@forsakenwishes - Tumblr Blog

Ray Ban Sunglasses Official Charity Event!

@myaeggs @pain-is-my-pasion @dying-hbu @itspizzachan @lettingitroll @997yen @geroncatimo @sinfulyearning @gefangeninmir @unicaloisel @herewegolove @noteblue13 @geekgearblog @miss3strange--denise @tayboox @hayleymichellecx @nicholemaryse @tempesta-di-mare @idkijustreallylikedogs @and-wonder @snepaisaturdays @dragonsbain @fineartcenter @emily-and-norman @soulandmindxx @mighty-mitochondria @xxlying-from-y0u @polkarrty @dandelion-daydream-s @snkingdeep @henryjacksonnewcomb @snub-cube-revised @preservingapreviousme @joollook @literarycreature @funniestmemesus-blog @mcjell-it @nerysecy @kindmaniac @yolispeace @once-i-was-here-blog @strongfemaleheroines @mclaughlandeloris2cd2e @keelyzamorano347e @divollmagaly2734c @cardigansandcapers-blog @original-thoughts @iheartysabella-blog @highpinup1270 @ifseeingisbelieving @idigthecowboys-blog @kingopi @unknown-stratus @diamantematt @emiliapesqueiraz @gianniyves @decomposingwhileliving @loveeisnotachoice @iwannastealyoursweaterandsm-blog @vietsun @wastetimewithme @silhouettecookie @thoughtsinmyself @tokenblackboy @ifyouhadmoretime @mikeygibbens-blog @endlesslovveeee @n-hosway @rvymoondo @juju243 @hiccups96 @onikandcholen-adventures @fishwithdreams @tiny-ancient-one @hypengyo-phobia @wannathrivenotjustsurvive @swiftlikeadaydrram @le-penguin @votum-seperatum-blog @desiqned @lov3ly-hearts @t-r-u-e-thoughts @louis-chanel-andeverythingelse @beggin-for-thread @wishingonafallenstar @vnaswood @ej0927-blog @universal-gnostic @bringmetofate @ospato @roar-ofthecrowd @daybreak-dream @picturesque-upbringing @h4kuna-matatah @nvelasquez1 @hic-dracones-sunt @jamespearsey @efiervescent @pushupsandstuff @inf4ctuated @refuseeee-to-sinkkkk @iamlittlesmall @buttercup-everdeen @therewegosweetheart @divergentdauntless @act-like-a-prize

The official charity event of Ray-Ban sunglasses, all styles of glasses are only $24.99! We will donate 50% of the profits to the COVID-19 epidemic prevention department. Every purchase is your support for charity, thank you!

Click to buy>>>Enter the online store

Some things are too heavy to put anywhere else but here.

But I have to get these words out somewhere.

I have so much self-hatred inside, so much guilt and regret that it storms so hard inside me that I can’t think or feel anything over it. And when I’m angry, the rage overwhelms me. And I can’t do anything to calm it, and instead I end up hurting the people near me.

I’m like a rabid dog.

And I keep trying to get better, but why has there been no progress?

Why do I still feel so much hatred and rage?

I don’t know what to do with myself.

And I still haven’t figured out how to live for myself.

I’ve been hiding and looking for distractions for so many months now, and lately I’ve been looking for the next new hyperfixation because I find myself retreating back inside my mind a little bit more nowadays. And I can’t be present in my mind because all there is inside it is fear. I feel like I’ve had a string of fearful things happen in my life in the last three years, with sickness and death dominating along with a few other things, and the fear and paranoia from that is so present in a time like this, during a pandemic, and it feels like everyday, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like I’m always expecting bad news to happen at any moment.

When I look to my future, I know what I want to do, who I want to be, what ideals and values I treasure and how to be a better person, to be a type of person I would be proud of, but right now, I’m frozen. Because I keep expecting something bad to happen, I’m afraid to move, and I’m afraid to think too much. I’m on edge always, I can’t watch anything non-comedic because I start crying and I feel too much. So I wake up every day looking for a distraction, for something to keep my mind occupied and my thoughts away.

But the fear comes back always, and I am so scared it’s only going to get worse because I’ll be starting new medication whose side effect is worsening depression, and I’m barely holding on right now and I don’t know where I’ll be if my mind get worse.

