Forty Things I Learnt Before Turning Forty

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 31

I’ve learnt it takes nothing to be kind. You only have to turn on the news or scroll through a social media feed to see that the world we live in can be a pretty harsh place. Especially in the last 18 months of the global pandemic that is Covid-19, life has been tough and challenging for us all. The way we consume news has changed rapidly over time and it seems that we are constantly bombarded with devastation locally and internationally, which often makes it difficult to avoid negativity. This negativity can then permeate into our own lives if we aren’t careful, which is why I believe kindness is so important and it starts within ourselves.

I think that the harshest criticism that we can ever receive, is that which comes from ourselves. Whether it’s punishing ourselves for a mistake we made, beating ourselves up over a missed opportunity, at times no matter what the circumstances or who else might be involved, we are always hardest on ourselves. This is why self-talk, self-compassion, showing kindness to ourselves is so important. The perfect song to remind us to be kinder to ourselves is P!nk’s ‘Fuckin’ Perfect.’

You’re so mean when you talk About yourself, you were wrong Change the voices in your head Make them like you instead So complicated Look happy, you’ll make it Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game It’s enough, I’ve done all I can think of Chased down all my demons I’ve seen you do the same

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing You’re fuckin’ perfect to me

In life, we will inevitably come into conflict. Most times we will have the opportunity to decide whether we draw our sword and battle, or we retreat and walk away. One of my favourite quotes from Pat Peoples in Matthew Quick’s novel ‘The Silver Linings Playbook’ is, “I am practicing being kind over being right.” I try to summon this in my head when deciding if it’s worth going into battle. Sometimes you know very well that you are right and that it would take very little effort to prove that to someone else, but for what result? Oftentimes I will also remind myself of another favourite saying (from Mark Twain), “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” Or often it can be better to adjust our mindset towards that person and believe that they are doing the best that they can. In Brene Brown’s ‘Dare To Lead,’ she shares how her husband Steve adopts a positive attitude, despite questioning if a person is really doing their best. “I don’t think you can ever know for certain. But I do know that my life is better when I work from the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can.” For me, adopting an attitude like this is not only kind to them, but also yourself, another way of protecting your peace.

Sometimes the win comes from walking away from a battle, knowing that you haven’t caused any unnecessary damage. This may seem like a weakness, but mark my words, I can just as easily put someone in their place if the situation calls for it. I was raised to be polite but this can often be exploited by others, so it’s necessary to know when not to be silent. As @taylorswift said in an article she wrote for Elle magazine, you need to “Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake — only bite if someone steps on you.” It’s a fine line, but I think with time and experience I’ve learnt to find that balance. @taylornation sings about this in a song dedicated to her late grandmother, ‘marjorie’

Never be so kind, you forget to be clever Never be so clever, you forget to be kind

Never be so polite, you forget your power Never wield such power, you forget to be polite

I think it’s just as important to speak up, especially if by saying nothing, results in a misunderstanding between two people. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

In this day and age, trolling seems to be a favoured pastime of many. I don’t get the appeal. What satisfaction could you possibly get from spreading negativity. And especially from behind a screen. It seems pretty pointless and cowardly to me. I mean, most of the time, the online hate that is thrown towards celebrities won’t even reach their eyes or ears. And even if it did, I can’t imagine they would care anyway. I discovered a quote when reading Jay Shetty’s ‘Think Like A Monk’ from Japanese Buddhist philosopher Daisaku Ikeda. He said, “It is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others.” For me, I feel sorry for those trolling, similarly to bullies. The one thing that I tell my students when they have been the victim of bullying, is that it says more about the bully as a person than it does them. The bully is clearly not happy within themselves or with their own life and they think they can make themselves happy by bringing someone else down. How sad is that? Sometimes the only way to combat their negativity is to follow the advice from Selena Gomez to ‘Kill Em With Kindness.’

There’s always somebody you’re willing to fight, to be right

Your lies are bullets, your mouth’s a gun No war and anger was ever won Put out the fire before igniting Next time you’re fighting

Please, kill ’em with kindness

One thing I have found positive power in, is that of random acts of kindness and paying it forward. There is nothing better than doing something nice for someone, knowing that they won’t be able to repay you. It’s like the quote that states we should ‘plant trees whose shade you do not plan to sit in.’ A chaplain I once worked with introduced me to the concept of ‘filling someone’s bucket.’ The idea is that we fill someone’s bucket by doing or saying something nice for another person and in doing so it also makes us feel better, therefore filling our own bucket. Delta Goodrem sings about this in her song ‘Kill Them With Kindness.’

Making sure the world is a better place for everyone Send out the love you want to receive To people that you see in the streets Take the chance to do something kind

I believe in peace, I believe in us I believe we can change the world With one act of love

I honestly believe that no good comes from hate, anger and negativity; but so much can come from kindness, love and positivity. At the end of the day, we could all do well to remember Martin Luther King Jr’s quote, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 30

I learnt the importance of being unapologetically ME! I read a quote recently that said something along the lines of that in life we aren’t finding ourselves, we are becoming ourselves, which I loved, but at the same time didn’t entirely agree with. For me, I think sometimes in life, we do get lost. Lost in the expectations of others that we think we ought to be living up to. Lost when we are in different relationships, personally and professionally. And at times we need to rediscover ourselves, which I understand in a sense is how we become our authentic self. For me, turning thirty was a defining point in my life where I first remember I truly felt I was ME!

I saw a psychic medium in my late twenties and one thing that really hit home for me, was when she suggested I needed to release the self-made guilt, responsibility and loyalty. She told me to release old ways of doing things — old ideas, beliefs and notions. It made me reflect on the person I was and the decisions I was making in life; whether or not they were for me or to please the people around me. I came to see that the ‘plan’ I had for my life was created based on the ideas and beliefs of others and what society said was ‘normal.’ The greatest internal battle was the desire to be who I wanted to be and who I knew I was versus who I thought my family, friends and society told me I should be.

This realisation that I was living a life for others and not completely for myself wasn’t entirely a bad thing. I realise now, that some of my best qualities and characteristics have been shaped by my family and loved ones. I had to reconcile the idea of who I wanted to be with the person (I thought) others wanted me to be and ensure I wasn’t compromising me in the equation. In an episode of ‘The Secret Life Of Us,’ Dr Alex Christensen returns to her high school to speak to current students. She explains the weird feeling she got when she was called ‘Doctor’ for the first time and how she hadn’t yet seen herself as a doctor. She said:

“I understood that people were seeing me from a different perspective from the way that I’d always seen myself. And so, in a way, I had to rethink my own view of myself. It’s a critical moment for us all. But what’s more important, I believe, is how we use this realisation. When we understand this, when we embrace all our contradictions, only then are we equipped, fully equipped to find our true place in the world.”

After seeing the psychic medium, I felt a confidence to embrace the contradictions of who I was, rather than feel ashamed and hide them. For so long I had felt afraid to express certain parts of me, for fear of people not being accepting of who I was. This in turn made it hard for me to like the person I was, because it was a person I was pretending to be. Savage Garden’s song ‘This Side Of Me,’ explores this idea of wanting to showing one’s true self. Darren Hayes sings:

And in the dark I want to find that golden glow within

’Cause I am not afraid to let you see this side of me

It was after seeing the psychic and turning thirty that I feel I began to take steps towards truly becoming happy with who I was and the me I wanted to be and have people see. I began the work of getting to know the me I wanted to be and letting that side of me shine.

When studying to become a teacher, it’s made clear that you need to be very reflective. It’s drummed into you that you need to be reflective at the end of each lesson, of your teaching style, your behaviour management, how you set up the room, the list is endless. I have no doubt that reflection is a natural part of all professions, but it’s showed me the importance of using this skill in all aspects of who I am, not just the teacher in the classroom. If we aren’t reflective, we can’t grow. David Chang discusses the importance of self-reflection in his memoir, ‘Eat A Peach,’ using the analogy of a lobster. He says:

“There’s an old myth that lobsters are immortal. They never show signs of getting old. They don’t slow down until they day they’re cooked and eaten. Lobsters grow by molting. They shed their old shell to reveal a new, soft shell that will eventually harden around them. By the time they’re done, there’s no sign of the lobster they were. It’s an exhausting, dangerous process. It takes a tremendous amount of energy and leaves them exposed and vulnerable while they’re in the middle of it. Want to know the only sign a lobster is dying? It stops molting. Never again would we fear the gruelling work of breaking ourselves down and gluing ourselves back together again. That cycle of building and destroying and rebuilding is not something to overcome. The human equivalent of not wanting to molt is trying to make life easy, refusing to grow or be self-reflective.”

