[freedheart]

Where the Heart is

Writing, as I’ve come to know it, intimidates me as much as it relieves me.

For the past few months I’ve been reading enthralling autobiographies that brought me from, “I think I can write a book,” to “how am I going to write a masterpiece like this?” (by this, I meant Maya Angelou’s I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, The Last Lecture of Randy Pausch, Anne Frank’s Diary, and Paul Kalanithi’s breathtaking When Breath Becomes Air). Most of these authors, were facing death, or tragedy, and somehow turned it into a book with an awing inspiration and worldwide wonder, while at the same time made me feel like my writing is a teeny tiny little pea.

In addition to that, I recently have crossed paths with well established people at a reasonably young age. They were only a few years ahead of me and again feeling small, I think to myself how am I gonna get there in 3 years? or even 2? I started to get all super self-conscious and the machine in my brain started to whir, where am I in this life? What am I good at? What’s “my” thing? Am I just good at several things but not extra special in just one? How am I going to prove the world that I’m not just okay, but exemplary?

I know everyone is running in their own tracks, including me, so I shouldn’t really compare. And I’m really happy with where my friends are, or in this case, with where the established people are. But I feel like my dream is the reason of why my journey is going to be the longer run to take, and I don’t necessarily know how to get there. I don’t even know whether I really have what it takes to be there. How do I get assured that I’m not just another average person living one day and passing away next?

I want to be in the-imaginary-there so bad, that I realise in almost everything I’ve created, there’s an underlying intention to impress. I want to prove so much to the world of what I’ve become, that I feel like I deserve a sprinkle of fame and a handful of appraisal from my circle of friends (or even, bigger circle!). I found somewhere hidden in my bashful heart, the love for the 15-seconds spotlight.

The thing is, my life’s aim really isn’t about the spotlight.

And I’m not saying it’s bad to love the spotlight (I mean hey, most people live for it and that’s definitely okay!). It’s just I found a better place where I can invest my heart into.

God reminded me that wherever my heart is, there will my treasure be also (Matthew 6:21). When we put our hearts in His kingdom, there will be no more fear in creation (1 Peter 4:18, 1 Cor 16:14), no fear of world’s judgement, or of our own. Every work is done as a refraction of His wonders in our lives. Artisans will be courageous for imperfections in their work. Mistakes will be learned, not shunned, and victories, successes altogether celebrated. Creativity--just as He had created everything--flows from the heart, as our craftsmanship should be. When our hearts are in His, then our work will authentically reflect His glory.

Then none of the overthinking thoughts would matter. Because I won’t have any more room to worry about me. And this is the epiphany. The most exemplary people you’ll meet won’t overthink whether they’re already well established or not. They’re not going to try to prove anything to anyone. They just do what they do. And they do it great.

I called my mom earlier today, talked about the project I was about to write and how I feel like a little pea about it, and she told me, “give both your strengths and weaknesses to Him, and let Him use you in your work.” After all, isn’t that what truly matters?

[freedheart]

22 Things I’ve Learned at 22

Mostly these are just notes to myself in the years of observing and trying to be an excellent student of life. I still have so many things to learn at 22, but I know I’m blessed to be surrounded with exemplary individuals whom I can always look up to. Sharing everything that had inspired me to you all bright minds out there xx

Life doesn’t never go as planned, and yet it is still a wonderful life.

Whenever you can, wear something nice when you go out. You’ll never know who you’re gonna meet when you walk out that door.

Stop buying stuff, thinking that it’s going to build your habit! Build the habit first, earn it, and then buy something that might help you to nourish your habit.

When in doubt; drink water. We belittle how important drinking water is in our lives.

Greet anyone you know no matter how awkward it is. Think of life as a never-ending weave of coincidences; you meet the person for a reason, even if it means only to say hi!

You’ll know which folks who actually wants to befriend you, and friends who wants what you can do.

I’m not yet married, but I’ve witnessed how lasting marriages were not (always) built from fairytale weddings.

Do something big more than just because you can do big things. Your purpose, should always be bigger than what you do.

If you're amazing enough, someone else is going to try to be you. To do what you do, to have what you have and to create what you've created. Nothing to worry; we’re not made to be the same.

In this life you’re going to find a lot of trees (Here, tree is a metaphor for people, life, situation, etc). There are trees that produce sweet (or sour, if thats your thing) and juicy fruits, well there are trees that make horrible ones. But from all of the trees you find, always eat the good ones. In everything, there are two sides of a coin. Always flip for the good side. Always learn the good things out of everything. Ignore anything that makes you otherwise.

Our responses determines what we get. Respond positively, and that’s what you will get. Respond negatively, and that’s also what you will get. Always differ negativity with being opinionated. :)

To love is to be present.

Getting out from the noise, or even getting a peace of mind, gets rarer and sometimes more costly each day.

Being kind to others, to the nature, and to our things, isn’t only about giving kindness outwardly. To be kind to others always correlates with how we treat and give ourselves self love.

Our successes are as temporary as our failures. Rejoice and celebrate your victories, and never let your mistakes to just pass from learning.

Be slow to speak because what's said cannot be unheard. Control the emotions, because it's so hard to understand the situation with feelings clouding up our minds.

To listen is one of the best tools in empathy. We don’t always understand what the other person’s going through, but listening wholeheartedly truly helps.

Not every situation can be seen as easy as black or white. As humans we tend to box and categorize everything to ease though process; but categorizing might limit objectivity and reasoning to understand a situation, or moreover another human being.

Loosen up a bit. Forgive yourself. Mistake happens and we make a fool of ourselves. The world doesn’t revolve around us, and this life isn’t only about us. Even if we've become someone so important on this planet, the earth still revolves around the sun. Not you.

Take your time but be consistent, and it'll become a habit. One hour out of 10,000 is not much, but do it a few hours everyday then it’ll be achievable, and you’ll be really good at what you’re doing. Always remember what happened to the turtle and the hare.

Be honest with God, be honest with yourself, and then be honest to others; there’s no gain in making a fool out of everyone else if we don’t make peace with who we are.

22. Even the person we love the most, the person that loves us the most, can hurt us in some way. To feel pain is inevitable—it’s an absolute, even if they didn’t mean to hurt us. But forgiving, and setting ourselves free from the agony of grudge, is always a choice. After all, we are our own worst tormentors.

[freedheart]

Opening 2018: Reflection

About a month ago I decided to sell my stuff and donate all of the proceeds to the cause of education. Inspired by my favourite Youtuber Anna Akana, I never knew how rewarding the journey could be.

It’s been awhile since I do something so fulfilling that I lost track of time.

I had fun taking pictures of my knick-knacks and crafting the nostalgic copywriting for my stuff. I definitely love writing thank you cards, in hopes that they’re The Rightful Owners to my old belonging. It was my first time sending packages through post office too! (What an experience). Some of items sold are actually sentimental, and I had made peace with them to let them go. I’m also really glad when I saw some people enjoying the things they bought instead of resting forever in my room.

Felt like I’m losing weight, even though I’m on my #RoadToX0Kgs lol. I mean, it feels like I’ve lifted quite a mental-chunk off my shoulders.

I think the best part is that I’m still fulfilled and happy even though I didn’t get a single cent out of this. It is weird, illogical I would say. But it just is. It was fun and heartwarming, and I enjoyed every process of it. If I could do it again, I would do this all the same. I don’t think I’ll mind doing this all the time.

But some of my stuff are not “for the market,” I think, since not everything was sold out. Either way, I’m glad I made it over 50% of the entire sales in the first two weeks.

Anyway, as promised, you can find the report and transfer datas here. Thank you for everyone that had supported for the fundraising! I hope it was as fulfilling for everyone as it was for me. :)

My stuff is still for sale and the proceeds STILL go to the cause for education. The donation transfer will be done monthly on the 15th until everything is sold out. Reports will be sent immediately to the buyers.

Much love,

Andrea

[freedheart]

The Bigger Picture

About almost last year I gave myself a strong-cold new years resolution. To no more insecurities, to be as care free as a bird out of her cage. To be grateful despite the circumstances and joyful throughout the rocks this life has thrown me. To be entirely myself. Little that I know, I’ve gained so much more than I thought I would.

This year I’ve been visited by unwanted guests from anxiety. There were unfriendly episodes of panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and paranoia. The worst part is they were hidden in the deepest darkest place no one knows. I feared the shame of people knowing that I’m not emotionally and mentally strong enough to fight these anxieties—so I was battling them on my own. Nor did I ever meet anyone who’d say “there’s no such thing as depression or psychological illness”, as I close myself from the embarrassment that I actually might have it. So during the day I’d show my cheerful smile and laughter, and in the night I’d sunk myself in the tears on my pillow, thinking, “tomorrow’s gonna be better.”

But it wasn’t any better.

The hard truths of the world kept crumbling on me and the pressure of the show for the world is on. There were expectations to always be happy, to always be positive, to always be strong against the world. So that’s what I did. And my oh my, did I tire my soul. I was sucked back to the reality where depression conquers the mind.

Surely there are greater things in life than my own; but how can God perform in a weak minded life? Often times I asked God “why? Why do you grant me these intense feelings towards everything?” …And yet He is performing. In the midst of emotionally clouded mind, He had shown me the bigger picture.

I noticed there are countless people who are going through the same battles I’m in, and I thought how miserable that must be. It means there are probably people around me who covered their day with laughter and cheer, in the fear that no one might understand what they’re going through alone. No being should ever go through depression. But people who are getting through it should know that everything seen and felt is temporary, just like our feelings. Unless we hold on so tight to them that we brought them to our deathbeds.

The struggles we experience today is the essence to help others tomorrow. Fighting for a breakthrough should not only be for our own—but for others as well. This gives me enough drive to push for the better instead of getting cozy in the abyss of my own sorrows. We are not our depression. We are not our sadness. We are so much more than we feel, we are so much more than the mountains we’re going through.

I’m raising up my glass for 2017. Cheers to the year where I had the courage to take a career I never thought of. To the year where inspiration, dreams and wishes are born. To the year where I experience His grace more and more abundant, more and more evident. To the year where every heart-wrenching disappointments deemed to be so small because of all the more extravagant life ahead He has prepared us.

God is good to us not because of what we had done, it’s because He is. His goodness is life’s bigger picture.

Much love,

Andrea

[freedheart]

Closing 2017: Help Me Help Others!

Two days ago I woke up with a notification from YouTube for my subscription to Anna Akana.

‘the life changing magic of tidying up’, the title says.

She talked about how the fear of “I might need this item later” gives her the tendency to hoard items, especially if they might be useful later for her acting props. But then she reads The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo and gave us an essence of what it says; to find the spark of joy in the current items we have now—and give away the item no longer does.

Next few minutes afterwards, I realised how much I’ve been hoarding stuff.

Especially towards the notebooks I never fill and the books I never read. And all the small knick-knacks that does nothing except filling up my room.

So to close up this year and opening to the new one, I’ve decided to have spring cleaning towards most of my preloved items. You can check carousell.com/prelovedby.t for all the items in store!

And if you’re really nosey to find out what kind of person I am, well… you can always go through my stuff. I’m a bit nerdy by the way, so you’ll find my Nintendo 3DS, Tamagotchi, and that sort of thing. Most of the items listed are the items I wish I had more time with, so I assure you they’re still in good shape.

But I think the best thing about this spring cleaning is that 100% of the proceeds will go towards charity for education. 50% of the proceed goes to public donation at YCAB, and the other 50% will be a collaboration with Harvest Goods.

YCAB (Yayasan Cinta Anak Bangsa) is a sustainable social enterprise that has ranked world’s top 50 NGO in 2017. They focus in the area of youth development for health, education, and economic empowerment program. Even though I haven’t had any personal experience with the foundation, I’ve heard so many stories and recommendation about it especially in the area of educating under privileged children. To find out more about them, or if you’d like to donate directly, you can check their website at http://www.ycabfoundation.org/en/

Harvest Goods is a stationary brand specialised in greeting cards. Currently they’re holding a program to give school supplies for 2,500 children across 25 orphanages in Indonesia. For every Rp. 50,000, a single child will receive a complete set of school bag, pencil case, writing utensils, notebooks, and so on! If you’d like to donate directly, you can click on http://harvest-goods.com/2017/12/04/berbagi-dengan-2500-anak/ for more info.

In the next post I will provide you all the transactions report by January 8th, 2017, so you can check where all the fundings went. I haven’t listed all of my stuff so make sure to stay posted! Incase you’re still looking for that Christmas gift, you can always head over to my Carousell and surprise yourself. Oh and btw, every purchase comes with a free gift so make sure you get one <3

Who knew? The joy that was long lost in an item can bring a new kind of happiness for someone else.

Let me know if you want to contact me directly instead of purchasing through Carousell! You can just leave your name, phone number, address to my email at [email protected].

[freedheart]

I Don’t Hate Jakarta’s Traffic

Almost every person I knew that were born in Jakarta, or currently lives in Jakarta, hates its agonizing traffic. In fact, it has become one of many reasons why some of my friends chose to stay overseas after all. I’ve heard complaints where Jakarta’s traffic was so bad that it sucked the life out of them. I’ve never heard of anyone--in my life--thanking for traffic jam in Jakarta at its very worst state. 

But not me. I don’t hate Jakarta’s traffic.

Haha okay no, I don’t LOVE it. I don’t like it either, and it’s definitely not my best case scenario. I dislike commuting in general, unless it’s walking. But I don’t hate this city just because it took a few hours in my week being stuck on the road.

It’s been a year and a half since I got back home after my studies overseas, and though I can definitely notice the difference in time spent commuting, I realise I don’t have the same passionate, hatred towards traffic jam. Probably because I don’t drive, and most of the time I wasn’t alone. But even if I was alone (like, only with the Uber driver and all), I felt like I have an abundant amount of time to think. To just stop the world and think.

Here’s the cliche; we are now living in a fast-paced generation. We’re trained to attain everything in a short time—to microwave our food in minutes, to remember everything in seconds, to build our dreams in a blink. People want to be fast at all times thinking it’ll save time, but really it’s costing the quality of everything they’re doing. People no longer see what makes the process matter and nothing is as important as the destination. All we care is that we get there now. We’re in the generation where we’re expected to get into college when we’re 16, even though we might not have the absolute idea of what we’re going to do. We live in the world where we’re supposed to decide our career life in the most turbulent years of our lives. There’s this chain of expectations in our 20s—have tons of money to buy a house and run a business after we graduate, have a spouse, a baby—all done before the age of 30.

We live in the generation where we’re expected grow up faster than we’re supposed to.

I’ve seen parents asking me, “How did you manage to graduate before 20? I’d like for my daughter to take the same paths like you did. Tell her how to know what major to choose like you did. You must be really proud of yourself.”

But I’m not. 

That’s not the reason why I’m proud to be a graduate. To graduate faster than some people does not make me entirely better in any kind of way. It just means the fast track program works for me. But it doesn’t mean it works for every single child in the world there is (This is almost every parent’s misconception. But more on that later). In a world where everything is sped up, we don’t realise we will quit as fast as we will commit to something.

Sometimes even if we’re not speeding up, we still hate getting stuck. People hate it when they have to hold their pee in the car’s cold air-con while it’s raining outside. We hate it when nothing works at the office, or when a problem is unsolvable and it’s getting nowhere. We have plans; we have to be in a certain place at a certain time. We have promises, we have expectations upon ourselves.

And just like traffic, we move for a few seconds, and then we pause. We move, and then we pause. It’s repetitious, it’s dull. Felt like we’ve been hitting the same wall with our shoulders over and over again, hoping that somehow it will dent.

So when I got stuck in traffic, it reminded me to pause from the world’s rush and start resting. Think, evaluate, refresh, reflect—I realize these things don’t require a certain situational circumstances (in a garden, under the tree, on your bed, etc). The only thing it takes is yourself. The time I’ve spent in the traffic wasn’t wasteful, because I made it worthwhile. No, I don’t scroll my Instagram and Facebook—I actually took the time for myself. The traffic reminded me that maybe, just maybe, all we need is a good rest after all. Time doesn’t wait for anyone, but we can.

Only hate something if we know how to love it. I choose to not begrudge the traffic because it’ll take so much more from the remaining of my drained energy. I can curse so much of this city, its government and its people, but then what will I get? Not even close to satisfaction, because my grudge won’t change this city. Passion will. And the love for the city will.

Again, I don’t necessarily love Jakarta’s traffic. I think Jakarta could’ve improved so much better in it’s infrastructure. But I don’t necessarily hate it, especially if it gets to teach us something after all.

[freedheart]

Life’s Best Outcome

“Diatas langit masih ada langit.” (Beyond the skies lies greater skies.)

- Indonesian Proverb

In any shows or movies we’ve watched, we’ve probably seen a set of expectations played in the character’s mind. Scenes like he could’ve kissed the girl, or she could’ve married him and that would be their hopes. And then right in the second, the character would come back to their current reality and let their wishful thinking flew away.

That’s because it’s so relatable to every human being. It’s unnatural for any of us to be naturally content with our own choices. Somehow, there’s always something better, and on top of better, there’s always all the more splendid choices.

Life could’ve been better if I'm dating, or if I’m thinner, or if I was born as someone else, or somewhere else, like this or like that. Or it all seems too late now because I never took the chance, and the moment had passed. It’s an endless list. Seems like, we don’t get to think “life has been better because of the choice that I’ve already made”, or “life is good because it just is.”