I’m trying to grow, but I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid of connecting to people, I’m so afraid of meeting new people, I’m so afraid of hurting people. I know I have emotional trauma but I hate it, because I can’t come to terms with it. I know I need help, but I can’t because I’m afraid because that would require conversations with parents who cannot give me the support and help I need because they’re even more screwed up than I am.

I’m getting better but also worse at the same time, and I don’t know how that’s possible. I didn’t think things were bad but I can’t sleep again and everything puts me on the edge, so I knew. I have people on my side, but no one I want to confide in because what is there to say? I don’t know how to connect with anyone anymore, and all I can do is keep them at arm’s length away from me. I have to help myself, but I am just so afraid. And I hate that I can feel the repercussions of everything I’ve feared. I can already tell what the long lasting effects will be, so I have to do something soon.

I’m all talk and no action, and that makes me afraid that I’m turning into him. I am so afraid of becoming him that I can’t even commit to people. I can’t even reply to people on time. Something as simple as replying to a single text message now takes me days to summon the energy to do it. I can’t give them anything because I’m so scared of screwing thinks up. I can’t help anyone and yet, I want to go into a profession that requires helping people? Am I for real?

I don’t want to be helpless, and I don’t want to give up, but I just don’t know how to get over this fear. There’s so much fear and it’s crowding everything else out. Some days, I feel like I can conquer it, but I can’t tell if that’s real or if I just did a good job of faking being competent that day.

I don’t want to be a cliched mess, but until I can figure out how to take a step forward again, I’m everything I fear.

thebootydiaries

You: later gator

Me, an intellectual: the future holds a large reptile

lisaminnci

STUDIO GHIBLI + FOOD

The Secret World of Arrietty (2010) Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) Tales from Earthsea (2006) Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) Spirited Away (2001) When Marnie Was There (2014) The Cat Returns (2002)

[ part 1 ] [ part 2 ] [ part 3 ]

“Are you happy? You seem happy lately.”

Am I? When I’m doing simple tasks, refilling my cup, making coffee, putting my laundry in, taking a shower, I feel content almost, lighter.

But then you leave me alone, for example, trying to fall asleep early for work, and my brain goes into hyperdrive.

And all the layers I wear during the day starts to peel away, one by one, leaving me exposed with all my worries and anxieties.

I got into a band out of early quarantine boredom, but then I fell into the rabbit hole and it’s become the only thing keeping me going day to day. It’s one of the few things I have for myself. It brings me the joy I can’t find lately, because all I have on my mind is “why didn’t I accomplish more? Why didn’t I try harder? Why was I so lazy? When will I face the shame and fix this? When and how do I overcome this biggest thing in my life right now? How do I repair something that feels so broken? How is it possible to hate someone so much, yet also miss the idea of them?”

I can single handedly count the things that make me feel safe. The group, the family, the band, the music, the few remaining people. And I wear these comforts, these safe places, like layers over myself, trying to wrap myself in them, occupy my headspace with them, fixate on them, so I don’t lose myself to my insane mind.

The only times I’m exposed are moments like these, when I’m trying to sleep. The layers are inactive, and I’m too hyperactive. I can feel everything, I can remember everything and it’s too much.

Every second I need a distraction, or else it feels like I’ll go over the edge.

i knew i was gonna blow up eventually

the anger was always there

my anxiety is off the charts and I don’t know how to deal with it

Some days are really heavy, and today i am both weighed down and jaded

I couldn’t fall asleep last night bc I felt so anxious, and now I know why

dexfiles

I suddenly noticed, surprisingly, that my scars, for the first time in years, are fading, because I haven’t reopened them in a very long time.

I am healing.

I am trying to give myself the best of the rest of my twenties.

I am trying to move forward.

I am putting myself first.

I’m finding my way, and I’m working towards success.

