Demanon Yssup

//One who writes with the syntax of passion and sings a life worthy of being danced.//

[mayahan]

Little Hamster Bartenders Serving Tiny Food and Drinks

[frandomaccount]

*high pitched screaming*

[frandomaccount]

Facebook Post

I posted this on my facebook. If this goes through and gets into the public record, I will be able to use her name while sharing my narrative in the future.

**TW; rape, sexual assault, victim shaming/blaming** A year and a half ago, I was in a relationship with a woman I had deeply loved and trusted. Four months later, I was raped by her. I was repeatedly abused during the span of our 8 month long relationship. I was continuously harassed afterwards. I publicly outed her, was extremely vocal and had gone to the police. This woman responded with a very public dismissal that I was not only hurt over a bad breakup, but that my being 20 years younger meant that I was inexperienced in both relationships and in dealing with rejection. That I was over-reacting, exaggerating and lashing out because I was already broken. People believed her. I was raped, assaulted, starved, harassed, cyber stalked, emotionally abused and forcibly confined multiple times. And she got away with this. The community, THIS community, not only failed to step up and hold her accountable when the police didn't; but some people went so far as to proactively protect, support and promote this woman. I no longer can believe in "inclusive", "sex-positive" and "safe space" events and locations. I am not going to reveal her name online. I've been successfully scared and threatened. I no longer have the energy nor the will to go into details online again. "Our" community seems to have little resistance in expressing outrage and demanding accountability for men who rape and rape culture. I, as well as other victims, have yet to see this kind of call for accountability within our own community. The community has a lot of work to do. And needs to do it without farther traumatizing, ostracizing and silencing victims of sexual assault. So why would I be mentioning this again? Why am I opening myself for another backlash? Another round of "so much lesbian drama"; another round of "You can easily find another girlfriend."; another round of "I don't understand. Women can't rape. You must be having separation anxiety". Why? This woman has, yet again, done this to other women. Other womEn. As in PLURAL. It's been a year since I've outed her. This is fucking ridiculous and ABSOLUTELY unacceptable. I doubt I was the first one. I could've been the last one. I should've been the last one. I wasn't. Apparently, she is now in jail. I don't know for how long.

[frandomaccount]

Mid-Month Update; Goals and Plans

Remember my New Year update? Some of those previous plans and goals for 2014?

TOTALLY SCRAPPED.

Credit. http://forgifs.com

...jokes.  (You love me.)

I'm still doing them, but I'm changing the timelines around to focus mainly on my business, startup and platform. I'm currently exploring ways to integrate the three into each other (more aligned with values, less work in terms of jumping everywhere on high focus projects).

You will start seeing movement before the year is over.

So the revised public plans (sorta) for 2014 (though I'm a huge fan of re-positioning — cough). And good luck reading the below. Aha. Sorry.

Travelling. Well...I'm currently on a Writing Retreat to concentrate on my book (cough...yes. "Fully concentrate" apparently looks like making blog updates). Am moving into the mountains in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere for a bit (haven't decided on how many months and how soon just yet); then am possibly going to India for a bit next winter. (India is not a garuantee, still figuring out the plans around this.)

Slowing hacking out my game/app. Yeah. Haha. Unless you want to try the absolutely minimal Beta version, you're probably going to have to wait until next year before you see any hint of this. (Unless I get over excited and I start to leak my own plans. Totally possible.) This is more of a fun project that I'm making in line with my personal goals.

Collaborations! Have done several Shorts. Will be doing a few fun music and video collaborations. Whether you get any news of them depends on if they're in line with my public (will see/get news of) or personal goals (won't see or get news of...unless you're in my heart and/or things).

Salt 'n Pepper is a maybe for 2014. Definitely in the future...but I need to seriously think about completing a story that's not my narrative. Sorry folks. After everything that has happened in 2013. That I've survived and am surviving, the telling of experiences is a quite serious thing for me. Creating an arc around the death of Bee's lover — something that was originally meant to dissect racism, loss, homophobia, slut-shaming and transphobia (wow...12year old me is really showing her environmental influences growing up)...is seeming problematic to me. Why? Those of you who remember Mercy, she's trans. So I not only killed off the only trans character, but one of the book perspective is from her PoV. So what does that mean for the future of the 'Flavours of Life' arc? Um...a lot of recalibration as I do some learning, and discussing with the friends and ex-lovers for whom transitioning as a QPoC IS a narrative.

Start expecting both French and English in my social media updates. Possibly Japanese and Chinese. If friends who don't have English as their first language find it more convenient. Otherwise, deal with the shitty bilingual versions until I get my French back.

Credit. http://forgifs.com

YAY GOALS!!

...Wow, this blog is turning into something else. Sorry followers, really.

On that note, I'm curious as to why you follow me.

Is it because I unabashedly talk my experiences? Because I reblog hot queer peeps? Because I rant about the intersections - albeit not so much lately- and complexities? My artwork?

Or perhaps...

...my stunning good looks, as well as my charming and winning personality? (Oh yeah. Don't you know it hottie.)

Please, feel free to shoot me an email, send something to my "Questions?/質門をする？／提问？" or PM me. (Really, truly.)

Side Note: Can I just say that everyone should learn markup languages? I finally put aside hacking out my game/app to brush up (okay, learn. Since I preoccupied with other things first time my teacher ran this by) on my markup languages and Javascript (helps that this is super similar to C# — first language bias. Whatever), and LIFE IS SO MUCH EASIER ON THE INTERNET. OH MY GOD.

[frandomaccount]

Subs, Business, Art and Belated Chinese New Year!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLKS. Or, erm.....more like belated by the time this comes out...

Am I alive? Yes, I'm alive! Sort of, anyways.

I've been just, uh....incredibly, incredibly pre-occupied. (Cough.) Between working on my Start-up(s), business, partners+/lovers, coding/programming...things, writing and art submissions — my schedule's been crammed. Not busy, just incredibly fucking crammed.

So My Love has left. Our paths will cross together again before 2015. Hopefully she'll come drive the 15+ hours and see me when I'm living out in the mountains or even right now would be good because I'm already missing the fucking dog (and her) like something fierce? (explicit hint drop)

So I have a fucking ADORABLE Subbie. Who hilariously echoes my love's talks of "You're a Fiesty Femme Top!" despite my protests of "SWIIIIIIIIITCH."

So I've learned that my rule of never being with any ex's and/or friend's friends and/or exes is near impossible to enforce because everyone knows everyone in the queer community and that gets really fucking complex when you're in a variety of relationships with persons. (Seriously. Complex.)

So I had capped the age at 32. And I obviously didn't stick to my own conviction of "No more queer women in their late 30's! They're fucking insane, are emotionally and psychologically abusive as FUCK, and aren't capable of handling themselves without traumatizing or badly scarring anyone in the process! I'll do 32.....okay, maybe 34...okaaaaaaay, maybe 35-36 pushing it...the oldest!"

Soooooo, I said I would never again touch any egotistical, self-centered, overreactive Leos (/rant)...and yeah. I have no idea what happened there. (Maybe it was the "...you must make a lot of women happy." after amongst some other incredibly fun things.)Sooooooooooooo, I've been learning that being incredibly pre-occupied makes being triggered really, really much harder because you kind of forgot what that felt like and the way you now react is totally different yet the same compared to the way you used to. FUN. Not really not at all. But also interesting. I've been rarely badly triggered so far for the past 2.5 months — but now, everytime, the methods I use to process and work through reminds me of my focus. Gives me immediate insane clarity and drive to take multiple leaps forward in achieving my goals and dreams. So, grasping at straws? Silver lining?I don't know. Can I just get that same kind of clarity and drive without getting badly triggered first?

[frandomaccount]

Thinking out Loud (can someone stuff her mouth?): On loving hard and relationships

#too much in my mind #thinking

[ajapornfilms]

Courtney Trouble X Sinn Sage for Queerporn.tv

Dir by Ajapop

Watch full scene: http://queerporn.tv/wp/sinn-sage-and-courtney-trouble

[frandomaccount]

Can we talk about this? Because Sinn Sage. Zooooooomg.

