most times, caleb’s sorry for the things he’s done in the past—as he should be. but other times, he just wants to take people by the shoulders and shake them, shout in their faces about how he had NO CHOICE, about how easily manipulated he was, scream and cry until he’s blue in the face, she was his sister, he knew her his entire life and they all knew her for months, she was the only FAMILY he had left and he LOVED HER, couldn’t they see that? in the most raw, unforgiving, animalistic parts of himself, he wants to claw the judging eyes out of four’s head and tell him that he’ll never know his sister the way caleb did.
and there are no excuses to make for himself, or reasons to berate people for grieving her. if she were alive, she’d still HATE HIM. if she were alive, he wouldn’t be.
❛ i just wanted to say that i… ❜
an i’m sorry dances on the tip of his tongue and falls off straight after. four doesn’t want his apologies, and he won’t accept them. apologies won’t bring her back.
❛ beatrice didn’t want to die for me. i mean—she was ready to, but…you were the first person she thought of. and she would have wanted you to know that—that, um…that putting you through this was the last thing she would have ever wanted. is all. ❜ if i knew her the way i thought i did.
it’s hard to remember that caleb lost someone too, especially with the way he had treated his sister before she was gone. if he was here to beg for forgiveness, four wasn’t sure he’d be selfless enough to give it to him. in a way, he blames him for this. for all the hurt four has to process as he goes to sleep at night, reaching out beside him expecting to feel something warm but only feels the coldness of the sheets. blames him for every morning four has to wake up from a dream about tris, only to realize in reality that she isn’t there. he wants to scream at him, words he wanted to say for months, but the scream dies in the middle of his throat as the other continues to speak.
did he honestly think four wanted to hear this?
it didn’t change anything, didn’t make anything hurt less. so what was the point?
❛ great... if this was the last thing she wanted, then why did she do it? why, huh? if you know her so well, tell me what was the point of sacrificing herself for someone who could’ve cared less? she may not have wanted to leave me, but she did it anyway. ❜ he wasn’t sure where this was coming from, the display of anger. before caleb had arrived, four had told himself that he’d made peace with himself and with tris. though now, as they spoke about it, it was hard to make believe that was true.