And I have you to thank.

i have so many thoughts today and they don’t know where to go or how to feel resolved

the world is so unfair

i’ve always looked up to my friend, i wanted to be like her, she was my role model, she inspired me to do better, to be smarter, to be successful, to be everything i’ve always wanted to be but was too afraid to do

she’s so bright and brilliant and beautiful and kind and funny and relatable and successful and motivational. when you’re in her presence, all you feel is inspiration, motivation, the desire to do better, be better. she makes you want to be your best self, to be happy and kind

and her relationship with her mom was one to be jealous of, her mom made you want to be that kind of parent in the future, her mom was her best friend and more so it is not fair that this would happen to someone so amazing, and i am in such pain and sadness for her, to the point that i can’t even fathom why i am feeling so much

it’s funny bc i feel more sad about this than losing my best friend, which is a whole other topic, but maybe it’s because my loss had a reason, it made sense, but this? it makes no sense to me, and it makes me feel like this world is just full of injustice that never ever ends, and its like all of 2020 seems to be this way, and i just don’t get it, i don’t fucking get it

and i continue to feel surprised by the fact that i don’t miss him more, that i’m not more devastated by the fact that i lost him, because for the last 10 years, all i’ve been afraid of was losing him, and afraid of how i would feel and be after it happened, but i’m .... doing fine. and that kinda scares me. because shouldn’t i feel something much more after having been so deep in this friendship to the point that it almost ruined me?

i don’t get it. i feel like i should be feeling more than this. sure, i’ve had a few days where i missed him, where i saw something and wanted to tell him but ..... nothing more than that?

i’m not sitting at home, trying to cope with this loss, because i’ve been feeling fine, and that scares me because does it mean i didn’t care at all? does it invalidate everything i did and felt?

but i don’t think so. everything inside me tells me that i truly did care about this friendship, too much, as evident by the mental and emotional damage i suffered. every past memory i have, every picture, every conversation, shows me that i really did care so so much, but maybe that damage is the answer to my question

god my thoughts are a mess tonight

My friend’s mom passed away today from cancer, and I felt an overwhelming rush of sadness. And it’s weird, because I had never met her mom, and I haven’t even talked to said friend in over two years. So it’s a weird kind of ... distant sadness, disassociation and sympathy. And I think part of it is because I witnessed her close relationship with her mom, I witnessed the love and the care, I remember the way she talked about her mom, the way she talked about her entire family. I remember when she first confided in me about the cancer, I remember being there at the beginning, even though I wasn’t really there after that, just due to natural drifting apart. I witnessed the journey online after that, I saw her struggle and her hopes. I saw how she became motivated by this, how it changed her.

And I really wish her mom made it through. My friend deserves all the best things in life, because she’s just brilliant, beautiful, talented. She doesn’t deserve this bad hand in life. She deserves so much more. More time, more solutions.

I wish her the best. And I grieve for her.

i feel myself close to wanting to dissociate again

i have a lot of energy lately, just mental energy, and i need to direct it somewhere

idk

ups and downs i guess

I’ve been looking back on this past month, trying to sort out the timeline of events.

Exactly 3 weeks ago, I finally had a breakdown, sitting in my car parked in an empty parking lot, fed up with the pressure from family and work and future, with no one to go to, and feeling trapped, and faced with just a lack of empathy and sympathy from you. I felt boxed in, I felt like no one understood or heard me. That was also the first day of my 3 weeks off.

3 days later, after suffocating for so long, in lack of real communication, and feeling a need for companionship, I reached out and accepted a hand, an offer, and since then, I’ve never been more grateful for these people in my life. I can’t really describe the feeling of why I finally jumped in and became active and a real part of the group after being MIA and passive for so long, but just that I felt so lost at the time, so in need of people, of comfort, of a safe place, of change, of understanding and kindness and empathy, that I reached out and accepted it.

I did not expect, however, to be accused, guilted, invalidated, 4 days later. I did not expect to lose you so suddenly. I did not expect that I would find a safe place, but be unable to keep you around as a result.

But looking back, it makes sense. All of June was filled with anxiety and pressure and stress. I lost so much weight, I was in constant pain from the stress. I felt trapped, lost, and was in desperate need of a change. And that breakdown, on the last day of June, was a wake up call, that led me to reach out, led me to embrace them, led me to accept their offer. It was just a game, but it changed everything. It made you lash out. It woke me up, it made me realize some things, it made all of us reevaluate everything. It saved me. Looking back, all of it was building up to this big change.

I go back to work in two days. These three weeks have been life-changing, tumultuous, but I’m grateful for where I am standing right now. I found some peace, relief from stress, lower levels of anxiety, at the very end.

I truly feel like I went through a change, an awakening or something.

I wish you were here to see it, but at the same time, everything happened partially because you set it in motion.

And so, life goes on.

2020 is the year of change, and I can feel it in myself.

My heart kinda aches

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs