Not all who wander are lost

a few musings on life as a king and things i admire

[francieking]

Summer books 2021

Man, I love to read. I was a book nerd from the beginning, before I could actually piece the words together myself. I have had a little extra time on my hands lately (shockingly) and have been a reading machine again. It’s been a pleasure. Here are some summer reads I’ve recently finished and enjoyed. Anything missing from the list that I should add to my list?

Where the Grass is Green and the Girls are Pretty is the latest book by Lauren Weisberger of The Devil Wears Prada fame. This time she’s using real life headlines to define her narrative. It’s a story of sisters, daughters, lies and half truths. Peyton has her heart in the right place, but her decision to “help” her daughter into Princeton has unintended consequences for the entire family. Will her daughter forgive her? Will her husband take the fall? Is her career over? A story of the ties that bind, I enjoyed this easy yet thought provoking read. How far is too far as a parent?

The Hunting Wives starts with a young mother in a new city searching for friends. Then the guns come out, literally and figuratively in May Cobb’s novel. Hoping to slow down and spend more time with her son, Sophie and her husband move to small town Texas for a change of pace. What comes next are secrets, drinks, crushes and affairs. She gets more than she bargains for when she becomes the focus of a murder investigation and joins a secret circle that she isn’t sure she can keep up with. Worth a read if you’re into mysteries.

Jennifer Weiner has long been one of my favorite authors. I appreciate how she makes outsiders protagonists and how she can paints the complicated relationships of sisterhood. Big Summer starts as one thing, and then turns into a roller coaster. Are Daisy and Diana friends? Are either of them who they seem? Is their meet cute (they have a similar email) as innocuous as it seems? And how is the me too movement part of a growing female friendship? A sharp tale of redemption and healing.

Mary Alice Monroe’s The Summer of Lost of Found is a classic summer tale of beach life plus COVID-19. The characters from the Beach House series are back, and there is a lot going on. New relationships are formed, alliances strengthened and romances ends and blooms. Isle of Palms is full of history and dreams, and a pandemic can’t keep the family members of this special place apart. Times are tough and so are the members of this community where true love always prevails.

How Lucky is a mystery with a unique voice written by Will Leitch. I was not only engaged by the mystery the protagonist is trying to solve, but also I wanted to learn more about the disease that Daniel lives with. Wheelchair bound and mainly unable to communicate, his attitude is positive and resolute (also, charming). One day he is sitting on his porch, when he sees a woman get in a car. Doesn’t seem like a noteworthy event until she shows up missing. As quickly as he can, he bursts into action, and his once quiet life quickly becomes not so quiet. One of the best books I’ve read in awhile: I learned something, and appreciated Leitch’s prose.

Malibu Rising is a family tale. Four kids and two parents are intertwined by lust, love and the ocean. Death, abuse and healing are all parts of their story. Loyalties are tested, drinking is rampant and affairs come and go through this multi-generational tale. The story is told through the eyes of the both kids and adults, from first love to healing. As a member of a three person sibling team, I appreciated the bond the siblings shared. I also wanted to go to the party that is interspersed throughout the narrative by Taylor Jenkins Reid. 

[francieking]

I was born untamed, but sometimes it gets away from me

At first glance, I have nothing in common with Glennon Doyle. She is a mother of three who started her writing career with a popular blog dedicated to Christian mothers. I am perpetually single and write a personal journal to work out the kinks. Glennon has been married to both a man, and more recently, a woman. I am still looking for a true love with my prince charming. She has been sober for 18 years, after years of abuse to her body, and abuse of substances. I drink wine most nights, and practice intuitive eating in an effort for balance. She is now on her way to whole, but knows it’s a journey. My only goals right now are to be authentically me, and to stay well. This was already true before Covid-19, but now is even more of a discipline I must follow.

I have read all of her books, and feel like I have been alongside Glennon as she found her true love and became her true self. Her books are inspiring and her words ring true to me, and although we’ve never met, I feel like I have a kindred spirit on the page. Everyone is flawed, Glennon writes, but if you’re honest, trying to be you and lead with kindness, things will be fine. And even better, you’ll be fine. Not every day is going to be filled with flowers and laughter, but you can find joy and beauty each day. Strength comes from within, and must be a goal of your daily journey to self-acceptance. I admire her words, and her passion for authenticity. 

Glennon says often, “life is hard, but we can do hard things.” Some of her answers (paraphrased):  Humor helps. Connection saves. Forgiveness connects. Glennon’s latest work, Untamed, into these topics, and more. She had to forgive herself for leaving her husband. He was a good man, but the wrong partner. The bright side is that her children now have an extra parent in Abby, her spouse, who has brought her own gifts to this modern family. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it? Yes. What a lesson to us to all, to find the blessings in the hard things, and to create the life, and the world, that you want to be in. That’s the sweet spot, and the way to contentment. I have learned that happiness is silly - it’s a first world construct fleeting and comes with guilt and longing. But when you’re confident that you’re in the right spot, doing what you’re meant to do, with a community that supports you, that’s the way to live, and something to strive for daily.

During this time of reflection, I have realized that when I have failed, or been at my lowest, it’s because I haven’t led with my strengths, or let myself be seen. I have let others anxieties cloud my judgement. I have tried to be who I thought I should be, or done what I told me myself was expected, instead of being who I am meant to and frankly supposed to be. I feel deeply and take things seriously, and this can be a blessing and a curse. I need to remember to breathe, remember that I am supposed to be here, and that my talents are many. I don’t need to act quickly - I can slow down and think critically. Thank you Glennon for seeing me, although you don’t know me. I appreciate your words, and candor, and ability to put onto the paper, what’s been in my heart.

Thank you also for keeping it real. For your relentless commitment to improve yourself and your family. For your charity. For your kind words and support of people every day, but especially during this time. I am impressed with someone that has her own crosses to bear, and had recent career pivots out of her control, takes the time to raise money, support others in recovery and commit (as an introvert no less) to be a public beacon of light a dark, scary time. Thank you for giving us lessons and chapters that resonate and spread hope in the time of Rona. From you, I hear, a life where you can be true to yourself, so you can be true to others, is the sweet spot. From you I hear, we’re all in this together, we’re all growing, and we’re meant to be seen.

[francieking]

The time of Covid

When I was a teenager in the late 90′s, I distinctly remember my dad once saying, “You’ve got it so easy, kid. The economy is strong. There are no wars. You don’t know what it’s like for a generation to suffer.” I didn’t think much of it to be honest. But soon after our chat came the Columbine shooting. I was then scared to go to school. Then came 9/11. The world changed in a moment. In 2008, the economy crashed. They said it was once in a lifetime downturn. Then came Trump (the worst President) and, soon after, Covid-19 (a pandemic if you haven’t heard). Talk about trauma, drama and a country and world in upheaval. 

No one my age (or younger) expects jobs to last a lifetime, savings to cover life events or social security to be around much longer. We’re the first generation that will do worse socio-economically than our parents, and we keep living through historic events that no one else has ever experienced. 

I can’t say it’s been all bad. We had the first African-American president, who prioritized human rights and the environment. Feminism is no longer a trend. We can stay connected 24-7, no matter where we are, due to social media, which is both a blessing and a curse. We have cures for diseases and research that promises faster fixes utilizing technology. We recycle, innovate and create new ways of collaborating daily. We live longer and are more productive. But are we focused on the right things?

Nothing is perfect, and there is always sunshine even during darkness. When this pandemic started, I was almost looking forward to the lockdown. I thought: I can get stuff done, and take some things off of my plate. I could clean the closet, cook more and read the beloved stack of books waiting for me. What’s happening now, after almost seven weeks of social distancing: I am maintaining. That is my only objective of the day: get through it with a smile.

I am a born introvert, who pretends to be an extrovert after years of pretending and training. I am lucky in friends and family, and love spending time with those I love more than anything. It’s been tortuous feeling stuck (but safe!) at home, alone all the time.

Triggers of my anxiety include isolation, masks and lack of control. Basically, everything happening each day right now. I am using all of my coping skills, self-soothing mechanisms and what I learned from therapy to get through. I am not striving to thrive, but to survive. I am focused on healthy choices but also partaking in more cheese and wine than usual. I figure if I get through the day, and sleep well, I can call it a success.

Daily I reach out to friends and fam by text, phone and video call. It’s been fun reconnecting and connecting nightly with good people. I have an awesome tribe and they’re not going anywhere, even with a global crisis. Currently we have only two jobs: to be kind and to be careful. Health and human connection are the only things that matter. We must be patient and resilient and take good care of ourselves, our family and our lives. It’s relatively simple - anything else is gravy.

There’s not a lot of good news right now (minus John Krasinki’s new YouTube show) but I am determined to create and my own. Good things are coming because I open, deserving and ready for a better future full of hope and connection to be manifested. As we ease into this new world, I want to insert myself into it’s creation, as I want to create a kinder, gentler world that has space for a short girl like me. I am luckier than many, and must count and share my blessings more often.

[francieking]

Good or bad, we’ll never know

I don’t care for basketball. That isn’t typically a deal breaker as people don’t like everything I like, either. I grew up with sports on the television and on the weekend activity docket. Soccer, gymnastics, football, you name it. My Dad and I were two peas in a pod watching and learning, from near and far. Although my cousin played at Gonzaga in the 90′s, and then dabbled in pro-ball, and even though I was a ball and hype girl at CHS, I never cared for hoops. I don’t know if it’s because I am not tall, because it’s a loud game, or because I find it slow, but I have never been a true fan.

I know the big guys: the Curry’s, the Jordan’s, etc. I have long admired sneaker culture and the prowess of people who dominated the game. I liked Kobe. His name, his smile, his talent. I appreciated him. I read the stories about him being a #girldad, and thought that was cool. When he beamed talking about the talent of his daughter Gianna, I thought of my father, the original proud dad.

When I heard of their families sad demise, I did what I always do and started reading. And couldn’t stop. No one is perfect, and we all deserve redemption. I firmly believe this. When he was accused of rape, he was young, and it was dismissed. I had forgotten. But his death brought up unspoken trauma as a survivor (note - I don’t know many woman who aren’t survivors). I am glad he was a nice pops and hubby. But I can’t forget that he caused (knowingly or not) trauma to a young woman whose life will never be the same. 

He got to be a millionaire known for his talent. She had (and has) to hide. I believe in karma and healing, but it’s sad that Kobe got a second a chance, and his accuser (for lack of a better name) did not. I am sorry for her family, for his family, for the other families lost, but can’t help but wonder how the maid he most likely attacked is now. Does she feel sadness upon his death? Does she finally feel safe?

Life is hard, and long, and we all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. What I wonder often is if abusers knew the chaos they caused, would they continue the abuse? If they weren’t abused themselves, would they not pass this on? Now more than ever I wonder about the power of true connection and kindness and how we can teach children in this crazy time that even in this digital world, words and actions matter. As Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

What (mainly) men (and I am not a hater) must remember is that a moment of pleasure for them can cause a lifetime of trauma for others. We will survive and overcome but what meant nothing to you, changed everything for us. I hope we can move forward in this new, scary world, seeing and hearing each other, and realizing that our actions and words matter and that kindness never goes out of style.

[francieking]

Another dating disaster

“I have something to tell you.” Never a good sign, nor what you want to hear, on a first date. I had been writing a handsome brunette for a week or so on an app. Our chats were typical, flirty, and contained no cause for alarm. He said he was stressed, but I didn’t think anything of it. It was 2018 after-all, and we were in our late 30′s, where nothing was easy.

We decided to meet in person at a nice roof-top bar in downtown Portland near my office (not that he knew where I worked, but I prioritize making dates convenient for me). It was spring, and warm, but we sat inside because the outdoor patio was full. He was well dressed and friendly. Until suddenly the conversation turned.

“So, I might still be married,” he said. I don’t believe in maybe’s or almost. I know it’s not a popular notion, but to me the world is black and white.

I took a sip of my wine (now a bit upset at myself for agreeing to another drink) and said, “That doesn’t make sense.”

He answered, “Well, we’re working out the divorce.”

Sigh. I am now already done, but don’t to waste perfectly good wine so I continue to sip. The waitress pops by and he orders me a second wine without asking. I don’t say anything, but am planning my exit.

“And, one more thing.” He says during a moment of silence while we wait for our second drink.

Another sigh from me. I also don’t believe in showing all of your cards on a first date. Don’t be an available Jones, as my wise Mimi always said.

“Well, I really like you (internal dialogue: how do you know? you only met me 30 minutes ago!) but I might be going to prison.”

I laugh, because this is preposterous.

“I am not kidding. I am in trouble. I got jumped, and the police were called, and blamed me.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I was robbed outside a bar. I had too much to drink and the remnants of my childhood trauma came to life, and I had an out of body experience. I did things I am not proud of, but I didn’t mean it. The police came, I couldn’t speak and they aligned with my attackers.”

Pause. “I didn’t kill anyone.” (Internal dialogue: as if that explains it, or makes the situation more tenable.)

I next went into journalism mode, asking questions, showing no emotion, and wondering at 38 how this was the date I was on. I am a capable, attractive professional. This is what I’ve got for dating options?

He kept talking, I kept listening, and I continued to wonder how I got here. I don’t know much, but I know my gut. Typically when people are attacked the attacker gets in trouble. If he did nothing wrong, why was my date out on bail? A bail that took his savings, and changed his life? (Again, I don’t know what to believe. I am just reporting on the words that were said.)

After a while (ok, when I was finished with my drink and ready to go anywhere but where I was),  he mentions proudly, “I just texted my cousin,” (I honestly hadn’t noticed) “and told him I was with a cute girl, and couldn’t hang out. What should we do?”

Gulp. Again, I am hungry but there is no chance I am giving this guy any more time. I was ready for a snack and another drink, but not here. “Thank you but I have to go. I wish you the best, but I don’t think this is a match. Good-bye.” I was ready for dinner and in a hurry to get to safety. I felt that maybe he had a bad wrap, but I had too much on my own plate to learn more.

Dating is not for the weak. And this is why I am single.

[francieking]

Create + Cultivate LA

Create + Cultivate is a blog, resource center, and curated content hub for ladies hoping to kick as* and take names. I appreciate their upbeat vibe and beautiful Instagram feed. I recently attended their Portland, OR pop-up and left inspired and excited. When I heard my girl Lauren Conrad was one of the main speakers I jumped at the chance to attend. Sunshine also called as the February doldrums in the PNW are real. I was not disappointed. It was a day chock full of wisdom, go girl ‘tude and champagne. I got my make-up done, my snack on and met cool chicks in the bathroom. I also found a new fab dress at a Fashion District pop-up.

