Dear Future Daughter:
1) When you’re at some party, chain smoking on the roof with some strange girl with blue hair and exorbitant large dark eyes, ask her about her day. I promise you, you won’t regret it. Often times you’ll find the strangest of people have the most captivating of stories to tell.
2) Please, never mistake desire for love. Love will engulf your soul, whilst desire will emerge as acid, slowly making it’s way through your veins, gradually burning you from the inside out.
3) No one is going to fucking save you, anything you’ve read or heard otherwise is bullshit.
4) One day a boy is going to come along who’s touch feels like fire and who’s words taste like vanilla, when he leaves you, you will want to die. If you know anything at all, know that it is only temporary.
5) Your mental health comes before school baby, always. If its midnight, and you have an exam the next day but your hands have been shaking for the past hour and a half and you’re not so sure you want to be alive anymore, pull out that carton of Ben and Jerry’s and afterwards, go the fuck to bed. So what if you get a 68% on the exam the next day? You took care of yourself and at the end of the day that will always come before a high test score. To hell with anyone who tells you differently.
I graduate tomorrow and just the thought of walking across the stage in front of all of those people freaks me out. But that's not the only reason why I'm stressing lately.
Ryan's best childhood friend who lives on the west coast and is home on leave wants to have a get together and meet me.
I am all for that. Except for the fact that Chase will also be there.
I vowed to never see him again. Looking back, I am extremely mortified about how things ended. I was still rebounding from T and he was still rebounding from a broken engagement.
We both used each other, but for the opposite reasons. He wanted fun and no attachments. I wanted a lasting commitment.
I know that, should Ryan and I stay together, I might have to face him eventually. And even though I no longer have any feelings for Chase (apart for hate: I hate how he treated me and that he still treats other women that way), I don't want to confront him or those feelings.
That may seem petty, childish or even cowardly, but I am an emotional person. And facing him and all of those emotions while also trying to give my best first impression to Ryan's best friend and his wife is not the best plan.
I had a dream a few months ago that Ryan and I got married and Chase wedding crashed. Ryan and I got up to make speeches as he was hitting on my bridesmaids. I called him out in front of all the guests and said something to the extent of thanks for being a complete affront to woman-kind and Ryan's childhood friend, thanks for introducing us.
I could, essentially, say that to him, should I see him on Sunday, but I'm not sure if, at this point in my life, I could handle being that kind to him.
I'm normally the kind of person to forgive and forget and I rarely hold grudges. But this is an unusual case.
I don't want this to let my really great weekend (graduation, my brother coming home on leave, Christmas, etc...) become an awful weekend.
Taking a note out of Dan Patrick's book and gonna start (trying) to do something like this from now on.
Worst: Admitted to my supervisor that I know nothing about cars so he duped me into believing my car had a fake part. I then preceded to drive to Auto Zone where I realized that part does not exist. Awkward, embarrassing, and I feel totally stupid.
Best: I've always known I wanted to write a book someday, and today, I think I came up with a pretty decent idea. Now, let's see if I can actually make it happen (and actually wait to work on it after finals).
I really need to stop worrying about everything so much. About finals, about getting a job, about getting married, about my family, about how the interview went, whatever.
I stress too much. I worry all the time and dread the future. It's really no way to live. I need to be positive.
I just had my first Skype interview. I don't think it went that well. I didn't look into the camera to 'make eye contact' and I sniffled too much (sue me, its 10 degrees outside and the HVAC doesn't work in this study room). I didn't too enough research ahead of time and I BS'd my way through the company's mission statement only to find out I actually got it most of the way right.
So we'll see how this goes. I have an in with my prof - he knows someone down there and he said he'd push my resume through. Unfortunately, now in this world, now its all about who you know and not what you know (I am really disliking that saying the more I hear it).
One more (actual in-person) interview tomorrow, which damn near wraps up my summer internship hunt.
But that's only making me panic more, because I just finished exit counseling for my student loans and I have way more to pay back than I thought I did (not counting interest)!
