Welcome back to Tumblr's Poorest Wettest Saddest Littlest Meow Meow Competition! Before we announce the final verdict, let's see how our "lovely" contestants are doing backstage!
VRISKA SERKET, hailing from welcoming Homestuck, is in the blue corner! She's a TROLL, a TELEPATH, and a THIEF. She has also attained GODHOOD, and I'm informed she did nothing wrong! Just off the heels of a dramatic loss in the recent Tumblrwoman Election, she deeply resents being trapped in this narrative device!
Her attire today is plain by Earth standards, but well put-together by ALTERNIAN ones. Nevertheless, she has been known to dress up on occasion, particularly in the colors of her ANCESTOR, the Marquise Spinneret Mindfang!
She is extraordinarily determined, and extremely manipulative. She will do anything she can to make herself into the hero her story needs, consequences be damned. Her actions have made her the source of eternal, vitriolic discourse. Some believe her entirely justified, some believe her a heartless villain, and others believe everything in between; every one steadfast and passionate about their specific stance! Love her or hate her: VRISKA!!!!!!!!
HARRIER DU BOIS, also known as HARRY, sometimes referring to himself as RAPHAEL AMBROSIUS COSTEAU or THE REINCARNATION OF KRAS MAZOV, is here representing scenic Disco Elysium! He is a DETECTIVE, an ALCOHOLIC, a recent AMNESIAC, and a WASTE of ENERGY. Having just recently recovered from an attempt at drinking himself to death, we thought inviting him to compete might raise his spirits some! Unfortunately he does not seem to be totally aware of his surroundings, as he has already tried to touch himself twice on air!
His garish and mismatched clothes are STAINED with seemingly every substance a human body can produce. His face is locked in an EXPRESSION that can only induce disgust and discomfort in those who view it.
The few memories he can draw from his fractured mind paint him as violent, selfish, cruel, and pitiful. He has been trying to get over a breakup for six years, and has only partially succeeded through near-total retrograde amnesia. Worst of all, he's still somehow a decently successful cop. He has no friends and few allies on Revachol, with perhaps the sole exception of the impossibly patient and composed Lt. Kim Katsuragi. Even among his fans, you'd be hard pressed to find one who'd defend him, and ever harder pressed to find one willing to stand in the same room as him. Nevertheless, from the safe distance of fiction, let's hear it for HARRY!
In but a few moments, the doors in front of them will open, and they will be able to approach the trophy onto which we have engraved the name of the winner. 5… 4… 3… 2…
AND THE WINNER IS: VRISKAAAAAAAA SERKET!
Vriska: WHAT THE F8CK!!!!!!!!
Vriska: I WON THIS????????
Vriska: You pieces of shit can't supp8rt me to win ag8inst some lanky rain8bow-drinking 8itch, 8ut 8eat one-in-fuck8ng 16777216 odds to win poorest, wettest, saddest, littlest g8ddamn meow8east?
Logic [Easy:Success]: She won. That means we lost.
Conceptualization [Challenging:Failure]: Another loss in a long, long line of losses.
Pain Threshold: You've gotten used to the feeling by now. Losing something barely even hurts anymore.
Endurance: You still carry each one with you. Well, except…
Volition: Not now. Not yet.
Authority [Medium:Success]: This doesn't have to stay a loss. Stare the girl down. Challenge her. Don't let this be taken from you.
Wait, what *is* she doing, anyway?
Perception: The grey girl seems to be shouting at someone, but there's no one else here.
Vriska: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Inland Empire [Godly:Success]: The unseen audience, the string-pullers of fate. The sadistic writer terrorizing their creation. The storybook itself, the confines it sets. She has seen the death of the author, and needs more.
Empathy [Medium:Failure]: What's got her so upset?
Harry: Is there something wrong with you?
Vriska: I'm not taking that from a walking dumpster, asshole!
Suggestion: There's still time to fix this. Say something nice, quickly.
Harry: I just mean, you seem upset. I thought you'd be celebrating your win. It’s a big accomplishment, right?
Drama: Are we, sire? Should we be, perhaps?
Vriska: You thought I’d be cele8r8ing this? A vote for the most pitia8le, pathetic person in paradox space? I’m not so desper8 to fill my pity quadrant that I need to resort to CROWDFUNDING! That’s like the lowest form of 8egging!
Electrochemistry: You are that desperate. Don’t think we're above begging for it, piggy.
Conceptualization [Easy:Success]: Oh. This was not a contest one wants to win. Maybe our loss was for the best.
Vriska: And I WON!!!!!!!! With this kind of competition, HOW did I get all the votes? All of them!