To be honest, it was a great day but there were a few disappointments. Molly Sims does not have a strong enough education or business background to give advice on launching a business. Her lifestyle brand was launched because she was already a face and a name. Most of us in the room (and in the world) don’t have that edge. 

Ideas for improvements for next year: more bathrooms. This was a mostly all female event. Secondly, I realize as an event producer that scheduling is difficult. For the most part, the day flowed super smoothly, until the keynotes neared. The two long breaks to work out seating, were a huge waste of time for attendees and the made the long day too long. Easily fixable. 

On to the good stuff! Food and drink were plentiful, healthy and yummy. This is difficult to do with 100+ people and was greatly appreciated by this girl with her frequent low blood sugar spells. The shopping was great at the pop-ups and beyond. There were insta-ready places to hang all over the amazing space. I also liked my swag bag. It had tons of beauty products that I hadn’t tried and am looking forward to testing. The Create+Cultivate team made it look easy with organized staff, kind security and proper support through out the day. Things were mainly timely and appropriate. There were a few panels that veered towards the salesy, but that is to expected. I hope to return to other events, and to keep in touch with some of the lovelies I met.

Things I learned (aka the days themes in a nutshell):

1. White boots are super cool.

2. Classic black leather jackets are always good, too.

3. Being yourself pays off. Really it does.

4. Make time to plan, test and use data. And then re-think your plan if needed.

5. Everyone is craving connection. Give it to them. Create a true community where you respond, interact and connect. 

6. Remember to listen. Everyone talks but few take time to hear others.

7. Don’t worry about the people who don’t like you. Worry about the people who do.

8. Find your tribe and be true to it. 

9. Practice makes better (who wants to be perfect?). Just keep swimming.

10. Its ok to suck at first. Growth is opportunity.

11. Be open, natural and authentic at all times.  Online and offline, people notice when you’re real and they’re attracted to it.

12. Engage in real life, not just on your blog or on social media.

13. You own the content you create, but not the channels its on. Remember they can go away (nice point, Louise Roe). 

14. Consistency breeds results and loyalty.

15. Know why you’re doing what you’re doing. And know where you’re going.

16. Don’t just inspire, be inspired.

17. Pivot when necessary. Keep moving forward.

18. Celebrate small successes and wins.

19. Hire people smarter than you.

20. Say thank you. Often.

21. Confidence can’t replace self-esteem (from the talk with Levo + Express but didn’t write down who said it because I was so enamored with it).

22. People want to feel a part of something. 

23. Diversify, include others and remember have fun. 

Overall it was a fabulous day and I’m glad I went to LA. I will continue to follow Create + Cultivate and vow to create more content, more consistently and to help create a space to support other badas* babes. Cheers to the hustle, the sun and to ladies working hard.

[francieking]

Love Warrior: A Memoir and a Battlecry

Finally read Glennon Doyle’s “Love Warrior” and the message really resonated with me. If you don’t love yourself, who do you love? If you’re always hiding, who do you see? This memoir tackles mental health, marriage, parenthood and being female in wise praise. This past year, I have been on a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. Typical 30 something stuff: Why am I still single? Why is my career not where I want it to be? How can I learn to say no when I’ve always said yes? Its been awkward, uncomfortable and tiring at times but I’ve learned that I’m worth more than I’ve given myself credit for. I have spent too much time on low hanging fruit or giving the benefit of the doubt, and I need to reach for the stars instead. I no longer feel the need to be polite, but I refuse to lose my kindness, no matter what is thrown at me.

Its brave and its difficult to show your true self, and to make yourself the center. Especially for females, we’re taught from childhood to take care of everyone. Who is going to take care of us? Glennon asks a question that I have recently been pondering myself: if we’re always taught to be small, how do we create space? Much of my time with my counselor has been spent discussing boundaries. I have to create them with myself: less gossip; less screen time; more vegetables; better sleep; more rest. I rarely say no but I have realized although I feel lonely, I need more alone time than the average time. I simultaneously crave human interaction and need time to recover it. 

I am fortunate to have so many amazing people in my life and I am really trying to focus on all the great things they do and the traits that they possess that I’d like to emulate. I have much to learn and do, but I’m not yet where I’d like to be. Instead, I am working on sending more thank you notes and check in texts. I am spending more time with people I love and admire. This attitude of gratitude has paid off in mainly lovely people, near and far, close and acquaintance, showing up for me this year. Its been a beautiful and brutal time, much like Glennon discusses. 

