This past week has been really bad on my mental health. Why you may ask? Honestly there’s no reason at all. I was having a great day and then I started to get anxiety and went for a drive. While I was on my drive I burst into tears out of nowhere and had to pull over because I couldn’t see through the tears in my eyes.
I asked two people if they wanted to go on a drive with me. One was the guy I’ve been talking to for about a month now and he couldn’t. And the other was my best friend but by the time he answered I was 40 minutes away and didn’t want to make him drive out and see me.
The whole drive I was overthinking and having so many anxiety attacks I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was overthinking about the guy I like. And how I don’t really have that many friends and how none of my siblings call me when they need to talk to someone and how I’m always the one people forget. I was thinking about how majority of my family forgot all about my 20th birthday. I was dwelling in my hurt and misery. I was in such a bad place I didn’t think I could last another day.
But guess what. That was over a week ago. And although I feel the same as I did that night and I’m still hurting. I’m still here. I’m still pushing through and still planning for the next day. And counting down the days for certain events. I guess the point of this is to say I’m still here. I’m still pushing.
I haven’t been generally happy in quite some time. I ended my relationship of 4 years early this month. And it was so nice to learn about my self and be happy because of what I’m doing and not depending on someone else anymore. I’m not being emotionally abused and insulted like I was. I’ve gained a new friend who I now consider my best friend that I didn’t have. And I’m closer with my family and loving life at the moment. I can’t remember the last time I woke up excited for the day and not wanting to hide under my covers. I’m happy.
Warnings: a bit of smut I guess but not really more than heated kisses, mention of anxiety and a bit of sadness too
Requested: based on the prompt “can I kiss you right now?”. Request are always open and they don’t have to be prompt based, feel free to request anything you want!
A/N: hi! I don’t know how to feel about this one. I’ve spent the whole day writing it and I still feel it could be better but I don’t hate it ig. I like that it has like flashbacks idk. I got kinda caught up in my own feelings so this may be too fluffy or cheesy. Feedback is really appreciated! I’d really love to know what you think about it. Enjoy!
Masterlist
You didn’t really like parties that much, but it was Luke’s birthday party, so you figured it would be rude not to go. You and Luke had been best friends since he moved to LA and somehow you had never been able to spend his birthday with him until this year, so you were excited.
You finished getting ready and headed to Luke’s house. It was a 10 minutes walk so before you could even realize it, you were already there. You would have lied if you had said you weren’t a bit nervous too. You knew it was gonna be crowded and you were afraid your anxiety would strike when you needed it the less.
Besides, it was gonna be the first time you saw Calum since quarantine started. You wouldn’t care if it wasn’t because the last time you saw him you told him how you felt. You had known Calum for a couple of years now. In the beginning, you saw him just like one of Luke’s bandmates but as time went by, you started falling in love with him. You tried to deny it even to yourself because you were convinced you had no chance with him but it didn’t make your feelings go away.
You had told Luke you liked Calum a couple of months ago. “I know” was his answer after you explained to him how you had silently fallen for his best friend. You weren’t even surprised, no one knew you better than Luke. What you didn’t expect was him telling you that you should go for it.
You were two years younger than Luke and from the moment you got close, he had acted like a big brother. He was always trying to protect you and rarely approved any of the boys you had been with. So it was quite a surprise when he told you he thought Calum may be the one for you.
“Oh, c’mon Luke. You’re giving me false hopes here... you know Calum would never go out with someone like me”
“What are you talking about, y/n? You’re the most awesome girl I know, and also the funniest, you know Calum loves that”
“I’m also younger than him, I’m sure he sees me just like you, like a little sister to protect. I’m not doing it, Luke, I don’t wanna lose him. I’ve gotten used to loving him in silence, it’s fine”
“Why have you told me then? You were hoping I’d say this. I think you are meant for each other, and you may be younger but you are way more mature than any of us. Don’t forget I know him too if I’m telling you that you should try it is because I really think it’s going to work”
You didn’t even know how but he had convinced you to invite Calum over that same day and as soon as he got to your house, Luke left the two of you alone. You could see the confused look Calum gave him as he said goodbye. “Good luck” he shouted as he closed the door making you blush.
“So... what are we doing here? I thought the rest of the guys were coming too”
“No, it’s just you and me tonight” you answered awkwardly. “Do you want anything to drink?”