Reaction Speed [Trivial:Success]: "This kind of competition?" She’s talking about you! Say something!
Harry: It was a tight race. You fought with honor.
Vriska: IT SH8ULDN’T HAVE FUCKIN8 8EEN!
Vriska: Look at you! What the fuck kind of su8juggl8or suit are you wearing? Did someone 8leed on it?
Savoir Faire: No, no, this outfit is *cool*. You just have to give it a little *disco*, man.
Vriska: You can’t seriously think any of that is appealing.
Vriska: Your clothes look like they were dragged out of 8 different gar8age 8ins.
Vriska: You couldn’t 8e more greasy and stained if you drowned in a pail of 8rooding slurry. From the st8 of your body, you actually might have!
Physical Instrument: I told you. You need to cultivate more mass.
Composure [Challenging:Failure]: Please, don’t start crying in front of a teenager.
You realize that you already have.
Vriska: Are you seriously crying right now? I might not be an expert on the human metamorphological process 8ut you definitely aren’t a pupa anymore. Shit, you look like you’re halfway dead already. Grow up, Pupa Pan!
Endurance: You need to stop this, now, before you break down further.
Harry: Fuck off, fucking spidery bitch! Leave me alone!
Vriska: Wow. I don’t think I’ve seen a grown man act this pathetic 8efore. How the hell did you not win this!?!?!?!? Do you even have a single thing going for you?
Esprit De Corps: You have a badge and a gun. You are a Detective Lieutenant-Yefreitor of the RCM. At least for now, you have that.
Harry: I’m a pretty good fucking cop.
Vriska: There are no good cops you dum8 8itch!
Authority: Make her stop.
Vriska: I’ve known you less than a minute and you already disgust me. I feel 8ad for the people that actually have to 8e near you.
Half Light: Do what you have to do and do it now.
Vriska: You deserved to win this. I don’t know how you can live like that. 8ack home you would have 8een culled sweeps ago.
Hand Eye Coordination [Legendary:Success]: You have never fired a shot so quickly or instinctually. You didn’t even know your gun was loaded. You pulled it out the way a cat scratches a hand, or a drunk pisses himself. You don’t remember when violence became second nature to you, but you didn’t forget how to do it either.
Perception (Sight): Is that blood… blue?
Visual Calculus [Legendary:Success]: Light swirls and shimmers around the girl’s body, flashing a technicolor code you cannot decipher. Her body floats into the air, and her eyes flash open. All eight of them.
Inland Empire: No justice. No heroism. Just mindless violence.
Vriska: Oh no you fucking don’t!!!!!!!!
(♏) Volition [Impossible:Failure]: You try to run, but your will is seemingly powerless to drive your body. I’m sorry.
Physical Instrument: Don’t look at me. I’m in great shape.
Interfacing: Connections seem fine. Don’t tell me we have to unplug him again…
Harry: Wh-wh-what are you doing to me?
Vriska: Shut up I’m trying to f8cus!
Inland Empire: Welcome, Thief of Light.
♏Vriska♏: What the hell is wrong with you?
Encyclopedia: Severe alcoholism. Retrograde amnesia. Partial facial paralysis. Dehydration. Heart palpi- (♏)
♏Vriska♏: 8e quiet, 8ook8rain! I’m trying to rifle through memories here and it’s a MESS!
Interfacing: We haven’t quite organized since our recent… restructuring. Try the thought cabinet.
Rhetoric: Don’t tell her that!
♏Vriska♏: Too late, sucker! Found it!
♏Vriska♏: In pu8lic? Why would you—
♏Vriska♏: There was a8solutely no reason to do ANY of that, what the hell!
♏Vriska♏: You should honestly just kill yourself if you’re going to keep 8eing such a fuckup!
Logic: Sound. You should kill yourself.
Empathy: It would make everyone feel better.
Endurance: Hasn’t this all gone on long enough?
Savoir Faire: It’s a hell of a statement.
Drama: The noble sacrifice, like Romeo, like Juliet!
Rhetoric: You should kill yourself NOW!
Authority: She has bested you. Listen to your better.
Half Light: Anything to get away from her.
♏Vriska♏: Can you creeps 8e normal for two damn seconds?
The light fades from your eyes, and you fall to the floor.
Kim: Yes, Lieutenant. A fascinating dream. I’m sorry you did not win the competition.
Harry: What do you think it means, Kim? Do you think it could be some kind of message? Should I try to find that girl?
Kim: No, Lieutenant. I do not think you should go looking for Vriska Serket from Homestuck. Perhaps try looking for the killer in our murder case?
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