To have the time that I have had, and that Glennon was blessed to have during the time of reconciliation with her true self, is unique and precious and not to be wasted. I am putting myself first. I am resting more. I am saying I love you more. I am staying home when I need to. I am asking for help. I am listening to my gut. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes and preparing for a successful future. I am visualizing and plotting where I want to be. Thank you Glennon for creating a work that made me feel less alone, and less strange. Although our stories are not similar, they have a common thread. We’re all good people trying to do good things. We all want peace and love. We all want strong families and communities. Good things are coming and I’m proud to be on this journey with fellow warriors.

[francieking]

How not to attract top talent, a love story.

I admit it. In my 20′s, I was worried about having fun and growing up, not my career. That has put me a bit in deficit but my last two jobs (more than five years time) have allowed me to learn, grow and know my strengths (and weaknesses). I am here to win, not to play. I have spent the last year in contemplation, giving my time to those in need and focus on creating a better me and a better Portland. Its been a year of growth and opportunity, but I am still looking for a full time role that inspires.

There have been countless meetings, interviews, and screenings on my calendar that frankly have left me the opposite of inspired. I am determined to find the light, and spread my vision so I will keep going. Here are some recent less than stellar interactions:

1.Interviewer sounds like they’re in tears on the phone. “Its great working here. Even with the layoffs.” (Lesson: know when to hire, and when to recalibrate.)

2. Send a rejection letter to the wrong name (like, not even close. I literally can not make this up). (Lesson: slow down.)

3. Send a discount code to future events you’re hosting after saying in an email “We will not be interviewing you.” Awkward and odd. (Lesson: work with a legal team on your rejection letters and treat people like people.)

4. Ghost/ignore. Shocking to be treated this way professionally but becoming more and more common place. (Lesson: everyone is worth a proper response. You’re not more important/busier than anyone else. If you don’t have time to hire, don’t.)

5. Not know anything about me during an interview, although I have sent writing samples, a resume and a cover letter. This is in addition to my blog, Linkedin and recommendations from colleagues. (Lesson: preparation is sexy.)

6. Leave a voicemail late on a Friday night saying they hired someone else five months after the interview. Again, this is not exaggerated. I had checked out my competition on Linkedin months before. (Lesson: timing is everything.)

7. “I have exactly 15 minutes to talk to you.” I was recently cut off during a conversation that started late while I was asking a question to get to know the role better. (Lesson: (again!) If you don’t have time for interview, change your schedule, or hold off on hiring.)

8. Video interviews for local candidates. This makes no sense to me. I live nearby and would rather meet in person, see the office and feel the vibe in person. And vice versa- I would like them to see me in the flesh. This makes me not interested to be honest. (Lesson: companies should think less of scheduling and more about finding the right fit. This will pay off for them and the employee (imagine a win-win situation).)

I am not discouraged. I am resolute to be better and humanize the approach, as we’re all people. When I’m on the other side of the table, I will remember that my time is not any more important than yours, and vice versa. I spent time applying, researching and preparing. Shouldn’t you spend time responding, thanking me for my skills and at least be present in the process? I am far from perfect but I am always trying to learn, better myself and do more next time. Not sure why I am on this journey but trying to learn from it each day. I can find something good in each interaction and right now that is my job.

[francieking]

Feminist Fight Club: a review

*Image from https://www.feministfightclub.com/

It’s no secret I’ve been fired up this year. Our President is unsatisfactory. Our legislature is less than stellar. I’ve been in some of the most confusing and infuriating situations with men in the past two years of my entire life (that I will not recreate but  have learned from). I am not a hater, but I’m eager for change for good. I realize I am the only one I can control or predict so I need to be more focused, more prepared and kinder to create the change I want to see.

I have been following Jessica Bennett’s Feminist Fight Club since it was published, but only recently took the time to read it from cover to cover. A self-described “Office Survival Manual for a sexist workplace,” I found it self-depreciating, inclusive and practical. Women are often seen as angry, but I find them tired. Tired of being ignored, not listened to and consistently passed over. At times, the behavior is oblivious, not malicious but its unwarranted and outdated. Bennett urges us to move forward without misogyny or anger. Hate is unnecessary but change is. “We must do it for ourselves,” said Shirley Chisholm, the first African American women elected to congress, and I don’t think its ever been so true. Following is a brief wrap-up of a book full of wise words, awesome advice and easy fixes to tricky situations. 

Sexism can be quiet. It can be simply being asked to take notes or get coffee, because you’re the lone female in the room (this has happened to me and its was infuriating). It can be being seen as being ungrateful, uncommitted or aggressive because you say no. The ultimate goal is to make a collaborative and progressive workplace as they’re more profitable and inclusive (per statistics). We as a gender and as a group need to not only ask for more, but expect more. Boundaries need to be set and uncomfortable conversations need to be had. We must arm ourselves with data, confidence, skills and allies. 

Learning to say no is important. Kindly and succinctly but focus helps all. Be honest and tenacious. Don’t say sorry. Take out the um and other qualifiers. Lead with strong examples and verbs. Stop signing up for menial talks. This isn’t to say that you’re not a team player or that tasks or under you, you’re just not focused on administrative work because its not moving you forward. bond with teammates so if others take credit, you have a backup crew. Tell people when they’re wrong but then move on. 