Sometimes we are forced into situations that allow us the time and space to look inward to ask ourselves if we are on the right path. The global pandemic has been one of those times that has allowed us the opportunity to do so. No matter where we are in the world, Covid-19 has had an impact on us, some more so than others. I really enjoyed the conversation between @taylorswift and Jack Antonoff as they discussed recording ‘folklore’ during this period of time. Jack said:

“In our dismantling of all our systems of life that we’ve known in the pandemic we’re left with two options. Either cling to it and make it work of just say “Ok, I guess I’m gonna turn a new path and get a frontier mentality. Everything’s a blur so I’m just gonna rewrite it.”

I know for me it was a great opportunity to think about what was important to me and what I could leave behind. Letting go of all those things that weren’t contributing positively and productively to the person I aim to be. It made me think about how I spend my time and the notion that I had to ‘use up’ my whole weekend seeing people and doing things, otherwise it was a wasted two days. It made me realise the importance of prioritising the things I love and how it’s more about quality over quantity. It’s a sentiment that @taylornation reflected on with Jack, saying:

“There’s something about the complete and total uncertainty of life that causes endless anxiety, but there’s another part the release of pressures you used to feel. Because if we’re going to have to recalibrate everything, we should start with what we love the most first.”

It reminded me that in times of any disaster, whether it’s a global pandemic, a health scare, losing a job or the breakdown of a relationship, the importance in taking the time to discover who you are. Finding yourself in order to become who you want to be. And sometimes that may take time, as Taylor Swift sings in ‘happiness’:

And in the disbelief I can’t face reinvention I haven’t met the new me yet

It may take some time to find the new person you want to become after a disaster. Similarly, we can find ourselves changed in the blink of an eye after a completely unexpected event. Things happen that will change us and Katharine McPhee’s song ‘Stranger Than Fiction’ is a good reminder of that.

I found love when I least expected it I found faith from a night of no regrets I found me in a place too crazy to mention Let’s say that life is stranger than fiction

I found love from the strength of letting go I found faith from the nights spent on my own I found me in a place too crazy to mention Let’s say that life is stranger than fiction

Another thing that I’ve learnt is to be open to all experiences and how they might influence and change us. Never be so rigid in our own mindset, that the things around us could change us for the better. It’s one of the things I love most about travelling, especially when I go outside of my comfort zone, travelling alone. I know for a fact that part of who I am today, I’ve become because of the people and places I’ve met on my many overseas adventures, especially those unplanned moments where a crazy chance of coincidence lands you in the right place at the right time with the right person.

Sometimes the circumstances of life, will force you into situations where you begin to forget who you are and the person staring back at you in the mirror is unrecognizable. In the musical ‘Waitress,’ the protagonist, Jenna comes to the realisation she has ended up in a life, not of her choosing. She sings in ‘She Used To Be Mine’:

It’s not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it’s all true

It’s easy to believe sometimes we are the person based on the circumstances life lands us in. I love the quote, “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” We don’t have to be defined by the failures we’ve faced, the health diagnosis we’ve been given. We choose who we want to be. I love Jenna’s epiphany in the song where she is determined to make a change for herself.

And you’re not what I asked for If I’m honest I know I would give it all back For a chance to start over And rewrite an ending or two For the girl that I knew

We will inevitably face people who will try to tell us who they think we are or should be, based on information they’ve heard (whether it’s true or baseless rumours). They’ll make assumptions about us before they even know us. We have no control over the version of ‘us’ that other people choose to see us as, because the truth is, we only ever know the version of a person that they chose to show us. At the end of the day, we should not put too much time and effort into the thoughts and opinions others have of us. I’ve always loved the saying “Lions don’t lose sleep over opinions of sheep.” Billie Eilish reflects on this very thing in her song, ‘Not My Reponsibility’:

Who decides what that makes me, what that means? Is my value based only on your perception? Or is your opinion of me not my responsibility?

I’ve learnt to drop any mask that I’ve worn, choosing to be unapologetically me. What you see is what you get. And if you don’t like it, you don’t have to be around me. I’ve come to really LOVE ME! I’ve seen different variations of self-love quotes over the years and have remixed my own that I’ve used in countless pep talks to students, colleagues, family and friends over the years.

“The one person that you will spend your entire life with, is yourself. So you better love yourself as much as you can.”

So whether you are finding yourself or becoming yourself, the most important thing I’ve learnt is to base it on what you love. We attract what we are, so it makes sense to embrace the things we love and let go of the nuanced complexities we create to fit into different groups we think are cool or popular, but just aren’t us. In the closing words of Taylor Swift’s song ‘Daylight,’ which closes the ‘Lover’ album:

I wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things that I’m afraid of, I’m afraid of Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night I, I just think that You are what you love

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 29

I learnt that home isn’t just one place. I grew up in a small coastal town in Central Queensland called Yeppoon. Its changed a lot over the years since I’ve left, going from a quiet little beach town with a no fast food chains and just round-abouts, to having McDonald’s, more cafes than you can poke a stick at and even traffic lights. I remember the excitement I felt when I had finished university and was moving to the ‘big smoke’ of Brisbane for my first teaching job. I can still vividly picture in my mind the morning I left, stopping into my grandparents house (they lived only a street away) to say my goodbyes, the bittersweet feeling of leaving all that I’ve known but ready for a new adventure. I don’t think there’s been a day since, where I haven’t not considered Yeppoon my home.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve felt that to become ME, I had to leave home. It seemed the message was everywhere around me as a child and teenager, in the tv shows and movies I watched, the books I read. The blue print to all these stories, involved the protagonist growing up in a small town and having to leave to somewhere bigger and busier. And so I grew up that without a doubt, I would move to a city once I had finished university. Brene Brown explores the theme of having to leave to find yourself in her ‘Unlocking Us’ podcast with queer Puerto Rican author, Gabby Rivera. Rivera says, “It is something that has been kind of fed to us. Especially if you live in an urban environment or a rural environment. There’s this push. You’ve got to leave, you’ve got to go to the big city, you’ve got to do this. But you don’t need to completely let go of yourself and your upbringing.” New people will come in and out of our lives, supporting and guiding us on our journey, some will stay, while others will leave, but all contributing in some way to our self-discovery and growth. Brene adds that, “Our heroes learn that they had what it took all along, in their hearts and in their souls and it is actually fuelled by their ancestry and their origin.” I know deep down that a lot of the strength and determination I have used to get through challenges over the years, has come from those I love most, my parents and grandparents. And I’m reminded of this anytime I talk to my students about the fact that they have all THEY need to overcome their obstacles and challenges, using Dorothy from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ as an example. From the moment she arrived in Oz, she had all she needed to get back home, but she also needed to go through certain trials and tribulations to realise that’s what she wanted.

Since leaving Yeppoon, I’ve lived in two different cities in seven different apartments. No matter where I’ve lived, anytime I have gone back to Yeppoon, I’ve said ‘I’m going home.” One song that always stirs up the emotions for me, which I’d often hear on the inflight entertainment, is ‘Home’ by Michael Buble.

Another airplane Another sunny place I’m lucky I know But I wanna go home Mmm, I got to go home

Let me go home I’m just too far From where you are I wanna come home

No matter how far and wide I’ve travelled across this planet, and how old I’ve gotten, there is nothing like the feeling of going home. For me, going back to visit my parents and sleep in my childhood bedroom, brings me back to simpler times. I remember when I first moved away, it felt like such a chore to go home to the sleepy, slow-paced town, but now there’s nothing I love more. To go back to spend some quality time with loved ones I don’t get to see regularly, see the ocean each morning when I wake up and get some sand between my toes. Yeppoon will always be home, no matter where I end up.

I’ve come to realise that home doesn’t necessarily have to be one place. After many years, Brisbane really became home to me. So many ‘first’ memories happened to me here and many life-long memories continue to be made here. It’s strange how Melbourne felt like home almost immediately when I moved there. It was at this point I realised home doesn’t necessarily have to be a place it can be a person. I moved to Melbourne for love and it was the first time I’d lived with a partner. Discovering a new city with all these feelings of new beginnings with someone I adored, was extremely comforting, like home. I think we could’ve moved anywhere, and it would’ve felt like home.

The song ‘Home’ by Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros is not only a track that gets my toes tapping and into a good mood, but reminds me of this sentiment.

Oh, home, let me come home Home is wherever I’m with you Oh, home, let me come home Home is wherever I’m with you

We collect and store memories in our hearts, that we can cherish dearly for years and years, but also find comfort in during hard times. In those times where it’s not possible to get ‘home,’ I’ve always found that if I look inward and unlock some of those memories, I can always begin to feel better again. A song that reminds of me this is Mathew V’s ‘Home.’

