This blog features a collection of information on topics related to various types of mental health disorders/illnesses that can used regardless of your diagnosis, as many of the topics are universal. You can read a little bit more about the blog here.
To see if a certain topic you're interested in has been covered, use the search function or check out the Topics List below.
Asks are closed for now.
Just a few rules and guidelines for this blog:
1. Disrespect and personal attacks will not be tolerated on any of my posts. I will block you.
2. I understand that when it comes to therapy, there are a lot of uncomfortable truths that may cause cognitive dissonance in you. Please keep an open mind when you read everything. You have to learn to be okay with hearing things you may not like or agree with, and I know that's an uncomfortable truth too.
3. Feel free to send suggestions for topics you'd like to be covered. I have a long list of things I want to share, so if there's perhaps something more prominent you'd like to see, I can bump it up on the list. You may use the Ask box to send suggestions. Anonymous asks are open.
4. I want to keep the blog as generic as possible. There are a lot of skills that can be used across a broad spectrum of disorders and my goal is to help anyone, regardless of where you may fall.
5. You are worthy, you are enough, even if you don't feel like it most days. Recovery is possible, even when you have a hard time believing that there are actually people out there that have overcome their mental illnesses. The whole point is to learn something new that will better your life--to get rid of the unhelpful thinking and coping skills and replace them with helpful ones.
Just a question, What do you mean I have to get comfortable with hearing stuff that I don’t like and I wanna know the difference between that and just traumatizing myself.
When we've been traumatized, we've retreated into our own little comfort zone as a means of survival and protection. It helps for a period of time, but eventually we remain stagnant and stuck because we refuse to leave it. At some point we can become depressed or even apathetic because nothing exciting or new is happening in our lives, or we just want things to get better or be different because the comfort zone gets boring after a while. When it comes to growth, change, and healing in general, we're going to have to face the things we don't like. Often times these are the irrational and rational fears that we've accumulated as a result of staying in our comfort zone.
To leave the comfort zone means we have to face our fears, no matter how big or small they may seem to us or other people. There are healthy ways to approach these fears so that we don't end up relapsing back into the comfort zone (which I guess would be another way to say 'traumatizing oneself'). The idea is to learn new ways to approach our fears and dismantle them with logical and rational reasoning, so that they don't seem as scary as they once were. It's going to be uncomfortable, but it's something that we'll all need to get comfortable with if we want to heal and make progress. It's scary, trust me I know, but it's necessary.
I hope that gives some clarity. If not, feel free to send another Ask :) ❤
Just wanted to let you all know that I'll be taking a hiatus from this blog. I'll check back periodically for Asks, but if you're looking for any specific topics, check out the topics page on the pinned post.
Not sure when I'll resume with the blog, but I appreciate everyone's support over the past 3 years or so 🧡
30 ways to set boundaries: a guide for people pleasers
Posted on November 20, 2018
An important note for my fellow recovering people-pleasers: all of the following things are 100% ok. Seriously. They may make you uncomfortable at first because you’re used to letting people ignore your needs, but OMG, I promise you’re allowed to set boundaries. Not only that, but they’ll seriously improve your life.
Keep in mind that you don’t need to use all of these techniques. Instead, cherry-pick the ones that resonate with you. Personally, I tend to start with the more subtle approaches, and only turn the dial up when needed. Here are 30 ways to set better boundaries in your life:
1)Prioritize the stuff that keeps you happy, healthy, and sane. Seriously. This is more important than helping your buddy move, talking to your Mom about her tuna salad, or returning your clients email within 26 seconds.
2) Say no to the stuff that doesn’t interest you and explain why you’re saying no.
3) Or say no and don’t bother offering an explanation. The truth is, you don’t need to explain yourself if you don’t want to. This is one of my favorite moves.
4) Or say no but respectfully affirm the other person’s desire. I do this all the time, especially during negotiations. A prospective client recently asked for a payment plan that I don’t offer. I said, “I understand the desire to breakup the payments, but unfortunately that’s not an option. I understand if this is a deal breaker for you.”
5) Say no by explaining that you need a bit of time to focus on your physical or mental health. The cool part here is that if you’re ducking out something to avoid a person or situation you dislike, saying no is a form of prioritizing your health.
6) If you’re struggling to say no in the moment say, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” Then spend a day or two figuring out how you want to let the other person down, and say, “no.” If the person is particularly aggressive or unreasonable, just send a text.
7) Send the call to voicemail.
8) Wait for a few hours (or days) before returning a call / text / email. This is especially useful for imbalanced relationships where one person wants to be much closer than the other.
9) When dealing with difficult people, inform them of the decision you’ve made instead of asking for permission or input. In other words, say, “Though I’ll really miss you and the rest of the family during the holidays, I’m going to stay in California this year” instead of, “Would it be ok with you and the family if I stayed in California for the holidays?”
10) Take a mental health day where you ignore everything you want to ignore (including work) and focus on charming yourself. Personally, I like to binge watch Impractical Jokers, go for a walk without my phone, get takeout for dinner, and then turn my electronics off and read.
11) There are a lot of people and activities that are great for an hour but unbearable for a day. Spend time with these people and things for only as long as you enjoy them.
12) For people who are particularly difficult and also unavoidable, only agree to hang out with them in the settings where you can tolerate them. This can be a large group, a small group, one-on-one, in places where it’s hard to interact (like a movie), only when they’re sober, whatever.
13) If someone is really bothering you, block their email address, phone number, and social media. If that feels too extreme, change the settings on your social media accounts so that you stop receiving updates about them without unfriending them. On the other hand, if they’re really bothering you or making you feel threatened, consider getting a restraining order.
14) One of my favorite tricks: when someone does something that you really like, point it out or give them a compliment. For some people, reinforcing positive behavior is deceptively effective.
15) This is an important one: when someone hurts you, regardless of their intent, let them know. Say, “Hey, I doubt this was your intent, but when you did x, y, and z, it hurt.”
16) Likewise, if something is making you uncomfortable, let the other person know. You can do this by saying, “Hey I know this kinda awkward, and I doubt it’s your intent, but when you do X it really makes me uncomfortable.”
17) Just change the damn topic.
18) Or, a bit more subtly: refuse to engage with topics you don’t like. Often when people have opinions I disagree with or don’t want to discuss, I’ll listen to what they say, but refuse to respond. I’ll transition into a different conversation by saying, “That’s interesting. On a different note…”
19) If that fails, say, “For my own sanity I need to stop talking about this. Tell me about…” and then bring up any other topic or question that is likely to cause less tension. Yes, it may be awkward for a minute or two as you find the groove again, but that’s way better than endlessly suffering in silence. And if the person refuses to change the topic, it’s cool to just get up leave. Seriously.
20) Respect other people’s boundaries. More than that, thank them for setting the boundary in the first place. You can do this by saying, “Thanks for letting me know,” when they tell you how they prefer to be treated. Respecting and reinforcing other people’s boundaries is likely to make it easier for you to respect and reinforce your own.
21) If something has been on your mind for a long time consider talking about it. I know that leaning into these conversations can be hard. It’s also tends to be worth it. Disclaimer: when you do choose to have a hard conversation, think about your motives. If you’re doing it just to hurt the other person or to play some sort of power game with them, don’t waste your time. More on hard conversations here.
22) If you struggle to enforce boundaries for yourself (and lord knows I did… and sometimes still do) ask for help. If there’s a particularly difficult boundary that you need to enforce, ask a friend to be there with you during or right after the conversation. You can also ask friends to help hold you accountable.
23) An advanced move: discuss boundaries and expectations ahead of time. This tends to make more sense in some situations than others, specifically: forming new business partnerships, dealing with roommates, starting a project with a new client/boss/contractor, beginning a new phase of life, or the initial stages of love, sex, and romance.
24) Simply refuse to share parts of your life with people who you don’t want to be close to. There are whole chapters of my life story that many of the people in my circle will never find out about. The simple truth is that I just don’t want to share certain parts of myself with them.
25) Don’t respond to work emails or texts on the weekend unless you really want to.
26) Only take unscheduled calls when you’re easily available and excited to talk to the other person. While I somewhat enforce this with my friends and family, I super enforce it with my professional relationships.
27)You know those stupid, “Hey we should totally connect! When are you free for coffee?” or “I’d love to pick your brain – what’s your phone number?” type meeting requests from complete strangers? Unless you’re excited to meet the other person, just ignore them. I mean, seriously, has anything good ever come from one of those? A related approach to these issues is to charge for your time.
28) Memorize and use the phrase, “I’d rather not answer that.”
29) While you’re at it, memorize the phrase, “I’m not ready to talk about that yet,” too.
30) After you’ve set a boundary that was hard for you, give yourself a treat. Though it can be something tangible, like a chocolate cake, it doesn’t have to be. I’ll usually go for a walk around the block without my phone to process the conversation and let the good feelings sink in
What to do when people can’t take a hint…
You’ll notice that most of these techniques are subtle. As long as you’re consistent, you can easily set boundaries for 95% of the people in your life like this. They’ll be able to read the social cues and adjust accordingly.
But then, there’s always that damn 5% who just can’t get with the program. In these instances, I suggest clearly spelling out the boundary and the repercussions of violating it. If they still steam roll you, just let them go.
When I lived in DC there was a guy who used to make inappropriate comments about my girlfriend. No matter how clearly I tried to communicate, he wouldn’t stop.
Then, one day I woke up to a text from him discussing her appearance. I picked up the phone, called him, and said, “I’m fucking sick of hearing your comments about N*. I don’t give a shit about what your intention is. If I hear one more remark from you her, I’m going to stop talking to you entirely and explain to everyone in our circle why I did that. The funny part is that your reputation is so fucked up, I doubt I’ll even have to show people the text you just sent me for them to believe what happened. Do you understand me?” He tried to explain that he didn’t mean anything by it. I kept interrupting him and saying, “No. I asked you a simple question. Do you understand me?” When he finally said “Yes” I said “Good” and hung up.
The next time I saw him, he offered a sincere apology. And while I don’t see him much anymore he’s been nothing but respectful to me ever since.
Boundaries or setting limits are an important component for your safety; think of the benefits of setting boundaries for children- when you tell your child to wait and look before crossing the street, this is an example of a boundary. In general, a boundary informs you as to what is acceptable and what is not. Expectations are often implied in boundaries, particularly emotional boundaries. As you have different expectations than, for example -- your spouse, clarifying expectations are an important part of any relationship.
Prerequisites for Boundary and Expectation Exercises
In order to clarify and resolve issues regarding boundaries and expectations, you must first recognize that a problem exists, be willing to address the problem, be responsible for your part in the problem, be willing to acknowledge any consequences of your actions, and hold the perspective that it is worth your while to do so, according to Recharge Relationships.
Active Listening
Listening and hearing what someone is genuinely expressing are two different things. A basic starting point for expressing your boundaries and expectations successfully is active listening. Find a comfortable location for both parties. Agree on who will speak first. Allow that person to speak and then repeat back what you think has been said. Ask the speaker if that is correct. If the speaker says no, repeat this step. If yes, switch and have the speaker become the listener.
Questions for Understanding Another's Boundaries and Expectations
Recharge Relationships suggests several questions you can use as an exercise for understanding someone that you are in A relationship with. Practice asking each question and then answering each question; I expect you to..., I do not agree with your expectations because.... After the above exercise, describe how you would like your needs to be met to the other person.
Cultures and Boundaries
Different cultures have different perspectives on boundaries. Some cultures regard eye contact while speaking or speaking directly as normative while others view it as disrespectful. When you are communicating with another you must factor any cultural differences into the interaction. This can be done by asking how the other person regards what has occurred between you, explaining your perspective, and negotiating what might be amicable for both of you.
Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. That’s because “in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout” (Nelson, 2016).
Some teachers say that setting boundaries helps them avoid burnout and stay in the profession longer (Bernstein-Yamashiro & Noam, 2013). This is important because it indicates that healthy boundaries at work help someone find more fulfillment and less stress in their professional life—leaving room for a better personal life.
More generally, the consequences of not setting healthy boundaries often include “stress, financial burdens, wasted time, and relationship issues, which can cause mental distress” (Prism Health North Texas, n.d.). In other words, a lack of healthy boundaries can negatively affect all aspects of someone’s life.
Setting healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people make decisions based on what is best them, not just the people around them. This autonomy is an important part of self-care.
In the context of recovering from substance abuse, self-care can include “meaningful connection with recovery support and children, taking care of physical health, maintaining spirituality, healthy eating, exercise, journaling, continuing education, staying busy, sponsorship, establishing boundaries, self-monitoring, abstinence, and dealing with destructive emotions” (Raynor et al., 2017).
Self-care like this “may serve to support the general health and wellbeing of individuals” (Raynor et al., 2017).
Self-care, which can include setting boundaries, is an important part of leading a mentally healthy life. But unlike more intuitive aspects of self-care like healthy eating and exercise, setting healthy boundaries isn’t something most people understand. For more people to experience greater well-being and fulfillment, they must learn about healthy boundaries.
10 Examples Of Healthy Boundaries
The types of boundaries one might set depends on the setting. That is, one person’s healthy boundaries with a romantic partner will be very different from that same person’s healthy boundaries with a boss or coworker.
To start out, we’ll look at professional boundaries.
In a teacher-student relationship, a teacher might set healthy boundaries by choosing to keep their personal lives separate from their professional lives by not telling their students too much about their private lives (Bernstein-Yamashiro & Noam, 2013).
Teachers can also begin each school year by telling students what they are and are not comfortable with. For example, teachers can tell their students they do not want to hear their students talking about illicit activities in the classroom.
Another way teachers can set boundaries is by telling themselves that they will not hold themselves responsible for every aspect of their students’ lives. That way, they won’t be too hard on themselves when a student suffers from something out of the teacher’s control.
Teachers are not the only professionals who can benefit from healthy boundaries. Mental health professionals also need to practice self-care and set healthy boundaries with their clients—they are not immune to stress and mental health disorders and might be even more vulnerable to those issues than the general population (Barnett et al., 2007).
One way that therapists can set clinical boundaries is by not connecting with their clients on social media (and being clear about this rule) so that they do not mix their professional responsibilities with their personal lives.
Of course, professionals are not the only ones who need to practice self-care by setting healthy boundaries. People can also set boundaries with their friends—even well-meaning ones.
For example, a woman in the middle of packing up her house for a move might not let a friend who dropped in unannounced stay too long—that way she can get done what she needs to get done (Katherine, 2000). Similarly, that woman might politely decline the same friend’s request to help her pack if she thinks packing should be a personal process (Katherine, 2000).
Healthy boundaries can help manage demands on people’s time, not just malicious or thoughtless demands on one’s time or emotions.
Another setting in which healthy boundaries are crucial is in a romantic partnership.
One example would be a person asking their partner for one night each week alone, as opposed to seeing each other daily. Another example would be a new mother asking her partner to take on more responsibility with their baby (such as giving baths, going to the park with the baby, and so on) so that she can have more time to herself (Barkin & Wisner, 2013).
Rather than fostering resentment, one can instead try to set and communicate their boundaries.
Finally, boundaries can be important in parent-child relationships. For example, parents might ask their child never to enter their bedroom without knocking first, in order to maintain some privacy. Children might ask their parents to never read their diaries or journals so that they can maintain some privacy of their own.
Parents can choose whether to respect a child’s proposed boundaries (they might reject some boundaries for safety reasons, for example), but it is important to be clear about the boundaries they do intend to respect in order to build trust with their children.
A guide to setting limits with parents, partners, friends, and co-workers
By Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT | Published on January 24, 2022
Boundaries protect a person's personal or mental space, much like fences between neighbors. They involve the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behavior between people, and help define where one person ends and the other begins. People typically learn boundaries during childhood within their families.
Research indicates that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person is able to develop into a distinct individual with their own unique interests and skills. This helps foster well-being, self-control, and self-esteem.
Read on to learn more about healthy boundaries and how to set them.
What Are Boundaries?
One theory suggests that families have three types of boundaries. Families with clear boundaries tend to function better. They may shift between the three main types:
Clear boundaries: Clear boundaries are clearly stated, flexible, and adaptable. There is warmth, support, and stability within the family, but each person is able to be assertive, communicate their needs, and develop individual interests.
Rigid boundaries: Rigid boundaries are closed and inflexible, much like a wall that doesn't let anything in or out. There is less engagement and more isolation both within the family and in the outside world. It may be more challenging for family members to communicate needs and express individuality.