Share the load. Accept praise. Know your worth, and your breaking point. Stand and sit tall. Be early and be prepared. Don’t fidget. Model yourself on confident, engaged people. Take chances to speak out loud. Have a plan and stick to it. Get support when needed. Learn to brag. Know when to be patient and when to quit. Ask questions and offer answers. Gather and expect feedback. Call on the quietest person in the meeting. Avoid humble brags (really any king of bragging) and self-depreciation. Remember you only receive what you ask for, and that loyalty doesn’t pay the rent. You don’t owe anyone anything (except respect and vice-versa). 

Create allies not enemies. Derive strength from the group. Invest in others. Quit underestimating yourself and know your true worth. Psych yourself up. Use your words. Unsubscribe from doubt. Set incremental goals. Avoid burn-out. Spend time without digital media. Use your voice. Be firm and be yourself. Acknowledge problems, successes, results and inconsistencies. Don’t wallow. Combine ambition with friendliness, humor, kindness and empathy. Make female power the norm. Use niceness to your advantage but focus more on being independent, confident, fair and intelligent. Don’t be the shoulder for the office to cry on. Make it about the work, not the person. Use affirmations to boost your confidence. Convey your power. Don’t demand, create opportunity. Do your research. Use we, not I.

Don’t be afraid of failure. Don’t quit (but do recalibrate). Don’t take it personally. Remember not everyone is going to like you (and you don’t have to like them). Assume the best. Set expectations and stick with them. Say it like you mean it. Do you: know your strengths and see opportunity. Remember that you’ll always be ok. Avoid negativity. Remember that everyone flounders. 

Men its your turn. We want to work with you, not for you. We ask you to listen. We ask you to lift us up. We ask you to include us. We ask you to watch your language. We ask you to share chores with us. We ask you to sit next to us at the table. We ask you to appreciate our work and our minds. We thank you for being allies during a time thats tough for all. We’re changing hearts, minds and job descriptions. We need you on your side. 

Ladies, slow down and engage. Urge your friends to rise up with you. Be strong, bold and true. Know yourself. What are your goals? Whats your biggest pet peeve? What’s your worst story at the office? What are you hopes for the future? What positive changes have you seen happen already? What would tell your younger self? What do you need to work on? What have you learned? Thoughtful plans yield powerful results. As Hillary Clinton said, we’re stronger together. We’ve got this and we’re not going back. I’m going to keep reading, keep learning and keep supporting women who rule (while rocking my Wild Feminist t-shirt). The actionable plans and seemingly simple fixes are well written, well researched and ready for you to implement. Thanks Jessica for leading the charge. I won’t let you (or our sisters) down. And I will read your words again and again.

Bookclub guide: https://www.dropbox.com/s/cww595h9aqo9kl5/FFCReadingGuide.pdf?dl=0

Spotify playlist to pump you up: https://open.spotify.com/user/francieking/playlist/02ixcL70GjFCi8Hj5bbd3Z

[francieking]

Tomorrow is a new day and we have to do everything different.

Today was a tough day. I mentor each Saturday and during my two years with high school students, I have heard things that surprised me and affected me including struggles with DACA, domestic violence and poverty. But today, hearing that most of the students in the program don’t feel safe at school on a daily basis, I was devastated. Our world has gotten so out of balance and our country is no longer the land of the free. These kids aren’t worried about what they’ll do if a situation arises, they’re worried that administrators won’t listen to their concerns before and after a crisis occurs. They see their teachers as overwhelmed and overburdened. They see the world as unfair, uncertain and simply not ok. They aren’t quite sure what to do (who is?) but are resolute that they know right from wrong and see the younger students at the schools as a problem. Even with security, they don’t feel their campuses are secure. They see bullying, graffiti and disrespect daily. They disengage and keep moving to their futures, rising above the chaos. 

With technology, crazy parental work schedules and social media, our lives are full but our hearts are empty. The loneliness of life at this moment is palpable. We vote but those in power don’t listen. Our so-called President is the bully in chief. Working hard no longer cuts it. College degrees don’t pay the bills. Despair is easy to find, but it doesn’t promote change, nor create solutions. The future isn’t guaranteed but its the only thing we can impact today. I urged the students to lead the charge, and ignore people that say its the way it is or  tell them not to rock the boat. The boat has left and we have to make our own vessel. We need to create communities that care. We need to promote health, mental strength and kindness. We need to listen more and lecture less. Adults need to be involved in kids lives while simultaneously giving them space and support to grow, fail and learn on their own accord. We need to lead always with love. Tolerance and inclusion should be taught in schools. Adults need to engage early when things are not working and teach coping mechanisms. I don’t have children but many whom I love do. I ache that my nephews were born into a world I no longer understand. I have not lost hope but I have lost patience. I want reform. i want communities that care. I want representatives that represent and leaders who inspire. I want influencers who create positive change. I want the basics to be the base. I am far from perfect and happy to do the work. I am figuring out my next move and it will be full of light, as thats what we need. 