And if I go, save a place for me Promise that you’ll love me still and you’ll remember me And on the hard days, know you’re not alone Wherever your heart is, is where it feels like home

So whether I’m back with family in Yeppoon, amongst friends in Brisbane, Melbourne or anywhere in the world, or even on my own, stuck in my feelings, as the wise Dorothy Gale says, “there’s no place like home.”

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 28

I’ve learnt that sometimes it’s not actually the end when you think it is and that there is often something more magical and amazing still in store for you.

One thing I always loved back in the era of CDs with the release of new music, was the complete surprise when there was a hidden bonus track at the end of an album. Just when you thought it was over, a surprise song popped up after a long gap of silence. Like the well-known quote says, ‘it’s not over until the fat lady sings,’ we can’t assume that a current situation is irreversible or that the end is clearly determined.

It’s a great reminder that sometimes the best is still to come and that often there is a hidden message that will carry you into your next chapter. In her memoir, ‘More Myself,’ Alicia Keys reflects on record executives telling her that she should go solo rather than be a part of a band and how sometimes no matter how badly we want a dream to come true, sometimes it’s not enough. That “growth requires movement. And often, the only way forward is through an exit door.” Our attitude towards endings is what dictates the influence it will have on us and our future.

I’ve always been an optimistic person, holding hope that things will work out as they are supposed to. It’s given me the ability to find a silver lining in all situations. I think it’s why, once I get past the initial shock and devastation of abrupt endings, I’m able to find that glimmer of hope that guides me forward, onwards and upwards. Natalie Imbruglia poetically poses the notion that whatever problem you are facing, to have faith that with time,

Her bones will ache, her mouth will shake And as the passion dies her magic heart will break She’ll fly to France, but there’s no chance No hope for Cinderella

Come September Everything wrong gonna be alright Come September

A quote I heard in the film ‘The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel,’ (which has been quoted by many others before including John Lennon and author Paulo Coelho) that I’ve always loved is, ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.’ It reinforces the idea that when things seem dark, gloomy, hard and tough, when it feels like it is the end; chances are it’s not. There’s often bigger and better things to come. As Kylie Minogue sings, “It’s never too late, we’ve still got time.”

I always loved when playing video games as a kid, those moments where you can see your energy bar getting lower and lower and you feel like all hope is lost, when all of a sudden you see a power up and your life in the game is extended. It’s an attitude that I’ve tried to adopt growing up; that when the clouds are rolling in, to look for that burst of sunshine that is fighting its way through the clouds. Focussing on that and moving in its direction.

Colplay’s track ‘O,’ which is in fact a hidden bonus track from their album ‘Ghost Stories’ speaks to the theme of never giving up. Chris Martin’s voice can be heard repeating the phrase, “Don’t ever let go” during the ambient piece of music, which closes out the album. Before that, he sings,

Still I always Look up to the sky Pray before the dawn ’Cause they fly always One minute they arrive Next you know they’re gone They fly on

Ohhh so fly on, ride through Maybe one day I’ll fly next to you

I love the hope in the song. It stirs up clear imagery of birds flying across the horizon as the sun goes down, highlighting the inevitable end of each day, but resisting the urge to hold onto something that can’t last forever. The silent prayer that is said, wishing them well on their journey and the belief that it won’t be the last time they’ll be seen; finishing with the hope that one day too he’ll be able to soar with them.

Not all endings have to be seen as finite. Choosing to believe that there’s always a better day ahead, despite how things end when the sun goes down, is the way I’ve found best to view endings. And as Rachel Berry and the many students from William McKinley High School in ‘Glee’ sung,

Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues Oh, the movie never ends It goes on and on, and on, and on

Don’t stop believin’ Hold on to that feelin’

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 27

I’ve learnt that I have the power to write my own story and at any moment I can change the narrative. Working with young people, I’m never surprised when my students don’t know what they want to do when they complete their education. Because at their age, neither did I. If you’d have asked me where I thought I’d be when I turned 40, there’s no way I would have guessed I would be where I am today, nor could I have imagined the things that I’ve done, the places I’ve been. My approach to life was to just go with the flow and end up where the wind blew me. And this worked quite well for me; until it didn’t. Until I ended up in situations that I wasn’t completely expecting, wanting or comfortable in. I began to understand the importance of putting the pen in my hand and writing my own story, not sitting on the sidelines waiting and watching it happen to me.

Author and educator Charles R. Swindoll said, “We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.” I instantly resonated with this. It was around the time where I had first experienced repeated failure, missing out on a few on a few promotions I had applied for, when previously I had seamlessly moved from one role to the next. I learnt that my attitude in how I reacted to this was so important and how I could orchestrate my next move.

I guess when you’re young and in the beginning of your career, you underestimate the power you have to make your own moves and pave your own path. We often look up to others to show us the ropes and learn from others, which isn’t a bad thing. Baby birds must learn from their parents before they fly. But at some point, we need to leave the nest, spread our wings and go out on our own. A quote I love is, “If you follow the herd, you’ll never be heard.” You’ll always lose when you play someone else’s game, so we need to be the architect of our own lives. You can’t tell someone else’s story, so why expect anyone else to dictate or write yours. The ancient Indian text, the Bhagavad Gita says, “It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.”

It’s easy to feel helpless and lost in life, when we think we are trapped in unfavourable situations, be it a job, relationship, living situation or when we experience setbacks or failures in any of these areas. But harnessing the power to write our own endings is the attitude needed to move forward. I love the analogy of a bow and arrow used to describe life’s challenges. In an episode of the finale season of ‘Glee,’ Will Schuester gives Rachel Berry a pep talk after she’s experienced a huge disappointment and failure. He explains that it was just one misstep and how he believes that there’s always something else out there for us. He then goes on to say, “The power is created by the bending of the bow, so the more the bow bends, the more potential energy is created. Life’s challenges are just the bending of the bow. The bigger the challenge, the more the bow bends, the more potential you create to do something amazing. All you have to do, is just find a purpose. Find the arrow that you’re going to put in the bow.”

In an episode of ‘Scandal,’ Olivia Pope tells a client they need to end an affair they are having with someone who’s already married, saying: “You’re letting your whole life pass you by. You’re frozen in time. You’re holding your breath. You’re a statue, waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Living for stolen moments in hotel hallways and coat closets. You keep telling yourself they all add up to something real, because they have to, but they don’t. They won’t. They never will. Because stolen moments aren’t a life.”

The only person that can get us out of any situation is ourselves. Yes, there will always be people around us to support us, but it must start with us CHOOSING to. Picking up the pen and having the desire to create a new narrative. One that suits US, not others. Otherwise we are going through life always sitting in the backseat of a taxi, letting someone else control the journey. We need to take the wheel and take control ourselves. Knowing where we want to go is important, otherwise, as the Cheshire Cat says in ‘Alice in Wonderland,’ “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.”

Sometimes in life we have to write people out of our lives, otherwise we get stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for them to come back, or waiting for them to change. Other times, rather than waiting our turn for the job to be offered to us, we need to be proactive and create our own destiny and making it happen. And sometimes we need to do this even when we don’t want to. Heidi Priebe writes in her collection of essays, ‘This Is Me Letting You Go,’ “You stop waiting for someone to come back by choosing to go forward without them. And perhaps this is the saddest, simplest truth — that we must deliberately move ourselves away from the people we have loved and lost or else we will stay lost alongside them. That forward, alone, may not be the most desirable option but it is the only one we have.” Otherwise we end up in the frozen moments like @taylorswift sings about in ‘right where you left me.’

Help, I’m still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say, “What a sad sight” I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared Right where you left me

It can feel overwhelming which path to take, knowing which opportunities to take or let pass, but as American restaurateur, David Chang says, in his memoir ‘Eat A Peach,’ “Nobody knowns anything, so do what you want.” It’s about adopting the attitude of throwing out fear and marching to the beat of your own drum. Chang goes on to say, “Forget everything you think and embrace what you see. You simply can’t rely on common wisdom (in the kitchen). Most of it is built on half-truths and outdated assumptions. Be open to every idea.” Regardless of how clear our vision is for the future, life will continuously throw us curve balls and we will end up in situations we didn’t expect or anticipate. What we always have to remember is that the pen is in OUR hand, and “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 26

I learnt that goodbyes never get easier to say but they are a beautiful part of life. Goodbyes come in all shapes and forms; some catch us by surprise, others are inevitable; some are by the doing of others, whilst some we reluctantly need to do for ourselves. We learn so many different ways of saying goodbye; Adios, Arrivederci, Au Revoir, Ciao, Auf Wiedersehen, Sayōnara. Whatever the context, and regardless of the language, I’m not sure goodbyes ever get any easier to do.