Open boundaries: Open boundaries are not as clear, and might even be fuzzy or loose. It may be hard for individual family members to have their needs met. Families with open boundaries may be enmeshed and exhibit more codependency traits.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
Boundaries can be both healthy and unhealthy. Certain signs can help you distinguish what is a healthy boundary and what is an unhealthy boundary.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries allow each person in a relationship or family to communicate their wants and needs, while also respecting the wants and needs of others.
A few examples of a person exhibiting healthy boundaries include:
Being able to say, "no," and accept when someone else says, "no"
Being able to clearly communicate both wants and needs
Honoring and respecting their own needs and the needs of others
Respecting others' values, beliefs, and opinions, even if they are different from one's own
Feeling free to disclose and share information where appropriate
Though they can be flexible, they do not compromise themselves in an unhealthy way
Unhealthy Boundaries
Where there are unhealthy boundaries, safety in the relationship is compromised. This may lead to dysfunctional relationships, where people's needs are not met.
A few examples of a person exhibiting unhealthy boundaries include:
Having a difficult time saying, "no"
Having trouble accepting "no" from others
Not clearly communicating one's needs and wants
Easily compromising personal values, beliefs, and opinions to satisfy others
Being coercive or manipulative to get others to do something they don't want to do
Oversharing personal information
Unhealthy boundaries can quickly turn into abuse. Abuse—whether physical, sexual, or emotional—is a violation of boundaries.
People who have been abused as children may not know healthy boundaries. They often grow up with a lack of control over their personal, physical boundaries. The pattern may repeat with abusive partners because it's familiar and comfortable.
When Unhealthy Boundaries Become Abusive
If you are currently in a relationship where your partner is:
- Violating your physical safety
- Exerting excessive control of your life
- Constantly scaring you
- Being hyper-controlling and preventing you from doing reasonable things you'd like to do
- Forcing you to do things you don't want to
This behavior is not healthy and may cross the line into abuse.
Types of Boundaries
There are many different types of boundaries, including:
Physical: Includes your body and personal space. Healthy boundaries include autonomy of your body. An example of physical boundary crossing is teaching children to automatically hug relatives at family gatherings. This may cause them to have weaker physical boundaries. Offering a handshake or just a "hello" are polite alternatives.
Sexual: Includes your sexual self and your intimate personal space. Sexual boundaries include choices around types of sexual activity, timing, and partners. These boundaries are crossed when someone pressures you into unwanted intimate affection, touch, or sexual activity.
Intellectual/mental: Includes your personal ideas, beliefs, and thoughts. A healthy boundary respects that others' ideas may be different. These boundaries are crossed when someone is dismissive, belittling, or invalidating your ideas or thoughts.
Emotional: Includes your feelings and personal details. These boundaries are crossed when feelings or personal information you have disclosed is belittled, minimized, or shared without your permission.
Material/financial: Includes your financial resources and belongings. These boundaries are crossed when you're pressured to lend or give things away, or to spend or loan money when you would prefer not to.
Time: Includes how you spend and use your time. When you have a job, relationships, and children or other responsibilities, it's challenging to keep healthy time boundaries. These boundaries are crossed when you have unreasonable demands or requests of your time, or when you take on too much.
How to Set Boundaries
Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in a person's life. Where you place your stop signs and what you consider crossing the line varies based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions.
When setting boundaries, a few things to consider include:
Goal-setting: Ask yourself, what is the goal in setting a boundary or needing to set a boundary?
Start small: Setting boundaries may be uncomfortable. The key is to start small and focus on one thing at a time.
Be clear: Focus on what you want as clearly as possible.
Practice: If thinking about setting a boundary makes you nervous, write out what you want to say beforehand or practice in the mirror.
Keep it simple: This is a time when less is more. Rather than overloading someone with too many details, pick the main thing that is bothering you and focus on that.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Setting limits can provide balance in a person's life. Some of the benefits of setting boundaries include:
Avoid burnout: Doing too much for too many is an easy way to burn out. Setting boundaries can prevent burnout.
Less resentment: Giving and helping others is a strength, but when it turns into doing too much for others, you may begin to feel resentful. Setting boundaries around what you are able to do can reduce or eliminate resentment.