“A beer will be fine”
You brought him a beer and served yourself a tequila, hoping the alcohol would give you the courage you lacked. You talked about your day and when you realized the conversation was dying out you decided it was time to tell him.
“So you’re probably still wondering what you’re doing here” he nodded in response “yeah, me too. Luke convinced me to do this and now I guess there’s no going back”. You shifted on your sit of the couch not knowing how to word your feelings. He was staring at you, waiting for you to continue.
“Okay, you know we’ve known each other for a couple of years now, right? well, of course, you know. We’ve spent quite a lot of time together, I’d say we’ve become good friends and I enjoy so much spending time with you because you always make me laugh and you are always there to listen and give advice when someone needs you. So I don’t know what I want to happen after I say this and I don’t know how to say this”
“Just say it y/n, it will be fine” he encouraged you. You took a deep breath and raised your head to look at him.
“I really like you Calum” he laughed and you gave him a confused look. “What?” you questioned.
“I like you too, y/n, you’re one of my best friends” you sighed and shook your head.
“No, that’s not what I mean Cal. I have feelings for you, I think I love you” you looked down and waited for him to say something. When he didn’t, you could feel the tears building up in your eyes. You felt Calum standing up from the couch. “Where are you going?” you managed to ask.
“I’m sorry, y/n. I can’t do this right now” you felt your heart break in a thousand pieces as you heard the door close and you called Luke.
“I don’t know what to say, y/n. I’m so sorry, I swear I thought he would react differently, I don’t know what’s up with him” Luke explained himself as he cuddled up with you. He stayed at your house that night and that was the last time you had seen any of them since quarantine had started just a few days later.
Of course, you had kept in touch with Luke, calling each other or facetiming almost every day, but you hadn’t heard of Calum since then. When Luke told you he’d be at the party your first reaction was to get mad at him for inviting you both but five minutes later you realized you were both his friends and there was no reason why Luke shouldn’t have invited him, you know? not liking you back wasn’t a crime after all.
Luke opened the door and all of your fears went away, you had missed him so much these last months that the only thing you could think about now was being with him. You went in, said “hello” to everyone who had already arrived and sat next to Luke.
“I’ve brought you something”, you said receiving a disapproving look from him. “Before you say it, I know you didn’t want any presents but I have never been with you on your birthday so please make an exception, besides, it’s not like I’ve spent a lot of money on it or whatever”.
You handed Luke his present and you could see the sparkle on his eyes while he opened it, you knew that deep inside he loved receiving gifts, he just hated people spending money on him. It was a book filled with polaroids of your favorite memories with him and you had written exactly how you had felt in those moments. You knew Luke would appreciate way more something handmade, personalized, and something you had spent your time in rather than something you had just bought.
“Oh wow, this is beautiful, y/n, I love you so much, thank you for taking the time to make this!” he told you while he hugged you and you couldn’t help but giggle at his excitement.
The night went by, as usual, nothing really out of the ordinary. Calum had arrived only a few minutes after you but you both had avoided each other the whole night. It hadn’t been hard since he spent most of the time in the kitchen playing games while you stayed in the living room talking to your friends.
A couple hours after midnight people started to leave and when everyone had gone, you, the band, and their girlfriends offered to help Luke clean all the mess. You were washing the dishes and glasses when you heard the door of the kitchen close. You turned around and saw Calum standing almost too close to you for your liking.
“Hello”, you said trying to be polite and hide the fact that you still felt embarrassed for opening up about your feelings. “Have you had a great night?” you asked him turning to continue your task and to try to hide your blush.
“It’s been great, yeah”, at the sound of his voice you felt a slight shiver running down your body, it felt like a lifetime since the last time you had heard it. Suddenly you felt his hands on your hips and his breath on your neck. You could feel the tension building up between you two but you didn’t know how to react so you kept washing.
At the lack of response from you, he moved to your side and started helping you. You sighed relieved at the same time as frustrated for the loss of contact. You kept going in silence until you had finished.
“It’s pretty late, I’m gonna head home”, you told him. You went to open the door but he grabbed your wrist making you turn and pulling you close to him.
“As you said, it’s late, let me give you a ride” he offered and you nodded. Luke opened the door and Calum let go of you.
“Am I interrupting something?” he asked confused.