[biohazardbutterfly-deactivated2]

life is like, set up to humiliate the fuck out of us and our oppression, depression, anxieties, perfectionism/procrastination, and love. it’s mind blowing that we are still here.

[aguitada]

seriously. all this. then I think damn, some of us literally escape death like at least once…. Amazing. I am grateful to be alive and to just be… regardless of how hard it is. 

[frandomaccount]

For me making it through the year barely alive! And for all of those insanely close to my heart who've survived yet through another year. To all those amazing ones who made it, and to those incredible ones who took another path.

[zeusammon]

[paradoxicalsentiments]

Truisms and Inflammatory Essays by Jenny Holzer. American

This is a sampling of Holzer’s early work, where she printed out the above and plastered them all over NYC in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s. Unlike her current work, these were never intended to be museum pieces, but displayed in the public sphere. Also they were not produced to become permanent pieces of art. 

[heavenearthandhoratio]

Imagine you’re at a party. A guy offers you a drink. You say no. He says “Come on, one drink!” You say “no thanks.” Later, he brings you a soda. “I know you said you didn’t want a drink, but I was getting one for myself and you looked thirsty.” For you to refuse at this point makes you the asshole. He’s just being nice, right? Predators use the social contract and our own good hearts and fear of being rude against us. If you drink the drink, you’re teaching him that it just takes a little persistence on his part to overcome your “no.” If you say “Really, I appreciate it, but no thanks” and put the drink down and walk away from it, you’re the one who looks rude in that moment. But the fact is, you didn’t ask for the drink and you don’t want the drink and you don’t have to drink it just to make some guy feel validated.

(via b0mbshell101)

Reblogged for point that predators use the social contract and our own good hearts and fear of being rude against us.

[frandomaccount]

Venting Piece; Holigay Fun

*TW: rape, eating dis/order, suicide* Oooonce again I write a ranting/venting piece that will have to be re-written later. And yeah.

So. A lot of things happened this holiday (hello escapism, ranting and alcohol — because everyone needs that super awkward moment with your ex where you're told "oh, so YOU'RE—......have you considered moving your bed or maybe gags?" by the neighbours or that super awkward moment with your ex when you fall asleep all entwined and wake up to their child somehow squished in between us. Not that that happened or anything, because who has delightfully uncomplicated complicated-to-explain queer relationships ever? Ugh).