When I was younger I remember hating the thought of saying goodbye. I have a vivid memory of watching The Flying Doctors with my family and getting so emotional when a character had passed away that I went to the bathroom to cry alone. In my early twenties, I remember having the epiphany that one day my Grandparents would pass away and it was the first time I realised the inevitability of having to say goodbye to people I’d known and loved my entire life. I really resonated with the Natalie Imbruglia song, ‘What’s The Good In Goodbye’

What’s the good in goodbye When there are no reasons why When you’re gone I have nothing you know I don’t wanna say goodbye When there’s heaven in ‘hello’

As I’ve grown up, I’ve realised goodbyes are a natural part of life and they don’t always have to be sad. From the moment I saw this quote it struck a chord with me and I’ve used it ever since: “It’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later.” It would be impossible to keep count of the number of goodbyes I’ve said in my life; leaving school and saying goodbye to people I’d spent so many years growing up with, who for some you may never see again, others you may naturally drift away from. Moving away from home, the goodbyes to family that I will go from seeing almost daily to only seeing them at holidays or for significant events. Goodbyes to friends, lovers and colleagues; it is the inevitable and constant comings and goings of people in life.

Even when people leave our lives, they aren’t completely gone, even in death. There are photographs, videos, letters and the memories that we keep in our heads. For this reason, goodbyes can be a little easier to deal with, even those that have dearly departed. Patrick Droney speaks so beautifully about his song ‘Glitter,’ which explores the theme of grief. He says, “Consider for a moment your life as an art project. Grief stands out as one of the messiest strokes of life, like glitter scattered across the floor after a collage. The beautiful and shiny memories of people stick to you, as does the absence of them…when you think someone’s memory is gone, you find a piece of them still shining somewhere in your life. A piece of glitter.” The song has this feeling of hope shimmering along with sadness when someone leaves, and there is always beauty in the memories that remain.

But no one really dies if the love remains ’Cause nothing that dies really goes away See grief, it’s just like glitter It’s hard to brush away Bright light and it still shimmers Like it was yesterday And it falls like confetti All of the memories explode like a hand grenade And it’s sweet and it’s bitter Grief, it’s like glitter Oh, what a mess it makes What a mess it makes

A song that really touched me when my Gran passed away was ‘The Place Where Lost Things Go’ from ‘Mary Poppins Returns.’ It bought me great comfort, not only from the sentiment in the lyrics, but also the fact that the original movie was one that I had watched countless times with her, singing along to the lyrics that she had handwritten in a notepad for us.

Memories you’ve shared Gone for good you feared They’re all around you still Though they’ve disappeared Nothing’s really left Or lost without a trace Nothing’s gone forever Only out of place So when you need her touch And loving gaze Gone but not forgotten Is the perfect phrase Smiling from a star That she makes glow Trust she’s always there Watching as you grow Find her in the place Where the lost things go

I’m not entirely sure where the place is that the lost things go, but I choose to believe it’s within us. It’s been two years since she passed away and I still see her in my dreams, sometimes forgetting that she’s gone and think to call her on my drive home, (like I did so often after leaving home). I really felt her presence the afternoon I had high tea at Buckingham Gardens. It would have been something my Gran would have loved to do and I know she would have loved hearing my tell the story of going, asking to see all the photos I took. It was in this instance I knew she’d never be truly gone, as long as I had her memories, images and voice in my head and held onto the traditions she is a part of.

I’ve found the most difficult goodbyes are the ones you know you have to make to people or situations that no longer serve us positively. We cling to them and resist letting go, because so much of our past is tied to them and the hopes we have for the future. I’m quite a loyal person, but I’ve learned that there comes a time, when we need to put ourselves first. There is strength in saying goodbye to people and situations, acknowledging that in the short term it will hurt, but in the long run it’s the right thing to do. @taylorswift sings about this in ‘it’s time to go.’

That old familiar body ache The snaps from the same little breaks in my soul I know when it’s time to go

Sometimes giving up is the strong thing Sometimes to run is the brave thing Sometimes walking out is the one thing That will find you the right thing

Somewhere along the way we learn to say goodbye despite the pain we know it will bring, even when there is a desire to hold onto something that’s already gone. Some of the hardest goodbyes for me have come with leaving the schools I’ve taught at. Whilst I have many amazing memories in each of them, I’ve always reached the point of knowing that to continue growing, I need to leave. There is always the tendency to tell myself, “I just need to see this year level through to graduation,” or “Once I finish this project, it’ll be my time to go.” I’ve found that there will never be a RIGHT time to leave, no matter the various reasons we build in our heads as to why we need to stay. Despite some of the negative experiences that may have occurred, I’ve learnt to not harbour ill feelings and choose to see the good there was before ties are severed and the necessary goodbye has been said. There’s an amazing monologue in the Netflix film ‘Someone Great’ that describes this perfectly. The protagonist, Jenny, pens a letter to her partner, as a way of not only finding closure from their relationship, but acknowledging the good there was.

Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go. Maybe, also, one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But, in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time? One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. MY hope is if we add up the one more’s, they will equal a lifetime. And I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more ‘one mores.’ I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you. For me. But not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there– I guess we didn’t just grow apart……we grew UP. When something b r e a k s, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break. They s h a t t e r. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments — when the pieces of what we were catch the sun — I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it will always be. Because it was us. And we were magic. Forever.

I don’t think there’ll ever be a time where I find that goodbyes get any easier, but I know from my change in mindset, I’ve found a way of finding the good in goodbye.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 25

I learnt the importance of protecting my peace. I remember seeing a friend post on her Instagram stories a quote that really stopped me in my tracks. Protect Your Peace. I saw it pop up late December and remember thinking to myself, THIS is the mantra that I am going to take into the new year with me. And then it was even more apt once we all went into a global pandemic. Protecting your peace should be about brining kindness inwards as opposed to giving kindness outwards to others, often at the expense to one’s self.

Amongst the many pearls of wisdom Brene Brown has, one great quote that resonated with me around this theme is, “We can’t give people what we don’t have.” It reminded me of something a close friend of mine told me, which was “You can’t be everything to everyone.” Too often we spread ourselves too thin, trying to be different things for different people day in, day out and we forget about ourselves. To me, protecting my peace is about realising that we need to look after ourselves first (putting our own oxygen mask on first before assisting others) and realising what’s within our capacity to help and support others My default setting is to always be the problem solver, find solutions when anyone comes with an issue, but I’ve learnt to ask, “What do you need from me?” because sometimes the person just wants someone to listen and not necessarily offer any advice. This helps protect my own peace in a number of ways; the frustration we sometimes get when we offer advice and the person doesn’t listen anyway; feeling that we are taking on the problems of others and giving too much of ourselves.

It’s important to consider what you let in and what you leave behind when protecting your peace. Why open the door to anything that is going to drain your energy for no positive return? William Fitzsimmons sings in ‘You Let Me Down’

You let me down Were you afraid to just be happy? You let me down Maybe it’s time I let you go

Sometimes people find it difficult to be happy or find the positives in life. For me protecting my peace has been about recognising the differences in energy and removing myself from anything or anyone that is consistently draining my energy. I’m a very optimistic, looks on the brighter side of life kind of person and I know that it’s not how life always is or can be, but it can be exhausting being around pessimistic people, who no matter what, they will always find something wrong or something to whinge about. And if you spend too much time with them, they can bring you down into their negative spiral. Also, for your own peace, I’ve found the power in knowing it’s ok to walk away from them. Earth Goddess and writer Esther T, says:

If the vibes aren’t organic, walk away. If the energy feels off leave it alone. If your spirit doesn’t want it, don’t resist the rejection. By forcing your way through each chapter you’re only creating more delays, more obstacles and more roadblocks to appear in your path. By flowing through your journey, you’re aligning yourself with the right people, the right opportunities and the right doors to walk through. Accept what is. Don’t keep trying to make changes in areas of your life you don’t have control over. Let go of what was. There’s no need to keep entertaining your past, it’s already behind you for a reason. Follow the things that bring peace to your soul and don’t bother wasting your precious energy on anything else, your journey depends on it.

Albert Einstein identified that energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another. So it’s important that we are always conscious of investing our energy into the right places. James Smith talks about the lessons we can learn from Einstein in his book ‘Not A Life Coach.’ Smith says that ‘energy is always moving and you must protect your own. You only get so much in a lifetime. So if your ex wants to argue, don’t get involved; if someone wants to wind you up, don’t give it the energy. If you choose to (and again, it is a choice), you will be giving up energy that you could instead be giving to those you love, or at least to something that would give you a much better return on energy expended.’