“Ha, ha, very funny. No, I was just offering y/n a ride home”
“Are you okay with that. y/n? If you wait for a second, I can drive you”
“No, that’s fine Luke. I’ll go with Calum” you answered. You were feeling the tension between you and Calum still growing and although you knew you may end up heartbroken once again, you were curious where it could lead to. You said your goodbyes and got in Calum’s car.
Calum put on some music and you closed your eyes trying to relax but all the tension came back to your body as Calum placed his hand on your thigh. You left a soft gasp and grabbed his hand as an instinct, but you didn’t pull it away. Calum started to draw small circles with his thumb and continued to move his hand slowly closer to your inner thigh. His touch felt so warm and familiar, it was comforting. You arrived home and Calum got out of the car almost instantly. It was fair to say you were more than confused by his behavior.
You got out of the car and were surprised by Calum quickly closing the door and pushing you against it.
“I know I’m an asshole but please, I am begging you, can I kiss you right now?” you nodded frantically and it took him less than a second to press his lips against yours. You opened your lips slightly desperate to finally taste him and he slipped his tongue inside your mouth. He pushed your legs apart with his and you left a soft moan. After a few seconds, he pulled away and you could tell his eyes were filled with lust.
“What was that? I mean, you know how I feel about you so I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it, but why did you do it?”
“I am a mess for you, y/n. You are all I can think about. I’ve spent my days in quarantine looking at our photos together and remembering every moment I’ve spent with you. You don’t know how many times I’ve been about to call you but I never summoned up the courage to do it. I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you, at this time you’ve proved to me you’re the kindest and bravest person on this Earth and every time you give me more motives to fall in love with you. Luke advised you to tell me because all the band has known how I feel for years. I’m so sorry if I hurt you in any way, trust me, it was the last thing I wanted”
“Why did you leave? I’ve spent these few months trying to get over you. I don’t get it, Cal. You left me thinking I had lost one of the people I care for the most not only as a potential partner but also as a friend”
“I know, Luke told me. I really am sorry. I am such a coward. My first reaction was to run away because that’s what I always do when I feel vulnerable. You know I haven’t had a stable relationship in years and you’re part of the reason why. I could only imagine my future with you and I didn’t think it was fair to start something with anybody else if I thought it wasn’t going to last. I swear I’m not lying when I say you’re the only person I’ve thought about for the longest time. But I never got any sign from you that could mean you felt the same so I got used to my love for you being platonic. Besides I know you don’t like being on the public eye that much and it has given you anxiety the few times paparazzi have followed you with Luke so I thought we were better out as friends and I never tried anything.
And then when you confessed your feelings I tried to tell you how I felt but I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. I started to think about being in a relationship and I got scared of commitment and everything it implies so I left. I don’t think I’ve ever regretted any decision as much as that one. I know I don’t deserve you to forgive me but, please, could you give me a second chance?”
“You know you could have fixed this before, right?”
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry for that too. I thought you probably hated me and I didn’t know what to say exactly. If I’m being honest, until tonight, my plan was to act as if nothing happened and just try to be your friend again but then I saw you tonight with this little red dress that drives me crazy if I’m allowed to say so” you nodded and smiled at him “Well, I saw you and I talked to Luke and somehow I decided I would try to tell you tonight and if it didn’t work I’d leave you alone because that’s the least you deserve. You’ve possibly noticed I didn’t exactly have a plan but suddenly I just felt like I needed to be in contact with you, touch you, kiss you, as if I needed to hold on to you and never let go. As I’ve said, I am a mess, I am feeling things more intense than I ever had before that I don’t fully understand yet and just being around you makes me so happy I don’t ever wanna lose you. I love you, y/n”. You wrapped your arms around his neck and gave him a short peck. You pressed your foreheads together, feeling each other’s breaths.
“I already told you, but I love you too, Calum, so much. You’re lucky I do because I don’t know if I’d give you a second chance otherwise” he sighed relieved.
“I have to warn you, you’re gonna have to be patient, I’m new to all of this” Calum said pointing at the two of you.
“What do you mean by “this”? A relationship?” you teased.
“I guess so, y/n, I’ve never done this before and it may be weird, old-fashioned or whatever but I feel like asking this would be a great start for our relationship. Y/n, do you wanna be my girlfriend?”
“Of course I do, you cheesy idiot!” you giggled and he kissed you again pressing you against the car for the second time. Your tongues danced perfectly synchronized as you played with the curls at the back of his head. You pulled them slightly and Calum let out a quiet moan, which was exactly what you were hoping for.
