basically a journal

bc i need to let some things out. i know that much

[forrelief]

2/15

havent posted on this account in a while but.. ik no one cares on here either. my irl friends certainly dont. anyway im beyond tired. genuinely unhappy. hopeless. getting up tmr is gonna be hard i so dont want to go to school tmr. and then work for 7 hours. jeez my life has really become something i dont recognize or want. ik its going to change in a few months but it feels like whether that change is good or bad is out of my hands. everyday is so long i swear but i never seem to get done what i need to get done. havent had math hw all week and yet ive not started my philosophy essay. all ive managed to do is finish a book. literally consumed like 300+ pages in two days. still hasnt made anything in MY life seem better, though i would never make it through what Cameron Post did. i hate having to write abiut this and type it up and not let it out to someone who can maybe help me feel better. i drop hints. ik its better to be direct but i stg my friends dont care. idk why our group has to operate without sympathy or compassion. i dont know how to change it without it being weird or anything. but im tired. or hormonal. im not sure. but i think my defalt really is a negative mood but im finding distractions. not solutions. its fucked up and my heart is actually minced. diced. its been sliced. shattered. why was it so fragile in the first place? and why is it still Hurting? over what also? why cant i andwer any of these questions about my own body!? who knows. i need to sleep

[forrelief]

2/9

time to relieve stress! hahaha

[forrelief]

1/1

so its the first of january of 2018. and i need some goals for this year. school wise, overall in my life wise, socially, just in every aspect of my life. because this time next year i will be a senior wanting the days to go by slower, not ready to leave highschool yet but excited and anxious to begin college. i cant wait. but i have to. i have so much ahead of me with this year and i really hope i am strong enough for it all. i have to get all my homework and shit together. finish python for computing class or else im literally going to fail the class lol. i just dont know what happened over this break. it went by rather quickly. not enough time away if you ask me. and the transition is going to be super rough. but i have to be optimistic. i already did really well the first quarter, so i will finish the second quarter the same, then the third, and finally the fourth too. i think i can do this. im excited for 2018, im hopeful. itll be a good year i believe. it will. i wanna make some new friends know. maybe a girlfriend even?? lets keep our fingers crossed... but yea. its 1:01 am now so ive got to go to sleep. got a whole week ahead of me. im gonna try to take it week by week.

[forrelief]

anyway, my mother hates me and doesnt want me to have friends? ,, turns out im not in love; im just a fool,, i cant stop watching Zumbo’s Just Desserts,, i am procrastinating my hw by starting my stupid college search,, and i want to est and not stop ever rn… not a good start to november even tho so many of my close friends were born in this one week

[forrelief]

10/30

how do u know like if ur in love with someone? like just its not clear. i think im being dramatic but also, my heart beats uncontrollably fast when she touches me? and she knows this. and she might actually find this but idc i love her and i told her this and she said it right back but im not sure she felt the weight of the words and how my heart breathed a sigh of relief when i said it but. idk. i have homework to finish now lol lemme step out my feelings for now.

[forrelief]

i cant breathe too well

btw

9/19

okay. "you wanna know who im in love with? read the first word again ❤️" what what does that really mean? lets see she responded again. i need clarification or my hearts never gonna beat correctly again

[forrelief]

7/19

Tonight it a great night!

[forrelief]

6/19 I want to go to pride. Specifically youth pride bc i *think* that its more of a festival and regular pride is more of just a parade. But idk who to go with. I think my friends are going with *their* friends. Who i think theyd rather go with than me. So yea. And idk my friends' friends so I'd just feel awkward. Maybe ill go to the parade with my mom idk. We did last year by accident bc we were just going bike riding in central park so. But yea im lying in bed now trying not to freak out over the fact that i really dont wanna seem needy and ask my friends and also the fact that i dont have a job. And also this saturday my dad signed my sister and i up for some tumblr hackathon that i dont really wanna go to bc its all day long (and im not good with saying no to him). Yea this week is gonna be shitty. I feel shitty. Currently.trying.not.to.break.down. idk maybe itll all work out. Bc like i asked my friend in class earlier but she was reading her phone and she was like "yea i was planning on it" which like wtf do i say to that. Idk. Im too insecure. Idk why im insecure with my friends but i just think they havent thought about me in their planning for pride. Which u kno hurts. When people dont think about you. When no one thinks about you. Okay im close to tears so imma just get out of my head. Okay.

