So I no longer live with my alcoholic mother, haven’t for a while, and I thought I was “over” the trauma of the whole situation. But now I’m coming to the realization that all the shit Ive been dealing with in the last few years are due to growing up with her in my life and I just... I dont know what to do. My relationships with my friends and all my family are so unhealthy because of how I’ve been conditioned to form relationships with people and I just dont know how to fix any of it, advice?
Well, you’ve already taken a really great first step, which is recognizing that you have trauma still, and that it’s effecting you.
As far as advice, I’m not a professional (if you can seek professional help I suggest it) so I can only offer what I’ve been doing and has helped me. Although not always in ways I want.
Anyway. The big advice? You have to be willing to see those relationships end.
One of my big issues due to my alcoholic father (and family life in general due to his drinking) is that I struggle with confrontation. I hate to bring up that people are upsetting me or that their actions are hurting me, or that I want more/less/something different from the current arrangement, because I’m used to them dismissing my feelings at best or getting angry at me at the worst. So my relationships with friends, even my good ones, are marked by an avoidance of tough topics. I let things slide constantly because I don’t want to upset people or have them hate me.
But lately I’ve been making those conversations happen. Even something as small as saying “no, I don’t want to hang out with you today because I’m tired.” And it sucks and it’s hard and sometimes my relationships with those people suffer. But that in itself is actually a good thing, because I’m slowly learning to stand up for myself and my own needs regardless of how other people react.
It’s too easy to sit there and think “this is okay, I can live with this” when it comes to unhealthy relationships. Maybe even convince yourself you’re happy with it. But you’re living a lie when you do that, and it’s so unfair to yourself. You’re never going to actually be happy or healthy.
Pick something that you know is unhealthy in your relationships, and decide how to fix it. Maybe you’re like me and you’re too much of a doormat. Maybe you attach yourself to people who always ‘need’ you (but give you nothing in return) so you feel wanted. Maybe you pick friends who only seem to hate things so you’re always angry and negative with them. Whatever it is, you have to decide how you’re going to stop giving into that habit.
Give yourself room to start small! I had one conversation with someone in person and I practiced for a week to say it. I need to have another conversation with that same person but this time I’m going to text them because I can’t muster up the energy to have a face-to-face. (Don’t feel bad if you need to text someone instead of talking to them in person. It’s hard sometimes to make room in conversations for big things to be said.)
And accept it if those relationships end when you try to fix them. If they’re built on something unhealthy, they’re not worth preserving in the long run. But let yourself be sad or angry, too. You invested time in those relationships and want to think that these people would be willing to accomodate your needs or growth and it’s natural to be upset if things don’t have the outcome you hoped for. And when you start over, look for those bad habits and don’t let them into the new relationships you build.
I realize I’m rambling, but I guess I just think it’s important for those of us who grew up with alcoholic parents to learn how to fight for our own health and needs even if that means shaking up the status quo. Sometimes you have to start over, I guess.
I hope this was helpful in any way, you;re always free to chat more.