Being abused by someone older than you, someone who is constatly enshrined as someone you should look up to, someone with actual power over you. The confused look on people's faces as you, just a child, react with genuine fear when he rounds the corner. The most common mistake they make is that the stomach turning fear you feel is actually respect.
It becomes a common threat, a common tactic "don't make me tell him" "I'll call him right now he won't be happy" they don't realise why you suddenly become so obedient. They don't understand that now you're willing to do anything they ask, because the alternative is worse. It gives everybody around you a small role, a little personal part in the abuse you experience.
You know it'll happen, you know it'll hurt eventually. You'll see things thrown at you, you'll feel fists against your body and you'll be thrown against the wall and the door. But there won't be anyone else home when it happens. There won't be anybody there to hear you cry, to hear him yell, to understand why it is just the mention of his name will make you dizzy from panic, sweating and shaking. But they know it makes you quiet, and that's enough.
Even if they don't know it's a loaded gun they are holding to your head, it gets the response they want, and little by little they get to take part in the abuse they can't be bothered to see happening.
"why do you respect him more than me" she said
If I told you what he did to me, would you even believe me?