One time, I had a conversation with my dad and he told me, “If only I played guitar as a living since in my 20s, then I know I’d be happy.”

"But, how would you know?”

I think sometimes, we’re living in the illusion of the better outcomes from our expectations. From “life could’ve been better if,”. Truthfully, no one would ever know the outcome from the alternate reality in our imagination. No one could ever know.

Not everything about life (and especially about it’s outcomes) can be totally 100% predicted in calculation or even superstitiously foreseen. We may have an estimate, we may feel something’s about to happen, like how we’d know the rain’s coming when the clouds hoarding the skies. But we can never be exactly 100% sure the rain’s going to fall until it does, even though the dark skies are exactly above our heads.

But today, we have apps on our phones to know today’s weather that can practically predict a 100% chance of rain. But unfortunately, we don’t have weather apps to predict our life’s forecast.

Only God knows every single detail timeline of our lives, even in it’s every unexpected events. So we can be rest assured that our lives are in good and loving hands no matter how horrible it seems through our eyes. After all, what the world considers bad may have only been a small piece of a bigger, greater picture.

We shouldn’t be fooled. We lose our joy when we let our mind float through alternate realities that does not exist. The life you’re living right now already is the best outcome. The only way to go is up. The only way to go is to make it better.

Because when we think the life we’ve lived and the choices we’ve made already are the best outcomes, we have come upon another whole level of gratitude. We will no longer be lost and wander in “everything could’ve been better if”, because we can finally see the good in every situation.

By no means, I’m not discouraging human ambition to strive better outcomes in the future, because we shouldn’t be fearful of change. But I think we shouldn’t pity ourselves for the condition that was already made in the past.

Be content with your situation no matter how horrible it seems. Be happy with your decisions. There’s no better case scenario if we had chosen this choice or that choice. So many things in this life are beyond our control, but we can choose how to respond to our situation. And that’s what makes the difference.

[freedheart]

A New Pair of Perspective

Last year, I went to Japan with my mom and we went to the smaller stores at the street.

At the time I already had my glasses, but we stumbled upon a really nice pair of frames, and it only costs us ¥1,000 (Which converts to approximately Rp. 130,000, or approximately less than $10?)

I don’t think I’m neat when it comes to my stuff. And my friends would know this. I left my wallet in my friend’s bathroom, I left my keys in an Uber. I even lost my passport once. I have a problem in putting attention to my important belongings and how I treat them. Just like my phone, or my purse, I left this pair of glasses …anywhere. I even sit on my glasses without feeling any guilt upon it.

But it’s (almost) decorative. So what? The glasses only cost you less than 10 bucks. And in addition to that, the prescription lenses were FREE (my mom’s friend got it for her). So I thought …”well, the lenses must be not A-grade or anything like that. It’s probably just plastic.”

….or so I thought.

Apparently, because my mom’s friend had been so graciously doing his best to craft this pair, he prescribed the higher quality of lenses. I’m not sure what it’s called, but I know how much it costs. The lenses itself costs Rp. 3,000,000.- (Or approximately ¥25,200, or $230).

Often times I haven’t valued this life or myself right. But I believe getting right with ourselves is more than just to be an emotionally and psychologically healthier being. How we treat ourselves will correspond and reflect towards how we treat others, and that will be my end goal. There are three things I’ve learned from this experience and hopefully it helps you too. :)

1. Lose yourself.

We might not always know how much something is worth until we lose it.

One time I bought an iPad pen (back in 2014), and though I liked to draw, I barely used it. Until I lost the whole pencil case. It was devastating; I loved my stationaries because I handpicked them. But I began to realize how much I really want to draw on my iPad only after I lost it.

I’m not saying you should lose yourself in a way that’s harmful. I’m saying that if you find yourself lost; you’re on the right track.

Losing yourself is the process of rediscovering who you are. It’s a beautiful adventure; it’s like a fresh start—meeting yourself for the first time the second time. When we finally leave our old lives, and discover our new ones, we’d know how precious our life is. Sometimes, we need to be really lost in order to be truly found.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. (Matthew 10:39)

2. Be grateful.

We need to spend our time and observe in order to know the worth of something. Sometimes we’ll need to research, look the price in the market, or sometimes we just know. We want to buy a phone; we’d find out the specs, we’d reflect whether it’s useful for our daily basis—and essentially, whether it’s worth it. For some people, it might be worth it, for others it might not.

Gratitude works the same way. $230 might meant nothing to some people. Right now, a glass of water might meant nothing to some people. But right now, a glass of water could meant everything to the thirsty.

Gratefulness can be an eye-opening key of knowing a true value towards anything; whether that’s towards our career, our friends, and ourselves. Time is your currency. How much time do you want to spend in order to know the true worth of your family? How much time do you want to spend with yourself, in order to know the worth of your own self?

Being grateful is often underestimated, but it’s an essential tool to know not only the worth of our own but also the worth of everything else. Being grateful takes time, takes process, takes heart and thoughtfulness. We might undervalue whatever and whoever we have in life, because we missed to be grateful.

Simply, being grateful keeps you away from being regretful.

3. Know your worth.

To know your worth is to treat ourselves just right—not too much, and not too less. It is to not fall in the comparison trap; because when you know your own worth, there’s no room to feel insecure anymore.

Sometimes we let the world define us who we are, and often times it’s in a form of number. We let the world define us through the numbers in our bank accounts, the numbers of followers on our Instagram, or the number of our size. These numbers, often, blinded us from understanding our true worth. Yes we are a person of quantity; we have certain amount of money, we have a certain number of GPA—but never forget that we are also a person of quality.

In a world full of measurements in numbers, we are also a being of heart. Our thoughtfulness, our inner-most intentions, the things we do when no one’s watching; that’s who we truly are. That’s what we’re valued for.