I’ve used this idea of protecting my peace in countless contexts, to ensure my energy is protected. The global pandemic has put us all into a space that none of us have had any experience with and for me it was really important to remember to protect my peace. We were all navigating a situation that no one had any road map or instructions for. People were dealing with it the best way they could, none any more right or wrong than the other, just different. It could be easy to sit back and observe how others were seemingly coping with Covid better than us and getting down on ourselves. The best advice I took for myself (and offered to others) was to protect your peace; whatever that was for us individually. And how we each accomplish that can look, sound and feel very different; there’s no wrong answers. It was a matter of doing what I needed to do to be ok, to get through the chaos and uncertainty. This meant either engaging or disengaging from things, dependent on the peace it gave or took away from me.

I love what Delta Goodrem says in her book that accompanies her album ‘Bridge Over Troubled Dreams,’ when she explains the meaning behind her song ‘Solid Gold.’ Delta says, “I lead with love but if you can’t take in what I’m sending out, I’ll put that energy into something and someone else who can.” For me, this attitude truly epitomises what it means to protect your peace.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 24

I learnt to pay attention to the signs that appear in our lives. Life is always presenting us with signs, but sometimes we are too busy to recognise them. In my years as a teacher, I’ve seen signs or even patterns repeating; and depending on your mindset, these can often be good or bad. Whatever the situation, I always strive to find a silver lining, looking for the lesson involved as an opportunity to put into practice the strength or wisdom I’ve gained from a past situation. However, I can understand how some people may get stuck in the ‘why is this always happening to me’ narrative. The way I see it though, these things will continually happen to us, in some shape or form, until we have learnt what we need to learn from the situation/experience. In her song ‘exile’ @taylorswift sings, alongside Bon Iver:

I think I’ve seen this film before And I didn’t like the ending

The duet is a conversation that goes back and forth between a couple whose relationship has ended, surrounded by some ambiguity. This difference of perspective is definitely highlighted in the latter choruses where they sing in unison but also over the top of each other:

All this time I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn’t turn things around (you never turned things around) ’Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

Sometimes we can be blind to what’s really going on as we are overwhelmed by the emotions of the situation we are in. I’m sure we’ve all been there, be it in relationships, jobs or something else. But more times than not, the signs are there.

As Albert Einstein famously said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” These signs may come our way for a reason, history repeating, and it’s up to us if we choose to see them and learn from them, so we can create a new narrative, change our own endings.

Alicia Keys writes in her memoir, More Myself, “those patterns appear time and again, often cleverly disguised. And they’ll keep showing up until we’re willing to truly look at them. Before then, my life had been kicking and screaming, trying to get my full attention. I finally tuned in and took inventory. I had cleared my voice and my space, creating room for a miracle I couldn’t have known was coming.”

History will keep repeating, in different contexts and situations until we’ve learnt what we need to. I remember the second school I worked at and how after a number of years patterns or signs began to appear. At the time I remember thinking, “I’ve been here before.” By looking inward and reflecting, I was able to use what I’d learnt from similar past experiences and navigate the reoccurring situation more effectively. It was more about taking back control of a situation than letting the situation have control over me. Delta Goodrem sings about this exact notion in her song ‘Control,’

I, I’ve been at this too long, when I know that it’s wrong to be here Tonight, I’m just letting you know, I’m taking back control Watch as I leave, ache to your soul Baby, I’m taking back control

I guess it’s about how you treat your mind; and what you choose to give your attention to or focus on. If you continually focus on the negative, you’re more likely to see the negative in your day. Alternatively, the opposite is true; the more time you spend drawing your attention to the positives, the more likely you are to recognise all the good things in your day and your life. You need to do the work yourself, no one else can do it for you. For the longest time, I’ve loved the upbeat vibe of Ace of Base’s song ‘The Sign,’ and I believe the message to be so true.

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign Life is demanding without understanding I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign No one’s gonna drag you up To get into the light where you belong

But how do we get our minds to SEE these signs? Do things ever happen by chance? Or are there always signs, trying to warn us, guiding us in the right direction, bringing our focus to something important or a lesson we need to learn?

In his memoir, Greenlights, Matthew McConaughey reflects on this thought also.

“I had crossed a truth. Did I find it? I don’t know, I think it found me. Why? Because I put myself in a place to be found. I put myself in a place to receive it. How do we know when we cross a truth or a truth crosses us? I believe the truth is all around us all the time. The anonymous angels, the butterflies, the answers are always right there, but we don’t always identify, grasp, hear, see or access them — because we’re not in the right place to.”

It’s taken some time, but I feel like I’m better at noticing those patterns, those signs, the warnings to do things differently to avoid a repetition of hardship. I’ve gotten better at trusting my intuition and taking alternative routes when roads seem familiar. And just like @taylornation sings in ‘Look What You Made Me Do,’

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 23

I learnt that happy endings don’t exist as they do in fairy tales. Growing up I loved to read and I remember the feeling of getting lost within fairy tales. No matter the trials and tribulations the characters faced, there was always a happily ever after. From an early age we are conditioned to search for our own happy ever after, but I’ve come to think that perhaps they don’t exist. Now this may sound completely contradictory to my always optimistic approach to life, but let me explain. I believe more in life being littered with happy and sad moments, and that those happy ones are used to comfort us during those times of sadness.

The movies never show the actual ending. Of course, the story comes to an end but that’s not really THE END for those characters. Life still goes on for them, their story for us, is left unwritten. American writer and poet, Shel Silverstein’s poem ‘Happy Ending?’ echoes this sentiment,

There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a happy middle And a very happy start.

If everything worked out perfectly the first time, we would never find new ways of being, growing, challenging ourselves, finding new experiences. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, a hobby or something else, if it’s always smooth sailing, we can get stuck in complacency;. Doing the same thing, day in day out. Heidi Priebe ponders in one of her thought-provoking essays in ‘This Is Me Letting You Go,’ “Who are we to mandate that the stars all align in our favour and the fortunes always cater to our fates? When we chisel it down to probability, we’re already out on top here. So it’s only fair we put in some work.” Things will go our way sometimes, and other times against us. It’s unrealistic to think that our life will be one continuous happily ever after when we find ‘the one,’ whatever that may be.

In the series finale of Ryan Murphy’s ‘Pose,’ the protagonist Blanca Evangelista reflects on her journey (and that of her friends) that led each of them finding their happiness. She says so aptly, “Happy endings are for movies. We’ve been through too much pain to fool ourselves into thinking that all the bad is in the past, but I do believe in happy moments. Sometimes they last a minute, sometimes a year, but when they come, you gotta recognise and celebrate.”

For me, seeing my grandparents have 70 years of marriage together, my own parents coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary, relationships take hard work. It’s unrealistic to think that all those times are going to be great and a bed of roses for evermore. There’s moments of happy littered with bad and you have to move through the bad to get to the next happy. Natalie Imbruglia sings in ‘Build It Better,’

But nothing lasts forever When it all falls down, gotta build it better

Life is constantly about breaking down, healing and repairing; surviving then thriving; the constant meandering through the good and bad. Natalie’s song continues:

I’ll take down the pictures Read your letters one last time Trying not to remember All the good times at the start It’s never easy When things don’t last And it’s hard for my heart When I’m alone here in the dark But if it’s breaking, let it break

It’s important to realise that, as much as we want the happily ever after, we sometimes have to let go of some things that have made us once happy. But have faith in the knowledge that after some bad times, good times will come around again. @taylorswift sings so beautifully in her song ‘happiness,’

There’ll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true

We can’t ever know for sure that the path ahead is going to be easy or hard, being pleasure or pain, but as Heidi Priebe says so wonderfully:

“When you’re leaving behind a place or a person or a period of time when you were happy, you have to take yourself back to the start. You have to remember how unexpectedly you found so many of the things that ended up changing your life — how seemingly randomly the cards were stacked right before they unfolded the way they did.” So rather than yearn for some epic and grand fairy tale happy ending, I more realistically long for happy moments that I can appreciate at the time and revisit when I need to remind myself to smile through a hard time.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 22

I’ve learnt to take note of what works for ME! Life doesn’t necessarily get easier as you get older; so it’s important to identify those little life hacks that make day to day life that little bit less complicated. For me, some of those things include:

A good night time routine. I try my best to be in bed an hour before I want to fall asleep. I switch my phone to silent and do not disturb, pick up a book and read until I’m sleepy. Lush has a number of night time products (a face mask and body mist) that I sometimes use, that really helps me drift off into slumber land.