“Do you wanna come inside?” you asked as you bit your lip and shifted your position so that his back was pressed to the car now.
“As much as I’d love to say yes, I think we should take this slow. I don’t wanna rush it and screw things up” he said pulling a strand of hair off your face. You pouted making him giggle. “C’mon, let me at least take you out for a date first, what do you say about dinner tomorrow?”
“Fine, but I expect a great dessert after it” you winked at him and blushed right after. “Don’t mind me, I do stupid things when I’m horny”.
“It was cute”
“But it was supposed to be sexy” he laughed and you followed him. “I guess you’re gonna have to get used to your new girlfriend failing to be sexy”
“Trust me, you are sexy just by existing. So, do I pick you up tomorrow at 8?”
“That sounds perfect, Cal” he hugged you and you wrapped your arms around his torso “I’ve never said this before but your hugs have always made me feel safe, I’m so glad it’s not weird to say that out loud anymore”
“You are the cutest. But y/n, I really meant it when I said you are gonna have to be patient with me. I’m not used to being in a relationship or sharing my feelings but I promise I’ll try my best to make this work”
“It’s okay, we’ll work it out together, step by step. We need to earn each other’s trust first, it’s normal if you don’t feel like opening up just yet”
“You really are the kindest girl ever, how did I get this lucky?” you pulled away from his embrace.
“I’m gonna go to sleep, see you tomorrow Cal”
“See you tomorrow babe” you couldn’t help but blush at the pet name. You kissed him goodbye and got into your apartment happier than you had ever been.
“Congrats, mate!” Luke said once you had closed your door.
“What are you doing here, Luke? Were you watching us? That’s creepy man”
“Of course I was! Did you guys really think I was gonna leave the two of you alone after last time?”
“Fair enough”
“Although there was a point when I thought you were gonna get inside and that was awkward to watch but the point is that I’m glad you didn’t”
“Yeah, I told her it is better if we take things slow”
“I agree. By the way, don’t you dare hurt her again Calum or else I don’t know what I’ll do”
“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on hurting her, I swear. In fact, I really like her Luke, I think she has always been the one”
“I know, I can tell by the huge smile that doesn’t leave your face” Luke teased him.
“Oh, shut up!” they both laughed and decided it was time to wrap up the night and head home.
Although I hate how we ended things and I hate that we had to. You will always be my best friend, my person, my forever. You know things about me that no one else does. You’ve seen me in ways no one else has. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me and even though it ended I will forever be incredibly greatful and in love with you. I truly wish you the best in life. I love you
I feel numb. It’s as if I’m in the ocean and floating freely letting the waves put me through the motions.
No hopes, no plans, no desires. I have no effort to better myself or change who I am.
There’s no one to talk to. Sure I have my family but they don’t understand how someone who has such a good life and everything they could ever need could feel like this. I have my boyfriend of almost 4 years but he just tries to shower me with compliments and then forgets I mentioned it. I don’t have anyone from school or my job to talk to.
I’m alone. I’ve always been alone. I’m always going to be alone.
Well Hello! I really want to try out being penpals with someone or even snail mail. I’d love to do snail mail and send things to each other and just become friends. I’d prefer someone outside of the US but not opposed.
I doubt anyone will ever see this but basically this is a little info about me if anyone does see it. :)
Age: 18
Home: California, LA area
Height: 5′1
Dominant Hand: Lefty
Relationship Status: Taken (3 years and counting)
Languages spoken: English, and ASL (American sign language)
Employed?: 2 jobs (a karate studio and an amusement park)
School: 1st year of college (psychology major)
Favorite Color: Yellow
Sign: Virgo (september 8)
Favorite movie(s): Depends on my mood but usually between Silence of the Lambs, Tangled, or 50 first dates (I know, completely different genres)
Favorite Tv: Personally don’t have a favorite, I’ll watch anything and give it a try though
Favorite film genre(s): I love a good horror movie, but I also love really bad independent films (I find them hilarious), and also crime documentaries or shows
Favorite place(s) to go to: Disneyland (if that wasn’t obvious) or the Beach
Favorite pass time: Anything with art (mainly painting)
Favorite store(s): BoxLunch, Express, and Target
Favorite social media: Twitter (just started getting into tumblr)
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