For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18)

To know your worth is to see where you are positioned in this life and what you can finally contribute to the world. How you can leave a mark to your family, to your community, or to strangers that crossed path in your life?

To know your worth is to finally see yourselves the way God sees you, it is to only letting Him telling you who you are in this world. To know our worth, is to understand the greater calling we have in this life, under the humility and guidance of our Father. It is to see that we’re no longer the person in our old life, and to see we’re never greater than our Creator. It’s to see that we experience a constant metamorphic value, as we were once a slave, a cheater, a sinner—but He had set us free and called us His sons and daughters. For I was blind but now I see. (John 9:25)

[freedheart]

Will I Make It There

Earlier this year, I was struggling to decide whether I should take my masters degree in a subject that I possibly like. I’ve always taken interest in Design since I was in high school, but when my parents or my boyfriend asked why? I’d simply say, “well, I’ve always liked it.”

But all the response I get was, “well, that’s not a good enough reason.”

Until a friend of mine asked me a single question that broke the seed planted in my mind.

“What do you care about, Dre?”

And the single most thing popped into my mind like it has always been there. I know what I want to do when I grow up. I know it sounds silly. I’m 21, I already “grew up”. But I’m grateful that I get to find out what I’m called for, no matter how late it is.

So one day, I want to see children of this nation to excel in a proper education—wherever they are. In the rural area, or even in the cities, and they should all have equal opportunity for earning the knowledge. I want to see children grow not only of what they know but also how to use their intelligence, and develop their character. I want to see insecure teenagers break out from their comfort zones and finally be the person they’ve always wanted to be despite of the boundaries of the world. I want young adults who felt lost finally understand their sense of worth, so they know their calling to make extraordinary changes to the world.

I want to see teachers to be appreciated more than it is today. I want people to understand that education is more than just a career track to the future, but also the mentality of open-mindedness. It’s more than just a degree, it’s more than just a status. Education is about learning how to learn, how to stay curious, and to be rooted in character. Essentially, I want education to be understood well.

And I think it’s depicted beautifully in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). I believe all of us are called to be fruitful in what we do, beyond what we’ve learned and what we’re capable of. That’s what education is; it shouldn’t stop in a degree. It’s about exploring what has been undiscovered, and see how it can be a blessing not only to everyone else, but also to ourselves. At the end of education, there is character.

I understand I’m still far away to go. I know it’s such an ambitious dream. I still have so many things to work on, so many things to learn, and so much more wisdom to cherish. But I can’t wait till the day comes.

And I know people grow bitter as everyday goes. I’ve met with people who have felt hopeless because of the color of my skin. They’d say I’ll never make it into anywhere near the government, I’ll never make a dent, I’ll never make a change in my own home country. Despite the thoughts, I know I won’t make it if I grow bitter. So if I stop fighting for this, then who will?

God called us to be the salts of the earth, the light of the world (Matthew 5:13-16). I believe God planted this dream so that somehow, we can make it happen. I’m beyond blessed to have felt nothing less than sweet, nothing less than inspired, so that I can carry on in the hopes that everyone can taste His love as much as I do. I know that along the way, God will provide me the Joy that I need as the strength to my days.

And I know, I can’t expect to find the fruit the next day after I plant the seeds. It might take generations to witness breakthroughs for education. But I think I’ll rest well with knowing that I’ve left something for the future generation to learn, and to live the life I was called for.

[freedheart]

To My Insecurities,

It’s 23:48, the first day of the fifth month and yet, I’m still far away from what I’ve expected the year to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been indeed blessed this year. Everyday I feel I’m nurtured to be the better version of who I am, and there’s growth that excites me for what’s ahead.

It’s just, right now, just now, I realised that I’ve never been far from my insecurities. Most of my posts talks about how anxious I was about what society thinks, or how I’m somewhat not good enough. How does one truly accept him or herself just the way they are, without falling into the comparison trap of how great everyone else is?

These past few days, I’ve been obsessed with Instagram. My obsession might be a bit too late compared to my fellow millennials, but seeing how great everyone’s lives right now feels like my life sucked. This includes body image, clothing, the type of camera used, what kind of photography produced, what sorts of products laid on my screens. I questioned myself whether I’m actually jealous of that life, whether I need to go on a diet, or whether I need to buy myself a new camera or even new clothes. But then, I also realised I don’t really need these things, I just simply want them.

I’m not sorry for saying this; I simply realise the social media is the where everyone showcased their insecurities indirectly. I’ve realised that we’re living in the time where everyone cultivates their low self esteem by presenting to the world who they want to be seen rather who they really are. 

We actually, will never know whether someone’s actually insecure or not. Anyone can wear anything they want, stage anything they’d like, but the social media has the failure of delivering authentic emotions. At least, to a certain extent. It’s the perfect cover up. Nobody has to know our agony, as long as we look happy.

AND that’s not always the case. I don’t despise staged photography, or fashionable clothes or gorgeous filters. It’s just, I fancy raw, humane feelings. Unfortunately, it has been lacking since the era of cyber world embodiment (or, how we image ourselves on the internet).

So in that case, everyone has the possibility of being insecure. And somehow, that makes me feel less lonely.

To you all out there who experienced this. It’s normal. The truth is, everyone, no matter who they are, might have gone through the same feelings as we do. I’m still so far from being confident, but I know this realisation is one step of the process. My next step is to not let what I see on my screens eat who I am. Let’s not compare ourselves to whoever we see on our screens, or even judge them because who knows what they’re really going through? They might be covering their feelings as much as we do.

And I’m not gonna say no-matter-who-you-are-you’re-beautiful that kind of crap. Because there won’t be enough words to convince the wonderful person you truly are without you realising it yourself.