Some history; I was a chubby, chubby child. Proud about that? Fuck yes. However, I wasn't then. Then, I was struggling with being regularly told things like "your piece came up and I just thought, oh here comes the blimp", "you're too fat. In my days, kids weren't that fat." and other delightful things by...family members (mainly). Yeah. Bullying by random people? I can really dish it out. Somehow though, when it comes to family and/or people I consider close to my heart, I always choose silence and internalization. (Pattern am now actively tackling because that is what enabled the woman who raped and traumatized me, and continues to enable multiple other problematic things that DO hurt not only me.) Tried starving myself and other fun things like that. (That was sarcasm for those of you who are completely unable to read between the lines.) I eventually stopped caring and stopped listening to the well-intending people who were actually in fact hurting me. (Oh hey, look. Another theme of "the way to hell is paved with well intentions". Retrospect is the not-fun kind of bitch.) And you know what happened? I grew to love and be proud of my body. So you know what? Dear family and other folks, Despite all the supposed well-intentioned bullshit you threw my way, I came to an understanding with my body. Some might say, you contributed to my resiliency by neccessity; giving me tools and such a strong, proud love with my body and self for the storms to come. Verbally and emotionally abusive ex; Span of relationship with rapist; Super fun (because everyone needs a traumatizing) breakup where things like my bracelet being ripped off, being forcibly held down and muffled happened; Outed my rapist. I kept unhealthily losing weight, but despite everything, I had continued to take pride in and love my body. Then thrown in that insanely traumatizing situation that hit ALL of my fucking triggers thanks to lovely relationship with rapist? Coming out with clothes, no longer caressing my curves in passionate grips; but hanging, loose off my body. I had loved breasts that lovers couldn't help but gasp and marvel at. I had loved hips that lovers bent over with groans and moans. I had prided myself on curves that elicited shutters and stutters. I came out with my clothes literally hanging off my body and any sense of self-love or worth for my body, gone. So the point of all that? The point is this; stop commenting. Stop saying "you lose weight! You too skinny now, eat more!"; stop telling me that I look so much better than I used to; stop asking me what I've been doing different to lose weight; STOP STOP STOP. You know what? You might mean well (whatever), but you're not entitled to my body. It isn't yours to police. It's not yours to be educated on. When you remind me that I lost weight, you're reminding me that I now cry if I look at my body for too long or without some serious meditation; when you remind me that I lost weight, you bring up feelings of being undesireable (despite their best efforts, I'm really sorry my love) and insecurity; when you remind me that I lost weight, you remind me to start hating my body and therefore myself, again; when you remind me that I lost weight, you remind me of the shit I fucking went through. Can y'all folks do me a favour and DON'T FUCKING FETISHIZE MY TRAUMA. I got out from that situation and wanted to fucking die. I wanted to fade and disappear from the world because the ignorance that I experienced in reaction to my rape and repeated trauma that night got to me; how fucked up the whole situation and the world is, got to me. My brush with death and them thinking I was suicidal was what landed me there (I wasn't. I was too angry, and intent on living a wonderfuckingful, worthy of songs life as revenge and justice to think about suicide), and hilariously enough, that place was EXACTLY what made me want to fucking slit my wrist, want to shoot myself in the head, want to run screaming off a fucking cliff. So guess fucking what? When you say things like "why are you trying to gain weight? You look better than before. Everyone else is trying to lose weight" you're telling me that none of my narratives or experiences are important; you're telling me any every fucking thing I've struggled with as result and now struggle with, aren't really that big of a deal. And you know what? I've worked really fucking hard to be really fucking good at dealing with and to have overcome my PTSD and anxiety. To relearn how to do things like respect and appreciate for my body again. Don't fucking come me with "overreacting", "it's just a compliment" and other bullshit when I try to be compassionate and explain to you pieces of herself despite wanting to just scream on top of her lungs, say "educate yourself" and push to the countless resources available. You're not entitled to people's bodies. Commenting, comparing, fetishizing, all that bullshit? Quit it. Quit it right now. Losing that weight was absolutely devastating and a constant unhealthy reminder. I've been working WAY too fucking hard learning how to self-love again — to aquaint myself with a body that now has to be super sensitive and diligent about things like immunity, hormones, stress and circulation because it now consistently gets sick; I've been working too hard to get to the point where I can look at my naked body without wanting to wail or cry at what I see in the mirror, and actually appreciate my new curves opposed to comparing them to the deep, delicious, enticing dips and turns they used to be — to have you undermine everything with a "you look better. You were chunky before." So favour? Next time you want to comment on my body, how about you a) fuck me b) shut up c) talk about sunshine, rainbows and puppies d) cuddle me e) bring me tea f) all of the above instead? A lover? Continue to be in awe and lust of my breasts. Continue to stare into my eyes, holding your breath. Continue to slowly trace your fingers up and down my curves. A friend? Continue cuddling with me. Continue pretending to be flabberghasted when I flirt, right before you make me blush and stammer because you dish it better. (Seriously.) Continue to stroke me until I shiver, get shy and snap at you. Family? Continue piling food on my plate because I'm the baby of the family and I eat every fucking thing. Continue loudly teasing me about that really fucking stupid and embarrassing thing I said (twice in quick succession). You fuck me? Shut up and fuck me. Can this (not) be a thing? Yeah? K, thanks. Signed, 

Demanon Yssup.

