God, no. I don't wanna feel better.

DNI: anyone// UGW: Corpse// "Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red." -Kait Rokowski

[fracturedrapture]

My personal tags are "This is not for you" and "I did not make this post for you" for a reason.

My bio says "Do Not Interact: Anyone" for a reason.

I don't want your help. I don't want your pity. I don't want your notes or encouragement or your insights. I don't want small talk or tips or suggestions.

None of this is for you.

I am not for you.

[fracturedrapture]

you've got your tower

but you're still

the same

sad

lonely little girl

[fracturedrapture]

can men please stop genuinely believing that their mere presence will cure all of my depression and it's associated symptoms thanks

[the-ankush-says-deactivated2023]

E. E SCOTT

[fracturedrapture]

I should honestly just delete but I'd rather roll around in my misery and punish myself

[fracturedrapture]

here I am starving again because even I won't love myself unless I do

[fracturedrapture]

love that anyone can flake but me.

[fracturedrapture]

guess who relapsed and is currently spiraling 👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻

[fracturedrapture]

me and my big mouth.

[fracturedrapture]

I am sick to death of being responsible because no one else will

[fracturedrapture]

this bullshit blog is like an archeological dig of my worst moments and on one hand, it keeps me motivated because I will. be better than Past Me in every way I can, but at the same time, scrolling through gives me flashbacks of the worst days I've had in the past few years and it just piles onto the misery

[disgustinggf]

getting better but also becoming worse. u wouldn't get it

[fracturedrapture]

I want to tell you so badly that it's getting bad again.

I want to tell you every thought that flies through my mind so quick I can only graze it with my fingertips before it's gone.

I want to tell you how badly I want to tear off my skin and meat until I'm nothing but organs and bones.

That the only reason I haven't ended my suffering is because it would add to yours, and that guilt keeps me awake at night for even considering it.

I want to tell you how much I hate myself, how I hurt myself when you aren't looking. And how I think of the next method of hurting myself every chance I get.

i want to give myself more scars. To cover myself neck to ankles in loose fabricso you can't see them. So you have no chance to pity me.

I want to tell you why I'm like this, why I get this way so quickly without warning but I don't have the words. I don't know why.

sometimes I wish I could just connect my nerves to yours. To open my ribcage and let you walk around, to make you understand me because I don't know how to let down my walls. I see how it hurts you when I can't tell you what's wrong. I see how you look at me when I tell you I'm fine even though I'm nowhere close, and I don't know how to stop myself. I can't seem to drop the illusion that everything is okay, that I'm rolling eight he punches.

I can't risk letting the mask drop because then it would shatter and you'd see me as I am. I would never be able to out the pieces back together, and vulnerability is not an option.

[fracturedrapture]

I think part of the reason I still fight in comment sections, knowing it's useless, in because I know someone will make fun of my weight. And I want that, I need the fuel. I require misery to keep myself on track.

I think that this has also made me realize I will never really recover. I will never stop seeking the abuse I feel I require to keep myself in check. I make other people unwitting accomplices in my disorder. They wouldn't care if they did know, but for some reason that level of manipulation also scratches an itch. "I'm going down, and somehow, in some way I'm taking you with me".

I think will never be healthy again. I don't remember who I was when I wasn't unwell. It's been so long that I feel at this point, I deserve it, andI fear if I take off the hair shirt now, I'll crumble to dust because it was the only thing holding me together.

[fracturedrapture]

Reminder to self: If you don't spend money on food, you can save it for a Walking Pad

[vexheart]

[sapphicaltgirls]