfortune in the house. i know, i know. 

he’ll be gone tomorrow, and i am still as bad as a daughter could be. i am sorry. 

[forgottenotes]

That kind of conversation you have with old friends trying to catch up the passing 12 years~ For him, i was the same school girl who come knocking on his door in the afternoon with her gang, spending evening and asking for free tickets for every game he played 😝 Forever i will be that one little girl who kept asking for autographs on every chance she got, despite the numerous amount of it in her place 😄 Can't wait to meet you, capt~ One last shoot, ya! 😊

[forgottenotes]

All Things Shall Pass.

It's been a long time since the last time i met my shrink. In another skype session today, she asked about my progress to overcome my depression. I said I'm still doing some running, some exercise, and writing regularly, although most of it were shit and full of anger and just so dull. She said it's good to have a routine, something to keep me being busy. I said I'm getting tired of this life. I know, for her it seems like it's a suicidal thoughts, but no, i just want to runaway somewhere. Do i meet new people? No, my circumstances didn't allow me to. I'm still jobless and these recent events almost drove me to another mental breakdown. She asked how am i doing with my partner. I said we just only one step away to say goodbye, just that one word and everything will come to an end. And how do i feel about it? I should be happy, because then i can move along with my life and having someone who won't let me down and ignore me and put me in such a bad state. but I'm feeling a void and a craving I can't explain. I wanted to cry but I'm too tired to feel sad. I wasn't in my best performance and i feel empty and to think about my wasted years in loving someone who only knows how to hurt me is such a failure, it's an embarassment i should accept. I told her the recent event. I told her that i asked him to come unexpectedly because I thought he'd be there in times of needed. His answer "I can't,. We didn't plan for this. I don't want to meet your family. You ruined my rest. I don't want to meet you" in rude ways. I was disappointed mostly to myself, and hurt by the fact he didn't want me around. I ruined his rest? He's ruined my life yet i never refuse to see him! I was so hurt that i stop talking to him. My ignorance means that i was already come to the point where i won't let myself took anymore bullets for someone who only knows how to run and didn't do anything but for himself. My shrink asked me if there's any good thing he ever done to me, to make me feel that this is the man i want for my life? The only good thing is that he respected my wish to wait until our marriage, if that were going to happen. She asked me if i still want to keep this relationship. Truth is, i do not know. I was so hurt and I don't want to make a decision in this state. What makes me think that I don't want this man in my life now? Why now, after all the wrong he did? Because i do not want to spend my life with a man who didn't even want me to be with him. Because this man only argue to win not to understand each other situation, because this man was always protecting himself and damaging things knowing this relationship were built by us. He used to protect himself by lying about being loyal, about his background, about almost everything because he knew he was never good, that he's a cheater and a liar. Now he's protecting himself by turning his back on the things he claimed he cared for. I was never his priority. I don't want to be with a man who only wants to meet me in his own schedule. Hell i don't even know that we should make an appointment to meet our significant other. It's clear now he's not ready to make a commitment, he's not ready to build a family. He didn't care that I've been going through the same bullies like he has, every fucking day, i took the beating, i defended him in his absence, i am in a treatment for depression, yet i have to still function as a loving caring girlfriend for a man who once cheated on her, who destroyed her trust and made her feel worthless and unwanted. He even claimed i didn't fight for him. It's hurt. I did everything yet what did i get? My problem is bigger yet i never complain ot reject him in any way, even if i want to. And what he did? He rejected me only to protect himself from being bullied because the things he brought upon himself? I told him once not to brag about his "fiction" salary, yet he kept talking on big mouth. Now look what he's done. Yet he won't admit that it's his fault. He hurt me only to protect his ego. I hurt myself and everything only to protect him, to make him look good while we both know he's not. I'm done doing it. I have failed myself. I have disappointed my life. All those fighting and trying and nights full of tears didn't seem to come to an end. It's just another heartache and heartbreak over and over and over and over again. Do you regret meeting him? She asked. My shrink only asking questions until i wanted to hear her opinion. She made me trust her and comfortable with her because she ain't judging and she says not the words i wanted to hear, but harsh truth or sour and sweet facts. I told her i regret nothing, that i accept if I brought this to myself. What will i do now? She asked. Have a finally come to decision to end this relationship? I said I dont know because clearly I'm still in love with this man. I cried. She changed the subject. How am i dealing with my father illness? I told her I'm giving up to make him better physically. He's tired of all those exercise and treatment that only hurt him. I'm sick of hearing everyone being mad at him and beating him when he won't do a thing. To me, he's only a vessel with a soul of a child. I know he's still my dad but he's not the same rational tough and patience dad i used to know. All i do was cleaning his shit and feed him and talk to him and drove him somewhere he wanted to go, but i will not do anything to help him because he didn't want it. Because then I'll lose my temper with him and i ended up making him my punching bag for every misery i had. I hate that I've done that to him, And I don't want that. I swore i will not treat him bad. So it's better for me to keep my distance now since i myself was being so low. How am i dealing with my mom ? I've always minimise my interactions with her. But she knew that I've been avoiding her and sometimes i talk to her but I didn't look at her. Last week, she blew up three times. I took all the beatings and i took all the bruises to defend someone i do not longer wish to love. I'm tired of making stories about how loyal and good and hardworking someone i know was unfaithful and rude and procrastinate everything. Why the hell did i want to take bruises for someone who's ungrateful and only thinking about himself? Up to this point, my shrink asked me, do i wanted to hear her opinion? It's her style, talking only when i allowed her to. I said yes. And she said that ... What she said was beautiful. She said many things and she kept reminding me that every advice and suggestions she said will only work if i allow it. If i wanted to believe it. Because there is no one else who could help myself but me, she said. That i should have faith in God some more, that i should think what's the best for me. She was always told me to put myself above other since I've been spending my entire life fulfilling someone else's dreams while i abandoned mine. That's why i was always unhappy. "It's okay to accept things we cannot change, but change the things we cannot accept." I'm starting to cry again. She asked if i still had my meds, i said yes. I never took it for many months. She suggests i took it if i need it, she said i looked like shit. She said it's okay if i wanted to cry, if i wanted to die, but i must not show those around me that i was having a hard times. Another broken heart is bad for the house, she said. I ended the session. I thought it was hard, but write it all out again was harder. Tonight I'm going to meet my old friends, keeping me asleep because i don't want to spend another night in bed full of tears.

