As of recent I’ve been making myself wrong for a lot of things. I created a vision for my project that no where resembles what i had seen happening 4 months ago. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just life. However, it is occurring for me as failing or not living up to the par I set for myself. My experience of myself was very indecisive, doubtful and lacking leadership/communication. I’m not particularly sure why I chose to write today, but I’m going with it. I have a story around everything I’m doing isn't enough. And there is disconnect between my actions and what I say I want. In the mix, feelings of grief have come up. I have also made myself wrong for this because I feel as though how can i express happy grief if I'm not happy. But I’m beginning to get that the whole point of this isn't that you are happy all the time. In a way i may have naively convinced myself that it would be that way because I needed to believe that. And its nowhere near that, but that doesn’t mean happy grief can’t exist. I discovered that I’m complete with the death of my mother last August but I’m not complete with our relationship before that. There are still judgements I hold onto that reflect in my everyday life when I want to start something new but am creating a story around people thinking about me in some way. And i am so focused on trying to show a polished exterior not getting that there is still shit to deal with, and that I can't do that by myself. So i created, along with my coleaders, The Warrior Project which was out to embrace and celebrate women where they are in their lives and through community and sharing amongst other women realize that they are warriors and triumphant over the past, regardless of what that is. Now the disaster struck when it came to planning what that looked like, an event? a brunch? a venue? admission? decorations? a backyard? someone’s house? in a park? Holy fuckery!! It became not fun anymore and that isn't what i was measuring my success by. When the possibility of this project popped into my head my plan was an interactive blog (this one) where people can communicate their stories and how they're dealing with it to help other women as well. It then turned into a self-expression photoshoot series that was posted up on our fb/instagram page along with our upcoming website that included each woman’s warrior story answering: what being a warrior means to them? what they had overcome or are dealing with that make them warriors? what advice they would give to someone else? and what possibility exists for them now, after dealing with all the bullshit of life, that didn't exist before? Part 2 of this project was an event with the intention of sharing stories, food, drinks, laughter, empowerment, and donations to a charity in need.
Somewhere in the details we lost the project and it became about when the next meeting was or budget amounts accompanied with stress and frustration. What I’m currently dealing with is realizing that the possibility of this project will always exist, but not reaching the initial goal occurred for me as failing. The entire point of this project was to embody the entire possibility of this project and have it give us as much as we intended for it to give others. And we realized that we don’t all have the same perspectives sometimes but one amazing thing that did arise from it is our ability to still keep pushing forward in whatever way that looked like and come back to the roots of the project. So it will be a massive girls night where we all put our cards on the table of what we’ve been dealing with, myself included and just create the possibility of women empowerment and support in whatever space we occupy with whoever comes. That is The Warrior Project. The events, the website, the fundraising, the everything else will come. My massive issue was accepting that it CAN happen, just not all at the same time. This project raised SO MUCH for me. My ability to communicate (or not) with people when i was dealing with something, being contributed to and most importantly being vulnerable. That was a big one. Also my ability to face and make decisions when something isn’t working or distinguishing where there is an inauthenticity in the way I’m acting. This part was easy, because for me the moment i start to get annoyed or frustrated with a person or situation....i realize “hey, this person never changed, the only thing that changed was my perspective of them” because of whatever I was emotionally hiding and not dealing with.
As expected, when one area of life isn't working none of them do (except my boyfriend, he’s fucking awesome)- so i will simply choose to deal with things one at a time. Not make myself wrong for not getting things done at the speed of light and have faith that it WILL fall into place- the second i stop trying to carry the weight of the world silently on my shoulders and pretend its all fine and dandy. IT’S NOT. I have problem stating when I’m not fine- it occurs as a burden for me. Or that I should be helping others who are dealing with worse. But i need to constantly refill my cup too. This weekend I am going to a family trip to the Poconos, which will be awesome. And in less than two weeks I will be on a beach in Florida for a week. I realize that i put way too much stress on myself to the point where I paralyze myself into inaction. This doesn’t work. I’m committed to taking steps each day to move forward and that’s what’s truly important. I need to slow the heck down and stop being so hard on myself. It will all be okay!
Welp. That was a lot. So I am creating the possibility of freedom and peace of mind!