[francieking]

I, Tonya and the power of perspective.

I’ve been thinking often lately about perspective. How having a positive one affects each and every aspect of life. And how feelings about the same events can bring both smiles and tears. I’ve realized that there is often no wrong or right or better or worse, only feelings on how something transpired or what it meant. 

Last weekend I saw I, Tonya. I enjoyed the format immensely - seeing the history roll out documentary style from the real life characters journeys was a treat. Life is full of luck (and hard work) and Tonya had bad luck and a strong work ethic her whole life. She hasn’t always been the best example but she is full of talent and chutzpah. I always admire people that spice things up or are an underdog. She grew up hardscrabble in SW Washington state and had abusive relationships her entire life. She was far from perfect, but was dedicated to her craft. She brought a style to figure skating that was unprecedented (and was the first American to land a triple axel in competition, an unprecedented achievement).

Did she know about the Nancy Kerrigan plot before it happened? Who knows at this point. I’m not even sure if she knows anymore or if the stories she’s told herself to survive are the current truth. She has suffered enough and lost everything: her family, her career and her reputation. She has lived life the best way she knew how and is now happily married and a mother of one. At the end of the day, aren’t we all just trying to survive? And isn’t success living a life that is true to us, surrounded by love? If the childhood and first marriage she suffered through were true, its not only amazing she’s still alive, but that’s managed to thrive in her own way. She seems destined for the spotlight and this time its been positive-ish. I don’t think we’ve heard the end of Tonya’s story as one thing she is for sure is unexpected.

[francieking]

How to promote your event in Portland, OR.

Everyone thinks they can do an event. This is not true. I like to think of an event as a story with a beginning, middle and end. Have a plan to thank, include and promote before, during and after your soiree. 

Think outside the box to promote. Here are some inexpensive but fun ways to get butts in the seats.

- Make postcards with concise, simple, inviting language and colorful imagery and place around the neighborhood in bars, cafes and on community bulletin boards. Make sure to use simple URLs that can easily be found i.e. a bitly link with your event name.

- Shamelessly promote. Use your personal social accounts + your companies social accounts (and hopefully a blog) to promote. Invite people (make it easy for them to find the who, what, when, where and why), do a live feed from the space and then remember to highlight sponsors/volunteers and thank those who attended (you can not ever over thank people involved).

- Money matters. Offer discounts or early bird specials. People are more apt to come if they have to RSVP/pay a nominal fee. But too much most can be prohibitive. Inclusive + reasonable are the ways to be.

- Go to community calendars and get the word out.

Portland Mercury

Willamette Week

Travel Portland (log in with Facebook + follow instructions)

Oregon Live

The Columbian (don’t forget about our neighbors to the north!)

Another great resource is the #pdxevents on social media. Add the tag and check out what others are doing.

Another good resource is Travel Oregon’s website. Email [email protected] with the following details and in 3 days, you should be good to go: Event title • Start + end date/time • Short description•  Phone # • Physical Address (street, city, zip) • Website• Email address (for customer inquiries)• Admission charge + link (yes/no) • Optional Image (no logos please)

And lastly, PDX Pipeline is a social + email component that many use. Its free for non-profits and if you email them at [email protected] with your event info they will send you for-profit rates. I have done contests with giveaways for reasonable rate and reached many unique potential customers.

- Write schools such as University of Portland, Portland State University, Art Institute of Portland,  Pacific Northwest College of Art, Portland Community College, Reed and Washington State University Vancouver. (I’ve had good luck with Facebook private messages so linked them here. Better yet if you have personal contacts with the career center or professors.)

- Use the KISS method: keep it simple silly. If people can’t tell what you’re event is going to be about in two seconds you’ve lost them. Make it findable, shareable and digestible. Let them know where you can be reached with questions (or to donate to your cause/become a sponsor). 

- Follow-up after the event and give donors/sponsors/vendors/volunteers kudos and marvel about your fab attendees. Send personal notes if necessary.

[francieking]

Conversations in innovation

Networking has become not only a pastime of mine but a passion. Storytelling and community are two of my favorite things and I prioritize attending or hosting events that create space for awesome people to shine. Yesterday morning I spent time at the Children’s Cancer Association (CCA)’s amazing office on Naito Parkway. The event was supported by Stumptown coffee and Washington Trust Bank (and was delicious!). I was not expecting the view or the breakfast spread. What was most invigorating however was the comfortable, inclusive feeling when you walked in the modern, welcoming office space. My curiosity was peaked by the colorful office and kind crowd.