[luckyfaeth]

what a great time to be gay/bi/pan/queer at Hogwarts

[cestnepasuneblog]

Dumbledore’s just laughing hysterically in his office

[queenfeminist-deactivated201410]

reblog this if you are any of the following

women of color

feminist poc

queer poc

person of color

fat posi poc

i need more people to follow

[frandomaccount]

Twerking, Ani DiFranco and Cultural Appropriation

Uuuuugh, I need to disengage before I boil into a raging pile of wrath. A quick venting piece because uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhh, just. What? No. Just, no. stop.

First, fuck you Miley. I thought I could ignore it but I give up. Thanks to you, I get to see dykes who say their pathetic attempt at booty shaking is twerking. You're not even fucking doing it right. Jumping around and shaking your lower half is NOT TWERKING. Bending over and doing some sort of spastic twitch is NOT TWERKING. You know who can fucking twerk?

My 7 year old cousin. My in her late-70's auntie. And honest to god, my great-grandmother can twerk better than you.

And stopping at second before I just don't stop ever; do not, I repeat, don't you fucking dare mashup Chinese and Japanese culture together into some — uuuuuuuuuuuuugh. There's a fuck load of horrible history (understatement) between the two and there are a lot of people who are (rightfully) resentful. Besides all the appropriation that I'm actively choosing to ignore, can we please talk about that cheongsam-kimono bastardization?

Read.

http://www.autostraddle.com/top-ten-instances-of-open-and-unapologetic-celebrity-cultural-appropriation-in-2013-210371/

Then, if you're on twitter, check out #righteousretreat — actually. You can even just search on tumblr, because shit's rightfully hitting the fan.

(And check out #whatisblackprivilege #queeringgender #blackpowerasianperil and other tags.)

Now excuse me while I watch hours of Deepika and Priyanka (!!!) as a destresser.

[little-nook]

[frandomaccount]

Christmas Crying

I'm finishing up some Christmas thank you letters to people who've come into and gone from, and who continue to be in my life; letters to people who've been and are pivotal to why I'm still alive today.

Yes, you read that right. Remember back at the end of September when I was thrown into that situation? That situation came because I almost died. And I would probably-most-likely, not be here today if it wasn't for these people.

I'm writing these letters meant to be overly sappy and be tear-jerkers, and I'm the one fucking bawling as I type away in this queer as fuck café. (No, incredibly hot queer with the cutest-curls-with-that-one-long-braid I've ever seen. I'm not crying because my lifelong asshole partner decided to break up with me during the Christmas week so they could avoid meeting my family. Nice guess, though.)

#awkward #pickuplines

[p-hnx-deactivated20170823]

In the instances when POC say shit like ‘Oh I can’t stand white folk’ or ‘Damn white people’, they aren’t saying ‘Oh I think they are inferior, I want to humiliate them, abuse them, enslave them and wipe out their people!’, they’re saying ‘Damn, after a couple hundred years of white people thinking I’m inferior, humiliating me, abusing me, enslaving me, and trying to wipe out my people, I don’t wanna deal with them.’ The context is completely different.

Briana (via absinthedisco)

YEEEEEEEEEEEES. Oh my god.

[frandomaccount]

Femme Business Grant

I'M (somewhat not really) BACK TUMBLR (two weeks later...)

I had an Artivist(!) performance , hustled, danced and loved hard, and have been sharing my truuuuuth (oh my god. Fucking huge, giant, ginananananaanoooooormous news that I'm not going to share until things are 100% solidified — that I'm equal parts bad kind of terrified and good kind of terrified about. Hint, has to do with sexual(ized) violence and accountability in the queer community,)

And holy shit holy shit holy shit. Writing a last-minute business grant is the most puke-worthy, stress-inducing thing I've ever done in my life. Submitted 2 minutes after the deadline. Gyaaaaaaaaaaaagh.

This queer femme needs to not put her entrepreneur on the backburner and actually be prepared way ahead of time. (In my defense, didn't know about the grant until right before my schedule got crammed.)

Excuse me while I just go into my detox, sea and epson salt bath with my green smoothie whilst I meditate into oblivion.

#self-care