[forrelief]

6/14 I had my math final today. It went terribly. It took forever to do the multiple choice section and I totally forgot about the short answer. I went back after school and my teacher gave me like 20 minutes to try and finish it. I didn’t. Sooooo I just walked home (school ended early) by myself. This always happens too. On half days and such everyone goes out to town or where ever with the friends and such. That’s rarely the case for me. So. Here is a picture of my meal. Cereal. I eat cereal a lot. It’s not complicated and it tastes good. But i think it’s just gonna make me sad from now on. Because I’m eating it now thinking about how I have no friends to hang with at the moment. It’s like, I’m sure one of my friends would be down to go out for food but I hate that I have to ask others to go out to eat. It’s like I’m second or third choice. Which would be fine if that weren’t the case for ALL my friends. Butttttt whatever. I guess I’ll just sit here at home alone. Eat my cereal. Finishing studying for my other finals this week. Hopefully I do and feel better tomorrow.

[forrelief]

6/5 -->This is homophobia

My friend keeps telling me about her crush on this guy and how shes too afraid to ask him out and shit and that he doesnt like here and her crushes never like her back blahblahblah BOTTOM LINE: I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS IN THIS GAY MONTH. THIS MONTH IS FOR US GAYS AND US ONLY. THESE HETEROSEXUAL MATTERS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL

[forrelief]

5/28

I was at a track meet the last two days. Im in the field part of track and field; i do high jump, long jump, and throw discus. But yea i was with the throwing team bc the throwers get no love from the runners so were usually all separated anyway. But i love the throwing team like its super great being with them and we get a lot of laughs and stuff. But anyway, at the meet yesterday the team got to talking about sexuality (as straight people often do for no reason at all). But they were all like “yeah i dont care who you like” and like all in all that being gay was okay. But then they were saying that bisexualoty wasnt real. Like that u either like one gender or the other but you cant like both. And then they start talking about gender and how theres only two genders, but they weren’t trashing trans people or anything like that. But, as (in regards to them) and #closeted gay, i kept my mouth SHUT. The entire time. And ive been thinking, yknow why didnt i speak up and defend this community that i belong to and that i take pride in, but exclusively with other #gays and here on tumblr.com? But yea i think i figured it out. And its basically because i just dont want to feel ostracized and like different really from the group. Bc like i have fun with them and enjoy their presence and all that but its hard when you know they like you for what they know you as. But not who you really are. But overall im tryna let myself be myself and if im in a similar situation im not gonna punish myself or whatever for staying silent bc being gay is the hardest thing ive ever experienced. Its opened me up to new ideas and made me become more open minded overall but its also limiting in that i cant freely express myself without fearing rejection just for being who i am. So. Thats it. I feel better now

[forrelief]

Im a dumbass

I swear on my life “Swim Good” by frank ocean was called “Swim God” wtf has it really been swim GOOD this whole time??

[forrelief]

5/20

I was at a track meet yesterday doing long jump (which i am NOT very good at) and i was with this girl on my team who i dont know. This other girl was next to me in line from some other school and we were just talking about long jump and all dat. But overall i just liked talking to her we were foolin around and shit. But uh yea she was pretty super cute idk. She placed for the long jump finals bc shes, like, good. And i didnt so i didnt really get to see her again but i wanted to!! But the second part of the meet was today and i was hoping to see her again but. Of course i didnt. Idk i think i have to do long jump next weekend so maybeeeee hopefullyyyyy ill see her again and shell remember meh. She was just fun to talk to and cute but lemme stop being weird rn. Okey bye

[forrelief]

5/16 Ive been thinking a lot about what itd feel like to fly. Like a bird? I think it would help me solve (some of) my problems