And to all beautiful girls out there, I’m thankful as you have now taught me the lesson of self acceptance. Yes, you’re beautiful, and so am I. I’ve always thought I’m incredibly weird, and being weird should just be shunned, but I am all the more grateful for the loving people embracing me FOR my weirdness (that’s right, like when I randomly meow-ed outta nowhere). I hated the beauty marks on my face, but now I’d let you draw a constellation with a marker if you like. I used to hate the size of my legs, but what would I do without them? There’s an unexplainable happiness in walking and running, and there should be no reason to hate any part of my body at all, as should you. You are so much more than your insecurities. Aren’t we all more than our physical bodies?

The true beauty, indeed, is not only about accepting who we are as our own. It’s about admitting the beauty of others without losing sense of yours. That my friend, is what I call self acceptance. Our looks will corrode with time, as everything else will too, but nothing will take away the joy of loving who we truly are. 

To you all out there who bottled up your feelings, your worry and anxiety of what the society thinks of you. It’s okay, I know what you’re going through. Whether my family or my loved ones want to know what I really think, it takes me an awful time to arrange my thoughts because I’ve been too comfortable keeping it on my own. But rest assured, your family, your friends, they truly care about you and they love you. I’ve always thought that I’d rather not share my storming emotions, but God knows we’re created not to be alone. They’re there for you so that you don’t have to carry all of your thoughts by yourself. But please, take your time. It takes time for me to open up, and it’s okay. Because when I did, I realise how opening up my vulnerability was worth every risk.

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT)

Oh, and here’s me and my shy-shy face from March 2016 at my gorgeous Uni. Lel. Welcome to my weirdness. <3

[freedheart]

This could be our revolution: to love what is plentiful as much as what's scarce.

--Alice Walker

[freedheart]

Dear twenty-seventeen,

New year new me? Not necessarily.

I’ve always had certain intolerance for changes. I like the way things are as I adapt to it because drastic changes are just nightmare for me.

And I feel like there’s no need to make a lot differences, just a few meaningful ones.

In many of my previous posts, I would always say how I’m constantly grateful for God and all of His never-ending blessings in my life. Now I’m not so sure that I completely understood and meant what I said. I’ve said it so many times that it just became words I blurted out out of my lips. Like how apologizing is just to make someone feel better, but that person might not felt any sincere apology about it.

But why? I’ve been really happy for all the circumstances that had happened to me. I graduated this last year, I have the job anyone would ask for, and everything is well. When I reflect before I go to bed, I always say things like “I’m grateful for today God, and I’m grateful for this and that.. and also this, and also that,” and suddenly word “grateful” lost its meaning. I followed this list with “I have to be prettier” and “I wish I’m skinnier so I can be confident” or something similar, and then the previous gratitude would just puff out in the air. If I said I’m really grateful for this life, then why am I still …ungrateful for other things? Why am I still searching for the greener side when my lawn is already green?

It’s not easy for me to be content for who I am. Somehow the fear of never going to be enough for the society had immersed in my mind. I keep on thinking that one day I’m just going to disappear in a blink of the universe making zero changes to the world. And every failure I’ve faced and every disappointments I’ve made only led me to deeper insecurities, and I start seeking more approval of others to make myself feel better. When I don’t have anyone, then I’ve become hateful of my identity, where I came from, and who I am.

This is like a loop that I’ve constantly encounter over and over again. I’ve tried traveling away from my problems, eat up all my feelings, buying all the things I don’t need—thinking this will keep me sane and happy. But still in reverse I found myself empty. I have everything under my reach—roof over my head and shoes for my feet—yet still I find myself in tears for another meaningless day passed by.

All I did was searching, when I forgot that the search was over when He had found me.

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. 

Matthew 11:28-30

So, dear future Andrea,

I know you’ve been skeptical for new years resolutions because most of the time they’re just fooling themselves. But people needed the new years, they needed the reason for the fresh start. As much you hated it, you need it too.  

Leave all that insecurities along with 2016. You’ve had enough hating yourself, and hating others for it too. Don’t carry the burdens that aren’t yours anymore. It’s not an easy process, but there’s no way to love anyone completely without knowing how to truly accept yourself. It’s more than just dumping these ugly feelings in the river, but now you have hope. Don’t lose it. The world may give you all the reasons to hate who you are, but God gave you all the reasons not to.

Don’t let the bitterness of the world change you because you have joy. The world can hate the sun, but it doesn’t stop the sun from shining.

And be grateful. You have everything you need in Him. Gratitude doesn’t rely on circumstances. Gratitude is a choice.

Seek His heart, and seek His heart still :)

[freedheart]

Most Treasured Possession

I caught myself lost in the past today. I always do the “what if” scenarios, but this time it went back to when I was in the fourth grade. It was because I was playing around with the whiteboard marker when I was in the meeting today (oops). I remembered when I was in the fourth grade, me and my friends had turns to “clean up the class” after school once every month, and one of the tasks we had to do was to fill in the ink for those markers. I don’t know why, but back then, filling the ink was the coolest job anyone could get while preparing the class for the next day. And then I started to recall how fourth grade was fun, then I imagined if I turned back time to then, I’d be a heck of a genius. Dang, I’d have straight A’s and probably a scholarship, and I’d win the spelling bee contest in the fifth grade.

As I daydream all that nostalgic memories and trying to imagine all the what-ifs, I came across to one of my friends in the memory. Let’s call her Angela. She’s smiling most of the time, not because she’s crazy, but because she’s cheerful and kind. No one on earth would think she did anything close to the slightest evil. I’d say she’s “the kindest of them all” type. We were good friends, even though we’re not really in the same clique. We’re in the same class and also we’re in the same choir club. So I suppose we shared quite a lot of time together. But I don’t have any memories that she’s one of the closest friends that I’ve had back then.

Why does this matter? Because one day, she came up to me and brought me a stack of colored-magazine type paper, with her drawings and sketches.

She told me that it’s her most precious possession, and nothing is more important for her than those papers. She gave it to me, and trusted me with it with no reasons at all (or, any reasons that I could remember). I suppose it’s because she considered me as one of her best friends.