[forgottenotes]

looking back at our 17s, i have stopped counting. but so far, this is where i stand. I’m writing this in order to flush out all the bad about the past, so that i won’t have to bringing it up again. PS, i love you.

I was only 25 when I met him. I was recovering from a heartbreak that I took every passing chance that I might get another love. He came along, so charming and full of himself. He’s smart and bright and he looked like someone who’s going to be something for the next 5-10 years. He got a lot of potential and also very promising. Now I’m going 28 and I am convincing myself that this is the man I wanted to marry.

I got an instant crush on him on the third day of our encounters. Just by a look from his eyes and I fell down on my knees. The next thing I know I declared how I feel that I wanted us to be more than just flirty friends, and he said yes.

IT all happened quickly and we’re so distant, I missed all the red flags along the way. He had some issues, he’s a temperament man, but at first I thought I was because of his stressed at work. He was never available and was always ignorant, and when he was confronted, he’ll get all impulsive and defensive and denied everything, he’ll do gaslighting and blaming things to me, as a way to distract me from the truth that he’s been unfaithful. But I accept everything. We rarely see each other but I put my trust and faith in him. I have no doubt of everything he said. We had the same circle of friends is another reason why I never do a background check on him.

He met my family, he come and visits me sometimes, and we had our times. Yet deep down I know something was off, but I can never tell. My gut always told me that I should not believe this man and I always ignore that. Until one day I finally found what he kept hidden in his drawer. But I believed him, I believe every word, every story, every promises.

Yet he kept lied. He kept breaking promises. He broke my heart over and over and over and over again.

He lied almost about everything. Big things, small things, I don’t even know if anything he said to me was true. I don’t know if he truly loves me, or it’s all just a lie.

My heart crushed. I feel betrayed. I was lied to, cheated over and over and over again and he kept on doing things that he knows will hurt me. Love? All of this time it was all just one sided. I got fooled.  IT was the blackest day and I could never see him the same way ever since.