Knowing some simple recipes. The last thing anyone wants to do after a long day at work is cook dinner when you arrive home exhausted. Having a few simple recipes up my sleeve that use ingredients that I’m most likely to have in my pantry and fridge is a god sent. I do like to spend some time on a Sunday, looking at the week ahead and planning my meals, that way I know I’ll need. Thanks to my Mum, who the night before I moved out of home, took the time to write out a bunch of recipes for me, that I still have tucked away in a folder in my kitchen.

Investing in a good skin care regime. I’ve always had to be conscious of looking after my skin, being extremely prone to burning in the harsh Queensland sun and am always pleased when people say I look younger than I am. My advice to them is, sunscreen and moisturise. Thanks again to my Mum, who was always vigilant with ensuring we slip, slop, slapped as kids before going out in the sun. A face mask or facial from time to time is not only helpful, but a nice indulgent reward when life gets hectic.

Keeping active. As kids we were always made to participate in a Summer and Winter sport, which I think has developed a healthy, life-long attitude towards regular physical activity. I feel like this, coupled with ensuring I’m having a well balanced diet, has helped me to avoid any major illness and health concerns.

Creating a playlist for all occasions. I love music and the way it can help set a mood as well as comfort you in times of need. I make playlists in my phone for all sorts of moods. I have a battle songs playlist, for when I know I’ve got a tough day or situation in front of me, that gets me fired up and feeling strong; chilled playlist, for Sunday afternoons, winding down in the bath; sad songs playlist, for those times I want to just sit in my feelings and find solace in the lyrics of someone who’s been through it too; party playlist, for when I’m getting ready to go out. What I love about music is there is a song for any situation and they become the soundtrack to my life.

Buying gifts for people as I see something they would like, makes it easier when their birthday or a special event rolls by. It always seems like when you go out with the purpose of finding a birthday gift for someone, you can never find something you think they’ll like. So what I do now is, when I see something I know a friend of family member would like, I buy it straight away, storing it away for that special occasion. That way there’s no last minute, panic buying down the track.

Using the NOTES section in my phone. The Notes app is probably the most used app on my phone. I use it to keep inspiring quotes I come across; when I’m reading a book, instead of writing in the actual book, I take notes on my phone instead (I’ve never been the type of person who can dog ear or write in books); listing cafes, bars, restaurants I want to check out; creating dream travel itineraries; creating lists of books, tv shows, movies I want to check out; writing my own musings on my day, situations, life.

Using a ‘third space.’ Dr Adam Fraser’s book ‘The Third Space,’ has helped me really think about how I purposefully move between different roles and activities within my day. His work talks about using the ‘third space’ as a way to mentally ‘show up’ right for whatever comes next. My job as a high school teacher can be physically and mentally challenging. I use the drive home (a ‘third space’) to literally ‘shake off’ my day. I will either play my favourite songs and sing along at the top of my lungs (and if I’m really in the mood, do some car choreography) or phone family and friends. By the time I arrive home, I’m in a much better space to show up for what’s in store for my afternoon or evening.

Life’s too short to pretend you don’t like @taylorswift songs. I saw a meme with this quote and have loved it ever since. I feel like there’s a @taylornation song that can be used in any life situation. People getting you down? Shake It Off. Having issues with someone? Now we got Bad Blood. Need to remind yourself that you’re better off without an ex? We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. Serenading a partner? Darling, you’re my, my, my, my Lover. Convincing yourself that you’re justified in your act of revenge? Look What You Made Me Do. When someone is getting angry. You Need To Calm Down, you’re being too loud. Telling yourself how great you look before going out. We never go out of Style. Checking in to see if you’re out of trouble yet. Are we out of the woods yet?

As you get older, the challenges of life don’t get fewer, they just get different. So knowing what helps me get through the day easier is important; it’s like my personal survival kit of strategies for helping me navigate the bumps, twists and turns of life, that little bit better.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 21

I learnt to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Most people would choose to live and stay in their comfort zone given the chance. It’s cozy and warm, predictable and safe, who wouldn’t want to reside there? What I have learnt is that, despite the pros listed above, it can also get boring, monotonous and a place where growth does not occur. The only way we can continue to grow and develop into better versions of ourselves, is outside that comfort zone, despite how unbearable and awkward it can feel.

It can be hard to take those first few steps outside the comfort zone; leaving behind a job, relationship, place that isn’t good for you or that you’ve outgrown. Delta Goodrem sings about this in ‘Keep Climbing’:

Packed my bags and I walk on foot This was the time that I knew I should There’s a fear in every step And I still love where I just left

Two mountains, I’m caught in the middle Can’t see the forest before the trees This climb it breaks me a little But the hope inside of me That this lonely valley leads To a bridge over troubled dreams

So much resonates with me in this song; that it’s ok to still love the place you are leaving, whether it’s a job, a person, a place, even when the need to depart is not on your own terms, what you wanted, or when things end badly. What I identify most with is the line about hope. Optimism is one of my core values, so during challenging and uncertain times, I am easily able to alleviate any fear by thinking that whatever the outcome, it’s going to be for the best. Heidi Priebe writes in one of her poignant lessons in her book ‘This Is Me Letting Go,’ “You have to have faith in the future, in the unknown, in the tomorrows and some days that will line up in ways you can’t possibly imagine from where you’re standing now.”

Sometimes it isn’t always possible to have the confidence to step forward and leave our comfort zone; and that is ok. As Morgan Harper Nichols says, “You do not have to be fearless. Doing it afraid is just as brave.” She continues, “The challenge of starting over is that we are not always ready to; we can only grow courage if we are willing to do it a little afraid.” Sometimes the bravest things I’ve done is taking those small steps forward, even when it terrified me. As Brene Brown says, you need to “lean into discomfort.” Her work on vulnerability often identifies the need to go beyond what’s comfortable. She says, “we need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach the people around us how to accept discomfort as a part of growth.” There is so much I love about her work, but one of the best pieces of advice I’ve taken on board is that “you can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.” Sometimes the right thing is hard to do, be it speaking up when you hear someone say something offensive, standing up to someone’s poor behaviour, having to deliver bad news or having a difficult conversation with someone; but the choice is either to do nothing (and stay in comfort) or be courageous and do something.

@taylorswift sings about this in ‘it’s time to go’:

That old familiar body ache The snaps from the same little breaks in my soul I know when it’s time to go

Sometimes giving up is the strong thing Sometimes to run is the brave thing Sometimes walking out is the one thing That will find you the right thing

So in those moments, where I’ve felt lost and uncertain, I’ve drawn strength from my optimism and the knowledge that growth is the reward of being courageous enough to step outside of the comfort zone. My default attitude is now hope + courage. A song that captures this sentiment is Lee Ann Womack’s ‘I Hope You Dance’:

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance… I hope you dance…

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, Never settle for the path of least resistance, Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’,

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 20

I learnt that in those times we feel lost, we are actually discovering a new version of ourselves. There’s been many moments in my life, where I’ve felt lost, after the end of a relationship, end of a job, especially in times when I’d seen the road ahead so clearly in my mind only for it to end abruptly. It’s hard not to feel like you’ve suddenly been left out in the wilderness, lost and alone. A quote that resonated with my completely, from the first time I saw it, was ‘just because you’re alone, doesn’t mean you’re lonely.’

It was when I moved to Melbourne that I TRULY felt comfortable being on my own. I’d always done everything with my twin brother and this was the first time I was stepping outside my comfort zone and moving away to a big new city, knowing only a few people. After the breakdown of a relationship, I remember discovering the city on my own, with my headphones in playing a soundtrack to get over a heartbreak, which then become a soundtrack to re-discovering myself.

It’s strange to look back on things now, that whenever things have fallen apart for me, it’s always been travel and music that has helped me re-find myself. There’s comfort in the words of poet and author, Nayyirah Waheed, “You will be lost and unlost, over and over again, relax love. You were meant to be this glorious. Epic. Story.” And it’s true. I’ve been lost and unlost many times since that move to a new city and first real heartbreak. Falling apart is a necessary part of life, it’s the only way we are made stronger; when we rebuild ourselves after being torn apart.