This is probably one of my most favorite blogs. I check it religiously, even though I can't afford half of the things Carly blogs about and I've never been to New York.
But this post seriously hit home for me. It's a guest post and Maxie says it better than I ever could.
So read that and then read this:
Friends from my past: I'm sorry we lost touch or are no longer friends for whatever reason.
Current friends: I love you
Internet friends: I've lost touch with most of you, and I am so, so sorry about that. But please remember I am always here if you ever need me. I love you all so much (and some times more than my real life friends - please don't tell them that :) )
Phone interview next Friday with a major league club and now I'm stressing out.
I've been emailing with the hiring manager today and he seems friendly. But I've never had a phone interview before, and, should I get this gig (I don't want to jinx myself), I'd have to move away from Ryan, quit the internship I have now, the high paying part-time job I have, and live with my step-dad's family, who I hardly know.
We'll see how this goes. I'm extremely hopeful, but extremely nervous and panicky at the same time.
Times, they are a-changin......or will be very, very soon...
I got home from my internship yesterday and I realized I am very comfortable and very happy with my life as it is right now.
I live with my boyfriend and we have a very happy relationship, I have a nice part time job that pays very well (though I get tired of it sometimes, I know I can't complain, since there are plenty of people still looking for a job), I have an internship and even though it's unpaid, I love the people I work with and I always have fun when I'm there. I am in classes I like and am interested in (for the most part - this gen ed. sucks, but if I don't take it, I can't graduate!), and I'm very happy and comfortable with my life.
But now that I'm graduating in December, I'm going to have to start paying back student loans soon. But my lack of experience in my field makes me worry if I can get a job sooner rather than later. Do I try to find another internship? Do I apply for jobs now, hoping I'll find something by the time I graduate? I wish someone could tell me what to do.
Just thinking about this makes me start having a panic attack. I looked up jobs with a salary the other day, and just something about having a job with a salary (I've only ever had a job with a weekly or bimonthly paycheck) made me freak out.
These next three-four months should be...interesting, to say the least.
I've spend my lazy weekend spending hours upon hours scrolling through Pinterest's travel section. Given the fact that a major trip right now isn't an option, this was probably a bad idea.
I want to leave here for a bit, and I want Ryan to come with me. I want us to take a long trip and not come back for a while. I want to get out of the Midwest and do things we haven't done before.
I've only been on a plane for the first time within the past year and I've never been out of the country, not even to our border nations. It's sad, really. I have all these big dreams and plans about traveling and I have no idea where to start.
I want to road trip up and down both coasts, go down to Louisiana to see my brother and try that little hole in the wall restaurant he loves that serves pizza pan-sized dishes full of crawfish that are technically for one person, walk on the Riverwalk in San Antonio around Christmas (I've been there once, but I've heard Christmastime is even better), I want to find the lake in Colorado where my brother and I had our picture taken when we were kids (I was around 10, Paxton was maybe 7; I don't know where to begin looking, but I want to find that lake and take another picture with my brother in the same spot). Those are just the things I want to do Stateside.
I could go on about what I want to do when I get out of the country, but this post would be forever long. I wish I could get up, go to the airport just a few minutes up the interstate, buy a random ticket and leave. I wish I had that kind of cash.
Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.
I am not a religious person. I don't take time out of my day to pray, thank the Lord for the good things in my life, or even go to church.
But yesterday, something happened to me - something that only got worse today - that might've changed that. I'm not saying now I'm going to go to church on a weekly basis or pray before bed every night, but while I was having a panic attack at work, I prayed for the first time in a long, long time.
I met him briefly. He went to basic training and airborne with my brother and both of them have stayed close.
Being friends with him on facebook, I had only seen his status updates from his hospital bed in Germany Monday and yesterday and wasn't sure what was going on. It wasn't until late Tuesday night (when he posted a picture and long farewell note to his fellow Ranger and friend) and this morning, things started coming out about the names of the ones who had died and details about the incident.
I found out it was his unit that had been attacked and his friends that had died. When I was reading the press releases, I realized one of the soldiers killed in action has the same last name as my brother and I. It was hard to read. I didn't know the soldier but to see the name typed out like that (MYLASTNAME was killed in action on October 7th, 2013) freaked me out.