I tried to rationalize everything. Did I wasn’t good enough for him? Was I too protective? Did I too spoil? Did I too ignorant? Did I careless? Did I love him less? What have I done to him that he tricked me? But no, I was never too protective. I was always freeing because I trusted him, even if my own parents told me he wasn’t good for me, but I fought them, I believe this man was not like what they said. But it’s true. This man was always a bag of disappointment.  Why did he cheat on me? He told me his ex was sleeping with other man before, he should have known that IT IS cheating and it is hurting and it is unforgivable. But why? was that all lie too?

But I am a woman and I am in love. That makes me a blind fool that’s willing to get hurt by the faith that someone might change for her. Woman, always try to fix their man. It’s in our stupid nature to fix something. Maybe that is why women attracted to bad boys more often. I accepted him again, forgive him, and I tried, God knows how hard--  I’m still trying to learn how to trust him until this day.

Struggling with my own logic, my heart declares that I should see him as a new man and love him all over again. But my mind and my heart was so wounded that I built my own defense mechanism. I kept my rage. I seek vengeance. I wanted him to be hurt like what he did to me. I wanted him to feel how it is to be betrayed, how hurt it is lied to, to be cheated. I wanted him to feel my pain.

Okay, frankly, I was trying to make sense of it all, why he did what he did to me. I read journals, articles, consult the shrink (I myself was a patient), talk to every psychologist friend I had. Of course I didn’t tell them it’s me or my partner, I don’t know if they know, I don’t care. But they all sing the same song.

I asked them to give me the worst and the best scenario.  They said, all I can do is to accept things or to let go. If I decided to accept things, it means I have to prepare to get hurt, with a reward greater than anything in this world; his love as a man who’ll commit and change himself to be good for the woman he claimed to be his future, for good, forever. If I decided to accept things, I also have to accept the possibility of the worst outcome: that he’s a sociopath, compulsive liar with a lack of empathy and no concept of commitment and will never ever be able to maintain any relationship with other human being, that’s he’s rotten to the core, and nothing in this world could ever fix that. In other word, he did not deserve any chance or love from any other decent human being.

If I choose to go; which they all thought is the best way, I should seek peace for myself and start to open up again for any possibilities to come. Either way, I should realize that my happiness is within.

I choose to stay. I choose to accept things as they come. As I told you, I’m a woman in love. I am blinded, maybe. I am a fool, indeed. This is unreasonable decision that hopefully I will never regret.

But in the process of accepting things, i have lost myself. I changed. The wound and heartache and all the negative emotions have taken the best of me.  I become an insecure annoying moody bitch. With irrational decision, come irrational acts. I doubt everything, questioned everything, everyday. I gave him no room to breathe in order to protect myself from being hurt again. Every day I am struggling with my own thoughts, I was caught in the battle between what’s wrong or right, between reality and fantasy. I cried for no reason, for the wound cut open, almost every night. I become bitter inside and all the heartache eats me away. My words and acts were becoming a sign of punishment, I resent him. I resent us. I convinced myself he’s the reason of all my pain, that ever since he lied and cheated he’s no more than a man with no honor. To me, he has no more pride for all his broken promises and wrong doing. He’s half less than a decent man. I wanted him to suffer like I did and there’s not a day I made him forget all of his wrongdoing. I wanted to get even. I admit that there were times I tried not to care about for this man. There were times where I think he don’t deserve my attention at all, I was so hurt by the fact he did all he wanted in my back, knowingly I’d get hurt. IT’s a pain I will never recover from.

And I hate things that happen to me. In the end, it made him lie to me more. With this attitude, he might found another reason to start acting out again, or worse, he’ll blame his craving for another girl because I was always giving him hard times.  But I can’t help it because everytime I remember what he has done my heart is breaking all over again, everytime I got a new facts about the past coming up on surface, I felt betrayed again. Everytime he ignored me, not answering my calls, I got this chills he does that on purpose because he was busy dating someone else. Everytime he does not reply or even read my messages that was because I was never important to begin with. I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel like I love a man who doesn’t love me back. I tried to repress all these wounds as they starting to bleed in my head, I left it unspoken, but it escapes through my words and my acts. I ignored him back. I act like he didn’t exist. I wanted to show him that he has no rights to ask forr anything because everything I am now is because his fault. I wanted him to know that he lost all his privilege as an equal lover once he cheated and lied. Forever I will always be in doubt. This relationship was always one sided since the beginning, this whole relationship was a lie, bullshit, because he does things that he knew will ruin this forever. I will never be this damaged and this wounded if it’s not because of him in the first place. I will never be this bitter and pointing fault every time if it’s not because I wanted him to feel what I feel.  I admit I might have hurt him intentionally. Which one? It’s many things, up until the day before I begged him.