A song for me that epitomises the notion of being comfortable in that limbo state between the end of something and a new beginning is Kylie Minogue’s ‘Lost Without You;’ someone who definitely knows a thing or two about endings. She starts the song with a sense of peaceful calm:

I never did mind the storm Even when my heart was torn Thunder in the night sky Running from a town like this Crashing with a stolen kiss We’re all glitter and tears in the moonlight

I remember first hearing this, on a trip to the US, after another heartbreak, by now, not my first rodeo. I took myself on a trip that had no plans, that was made up as I went. It started in LA and took me to Palm Springs and San Diego. As a teacher, I am usually very organised and trips are planned quite methodically. The feeling of the unknown, didn’t scare me and was quite euphoric. The plans I had made with my previous partner now out the window, not knowing what I would do for the next ten days on my own, made me feel alive. I was ready to be with myself in the hurt and find new reasons to smile. And my heart was beating so alive Wanna find myself out in the wild

Ain’t gonna be afraid of fun Gonna let my makeup run Oh see every sunrise Facing up to all my fears Gonna find a way outta here We’re all glitter and tears in the moonlight

Like everyone, there’s been stumbles and falls, roadblocks, and closed doors in my life and I’m sure there’s going to be more to come. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to take some time away before the comeback. In the times that bring the loss of something, the story that’s most important is what happens AFTER. How you look after yourself and heal after the fall. And what you do to put the pieces back together in order to get back up and rise above it all. Finnick Odair gives Katniss Everdeen some valuable advice in ‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay,’ “It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.” So I’ve learnt never to force myself to heal, or be quick to find myself when I’ve felt lost, rather have faith, that the lessons I need to find, the growth that needs to occur, will happen in its own time.

Matthew McConaughey puts it perfectly in his memoir, ‘Greenlights,’ when he says:

“The problems we face today eventually turn into blessings in the rearview mirror of life. In time, yesterday’s red light leads us to a greenlight. All destruction eventually leads to construction, all death eventually leads to birth, all pain eventually leads to pleasure. In this life or the next, what goes down will come up.”

I’ve found it easier to cope, in those moments where I’ve found myself lost in the wilderness of life. J.R.R. Tolkien said it best in the second line of the poem ‘The Riddle of Strider’ from ‘The Fellowship of the Ring,’ when he wrote, “Not all who wander are lost.” I’ve learnt that finding wonder in all the beautiful things the world has to offer, (be it newly discovered destinations, music or books), is so much better than wondering about the past. With patience, curiosity and bravery, being lost leads to the discovery of a stronger, more attuned and determined ME!

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 19

I have learnt that it’s important to continually dream, have aspirations and that they will constantly change. I’ve always been a dreamer, ever since I can remember. As a kid, watching the Wonderful World of Disney and the Wizard of Oz at my grandparents, I remember being transported to these fantasy worlds, and being in awe of where a wish upon a shooting star could take me. When you’re young there’s a real innocence in dreaming, that I think we lose as we become older. To share your dreams takes real vulnerability, because how do we cope when we voice these dreams and they don’t come true? Or worse, after they do come to fruition, they shatter, fall apart or are ripped away from us?

It’s for these reasons, that for some people, dreaming is hard because the risk of getting your hopes dashed is too painful a thought. There is always the risk that a dream won’t become a reality, so it’s better to not have them, because you can’t get hurt by something that doesn’t exist.

But what is a life without having something to look forward to and to work towards? Something that keeps the fire burning in our dark times. Delta Goodrem’s song ‘Keep Climbing’ is about how our dreams are what keeps us from being trapped between where we have been and where we should be going. She explains that “no dreams, however big or small, come without challenges. We all have to keep moving forward and embrace changes as they come because life is constantly shifting — and that’s not a bad thing.”

As life twists and turns us in different directions, our dreams change also, taking us on new journeys that we often didn’t expect or envision. My optimism goes hand in hand with my dreams, because I firmly believe, that even when it feels like things aren’t working out how I hoped for, they are working out how they should be. I can find the joy in the simplest of things, and that in itself is a dream; to be happy in and with the day to day flow of life. The Cranberries song Dreams, reminds me to find that dreamlike content in the ever changing aspects of life:

Oh, my life is changing everyday In every possible way And oh, my dreams It’s never quite as it seems ’Cause you’re a dream to me

It’s important for me to continuously feel challenged. Life gets pretty boring for me when I’m stuck doing the same thing day in day out, living in the safe confines of my comfort zone. It’s nice to feel protected in there from time to time, but as I’ve gotten older, the more I’ve seen of the world and realised what is possible, the hungrier I get for more. Dua Lipa puts it perfectly when she said in an interview for V Magazine, “I don’t ever want to feel accomplished, because there should always be something else to look forward to. I always want to be nervous and scared of my dreams, but at the same time I want to be confident enough to go and get them.”

I’ve always lived by the notion, you only get out of something, what you put in. That we aren’t just going to be handed things, that we have to work for the things we want. And I believe it has to start with a dream, or a hope for something. Sometimes, the things we dream for ourselves, may seem ridiculous to others, but it’s important to not let them ruin that for us. I love the how the film ‘The Greatest Showman’ epitomised this idea and it’s no doubt that one of my favourite songs from the soundtrack is ‘A Million Dreams.’

I close my eyes and I can see The world that’s waiting up for me That I call my own Through the dark, through the door Through where no one’s been before But it feels like home

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy They can say, they can say I’ve lost my mind I don’t care, I don’t care, so call me crazy We can live in a world that we design

It’s often the people who don’t have the capacity to dream themselves, or are held back by fear of chasing their dreams, that are the first to say your dreams are outlandish. I love the quote that, ‘if your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.’

Dreams are also a way of capturing a moment in time that you want to remember forever, reliving special moments that may not have lasted long. They can help us remember the things that are dear to us. I’ve learnt there is power in daydreaming, recreating past moments of happiness, in order to put me in a better mood. Sometimes, extrapolating on the story, in the hope that one day it too will come true and other times, knowing that despite the end of something, there was and always will be beauty in the memory of a moment. @taylorswift sings to this idea:

Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress Staring at the sunset, babe Red lips and rosy cheeks Say you’ll see me again Even if it’s just in your wildest dreams

You’re never too old to dream; if you commit to them, dreams give us the hope, strength and courage to face each new day. I know it’s just a movie, but I always have and always will believe Dorothy, when she sings:

And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 18

I learnt to ignore the noise (both internal and external) and step into the arena anyway. For the last 6–7 years, I have become a massive fan of Brene Brown’s work. Her TedX talk on the ‘Power of Vulnerability’ was my first entry point to her work and it really transformed the way I think about the way I live, personally and professionally. It was through her books that I was introduced to Theodore Roosevelt’s inspiring ‘The Man in the Arena’ speech.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

It is hard not to feel empowered by his words. In times when I doubt myself and my abilities, or get caught up worrying about what other people will say about me and how they will perceive my efforts and actions, I only have to remind myself that at least I’m stepping into the arena. At least I am giving it a shot. That it’s so easy to sit on the sideline and criticise when you’re not doing the work yourself. And finally, why would I take any notice of those who aren’t willing to put themselves out there and do what I’m doing.

When I discovered this speech, it was so liberating and allowed me the freedom to be ME! I began to make the decisions I wanted to and not be deterred by the voices of others, or the fear of getting things wrong and how people would judge me. And most importantly, I created a new inner dialogue, talking myself INTO things, rather than OUT of things. At the end of the day, I’d rather end up at a destination I chose for myself, rather than get somewhere and realise it was a journey other had influenced me to take, ending up in a place that wasn’t necessarily my decision or intention.

James Smith describes in his book, ‘Not A Life Coach’ how “everyone is climbing the ladder of life to see who can get to the highest rung. However, I don’t see too many people taking a moment to really think whether they’re climbing the right ladder. It doesn’t matter how high you climb it if, when you get to the top, you realize you’ve climbed the wrong one. It doesn’t matter how fast you’re going, if you’re not going in the right direction.”

That’s not to say I don’t go to people for advice or seek feedback. What it means, is that I’m mindful of WHO I listen to. In this day and age of social media, everyone has a thought and opinion on everything, whether it’s right or wrong, ill-informed or educated. What is important to remember, is you don’t have to listen to them all or take on board what they think or say. One thing I learnt from Michelle Obama, is how to react in those times when the voices you are facing are fuelled by negativity and judgement.

I love her quote, “When they go low, we go high,” and use it often, particularly in my head, to remind myself of the best course of action or how to respond to others. Michelle explains that “Going low is easy, which is why people go to it. It’s easy to go low. It’s easy to lead by fear.” She also explains that “going high” isn’t about overlooking the negativity however. “[It] does not mean putting on a smile and saying nice things when confronted by viciousness and cruelty,” it means “taking the harder path, standing fierce against hatred.”