At that time, I didn’t feel the same way of seeing her as my best friend, and I don’t think she knew. I didn’t burn or throw away her papers ok, I actually kept it somewhere. But that’s the thing, it’s somewhere. I have no idea where it is now, and my house has been reconstructed for so many times since. The chances are, it’s gone. I never looked for it, and she never asked for it back, and we have been lost in contact for six years now.

Ok, this might be unimportant to anyone right now, but dang I feel like I’m such a jerk.

She trusted me with her most precious possession. It’s not silver, it’s not gold, but it’s her symbol of trust and friendship. And for a ten year old, technically that’s everything. If I would have received that today, I’d definitely treasure it as much as she does. I would have understood how those papers meant more than just her drawings. Today, those types of friendships aren’t easy to find, and I feel like …a jerk.

I know, I was in the fourth grade. Big deal, fourth graders are still too young to understand any sentimental values in friendships.

But that’s the thing, it got me thinking …why am I naturally unkind? Like she was kind, you know? She’s absolutely warmhearted in nature. And the worst part is I didn’t value her friendship. I was so frustrated that I reached the point to keep on asking myself, why did I ever ditch an honest friendship so easily? Why didn’t I choose to do better?

I remembered watching Lilo and Stitch 2 one day, and feeling so emphatic with Stitch. He was struggling to be kind, to do good as Lilo taught him, but he had a glitch which means he couldn’t control himself. He’s naturally evil,so whenever he had a glitch, he lost control and ruined all the good things he tried to do.

I’ve been recalling to that feeling. It feels like I’m struggling with my “evil” self, and I’ve been questioning about it a lot. God tells me that I’m created just like Him, I’m born to be loving and caring, but why do I keep on hurting people unconsciously? Why do I have to make an effort to be kind? Was I born pure, or does evil run in my blood? Over the years, I strive to resist all grudges, hold myself from anger, or gossiping out of hatred. The problem is I kept on resisting. Why do I have to fight myself so hard to be effortlessly kind?

I realized that if I am ever capable to do anything good, it is because He is in me, and He is good.

If there’s any ability at all for me to do something worthy, it is all because He makes me able. If I am ever able to be kind, it is because there is a cost to do it and He had paid it all. And I know I was born with sin, and it seems inescapable but He makes all things possible. So if I ever love or care for anyone, it’s because He let me be a part of Himself, for He is love. He blesses me with His joy and peace, He fills my contentment through the people that He had me accompanied with—and I have witnessed that His love is everywhere. But in all of His goodness, He gave us His most treasured possession, so that we’re able to love and be loved. And that ability itself is the immeasurable love that He gives to humanity.

And now, for sure, I don’t want to take this Love for granted.

“Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.” James 1:17 NLT

And on an unrelated note, this photo is an unknown fruit from Shirakawago, Japan -- World’s Heritage Village! 'Cause you know, sometimes you find treasures in the smallest things :)

Much love,

Andrea

[freedheart]

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,    nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him“

Just when I thought I went the wrong way, and when my path seemed to be doubtful and just when my sight was hazy, and I’ve began to think that hope is lost, or when I look back, and I thought I’ve let go what I thought was best, and right before regret creeps in, and took away my joy, and right when I thought God looked away,

He is there. Standing infront of me, smiling, because He had something He had prepared, because He’s always been there. Always.

And when the wind took me far, I fell to His rhythm of grace. And I can see Him continuously pouring His favor and such delight over me. Not because of what I’ve done, nor was it because of who I am, but because of who He is.

And after such a long winter, I can finally say--my season has changed.

[freedheart]

Beautiful in it’s Time

So let go, my soul, and trust in Him The waves and wind still know His name...

For so many times, David ask us to wait for the Lord in his Book of Psalms. I think that’s one of the things he said repetitively in this book, and often I wondered why ...until I’m actually in the waiting season.

Going back home after college calls for job hunting, and while honestly I haven’t been really ...”hunting”, I did have some promising interviews with “not so promising” answers. Like right now, I’m literally just waiting on replies from the resumes I’ve sent, and I’m also waiting on a call from a company that might give me THE third interview (yes, the, because it means I’m sealing the deal <3).

And truthfully, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that at least one of these companies would accept me, and I know surely whichever company calls me first will be a suitable one for me bcs God knows me more than I do. And I could be nothing more than excited. First day of work, have something daily to do, and new people to meet--all that!

It’s just right now, I’m only waiting. Anxiously.

The thing is, the answer from these companies aren’t the only things I’ve been waiting for. I’m also waiting for new things to start in my life--living as a graduate, as an adult that can take care of things by herself. But it feels like ...my car’s broken down, and I’m just waiting for the towing truck to move my car even though I’m still rough at driving. That’s probably true bcs I haven’t got my driver’s license yet lol (I’m getting one though!)

And you know? It’s not easy to trust Someone we can’t see. We can’t see the process, and yet the only thing we were asked to do is to trust Him. To me, who probably have some trust issues on relying to people to work on a project together, this is probably one of the hardest tests I have to go through.

And when hope is new... and refreshed, it’s so easy to believe in the things we hope for. But what happens when weeks go by, and the things you thought you’d have by now seemed to drift further away? What happens when you see yourself going nowhere?

And for once I thought, this would be the perfect time to focus on God, where I can meditate long enough and spend time with Him all the time--but it’s not that. I know God didn’t create me to idly “spend time” with Him without a purpose. Because the truth is, whatever we do, whether we have a job or not, and whether the day is full or relaxing, we are spending time with God if we want to. He is with us at all times anyways, right?

And that’s when He reminded me,

"Everything is beautiful in it’s time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

I actually thought this verse was trying to explain how beauty does not only lie in joy, but also in mourning. But God said that everything is beautiful, and that includes the season of waiting. And I find this hard to believe, or hard to do, because often times I have the urge of doing something to make something happen.

But God showed me that every season is beautiful, because He’s with me in every season.