It was like they were talking about my brother.
I was reading these on my phone on my lunch break at work and while sitting in the lunch room, CNN was on. They were showing one of the fallen Rangers arriving at Dover Air Force Base. An honor squad carried the casket off the aircraft and put into a vehicle. The video was silent and that's when I went into full panic attack. I know my brother is stateside and safe. I am very thankful for that.
When he joined the Army, he joined with full intention of getting deployed, going overseas and fighting for our freedom. That was what he wanted over a year ago. Times have changed and so has he. He fell in love and did what he could to stay in the States not only to keep us from having to worry about him, but to make sure he did what he could to see his girlfriend when he could.
He's still doing what he loves - jumping out of airplanes and doing combat training - but all without the risk of getting deployed. His unit helps to train the soldiers that will get deployed. My brother is trained in the ways of the enemy so that he can better train soldiers for what life will be like overseas. Its a way of 'being deployed' without being deployed.
But I knew that it could've been him. He had wanted to fight. That was what my brother had wanted to do. I asked him once, if he was okay with dying young. He said yes without hesitation. I cried myself to sleep that night. My brother is my best friend. I don't know what it would be like to lose him. I can't even imagine.
So when I called him on my break and couldn't get through, I panicked, even though I know he's in the US, away from most of the baddies, and usually, relatively safe. I called my mom to see if he had heard from him. Apparently, he's out in the field all week and won't have access to his phone until Friday morning. I feel a bit better.
Sitting through the rest of my work day was awful. I knew that it could've been him. His friend who was injured joined the service the same time my brother did. I said some serious prayers today at work. Not only for my brother and his friend, but also for the ones who died Monday, the others who were injured and every soldier.
Ryan woke me up Saturday morning and asked me to forgive him for not getting me a birthday present. He was in tears. He said over and over again how awful he felt for not only not getting me a present on my actual birthday, but for not being able to get me something big, special, or meaningful.
I kept hugging him and kissed his forehead and did my best to reassure him that it really was okay.
Sunday morning didn't help the situation. We went to breakfast and Ryan kept telling me on the way there that this time he'd pay (I paid for lunch the last time we went out with my family) and it wasn't until we got the check that Ryan realized that his wallet was sitting on his nightstand back in the apartment.
He looked like he wanted to cry again. I covered breakfast. I didn't care. It was only $20 for the two of us and it's not like it was going to set me back for the week. But as soon as we got back to the apartment so I could watch the Manchester United match, Ryan instantly got out his check book, online bank register and the calculator on his phone to make sure he wasn't completely broke until his next paycheck.
After the match was over (and when the malls were open), we went shopping. I needed to find a dress for Ryan's uncle's wedding (I ended up just ordering one online - go figure) and get a few more pieces for my more professional wardrobe, rather than adding to my bummin' it, slummin' it wardrobe.
Ryan and I split up when we got to Target. He wouldn't tell me what he needed to get and when it came time to check out, he grabbed my cash from me and brought our stuff together while he forced me to stand alone next to the exit.
When we got home, Ryan gave me what he called "your birthday present for now." It was a trail of sticky notes leading to a few small gifts.
A note saying, "I tortilla(y) and completely love you," led to a pack of my favorite tortillas that I like to snack on was one. Odd, by the both of us (in Ryan's play on words and my snack of choice) but adorable with the budget he had to work with.
Another note saying, "I dove into love for you! (Share please?)" which led to a package of Dove chocolates.
It led to nothing huge, majorly adorable, or something I'll cherish for the rest of my life (let's be honest, those Dove chocolates will be gone by the end of the week), but it was the sweetest thing anyone's done for me in a very long time. Ryan didn't have to do anything for me - he does enough for me on a daily basis - if he wanted to consider his killing all of the spiders that come near me a birthday present, I'd be more than happy.
romaincrisis
gummygunk
jacobvanloon
kaledo-art
dededos
janainaart
discoholicmusic