I’m in a point of my life now where I’m so happy that I’ve come to a place where I am comfortable and confident in my own skin, that I can put myself into the arena, back myself, know who to turn to for support and how to shake off the haters.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 17

I learnt that it’s not my responsibility to rebuild a bond I didn’t break. It’s always been in my nature to be kind, going out of my way to ensure people feel good. After any sort of conflict I’d go above and beyond to repair that relationship, often at the detriment to myself. I saw a quote years ago that made me think about the energy and effort I put into my relationships, “Why cross oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.” Until then, I’d always thrown myself whole heartedly into maintaining relationships, despite the distance and time that often separates people as you grow older and are taken down different paths, facing the inevitable bumps along the road that shake and fracture your connections. This quote made me really think about how sometimes there was an imbalance in the energy I was putting into relationships that wasn’t reciprocated, particularly to ensure they were repaired, even when I didn’t think I was in the wrong. I am the kind of person who can admit when I’m wrong and acknowledge my part in any conflict, however I begun to find people would take advantage of this trait and I’d constantly be left to do all the ‘heavy lifting’ to undo any damage done in relationships.

This inevitably leads to some frustration after realising the other party doesn’t put that same effort or energy into acknowledging the part they played and then trying to fix it. The worst is the realisation that, despite giving someone a second (and sometimes third and fourth chances) that they aren’t capable of changing, regardless of all that you do and the only thing to do is cut ties. @taylorswift explores this perfectly in her song, ‘This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things’:

It was so nice being friends again There I was giving you a second chance But you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand This is why we can’t have nice things, darling Because you break them, I had to take them away

So I learnt the power of letting go, letting sleeping dogs lie, to not waste time or energy on people who didn’t have the same value in relationships as me. And this was a hard thing to do, after so long being the person that couldn’t stand the thought of people not liking me and doing all that I could to make things right after a disagreement. But I learnt that you don’t always have to make amends with the people that hurt you. What it boils down to is a problem with them, not you. Dua Lipa sings this with such sass in her song ‘Not My Problem’:

Not my problem, not my problem Call it what you want, but you’re not my problem Crying all the time, but you’re not my problem If you got issues (that’s your problem)

I found that through all the bending I would do after any sort of breakdown in a relationship, I would become a different person to who I wanted to be, for the benefit of the other party, not for me. I realised that this wasn’t fair. Why should I have to always be the one to change, when the other person never appeared to make any effort. This is the exact sentiment in James Bay’s song, ‘Let It Go’:

I used to recognize myself It’s funny how reflections change When we’re becoming something else I think it’s time to walk away

Everything that’s broke Leave it to the breeze Why don’t you be you And I’ll be me

I learnt that it’s ok to ‘give up’ on a person that you’re waiting for an apology or some sort of acknowledgement of how they hurt you, because sometimes that just never happens. As Heidi Priebe says about forgiveness and letting go, it “doesn’t mean you have to make amends with who hurt you. It just means accepting that they’ve left a mark on you. And that for better or for worse that mark is now your burden to bear. It means you’re done waiting for the person who broke you to come put you back together. It’s the decision to heal you own wounds. It’s the decision to move forward with scars.”

A song that when I heard it, immediately gave me a sense of power, of not being the person that allows people who constantly mistreat me, without any remorse, access back to my life is Delta Goodrem’s ‘Encore’:

And don’t come back for the encore, the encore Don’t come back like you want more, you want more Can’t you see that the curtain is closing You can’t cut me open no more (no more) Can’t you see that the show’s all over Confetti all over the floor (the floor)

As @taylornation said, in a self-penned article for Elle magazine, she learnt to “Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake — only bite if someone steps on you.” I learnt to stand up for myself, listen to my intuition and trust it in deciding when to fight and when to let go…for ME!

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 16

I learnt that forgiveness should be for ME! first and foremost. A sad reality of life is that sometimes people will do wrong by you, they will hurt you, they’ll mistreat you, underestimate your power and cause you pain. There can be a perception that forgiving someone can be a sign of weakness, especially if they have dishonoured your trust and you let them stay or back into your life. Heidi Priebe says in her collection of mini essays, ‘This Is Me Letting You Go’, that “forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are giving up all of your power. Forgiveness means you’re finally ready to take it back.”

A quote that I saw years ago, that stopped me in my tracks and really made me think was from Buddha, who said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” I think we’ve all had those times, where the hurt someone has caused us, has cut us so deep, that we’ve held onto the pain and anger unnecessarily long. Where seeing their face or name, hearing their voice just brings up numerous images or thoughts of the ways you’d like to see them suffer in return for what they’ve done to you. Heidi Priebe also says forgiveness is a “decision that restoring your own peace is finally a bigger priority than disrupting someone else’s.”

In some instances, the person we need to forgive may no longer be in our lives, but they still manage to influence our feelings and emotions. Another quote that really struck a chord with me is from Ann Landers, who said, “Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean having to verbalise that to another. It could be something you do for yourself, by writing down the things you would say to that person, as a way of letting things go and moving forward. The act of forgiveness should always start from within and have a purpose for yourself, starting with an acceptance of what has been and allowing for growth to move forward into a better place. This sentiment is echoed in Mandy Moore’s song ‘Forgiveness’:

Forgiveness is not a favor And sorry’s just a word We won’t be friendly later In spite of what you’ve heard

Forgiveness, it isn’t for you The forgiveness is for me It’s in the mountains I’ve been climbing And the mark I’m gonna leave

Sometimes it’s hard to forgive and forget, as we think that in doing so, it means giving up on a previous situation or relationship and the hope that things could have turned out differently; better. Heidi Priebe describes it so beautifully:

“Forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. It means knowing that the past is over, the dust has settled and the destruction left in its wake can never be reconstructed to resemble what it was. It’s accepting that there’s no magic solution to the damage that’s been caused. It’s the realization that as unfair as the hurricane was, you still have to live in its city of ruins. And no amount of anger is going to reconstruct that city. You have to do it yourself.”

A lot of the time, we need to forgive someone without having first received an apology. And that’s why forgiveness should always start from within. It has to be done by ourselves, for ourselves. It’s about making the choice to let go, move forward positively and productively; accepting responsibility for cleaning up the destruction, despite not having caused it.

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 15

I learned that I want to be defined by the things I love. In life, there can be a lot of focus on the negative, things people dislike, hate even, that they are fearful of. It’s easy to get swept up in catastrophising even the smallest problem. There also appears to be a trend or habit people have, where they feed off of one another’s negativity; you see it with online trolling, where people rally together, grabbing their pitchforks, going on a witch hunt to bring someone down. It can also be seen in day-to-day conversation, where one person explains their bad day and the other feels the need to go one better and say how their day was even worse.

Growing up is tough, the desire to fit in, whether that’s at school, at a new job, within your family, we have a tendency to often act like chameleons, blending ourselves into particular groups in order to feel like we belong. One thing I’ve learnt over time is it’s better to just be me, unapologetically ME! People are going to either like or dislike you, no matter what ‘face’ you put on, or ‘persona’ you present. So it’s better to just be yourself and have them like you as you are, rather than putting on a ‘show’ as the person you think they want you to be and feeling exhausted trying to keep up the act. There’s definitely been times in the past, where I’ve had my secret indulgences or guilty pleasures, things I’ve loved, but never been too open about for fear of being criticised, thought of as lame. Busy Phillips says she doesn’t believe in guilty pleasures, “if you enjoy something, there’s nothing guilty about it.” So now I celebrate those things, especially my love for @taylorswift. And as she so brilliantly said, during her 1989 tour, before singing her song ‘Clean,’ “You know what I think is better than being cool, is being happy.”

As New York Times best-selling author, Steve Bartlett says, “Honestly, “Fitting in” will make you miserable. Caring too much about “being one of the guys” or “one of the girls”, kills happiness & potential. Be your own uncool, weird ass self and whoever still wants to hang around with you then…keep them close and be weirdos together.” What I’ve come to realise however is, “If it makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to others.”

Which is why it’s really important to be true to ourselves and write our own story, that isn’t dictated by anyone else. And if you find your story has been influenced or shaped by others, you need to change it, tell your own truth. Brene Brown describes the importance of this perfectly when she says:  “When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness — the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness — that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging — lives inside of our story.”

Telling your story takes vulnerability, but brings about strength — individually and collectively; you never know how you are likely to inspire others by just being yourself. This is one thing that I have discovered as a teacher, and I am so honoured to be in a position that I can have such a positive influence on young people. By being ME, honest and truthful to who I am and my story, it allows others to feel the same confidence and comfortability to be them and own their unique story. As a Phys Ed teacher, I always felt like I had to hide my passion for the arts. I had the best time directing a musical and starting a Glee club at a previous school and I know that, as a Phys Ed teacher, taking a lead and nurturing role of the arts, that I had a positive impact on my students, showing them that you didn’t have to stick into the stereotypical boxes society often creates for us.

At the end of the day, I love how @taylorswift finishes her song ‘Daylight,’ which closes her ‘Lover’ album, when she says:

I wanna be defined by the things that I love  Not the things I hate  Not the things that I’m afraid of, I’m afraid of  Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night  I, I just think that  You are what you love