I begged him? He’s to blame for every wrong doing I did to him yet I begged him? Yes, I know, I realized that this is not the way to fix relationship. He said he’ll leave, I don’t want it and I admit I was wrong so I begged him to stay. That was the first and the last time I’ll ever beg for someone. And I tried my best to be good ever since.

And after all I did, why hasn’t he left yet? MY hurt feelings told me because he knew I’ll always be forgiving and trusting no matter what he did, unless I got a prove he does so. Honestly, I am worried that up until today, he’s still flirting with other girls, he still seeing someone else, he still lied, I am still unimportant, I am still ignored, and that I was nothing but a burden he wished to get rid soon. My hurt feelings told me that he’s too afraid to break up with me because he’s a coward, he doesn’t want the blame on him, he wants his name to be good to other, he wanted to me break up with him. But I swear I’ll only do so when I know he’s been cheating again. So, he’ll be stuck with me doubting him all over the place, until he’s proven innocent or the otherwise.

But seeking revenge is just a waste of time, isn’t it? After all, the worst case scenario is that my man was a sociopath with lack of empathy toward others, even for his significant other. No matter how much I tried to hurt him, it won’t do a thing. That he was never sorry doing things he admit was wrong , that he will do it over and over and over again despite his fake promises and insincere tears, begging, and apologies. He only said sorry because he got caught. And he only stayed because he wanted to look good, not because he genuinely love me and wanted to be better.

Then I realized these, all of these negative thoughts and traits, and words and acts, all of these things I’ve done, was not love. There is no more love if these things continue to take place. I can’t forgive him and if I have changed myself just to be with this man, this is not love. This is not I and I will never going to live with this negative acts and thoughts forever.

I haven’t trusted him. Indeed. I haven’t really forgiven him, it’s true. As long as I wanted him to feel my pain, I will never be at peace. Because no matter what I do, he’ll never felt the way I felt, he’ll never feel how hurt it is to be betrayed and lied to, he’ll never have the same wound as I did. I was mad by this fact but all I can do is to accept.

It is easier to let go, but why didn’t I do so? Every time goodbyes were just within reach, every time every chances of going away from all the pain, never I wanted to take it. Why? Because I remember this man was not all bad. Because this man were once my world, were once my happiness, were once the reason I smile from ear to ear, because this man once saved me. No matter if it’s all just fake memories or was never true, but what I felt was real and for a moment, I had the happiest time of my life with him.  I made a vow that I’ll leave only because I know he lied betrayed and cheated me again. Trust me, no matter what the circumstances, I’ll do what I said I’d do.  

All of this time, I have never been fair to him. I have never been really given him space to be good, to prove himself as a decent man with pride, a man to live by his words and actions. All I did was to break him to his limit point. It’s not good. If I wanted him to be good I should give him chance to do so. It’s his job to be a decent human being, not mine. I will never alter what he did and I could never fix what’s already broken from someone. Just like I pull myself when I saw him, this time it’s his time to stand up again. It’s his time to be a gentleman he said he was; a loyal, true to his words and actions, loving, caring, patience, proud and decent human being, not a manipulative coward cheater liar asshole that always gaslighting and being impulsive and defensive because he knew he’s wrong and he denied that he’s bad, like he did once.  He’ll be good for himself, he’ll commit to what’s good for him, his job, his family, his relationship with other. No more lies and deceitful and betrayal, hopefully. Because there’s no life lower than a life full of imitation.

Has he changed? I don’t know and I will never know. All I know he’s been doing good and looking good to me, like him always do, just like the days when he tricked me. I could never tell the different. Maybe this time, it is real, maybe he’s being honest all this time, maybe he does wanted to change, maybe he really is sorry, and maybe he’s true when he said he’d stop doing what he did.

All I can do is to accept. I accept his apologies, whether it’s sincere or not. I accept his faults. I accept his flaws. I accept my heartache, my wounds. I accept that he’s trying to change. I accept all his words. I accept that we’re in a bad shape and we’re going in the same boat trying to fix things to be better.  I accept that I have been as bad as he was and I am not proud of it. I accept that this is the man I wanted.  I accept that he’s the man I love and that we’re on the same war to make our future happen.

All I wanted is a man I could love and trust and to build a family with, with honesty and loyalty and less abusive, different like how we used to be raised. I’m trying to understand that our flaws were the imprint of our abusive years growing up, and I don’t want that to my family. I just wanted a family where my children will be better than their good father and mother, where lies is not allowed, where cheating and stealing is the greater sin and that breaking promises is the sign of the loss of pride. There’s no honor in not keeping your words. I wanted children where they could look up to their parents and said that they’re proud to have us as a parent. I don’t want any story in the future, where I told my kids that their parents separate because one of them was a cheater and a liar. Can we really make that happen?

I hope if he read this and he has done the worst scenario, he’d be a man for once and admit things and just end this fake relationship, that is the only way he could regain his pride, and for us to stop all those tiresome arguing and endless fights over misunderstanding, to stop all the pain and heartache..I’ll never regret anything. And we could end this less bitter. Hopefully i was wrong. And there is nothing i could do about it. 

I truly believe that IF someday what happen is the worst scenario, God will show me, and I’ll accept it with no regrets.  Then I’ll live with the consequences and by that time I’ll be long gone and move on to seek for somewhere or someone who’ll love me as I do. At least I have loved him the best. I’ll love him best and unconditional just like how I did back then. IT’s hard, but I’m willing and trust me, I’m on my way to believing. Even if finally we failed to build what we always wanted, I could always say that the fault was never and will never be mine.

this is the last time i’d ever talk or mention anything about this. up from this point, i’ll just pretend that was never happen, no matter how hard it’ll be. I know God will show us the way, just like He showed me back then. 

-

[forgottenotes]

.

I don't know how to save my heart for another heartache. It's always easier to move on when one of you are letting go. But there is one kind of heartbreak that took a lifetime to heal; a separation where none of you wants to leave. Maybe that's not entirely true. I don't know which one is worse, when you're betrayed, cheated, lied to, ignored, or when that s.o. have stopped fighting for you. Either way that is a sign that maybe this love has been and always will be one sided. To love someone so deeply that you're willing to live with a chance to get hurt over and over and over again in exchange of his promised heart, just to get crushed by the fact that he'll just let go. I don't want to go through this again.

[forgottenotes]

Eleven.

15 years have passed since we first met. 11 years have passed since the last time we met. 9 years have passed since we last talked. Growing up in a family where the only conversation i had with my family was about school, i started to seek comfort in somewhere else. I try to build a relationship where i don't feel ignored or some place where i know i exist. I talk to random person and try different group of age. I try to look for a brotherly figure to fulfill my desire of having someone who'll look after me. Why brother? Because i have a sister and it sucks. We're much apart and I don't like the way she treated me because she's just so much alike my mother. Brother seem like a good idea back then. That's when i found him. I still remember the first time we met. 2002. Marannu. He was there about to have a lunch. My friends and I approached him to ask for some autograph. He was just a new transferred player from Bontang that day. I asked him why he decided to play here. Without even look at me he just answered, "Cari aja di koran." And i cursed him. I hated him. Such an arrogant jerk. The second time we met, Kostar, Si Kembar, Laras, and i were hunting for another autographs again. We saw him standing in front of his room. He's the only one in sight so we approached him and talk to him. I didn't like the idea but we had no choice. But this time it's different. We talked for a few hours and that meeting changed my point of view about him. Unexpectedly, he's such a nice friendly person. He welcomed us and talked to us and answered all of our silly questions. We were just a bunch of junior high school yet he greeted us with arms wide open. It's more like an interview than a conversation, though. A very pleasant one. We talked about his family, his career, and why did he become a football player. He talked about how he grew up in a sports background family. His father was a boxer. I asked him why he didn't follow his father footsteps. He just laughed. "My mom wouldn't let me", he said. He had such a great laugh and i like every wrinkles that made his smile. I got an instant crush on him. Almost everyday after school my gang and i went to visit his base. Almost every visit we met. One day jokingly i asked for his mobile. He answered "08194100363", straight away. I don't expect him to give his number but i saved it anyway. Right away after that when i got home, i tried to reach him. I was so nervous that I didn't even have the guts to talk when the phone rang. I just hang up as soon as he picked up. But he called back! My heart skipped a beat and with a trembling hand and shaken voice i answered. And we talked on the phone. Just he and i. For the first time. I never had a crush to anybody before and talking to him was a milestone for me back then. It was like it's the most important thing that happened in the universe at that moment. Ever since that day, i considered him as someone i dearly adored. He's so humble and nice and friendly and always so warm. Once Kostar and i hang out in his room, just three of us while he's listening to Linkin' Park- Somewhere I Belong. Almost every night i texted him and he always replied. Even a silly good morning or good night text, he always texted back. A supportive text whenever he's playing or just training. A congratulations text when he won. A cheering text when he lost. We talked frequently too. He was always available. He was always there. And i was never lonely. Sometimes he gave us free tickets. Sometimes we gave him presents. Okay, i gave him presents. Once in his birthday i gave him an AC Milan mug and some chocolates, but i didn't say they're for his birthday. Instead i said they're for his friends. You know lah, gengsiiiiii~ But i know he knew. I remember our first (and last) fight. So one day i came to his place to claim the free tickets he promised us. But the receptionist at the desk said that he was unavailable. I can't contact him either because my balance was empty. So i went home in furious and immediately buy phone credits. I called him, but it's busy. I messages him but he didn't reply. Later that night he texted me, "Rese' banget sih, aku lagi bertengkar dengan pacarku nih." Okay. Fine. I will not disturb you again, i told him. And i kept my words. I didn't text or call him anymore. I was angry because he broke his promise. Or is it because i was jealous? Anyway, he called me first. two days later. He said he's sorry and he should not be angry to me. He said he'd make it up. Actually i was just so happy that he talk to me first. Tapi you know lah, gengsiii~ So i told him to do me a favor as a token of our armistice. I told him to bring something from Bulgaria. He joined timnas that day and they're going to practice in Bulgaria. He said yes. I also asked him to bring me autographs from all timnas player. He laughed, but said yes. I said i was only joking and that i didn't expect him to do that. But he did it. He brought some souvenirs from Bulgaria. He asked for his fellow players autographs too. For me. You have no idea how happy that made me. We continue our friendly supporters-players or brother-sister relationship, or one-sided-crush relationship for me, for two years. I stopped coming to his place because of final third year exams. I lost his new number too because my old number was blocked. We didn't talk that much too because his gf was moving with him. I think i realize where i stand that i had no chance, so i stopped sending him all those messages even though i know he'll still reply it. The last messages i sent him was to congratulate him on his birthday. And that was the end of our acquaintance. *** Entering high school, I didn't watch soccer as much as i did back then. I still met him though, on the bus. Every morning i got out from my house at 6.30, and arrive at bajigau at 6.45, the exact time when his bus was going to morning practice. We passed each other, and just smile to each other. And that's just it. Oh one day my bf (now ex), Kak Rus, gave me a birthday; His autograph on my paintings in a wooden frame. That was the only belongings from Kak Rus that don't end up in a fire. (((((: He got married. He changed club. Moved to another city. I was busy at school. I got my own boyfriend. I went to med school. But later in 2008, three years after the last time we talked, we met again. Thanks to social media. We talked via yahoo messenger. That day, i was just breaking up with my bf when i went to my laptop and see his messages. I swear that was the best day of my life, that time. I was just so down that i broke up, but he came around and we talked like an old friend! He's coming to this city for having another match. With some friends, i went to his practice and got a picture with him. The next day i brought him coto as he requested. I was so happy to finally meet him after very long time! But it didn't last for long. Only few weeks, before one night i stupidly confessed. I told him i liked him and that maybe he was my first crush. I didn't remember the exact words I use, did i said i love him? I hope no. No, I won't have the guts. All i remember i told him that I'm grateful to know him and that i am very thankful for his kindness all those years. I talked to him like i was about to die. It's silly and I don't know what's gotten into me for saying those words. I didn't dare to contact him ever since. I was so embarrassed by myself and i just want to forget. But i can not. He's nice and friendly and on my darkest years, he's the only good memories i have. I cherished him and i looked up to him as a brother. Maybe there was a time where i recognise my affection towards him as something more, but now I'm not sure. So i talked to him again yesterday. I found his ig account and i sent him this messages. It tooks weeks for him to reply, i forgot that i ever sent one. So he replied. And i was glad he remembers me. We made this appointment to meet again if he ever go to this city again. It's nice to talk to an old friend, the one i adored for a very long time. All these years and he's the best man i ever knew. Hello eleven, hope to see you again someday. (:

[forgottenotes]

My world been upside down lately. There's no better cure than to leave everything in the past and keep moving forward. If a scar can not be healed, then it must be embraced.

[forgottenotes]

Downfall.

I have lost myself. I love you and in the process I’ve become what i never was. I’ve become what I’m not.

I forgot that relationship is never one-sided. It’s always unselfish and 100-100, not 70-30 or 50-50. I should have known better that loving someone is about taking a leap of faith. I always said that.

But i have no faith at all. I don’t even know what i believe. I don’t even believe myself. And that is the lowest point of loving someone.

Maybe i love myself too much that i forgot that i love you too and that i decided to give you a chance. Instead I’m becoming what I’m not by not giving you any room to breathe.

I am too scared to be scarred again all over that i built this self-defence mechanism that gradually hardened me like a stone. I was so uptight and in a burden and blurred lines between what is real and what is a fantasy. I squeezed too hard to control things that i ended up losing everything. I closed my eyes from all the good things and that happy little moment, focused into fear of losing it all over again.

My cowardice has taken the best of me. I am ungrateful and in an unreasonable state to even learn how to start all over again.

“I forgive you. I love you. Let’s just moving forward”, i said.

But you were never truly forgiven. I always remember but never forgive.

Until that time when i thought I’ve lost you all over again, because of my wrong doings. What i did was terrible, making up things, intentionally hurting, not giving you any space to breathe; the things you shouldn’t do to someone you love, no matter how much he had hurt you.

I was always in doubt. I was in rage. I was in grudge. I am a bad lover. I….. become you when you’re hurting me.

I will try to love you better, just like you try to change yourself too. Let’s give all 100 from now on, okay?

[thenatsdorf]

Kids crash their dad’s BBC interview. [full video]

[forgottenotes]

😄

[forgottenotes]

Bagaimana padamu

Saya tidak pernah menyangka bahwa saya akan sampai di titik ketika kata cinta darimu itu seperti sembilu. Sàya ingin percaya bahwa kita memulai semuanya dari awal lagi. Oh mari kita berpura-pura bahwa semua tidak pernah terjadi. Tapi selamanya saya tidak akan bisa memalsukan ketulusan, seperti dirimu. Saya tidak akan bisa melihatmu dengan sama lagi, bagaimana kerasnya saya mencoba lupa dan berusaha. Kita pernah senang, dulu. Tapi sekarang saya terlalu hancur untuk bisa merasa percaya bahwa saya akan senang denganmu lagi. Saya pernah percaya kau tulus dengan cinta dan setiamu ketika di saat yang sama kau selalu bisa menemukan orang lain dan bahwa semua yang kau katakan padaku hanya dongeng. Juga cintamu. Perasaanmu. Itu palsu. Saya sampai pada titik ketika tidak ada lagi hal yang lebih buruk darimu. Saya berhenti menangis untukmu. Saya berhenti menaruh harapan padamu. Saya berhenti mempercayaimu. Entah kapan saya akan berhenti mencintaimu.

[forgottenotes]

Aku tidak akan pernah mengerti kapan Tuhan berkata, "ini saatnya kau melepaskan,' atau "ini saatnya kamu berjuang". Kukira semulianya kita diciptakan, kita selalu menerima sesuatu sesuai dengan kapasitas kita. (at Pulau Lampu)