I had seen Regina Ellis, founder and now Chief Joy Officer of CCA speak before and was once again struck with her passion, candor and energy when she introduced the panel. The group came to discuss technology, but I left focused on connection. Whether the VP of services and software at Intel (Peter Baker), running ChefsTable (Kurt Huffman), founder of Barre3 (Sadie Lincoln), working in innovation at Nike (Kathleen Poe), marketing at POSSIBLE (John Simpson) or managing visual effects at Laika (Steve Emerson), the panelists are all putting people first.  This really resonated to me during these trying times  - people are still important and no matter how fast we can move, humanity matters.

I admired the tenacity of each speaker and that they all admitted that technology was necessary while simultaneously created connection and confusion. Although more than 70% of Americans sleep with their cell phones, we’re struggling with time management, connection and, frankly, feeling weary. Do we need to know what everyone is doing at all times? Are we truly connecting with others if we’re only posting the highlights or the best days we’ve ever had? We’re wired for connection, but feel further than ever from those closest to us, even with the likes we have.

The brands represented on the panel chimed that technology only works if you’re using it in a way that works for you and your lifestyle. Its ok (and even encouraged) to take breaks. They all iterated that having a strong voice and knowing when and where to post is critical to success and to business. Generational differences are a thing, and are showing up directly in communication preferences today. The times they are a changing and business models, work days and social media have to roll with the tides. Younger folks today are used to having control of their time and manner of communication. Change can be scary but its the only constant in life so we must embrace it.

The interpersonal connection between humans will always be sacred. The crew enumerated that time is precious as are relationships. Technology can hinder connection but it can also revolutionize things such as medicine. Virtual Reality allows doctors to practice complicated surgeries without injuring patients. The power of digital also allows access to real time numbers including engagement and total followers so that marketers can use data to measure results (and pivot quickly if necessary). These advances are incredible and life changing for society.

The panel went on to further spotlight the power of technology to scale business. However, they reminded the crowd that its important to remember that the digital realm should be used for empowerment over manipulation. How do you truly connect online with a customer, partner or potential friend? How do you make the world smaller and bring unlikely people together? People still have the power. They can link humanity - computers can’t. They can spend money. Profits will always matter to companies but empathy will always translate to customers (and to be honest, its a differentiator these days). Its a different world we live but think of society at the turn of the 20th century and the innovations that have brought us to now. No one would have imagined cell phones, iPads and easy access to virtual reality. These are things the everyday consumer utilizes daily without hesitation.

Thank you Children’s Cancer Association for a morning full of creativity, kindness and urging people to slow down. It was a well executed event and I left fired up and ready to do more good.

[francieking]

👊🏻🙌🏻✌🏻👌🏻love @cleowade #mondaymotivation (at Portland, Oregon)

[francieking]

Truth is stranger than fiction - a dating memoir

The past year has been spent in reflection and putting myself out there. At 36, I feel like I am finally becoming who I am supposed to be and feeling more comfortable in my skin. The problem is, this confidence isn’t translating. I am working on it.

The good thing about dating in your 30′s is that you’re not nervous anymore- you know what you’re looking for after years of disasters (and successes) and you know how to read between the lines. Signals aren’t ignored. Actions are taken seriously. The bad thing is that the pool is smaller and the stakes are higher - there is no time to waste.

I will go on one date with most folks. I think why not? They took the time to ask me out and plan something, I should give them time. However, I am open to suggestions on this as its been uninspiring at best lately. Most dudes I meet in person are polite, kind and open (sometimes too open - read on for details) but I don’t feel the connection that most of them feel. My easy smile and good memory makes most feel comfortable (which is a blessing) but they also feel connected (a curse).

Here are a few of my latest dates.

- Cody: Photogenic. In sales (full-time job and no roommate! Score.). Funny writer. Met in person and i was taller than him in my heels (I am 5 ft 2) and might have weighed more than him. Immediately knew it wasn’t going to work.

- Herc: Photogenic. Serious. Civic minded. Super nice guy. Told me a lot of things about his life in one fell swoop (and even asked if it was too much). Wrote the sweetest after note saying he wished he could give me a yelp review as I was stellar. Did I mention he legally changed his name to Hurricane? Not a fit.

- The Cryer (cant’ remember his name but it really doesn’t matter): He immediately opened up about depression, failure and cried when discussing his late mother. Felt bad for him (we’re all going through it, man) but this definitely wasn’t 1st date banter. He then tried to split bill (he ate, I didn’t). I paid for my drinks and said good luck. He asked me to dinner. I politely declined.

I am happy to have stories (we need them) and learn from mistakes (we all have them) but am eager to find someone I connect with physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am ready to laugh and learn with someone who makes me think and boosts me forward. I want to have cute stories to tell instead of more 1st date disasters. Onward as good things are coming. I know who I am and am pretty cool. The right person will see soon enough. 

[francieking]

The OGs celebrating #kingbing life. 📸: @mollykingpdx (at Boise, Idaho)

[francieking]

Best sibs. #kingbing #kingfest #k3 (at Boise, Idaho)