And even though most of the time I was half-heartedly seeking Him, He relentlessly gave me a new hope everyday. And even though often times I forget how much He cares, He still believes in me. I have been lacking in motivation to read the Bible, and even though I still try to make a routine out of it, it’s hardly something I want to do. And out of my dead desire to seek Him, His words are alive.

The truth is, it’s not hard to trust the One who’s unseen. We might not be able to see the process, or even see Him tangibly. But as long as we’re breathing, we can see all the works and all the goodness that He has done for us.

Much love,

Andrea

[freedheart]

Mountain Conquered

I just came back from my trip to Bali a few days ago and I feel so refreshed despite the cold I caught after. I had a ton of fun--from one warung (Indonesian food stall) to the other, to beaches and my first time experience snorkeling! From all the things I did there, there was one experience that clearly inspired me. I had one of the best hiking adventure when me and my high school friends hiked Mount Batur. We managed to hike 1,700m above sea level (that’s something right?), starting at 4 am at the bottom of the mountain so that we could chase the sunrise at 6. Unfortunately when we were at the top, our beautiful sunset was hidden behind the clouds :( but still, I actually realized two (very simple) things while I was hiking, it was one of the must-visit, must-do experience in Bali!

And here’s why.

1. Shine!

We were picked up at our hotel at 2 am, and then we head on to the starting line of the hiking trail at 4 am. Before we start, the tour guide gave us each our own flashlight. Since we’re catching up sunrise, we were basically walking in the dark. There weren’t any lamp post or sort, so our eyesight depended on the flashlights we had.

So we had a few beams seen from afar or close by, but there were always movements of light and we can see where we’re heading. It was tiny little lights far away but, we still know the direction we’re going.

I’ve come to realize what Psalms 119:105 means. When we were children we often times sing about this verse without really understanding and applying it in our real life. Without His light, we’re basically walking in the dark and directionless.

It was really helpful to have my own flashlight. But most importantly, it was all the more beneficial when everyone brought their own flashlight.

I had a friend who walked behind me and he didn’t turned on his flashlight at all. I actually wondered whether he could see, but he told me that it was enough with my flashlight and the one from the person that was walking behind him. I remember clearly the path was rocky when I was hiking, and believe me I don’t think it was hike-able with little or no light! But he managed to hike to the top with the light from others.

God called us to be the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden (Matthew 5:14). In most cases, it means that we have to set an example for others. That’s not wrong at all, but in this situation I see the light as help for those around us. To shine is to be seen, and yes we’re seen by those around us--and believe me sometimes that helps a lot to them. We can be inspired by what we see, and we can have a sense of direction when we seemed lost. We can reflect His light that was shone upon us, and through that we can (so very) efficiently help those around us.

2. Helping Hand

There’s no way I would survive that hike without the help of my friends. One of them actually ended up carrying my backpack for the rest of the trip to the top (thank you! haha).

From this hike, I was really inspired to how God created us to work together in unity. Just like the journey of this life, the trip up there was really steep and unfortunately very rocky. There were a few times I had to rely on the hands of our trekking guide, and his hands would be ready to help me hike to the top. Of course, he can just leave me to hike on my own, but he actually knew that it would be heavy for me to do it myself. As a trekking guide, he knows that we don’t really hike often and we need assistance on tackling some high rocks to have something steady to step on.

Two weeks ago I listened to a sermon about what it means to be successful. He mentioned about how the world says that successful means everyone stays at the bottom and we’re at the top, but truthfully success is when we lift people up above us. It takes humility to sincerely help those around us, and sometimes people need more help than they realize. The preacher asked us, when was the last time we ask, “can I pray for you?” It really opened my mind, that I used to think this life used to be about me and how I finish the race, while in fact it’s about how we can finish the race together.

And oh! Here’s a glimpse of what we came for <3

Much love,

Andrea

[freedheart]

After spending (roughly) three years and four months on education in United States, I have finally decided to come back home to my home country. I left my second home in Seattle, and truthfully it has left me a void in my heart too.

So, what does it really mean to be back?

It feels like I’m ...bounded. Honestly I’m still deeply sad of the changes I have to face. My life has become utterly dull and empty. I came back “home” with a bachelor’s degree and zero sense of self. The only things I do is let the day go by with Netflix, or sometimes fill it in with more movies on TV. I no longer know who I am, what am I supposed to do, and I’ve lost my sense of direction.

With that lacking sense of identity, I brought myself to a list I want to do while I’m here. Many of those goals include to lose all the weight I’ve gained several pounds ago, to change my hair color, to start my channel on YouTube again, or even to learn new languages and of course--to get a job. I was trying to do this all at once--eat healthy, hit the gym, apply for jobs, to be pretty, to be skinny, to built my core existence here in this place when I completely forgot to Whom my existence matters most.

Little did I realize, I was bounded by these expectations of my own. I was bounded of what I want people to see, I was bounded by the envy I got through my Instagram feed and how I compare myself to where the grass is greener. Soon before long I was trapped in my own worry, and I was overwhelmed of my own list. I got disappointed to how my hair turned out after I got out of the hairdresser, and I was haunted by the digits shown on my scales. I have pursued this life, and I have somewhat lost it again.

Until He came, and reminded me of who I am.

He whispered to me, “you tried to be everything, but all I want is your heart.”

I have forgotten that all the earthly things barely matter. Our matter is to finish His mission for us on earth, and He shall take care of the things for us to do His will. I was bounded by my own cares and worries of this world, that I had forgotten His love that had changed my life. I had forgotten that I will never be the same again.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with planning, or having goals for the future--but I was reminded clearly to Whom it is for. I forgot that whatever I do, I shall do it for the glory of God. He says I’m free, so I’m freed.

I remember when my high school friend, Rachel, described me one of her favorite romantic movies. It was called “One Day”, and Rachel told me, “the movie really starts when you stop expecting something to happen.”

The truth is, life really starts when we stop expecting something to happen.

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Much love,

Andrea