More balance: Sometimes the boundaries we need to set are with ourselves. For example, while it can feel like a nice escape to binge-watch a favorite show, staying up too late on work nights can lead to exhaustion. Setting a boundary with yourself to go to bed earlier may provide more balance.
Setting Relationship Boundaries
Setting boundaries in relationships isn't about keeping others out; it's about providing an environment where there's a balance among the needs and wants of all involved. Setting boundaries with partners, parents, friends, and co-workers all present their own unique challenges.
Setting Boundaries With Partners
Setting boundaries with your partner ensures a healthy relationship that supports you both. It can also prevent a toxic relationship from developing.
Here are some tips for setting boundaries in an intimate partnership:
Resist reactivity: Set the tone for the talk by being calm. If you're angry, upset, and aggravated, it may trigger your partner to become reactive. Pick a time when you're both relaxed and receptive to the conversation.
Avoid saying "You": It can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive if you start every sentence with, "You did" or, "You do." Think about your choice of words and use a calm, even tone.
Put down the phone: Be fully present with your partner. It may be best to put your phones on silent and flip them over for a few minutes. Incoming messages and notifications can be tempting to check. Give your partner your full attention and they will be more likely to do the same.
Setting Boundaries With Parents
Studies show that addressing problems with parents can be stressful. Some suggestions on setting boundaries with parents include:
Be respectful: You have the power to set the tone for the conversation by being respectful. Think of it as an opportunity to come to them as a confident adult.
Have the discussion to begin with: One study indicated that when adult children took a passive approach of avoiding or accepting a problem with parents, it increased their depression. Instead, sitting down and having a calm, rational discussion helps.
Stay cool and calm: Your parents may react or get upset during the conversation. While you can't control the choices they make, you can control your own response. If you stay cool and calm, they may too.
Keep it simple: Pick a small number of things to address, such as the one that is most bothering you and focus on that.
Setting Boundaries With Friends
Some ways to set boundaries in friendships include:
Set the tone: Stay calm and be kind when communicating. This sets the standard for the conversation and will hopefully lead to positive outcomes.
Avoid "ghosting": While it can be hard to deal with something directly, avoiding a friend (ghosting them) prevents them from knowing the issue. Avoiding the issue altogether means they can't grow from the experience, and it doesn't allow you the opportunity to practice healthy boundaries.
Avoid gossiping: While it can be tempting to discuss your friendship frustration with mutual friends, this can get back to your friend and potentially hurt them.
Setting Boundaries at Work
When it comes to setting limits with colleagues, managers, or supervisors, here are a few tips:
Set a boundaries for yourself: With telecommuting, teleworking, and the use of smartphones, the boundary between work and home has become increasingly blurred. Set a distinguishable stop time, close your computer, and take a break.
Chain of command: Be mindful of the chain of command at work. If you are having a problem with a colleague or manager and you can't speak to them directly, look for your organization's chain of command, usually through human resources (HR).
Avoid gossiping: It can be tempting to discuss the problem with other colleagues, but this can backfire. It's better to address the issue directly but calmly with the other person. If possible and appropriate, involve a manager or supervisor.
Boundary Exercises
When you set boundaries, you're communicating to others how you want and expect to be treated.
Here are a few exercises that can help when you feel tongue-tied:
Use "I" statements:7
I feel ______ when _____ is said to me.
When this happens______, I feel_____.
When you feel disrespected:
I don't like the way I'm being spoken to right now.
I would like to talk about this, but now is not the right time.
I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.
Buy yourself some time:
I'm not sure right now. Can I come to you once I've thought about it?
I need more time to think, but I will get back to you.
When you want to say "no" with a little more explanation:
I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.
I would if I could, but I'm unable to help with that right now.
I really appreciate the invitation, but I'm not interested in participating.
Seeking consent with sexual boundaries:
Are you okay with this?
Do you want to continue?
Are you comfortable if I____?
Summary
Boundaries are the limits of appropriate behavior between people. Personal boundaries define where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries affect intimate relationships, families, and colleagues in a work environment. Setting relationship boundaries can be challenging, but boundaries ensure the relationship is healthy for everyone.
